How long is too long for in-laws to stay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both sets of parents live abroad. They visit for 3 months at a time.

Is this OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both sets of parents live abroad. They visit for 3 months at a time.

Ridiculous. Two weeks is more than enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both sets of parents live abroad. They visit for 3 months at a time.

Is this OP?

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both sets of parents live abroad. They visit for 3 months at a time.

Ridiculous. Two weeks is more than enough.

Sorry you don’t like your parents.

[Anonymous]

At all. At all is too long. Ymmv

[Anonymous]

My parents had a rule: No one overnights for more than 3 nights. They said guests and fish start to stink after 3 nights.

Now that I'm older, I kind of agree with this. There has to be REAL important, almost emergency reason for someone to be a guest for more than 3 days. Great if they're in town for longer than that. Great to see them for evenings or part of the day ... but overnighting for many, many days, no.

I have made some visits where I was staying in a far away city. The hosts really wanted me to stay with them (like insulted if I didn't) Even then, I broke-up the trip. Stayed with them a couple days but mostly in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Any guests, btw, no matter how much you love them --- 3 nights. Aim for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know…but 10-14 days would be my ANNUAL limit for in-laws staying, however that may be distributed. If it is one long visit a year- fine- at least I know I don’t have to do it again for a year. I like my ILs just fine but find houseguests stressful in general.

All of this.
Also you guys need counseling to learn how to disagree better.

Agree, this is simple. You both need to learn how to discuss concerns early on and problem solve them together as a team.

OP here. I have been trying to have a conversation so we can handle it better. I get met with allegations that I dislike DW's family (which isn't true), and the conversation never really progresses from there. I would agree that we need better communication. This is something I have raised with DW many times, also to little avail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I’d prefer if they never came, but that’s unreasonable on my part. I drew a line after they came and stayed to 16 nights. We were fighting constantly as we don’t actually have a guest room so they stay in our finished but not closed off to the rest of the house basement which at least has a full bath. So now my max is 7 days, applies to any and all guests so there is no favoritism. And when it is ILs I conveniently always have at least a few nights of work travel in the middle since 3 days seems to be the max before my spouse grows irritated at the reversion to childhood roles and starts taking it out on me.

What does this mean? There are stairs that lead to the basement without a door?

Yes, big open stairs from our family room to the basement. It’s a walk out basement. So once I’m up getting the kids ready for school (they never come when the kids are available) they are up too since the noise goes right down the stairs and in my tiny kitchen demanding coffee, breakfast, etc. while all I’m trying to do is get the kids out the door so I can go to work. 10+ school days of that and my nerves are shot!

Your communication style is very confusing.

You keep oscillating between you not really bothered with them staying over for that long to you not really wanting them there to you going crazy about them being there.

You need to be clear to your wife about what the problem is.

And your issues with breakfast are a quick fix. When they ask for breakfast, you can tell your in laws: Breakfast stuff is on the table. Help your self, make some. I am getting kids ready for school.

Who cares
That’s not Op, that’s someone talking about their 16 day a pop visitors

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL comes for 10 days at a time, 4 times a year plus one or two weekends. She is from
Norfolk. She’s great but it is A LOT.

That’s bizarre. Does she come to help when one of you has heavy travel or lots of kid stuff to manage?

Your children must be small because once 10 and up they have their own schedules and lives. So houseguests need their own activities and things to do. No one is sitting around playing with a baby or toddler

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both sets of parents live abroad. They visit for 3 months at a time.

Is this OP?

No that’s some dual SE Asian Indian family living in a big terraza house in Potomac.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know…but 10-14 days would be my ANNUAL limit for in-laws staying, however that may be distributed. If it is one long visit a year- fine- at least I know I don’t have to do it again for a year. I like my ILs just fine but find houseguests stressful in general.

All of this.
Also you guys need counseling to learn how to disagree better.

Agree, this is simple. You both need to learn how to discuss concerns early on and problem solve them together as a team.

OP here. I have been trying to have a conversation so we can handle it better. I get met with allegations that I dislike DW's family (which isn't true), and the conversation never really progresses from there. I would agree that we need better communication. This is something I have raised with DW many times, also to little avail.

Answer the other questions posted here OP.

Not a good look when you ignore some and not others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the ILs afford a hotel? Can you pay for a hotel for them? Even if someone can afford it will they be massively offended if you suggest it?

I think 10 days is fine if they come once a year or less. If more often no way. I loved having my ILs (RIP) for 3 week visits but they only came once every few years and were great guests. BILs family, the wife treats us like maids so we have a 4 day limit for them.

So you actually do like them, you just have a hard time with the long disruption to your routine which causes you stress and you blame that for fighting with your wife. Do l have that right? Is there something specific that triggers the fights that can be mitigated, besides shorter visits? Maybe you and wife can solve this together, like you going to work in a library for some days (if you WFH) - just an example.

You are correct. I like them. They are fine as guests. It’s just that it always results in some big fight between DW and me. I tried to talk to DW about that, and suggested that, from my perspective, having our usual routine disrupted for so long creates stress that builds up to a fight. She then got upset at me and accused me of not liking her parents. It would be great to work out a solution. However, she seems stuck on saying I don’t like her family. We have been stuck there since September.

