How long is too long for in-laws to stay?

[Anonymous]

In my marriage, my mom and my husbands parents can visit whenever and for as long as they want. My dad, on the other hand, can stay 2 nights. It is what it is. Some people are easier guests than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

To be clear, I would actually be ok with her parents staying for 10-12 days so long as we could avoid the fights. What I was trying to suggest was that there needs to be some extra grace during those periods instead of getting agitated. I also think that there need to be some times where it's ok for me to do things on my own with our kid, since I think it's important for my relationship with our child to continue as normal during long stays as well, rather than having everything turn into a group activity. I haven't really been able to have that discussion because it just turns into me being told that I don't like my DW's parents or her friends or whoever, and that I'm therefore the problem.

Yes, everyone needs extra grace during family houseguest time. You do, she does, they do. Compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I’d prefer if they never came, but that’s unreasonable on my part. I drew a line after they came and stayed to 16 nights. We were fighting constantly as we don’t actually have a guest room so they stay in our finished but not closed off to the rest of the house basement which at least has a full bath. So now my max is 7 days, applies to any and all guests so there is no favoritism. And when it is ILs I conveniently always have at least a few nights of work travel in the middle since 3 days seems to be the max before my spouse grows irritated at the reversion to childhood roles and starts taking it out on me.

What does this mean? There are stairs that lead to the basement without a door?

Yes, big open stairs from our family room to the basement. It’s a walk out basement. So once I’m up getting the kids ready for school (they never come when the kids are available) they are up too since the noise goes right down the stairs and in my tiny kitchen demanding coffee, breakfast, etc. while all I’m trying to do is get the kids out the door so I can go to work. 10+ school days of that and my nerves are shot!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I’d prefer if they never came, but that’s unreasonable on my part. I drew a line after they came and stayed to 16 nights. We were fighting constantly as we don’t actually have a guest room so they stay in our finished but not closed off to the rest of the house basement which at least has a full bath. So now my max is 7 days, applies to any and all guests so there is no favoritism. And when it is ILs I conveniently always have at least a few nights of work travel in the middle since 3 days seems to be the max before my spouse grows irritated at the reversion to childhood roles and starts taking it out on me.

What does this mean? There are stairs that lead to the basement without a door?

Yes, big open stairs from our family room to the basement. It’s a walk out basement. So once I’m up getting the kids ready for school (they never come when the kids are available) they are up too since the noise goes right down the stairs and in my tiny kitchen demanding coffee, breakfast, etc. while all I’m trying to do is get the kids out the door so I can go to work. 10+ school days of that and my nerves are shot!

Unless the grandparent or houseguest is disabled, they shouldn’t be demanding meals, food, activities, money or anything from the working parents trying to get the kids to school in time and themselves to work on time.

Times have changed. And no, many families in America did not grow up houseguesting others nor themselves. Take a real vacation, together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know…but 10-14 days would be my ANNUAL limit for in-laws staying, however that may be distributed. If it is one long visit a year- fine- at least I know I don’t have to do it again for a year. I like my ILs just fine but find houseguests stressful in general.

All of this.
Also you guys need counseling to learn how to disagree better.

Agree, this is simple. You both need to learn how to discuss concerns early on and problem solve them together as a team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

To be clear, I would actually be ok with her parents staying for 10-12 days so long as we could avoid the fights. What I was trying to suggest was that there needs to be some extra grace during those periods instead of getting agitated. I also think that there need to be some times where it's ok for me to do things on my own with our kid, since I think it's important for my relationship with our child to continue as normal during long stays as well, rather than having everything turn into a group activity. I haven't really been able to have that discussion because it just turns into me being told that I don't like my DW's parents or her friends or whoever, and that I'm therefore the problem.

This is what I was going to ask — what are you actually fighting about? Focus on that since your ILS staying doesn’t seem to be the actual problem.

Dunno.

What IS the fight about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I’d prefer if they never came, but that’s unreasonable on my part. I drew a line after they came and stayed to 16 nights. We were fighting constantly as we don’t actually have a guest room so they stay in our finished but not closed off to the rest of the house basement which at least has a full bath. So now my max is 7 days, applies to any and all guests so there is no favoritism. And when it is ILs I conveniently always have at least a few nights of work travel in the middle since 3 days seems to be the max before my spouse grows irritated at the reversion to childhood roles and starts taking it out on me.

