How long is too long for in-laws to stay?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both work. When his parents schedule a visit, I remind him to take half days so he can entertain them.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know…but 10-14 days would be my ANNUAL limit for in-laws staying, however that may be distributed. If it is one long visit a year- fine- at least I know I don’t have to do it again for a year. I like my ILs just fine but find houseguests stressful in general.

[Anonymous]

It depends how far away they have to travel from and how often they come. If they’re coming from abroad or across the country, then I think it’s reasonable that they stay on the longer side whereas if they are visiting from somewhere closer/their travel to get to you is shorter/easier, then they shouldn’t stay as long. Also, if they’re only coming once or twice a year I think the longer stay makes sense whereas if they come more than twice a year then I’d advocate for shorter visits.

My parents live a 12 hr drive or 2.5 hr kind of expensive flight away so they visit less often (2-3x per year) but stay for 7-8 nights when they come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

To be clear, I would actually be ok with her parents staying for 10-12 days so long as we could avoid the fights. What I was trying to suggest was that there needs to be some extra grace during those periods instead of getting agitated. I also think that there need to be some times where it's ok for me to do things on my own with our kid, since I think it's important for my relationship with our child to continue as normal during long stays as well, rather than having everything turn into a group activity. I haven't really been able to have that discussion because it just turns into me being told that I don't like my DW's parents or her friends or whoever, and that I'm therefore the problem.

[Anonymous]

No more than 3 days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

To be clear, I would actually be ok with her parents staying for 10-12 days so long as we could avoid the fights. What I was trying to suggest was that there needs to be some extra grace during those periods instead of getting agitated. I also think that there need to be some times where it's ok for me to do things on my own with our kid, since I think it's important for my relationship with our child to continue as normal during long stays as well, rather than having everything turn into a group activity. I haven't really been able to have that discussion because it just turns into me being told that I don't like my DW's parents or her friends or whoever, and that I'm therefore the problem.

This is what I was going to ask — what are you actually fighting about? Focus on that since your ILS staying doesn’t seem to be the actual problem. If she thinks you need to be all family, all the time for 2 weeks — that is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 days.

+1. Maybe 5 if you REALLY like them.

Benjamin Franklin famously said that guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

It’s roommate time if after day 4. Are they good roommates, then you won’t notice. If bad roommates, not good situation if over a long weekend.

One set of grandparents will buy some rounds of groceries, fix stuff correctly in the house, rent a car and do their own thing, take us all to dinner, watch the kids well. Are friendly, considerate and love to inquire and talk at dinner.

Other set never opens their pocketbook, breaks things and appliances in the house, pesters the kids (fil is on the spectrum), don’t clean up their eating messes well, go out of the house once or twice a week (and pack a lunch), Dems a we go grocery shopping for them every three days, overeats vastly compared to when in their own house. Never talk or understand what is going on with anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

To be clear, I would actually be ok with her parents staying for 10-12 days so long as we could avoid the fights. What I was trying to suggest was that there needs to be some extra grace during those periods instead of getting agitated. I also think that there need to be some times where it's ok for me to do things on my own with our kid, since I think it's important for my relationship with our child to continue as normal during long stays as well, rather than having everything turn into a group activity. I haven't really been able to have that discussion because it just turns into me being told that I don't like my DW's parents or her friends or whoever, and that I'm therefore the problem.

Wtf does this mean?
What happened?

You want Saturday solo Disney Dad time with your elementary school kid while you’re hosting a set of grandparents for a week or two?

Or you don’t want them coming to the one hour soccer game “because it’s Dad time?”

Or you need some quiet time to help your kid study for a big test and grandma wants to watch or practice?

What’s the real pain point you’re hiding here OP.?. I certainly don’t see a reasonable one yet. And I have euro in laws who come a long time. They do opt out of some errands though to stay home and read books more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the ILs afford a hotel? Can you pay for a hotel for them? Even if someone can afford it will they be massively offended if you suggest it?

I think 10 days is fine if they come once a year or less. If more often no way. I loved having my ILs (RIP) for 3 week visits but they only came once every few years and were great guests. BILs family, the wife treats us like maids so we have a 4 day limit for them.

So you actually do like them, you just have a hard time with the long disruption to your routine which causes you stress and you blame that for fighting with your wife. Do l have that right? Is there something specific that triggers the fights that can be mitigated, besides shorter visits? Maybe you and wife can solve this together, like you going to work in a library for some days (if you WFH) - just an example.

You are correct. I like them. They are fine as guests. It’s just that it always results in some big fight between DW and me. I tried to talk to DW about that, and suggested that, from my perspective, having our usual routine disrupted for so long creates stress that builds up to a fight. She then got upset at me and accused me of not liking her parents. It would be great to work out a solution. However, she seems stuck on saying I don’t like her family. We have been stuck there since September.

