Wrong to not allow my teen DD to wear certain clothes
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Anonymous
My DD is 12, taller than me, great body by mainstream standards, and wants to wear crop tops and yoga pants. And the answer she gets from me and her dad is a resounding "No, nope, uh uh. NO." But she's come around to understanding why, as even when she just wears a regular tank top (covering her belly) and a skirt, she is starting to get attention from boys and men and she's starting to understand how quickly her entire being can be boiled down to just how she looks and how pretty she looks by way too many members of the public. She's starting to understand why there's energy there that as a 12 yr old and heck, as a 15 yr old too, she doesn't want that energy to be what people focus on. She's now NOT asking anymore for crop tops, she's enjoying shopping at thrift stores and getting baggier clothes. It just took explaining why we were saying no and letting her experiement a little when we were out together with how she dressed and discussing with her how she felt/noticed people reacting. And now she's come around to NOT wanting crop tops and yoga pants in public, although her PJs now are a crop top and shorts. Dont even get me started on the tie-in between how girls dress and how girls act on Instagram/Snapchat/tik tok.... The posing, the constant constant efforts to get just the right pic... toxic and undermining of self-esteem beyond belief. Which is why our 12 yr old isn't allowed to have accounts on any of those. But she still sees PLENTY from those sites on youtube and other sites like art websites. |
Anonymous
Speaking of absurd... OP ignore this. If clothing didn't matter and didn't represent so much about who people were, there wouldn't be a trillion dollar industry centered around it. And if how girls and women dressed was irrelevent, rape culture wouldn't try to explain sexual assault by talking about what a female victim was wearing at the time of the assault. It's completely wrong to act as if clothing justifies rape, but the fact that it's STILL a battle of perception and avoidance of holding males responsible for their behavior, but it DOES still show how deeply the way a girl/woman dresses has a defining effect on how so many others in the world "See" that girl/woman, and how they treat her. Lying to our girls that it's irrelevant is very dangerous. |
Anonymous
But is she really dressing for herself? Or has she (like most of us) internalized the message that our fashion choices should be dictated by what is attractive to men? I hear the argument all the time that sexually provocative clothes are empowering or an expression of a girl's/woman's freedom, and I don't buy it. When I wore short/tight clothes when I was younger, it was because I was insecure that I was pretty enough and wanted attention. I think if we're honest, that's exactly why girls still wear these clothes. |
Anonymous
+1 I have seen mothers walking with their teen daughters who are wearing shorts so short an inch or two of their butt cheeks are hanging out. Disgusting. |
Anonymous
This! |
Anonymous
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It's not toxic or shaming if you frame it the right way, but it is really hard to do that. I have told my daughter something similar, but only for school. I have said slightly more conservative clothes are the norm at school and it's arbitrary but she should uphold the norm anyway as a matter of living in our society.
I will note that if you say it's okay for your daughter to wear crop tops and short shorts, it doesn't sound like you are saying your daughter needs to cover up her body or that it's something to be ashamed about. It seems more in the vein of a fashion rule you want her to uphold. |
Anonymous
Disagree. Lots of lesbians and asexual people wear "revealing" clothes. It is hard to parse out exactly why an individual wears what they wear, but I think it's just as likely as not that it's not about men. I do agree that lots of girls and women have that internalized message, but I think it's better to talk about that message in terms of self-worth and how attention from men is totally useless, not by restricting clothing. That said, I do restrict what my daughter wears to school, just because I think we should dress for the occasion. I don't think asking a girl to wear a longer shirt if she is going to wear shorter shorts is different from asking a man to wear a suit and tie to court. |
Anonymous
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I genuinely don't understand the argument that girls shouldn't wear revealing clothes because it will turn boys on. a) what is wrong with a boy being turned on? b) sexual assault isn't correlated with what the victim is wearing.
And isn't it natural for a girl to explore the idea of having some kind of power over a boy because of her attractiveness? Won't she do that anyway through hair or saucy looks or tight jeans or a swimsuit pic on social media? It just seems like a conversations about real power v. fake power, conversations about sex, conversations about self-worth, etc are harder than talking about clothes but would be more useful. |