What does this mean? There are stairs that lead to the basement without a door?

Yes, big open stairs from our family room to the basement. It’s a walk out basement. So once I’m up getting the kids ready for school (they never come when the kids are available) they are up too since the noise goes right down the stairs and in my tiny kitchen demanding coffee, breakfast, etc. while all I’m trying to do is get the kids out the door so I can go to work. 10+ school days of that and my nerves are shot!

Your communication style is very confusing.

You keep oscillating between you not really bothered with them staying over for that long to you not really wanting them there to you going crazy about them being there.

You need to be clear to your wife about what the problem is.

And your issues with breakfast are a quick fix. When they ask for breakfast, you can tell your in laws: Breakfast stuff is on the table. Help your self, make some. I am getting kids ready for school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me this very much depends on the guest. Guests who feed themselves, entertain themselves, and clean up after themselves can stay as long as they like. Guests who expect to be waited on can stay 3 nights max.

+1 I hate feeding people! Any guest at my home has to cook for themselves and clean up afterwards. I don’t care who it is, but I’m not doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I’d prefer if they never came, but that’s unreasonable on my part. I drew a line after they came and stayed to 16 nights. We were fighting constantly as we don’t actually have a guest room so they stay in our finished but not closed off to the rest of the house basement which at least has a full bath. So now my max is 7 days, applies to any and all guests so there is no favoritism. And when it is ILs I conveniently always have at least a few nights of work travel in the middle since 3 days seems to be the max before my spouse grows irritated at the reversion to childhood roles and starts taking it out on me.

What does this mean? There are stairs that lead to the basement without a door?

Yes, big open stairs from our family room to the basement. It’s a walk out basement. So once I’m up getting the kids ready for school (they never come when the kids are available) they are up too since the noise goes right down the stairs and in my tiny kitchen demanding coffee, breakfast, etc. while all I’m trying to do is get the kids out the door so I can go to work. 10+ school days of that and my nerves are shot!

Your communication style is very confusing.

You keep oscillating between you not really bothered with them staying over for that long to you not really wanting them there to you going crazy about them being there.

You need to be clear to your wife about what the problem is.

And your issues with breakfast are a quick fix. When they ask for breakfast, you can tell your in laws: Breakfast stuff is on the table. Help your self, make some. I am getting kids ready for school.

NP but I don’t think the person posting about having the walk out basement and the in laws asking for breakfast while getting kids ready for school is the OP of this thread.

[Anonymous]

Both sets of parents live abroad. They visit for 3 months at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW’s parents like to come visit, which is great. However, when they do, they will stay at our house for 10-12 days. This isn’t a problem per se. I like them well enough, but the issue is that when they stay for so long, there is invariably some point where DW and I end up in a significant fight. I have expressed to her that, while I like her parents, having guests for such a long period disrupts the normal functioning of our house and results in strife. She now claims that I don’t like her family, and that I am trying to keep them away. Is it really unreasonable to think that having guests for 10-12 days at a time can create issues?

Separately, she’s constantly trying to invite her friends to stay at our home when they come to town. I don’t necessarily have an issue, but I also don’t like that so much. We are mid-40s with a kid. I am sort of over the idea of having friends stay at our house when they come to town. Feels like the sort of thing you do in your 20s. She also thinks that I hate her friends because of that. Am I being unreasonable?

As an introvert, I don't like to visit or be visited by family for more than a couple of days but in case of parents visiting from another country or state, 10-15 days make sense. As far as friends go, they should stay in hotels.

[Anonymous]

My MIL comes for 10 days at a time, 4 times a year plus one or two weekends. She is from
Norfolk. She’s great but it is A LOT.

[Anonymous]

Our hosting preferences are rooted in our upbringings. Someone who lived in joint extended family or often had relatives stay with them, sees extended hosting as a norm and is usually casual about it. Someone who grew up in a nuclear family and isn't used to guest staying with them for extended periods, would find it stressful and intrusive.

Neither type is good or bad, just have different comfort zones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL comes for 10 days at a time, 4 times a year plus one or two weekends. She is from
Norfolk. She’s great but it is A LOT.

That's nothing, mine visited for 4+ months and wanted to move in permanently. I would've enjoyed 10-12 day visit.

[Anonymous]

It all depends on far the inlaws / friends are traveling and how much money they have.