We are now supposed to go visit some of her relatives for Thanksgiving. They don’t really have a lot of space in any event, but I suggested that we find an airbnb or hotel. At which point, she renewed her allegation that I don’t like her family. In reality, I don’t want to spend my time trying to share a queen bed with DW and a kid while we are visiting.

Why don’t you confirm the dramatic sleeping arrangement first?

Frankly between not wanting include the grandparents on outings, never wanting to host or socialize with other couples in your house, and not wanting to stay one night at someone else’s house for thanksgiving, YOU seem like the issue.

You’re rigid and introverted. Loosen up and enjoy some family time and traditions. Soon your (one?) kid will be older and have sports practices daily, games and tournaments on weekends X homework nightly, major projects to do on weekends, and the grandparents will be too old to travel or host well.

So grow up.

Nothing you have alluded to is anything in the realm of a rude or inconsiderate or unsafe family houseguest. If you’d like stories of that, LMK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me this very much depends on the guest. Guests who feed themselves, entertain themselves, and clean up after themselves can stay as long as they like. Guests who expect to be waited on can stay 3 nights max.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW’s parents like to come visit, which is great. However, when they do, they will stay at our house for 10-12 days. This isn’t a problem per se. I like them well enough, but the issue is that when they stay for so long, there is invariably some point where DW and I end up in a significant fight. I have expressed to her that, while I like her parents, having guests for such a long period disrupts the normal functioning of our house and results in strife. She now claims that I don’t like her family, and that I am trying to keep them away. Is it really unreasonable to think that having guests for 10-12 days at a time can create issues?

Separately, she’s constantly trying to invite her friends to stay at our home when they come to town. I don’t necessarily have an issue, but I also don’t like that so much. We are mid-40s with a kid. I am sort of over the idea of having friends stay at our house when they come to town. Feels like the sort of thing you do in your 20s. She also thinks that I hate her friends because of that. Am I being unreasonable?

That's almost two weeks and way too long. 5 days maximum and, preferably, three days. Remember house guests and fish start to smell after 3 days!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

To be clear, I would actually be ok with her parents staying for 10-12 days so long as we could avoid the fights. What I was trying to suggest was that there needs to be some extra grace during those periods instead of getting agitated. I also think that there need to be some times where it's ok for me to do things on my own with our kid, since I think it's important for my relationship with our child to continue as normal during long stays as well, rather than having everything turn into a group activity. I haven't really been able to have that discussion because it just turns into me being told that I don't like my DW's parents or her friends or whoever, and that I'm therefore the problem.

I think you avoid communication, which then builds and results in a fight, bwi case you avoided the underlying topic for so long.

Topic seems to be you want to do stuff alone with your kid. So you want until the last minute, everyone thinks they’re going to since they’re your wife and house guests and then there’s a “fight” at the last minute.

You claiming you want the schedule and participants to be “the routine”, and your spouse claiming that everyone should go, why not? You don’t respond.

So she reasonably assumes you don’t like them.

I see visiting grandparents at kids’ practices, games, school events, bday parties, movie theaters, playgrounds, grocery stores all the time Op. that’s fun memories for them and everyone.

Now if doors are slamming in fingers, kids are getting hit by cars, falling in the pool, and kids are playing on the firey grill because grandpa is out of it, that’s dangerous and a hazard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

To be clear, I would actually be ok with her parents staying for 10-12 days so long as we could avoid the fights. What I was trying to suggest was that there needs to be some extra grace during those periods instead of getting agitated. I also think that there need to be some times where it's ok for me to do things on my own with our kid, since I think it's important for my relationship with our child to continue as normal during long stays as well, rather than having everything turn into a group activity. I haven't really been able to have that discussion because it just turns into me being told that I don't like my DW's parents or her friends or whoever, and that I'm therefore the problem.

This is what I was going to ask — what are you actually fighting about? Focus on that since your ILS staying doesn’t seem to be the actual problem. If she thinks you need to be all family, all the time for 2 weeks — that is ridiculous.

How old is the kid?

Is the kid in preschool or school full days?

Where are the grandparents coming in from? How many times a year are you hosting them?

What’s your typical communication style with your spouse? Anyone avoidant and the other direct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know…but 10-14 days would be my ANNUAL limit for in-laws staying, however that may be distributed. If it is one long visit a year- fine- at least I know I don’t have to do it again for a year. I like my ILs just fine but find houseguests stressful in general.

All of this.
Also you guys need counseling to learn how to disagree better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

Ex-wife here. I agree. We all need our space.
Have you had your parents stay for the same duration of time to see how she handles it?