Family wedding - no kids allowed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just curious how others feel and would handle out of state, family weddings where your child isn’t invited. I would like to go, we have a small family and it’s my only cousin but I think it’s rude to not invite our daughter since, in my opinion, weddings are about celebrating with family and friends (including kids!). My parents will be at the wedding and my husbands family lives abroad so they are unable to help.... most likely my husband will be skipping the festivities, which makes me sad. Again, just curious how people would react - it’s making me feel sad but I don’t want to cause hurt feelings by not attending.

And someone else will think it is rude that they weren’t invited at all because the bride and groom had to invite their cousin’s seven year old (to whom I’m sure they’re very close ...) during a time with COVID numbers restrictions. Which friend or family member who actually knows the couple do you feel like your daughter should replace?

Someone else will think it’s rude that an evening wedding reception is full of overtired children, running around screaming while they try to have a conversation with a family member they haven’t seen in a year.

By this logic, no one should have a +1.
Maybe the OP’s daughter could replace another cousin’s newest girlfriend?

And 7 year old girls don’t run around and scream any more often than anyone else. 17 year old girls might if you get a couple of them together, but 7 year olds don’t.

It’s COVID, plenty of people won’t be getting a +1. “Another cousins newest girlfriend” also would potentially be vaccinated.

Stop.
We all know that it isn’t about covid. There were plenty of child-free weddings before covid. And it isn’t about kids running around screaming or who the couple knows or doesn’t know.
These are young people hosting a huge formal party costing thousands of dollars. They want it to be perfect, and they want to control every part of it that they possibly can. Kids are unpredictable, and it’s socially acceptable to exclude them, so they do. That’s it.
Stop pretending that there is some kind of logical reason. It comes off as false. This is an emotional decision based on fear and anxiety. You can’t blame the couple for feeling like they want to control everything they can about something so important. At the same time, you can’t blame parents for being upset. It’s always annoying to have to inconvenience yourself because of someone else’s anxiety.

NP. You're...wrong, actually. There are capacity limits. My kids were invited to a wedding last year, and when the postponed event invitations were sent, they are no longer invited. The groom sent a note explaining capacity limits, and my husband and I more than understand, because we're not nitwits.

I did invite kids to my wedding, and I have to say I didn't particularly appreciate that my older cousins dumped their kids on my teenage cousins, and basically used them as babysitters when they were also invited guests. You parents who seem to think your kids being there is soooo important sure are quick to ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter is 7 - it’ll be a 10 hour drive because it is combined with another family event the weekend prior (where everyone is invited) so we will be in my hometown for 1.5 weeks. I clearly am in the minority and that’s what I was curious about. I think family events are special and a great bonding experience and wish all family was included but again, guess not everyone feels the same. I don’t know why people thinks that makes me a terrible parent and/or person - I’m just someone who values family and relationships. I should also add this isn’t even in my hometown where I could probably find a babysitter that I have some familiarity with, it’s two hours away from that city, so we have no one to watch her and when I inquired about childcare options, was not offered any suggestions.

Because you apparently need this explained to you, you're a terrible person not because you believe family events are special and a great bonding experience, but because you apparently are incapable of understanding that others may not feel the same way, and accepting that differing points of view are just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fine, my kid is a preteen and I've never left them with a babysitter and I fully support it. We had a baby screaming through our entire wedding and it was boring. To the party for part of the time, ok but not the ceremony. I think its rude to expect kids to be invited.

What now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from a culture where weddings ALWAYS include children, so for me it's ridiculous that Americans think getting married should not involve kids.

I wouldn't go to a wedding that forbade children out of principle.

So decline. With your superior attitude, you will not be missed.

Sorry for the attitude, but yes, I do look down on the concept of child-free weddings and won't hide that.