We are now supposed to go visit some of her relatives for Thanksgiving. They don’t really have a lot of space in any event, but I suggested that we find an airbnb or hotel. At which point, she renewed her allegation that I don’t like her family. In reality, I don’t want to spend my time trying to share a queen bed with DW and a kid while we are visiting.

Why don’t you confirm the dramatic sleeping arrangement first?

Frankly between not wanting include the grandparents on outings, never wanting to host or socialize with other couples in your house, and not wanting to stay one night at someone else’s house for thanksgiving, YOU seem like the issue.

You’re rigid and introverted. Loosen up and enjoy some family time and traditions. Soon your (one?) kid will be older and have sports practices daily, games and tournaments on weekends X homework nightly, major projects to do on weekends, and the grandparents will be too old to travel or host well.

So grow up.

Nothing you have alluded to is anything in the realm of a rude or inconsiderate or unsafe family houseguest. If you’d like stories of that, LMK.

Not sure where you are pulling all this from. I am fine with including them on most things, but sometimes, you just want some time to be with your kid. Typically, there is almost nothing that is done alone during these visits. I'm not even sure I can sit down and read a bedtime story. Now, I am happy for for my kid to develop a relationship with grandparents. I want that. But, you know, sometimes, you just need a minute.

Also, I am perfectly fine hosting or socializing with others for things like dinners, birthday parties, informal get togethers, whatever. I am just not so much of a fan of having non-family members stay at my house at this point in my life. Sure, sometimes, it's fine, but if I am choosing, I'd rather not.

As to Thanksgiving, you say one night, but it's not. It's like 3-4 nights in a small house and in a small bed that doesn't fit all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know…but 10-14 days would be my ANNUAL limit for in-laws staying, however that may be distributed. If it is one long visit a year- fine- at least I know I don’t have to do it again for a year. I like my ILs just fine but find houseguests stressful in general.

All of this.
Also you guys need counseling to learn how to disagree better.

Agree, this is simple. You both need to learn how to discuss concerns early on and problem solve them together as a team.

OP here. I have been trying to have a conversation so we can handle it better. I get met with allegations that I dislike DW's family (which isn't true), and the conversation never really progresses from there. I would agree that we need better communication. This is something I have raised with DW many times, also to little avail.

You really have no idea why the comms aren’t working here?

Then get a therapist, have a specific topic and hash it out real-time with a third party there. Do a 10 min pre call each with the therapist first to discuss each of your perceived issues with comms and topic at hand.

One or both of you has poor verbal communication skills.

One or both of you may have zero self awareness or self reflection as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the ILs afford a hotel? Can you pay for a hotel for them? Even if someone can afford it will they be massively offended if you suggest it?

I think 10 days is fine if they come once a year or less. If more often no way. I loved having my ILs (RIP) for 3 week visits but they only came once every few years and were great guests. BILs family, the wife treats us like maids so we have a 4 day limit for them.

So you actually do like them, you just have a hard time with the long disruption to your routine which causes you stress and you blame that for fighting with your wife. Do l have that right? Is there something specific that triggers the fights that can be mitigated, besides shorter visits? Maybe you and wife can solve this together, like you going to work in a library for some days (if you WFH) - just an example.

You are correct. I like them. They are fine as guests. It’s just that it always results in some big fight between DW and me. I tried to talk to DW about that, and suggested that, from my perspective, having our usual routine disrupted for so long creates stress that builds up to a fight. She then got upset at me and accused me of not liking her parents. It would be great to work out a solution. However, she seems stuck on saying I don’t like her family. We have been stuck there since September.

We are now supposed to go visit some of her relatives for Thanksgiving. They don’t really have a lot of space in any event, but I suggested that we find an airbnb or hotel. At which point, she renewed her allegation that I don’t like her family. In reality, I don’t want to spend my time trying to share a queen bed with DW and a kid while we are visiting.

Why don’t you confirm the dramatic sleeping arrangement first?

Frankly between not wanting include the grandparents on outings, never wanting to host or socialize with other couples in your house, and not wanting to stay one night at someone else’s house for thanksgiving, YOU seem like the issue.

You’re rigid and introverted. Loosen up and enjoy some family time and traditions. Soon your (one?) kid will be older and have sports practices daily, games and tournaments on weekends X homework nightly, major projects to do on weekends, and the grandparents will be too old to travel or host well.

So grow up.

Nothing you have alluded to is anything in the realm of a rude or inconsiderate or unsafe family houseguest. If you’d like stories of that, LMK.

Not sure where you are pulling all this from. I am fine with including them on most things, but sometimes, you just want some time to be with your kid. Typically, there is almost nothing that is done alone during these visits. I'm not even sure I can sit down and read a bedtime story. Now, I am happy for for my kid to develop a relationship with grandparents. I want that. But, you know, sometimes, you just need a minute.

Also, I am perfectly fine hosting or socializing with others for things like dinners, birthday parties, informal get togethers, whatever. I am just not so much of a fan of having non-family members stay at my house at this point in my life. Sure, sometimes, it's fine, but if I am choosing, I'd rather not.

As to Thanksgiving, you say one night, but it's not. It's like 3-4 nights in a small house and in a small bed that doesn't fit all of us.

How many kids? What age?