This isn't just a preference like choosing the wedding colors or cake flavors. It's a fundamental understanding, or lack thereof, of the function of a wedding and what constitutes marriage. Unless you're one of the rare people that knows they will never want children, and actively dislike them around you, it's really disturbing to start off married life without kids on your special day. Kids at a wedding are natural and proper. It's one of the essential functions of a marriage to have kids. A family celebration isn't about family if no kids are involved. Since this seems to be confined to American weddings, I suppose it shows how fragmented the concept of family really is over here. In every wedding I went to, here and other countries, you just brought your baby and children, and people were happy to hold the baby while you danced and ate, and maybe there was a crib in a quiet corner somewhere for the nap, where people took turns watching your child, including you. My toddler slept on two chairs close to the dance floor. I had children as bridesmaids and bridegrooms at my wedding, since it's the tradition in my country. It was held in my family's castle. Relaxed, yet elegant. You can have both.

Family Castle

NP. Anything seems like a castle in the non-slums of certain countries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would actually ask your cousin what his/her preference is and start a conversation about it. People without kids have no clue what it takes to make these choices and so sometimes it's just that they didn't really think it through. Before you decide definitively, I would talk to them. They may change their mind about bringing your daughter.

Are you kidding? The cousin already explained his/her preference - no kids. Unless s/he is somehow aware OP has a 7 yo, this includes that kid. This is just a passive aggressive attempt to gripe at the cousin.

Some of you people appear to have been raised in a barn. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
By this logic, no one should have a +1.
Maybe the OP’s daughter could replace another cousin’s newest girlfriend?

And 7 year old girls don’t run around and scream any more often than anyone else. 17 year old girls might if you get a couple of them together, but 7 year olds don’t.

Seriously? Sorry but I think you’re one of those ‘special snowflake’ kind of parents.

I worked weddings for a year at the hottest venue in the town - saw lots of kid free receptions and lots of receptions with kids. What happens almost universally at weddings with kids is that parents of those kids get more and more neglectful of watching their kids as the reception goes on. Kids of ALL ages get overstimulated by the music, the unfamiliar setting and behaviors of adults in attendance (yes I mean the intoxicated behavior of many adults) and the kids very often get into feral play behavior with cousins they haven’t seen in years and kids they’ve never met. I can’t tell you the number of disgusting messes I’ve cleaned up caused by kids - they especially like to recreate dramatically the cake eating portion of the reception, with added emphasis and overdramatized rendition of the crushing cake on the face aspect of this ritual.

I’ve also numerous times seen waitstaff and/or attendees injured by tray accidents that happened because children were running around unattended while large trays of hot food and beverage were being delivered to tables at mealtime.

I went to several weddings as a young child. My aunt Bonnie’s I remember most fondly - I was fascinated with the rule that the bride & groom had to kiss anytime a guest tapped their champagne glass with cutlery; I did it several times and my mom scolded me, but my aunt Bonnie shushed her.

If more parents parented today the way they did in my childhood - at least in terms of expectations of behavior in public, especially restaurants, etc. - then more folks would probably want kids at their weddings. Child portions are cheaper and many venues discount kids in the headcount too. I honestly think that many people who choose a kid free wedding do it to avoid the presence of special snowflake kid behavior that cannot be curtailed by discipline because that would crush the child’s spirit forever and ever.

NP. I was with you until you started acting like Boomer parents drank less and were more watchful of their kids at events than current parents of young kids. Uhhhh...nope. Boomers are by far the bigger drinkers and more apt to tell their kids to "go play" with no supervision so they can drink (and smoke). Like sorry, nope.

Your mileage may vary poster, I’m simply speaking of my experiences.

Yes in the 70s (my parents were actually born before WWII in ‘32 and ‘40 so not boomers, maybe that’s the key) we were free range ‘go play, be home by dinnertime’ in many respects, but in a formal public setting like a wedding reception or restaurant or movie theater, we were expected to shush and act right or we got taken out pretty close to immediately. None of the letting kids run around a restaurant or up and down the aisles of the theater or talking/crying/screaming loudly on and on and on, ruining the meal or movie for other patrons because special snowflake’s parents don’t want to make the sacrifice of getting up and walking out with an unruly child until said child can compose themselves - or better yet, being an accurate judge of the child’s capacity to behave in such a setting before bringing them along in the first place. Get a babysitter? Leave the kids home? No way! Special snowflake must be part of every activity even at an age when special snowflake will form zero memory of the event.

I love kids, fiercely. I hate much of modern parenting, which makes kids unlikeable to many people and sets them up for an adulthood of massive disappointment when the rest of the world doesn’t appreciate and reward their special snowflake behavior. When I worked in the juvenile justice system I saw this routinely - and the shocked attitudes of parents who just couldn’t grasp how their indulgent (I consider it neglectful) parenting resulted in such a messed up teenager or young adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
By this logic, no one should have a +1.
Maybe the OP’s daughter could replace another cousin’s newest girlfriend?

And 7 year old girls don’t run around and scream any more often than anyone else. 17 year old girls might if you get a couple of them together, but 7 year olds don’t.

Seriously? Sorry but I think you’re one of those ‘special snowflake’ kind of parents.

I worked weddings for a year at the hottest venue in the town - saw lots of kid free receptions and lots of receptions with kids. What happens almost universally at weddings with kids is that parents of those kids get more and more neglectful of watching their kids as the reception goes on. Kids of ALL ages get overstimulated by the music, the unfamiliar setting and behaviors of adults in attendance (yes I mean the intoxicated behavior of many adults) and the kids very often get into feral play behavior with cousins they haven’t seen in years and kids they’ve never met. I can’t tell you the number of disgusting messes I’ve cleaned up caused by kids - they especially like to recreate dramatically the cake eating portion of the reception, with added emphasis and overdramatized rendition of the crushing cake on the face aspect of this ritual.

I’ve also numerous times seen waitstaff and/or attendees injured by tray accidents that happened because children were running around unattended while large trays of hot food and beverage were being delivered to tables at mealtime.

I went to several weddings as a young child. My aunt Bonnie’s I remember most fondly - I was fascinated with the rule that the bride & groom had to kiss anytime a guest tapped their champagne glass with cutlery; I did it several times and my mom scolded me, but my aunt Bonnie shushed her.

If more parents parented today the way they did in my childhood - at least in terms of expectations of behavior in public, especially restaurants, etc. - then more folks would probably want kids at their weddings. Child portions are cheaper and many venues discount kids in the headcount too. I honestly think that many people who choose a kid free wedding do it to avoid the presence of special snowflake kid behavior that cannot be curtailed by discipline because that would crush the child’s spirit forever and ever.

NP. I was with you until you started acting like Boomer parents drank less and were more watchful of their kids at events than current parents of young kids. Uhhhh...nope. Boomers are by far the bigger drinkers and more apt to tell their kids to "go play" with no supervision so they can drink (and smoke). Like sorry, nope.

Your mileage may vary poster, I’m simply speaking of my experiences.

Yes in the 70s (my parents were actually born before WWII in ‘32 and ‘40 so not boomers, maybe that’s the key) we were free range ‘go play, be home by dinnertime’ in many respects, but in a formal public setting like a wedding reception or restaurant or movie theater, we were expected to shush and act right or we got taken out pretty close to immediately. None of the letting kids run around a restaurant or up and down the aisles of the theater or talking/crying/screaming loudly on and on and on, ruining the meal or movie for other patrons because special snowflake’s parents don’t want to make the sacrifice of getting up and walking out with an unruly child until said child can compose themselves - or better yet, being an accurate judge of the child’s capacity to behave in such a setting before bringing them along in the first place. Get a babysitter? Leave the kids home? No way! Special snowflake must be part of every activity even at an age when special snowflake will form zero memory of the event.

I love kids, fiercely. I hate much of modern parenting, which makes kids unlikeable to many people and sets them up for an adulthood of massive disappointment when the rest of the world doesn’t appreciate and reward their special snowflake behavior. When I worked in the juvenile justice system I saw this routinely - and the shocked attitudes of parents who just couldn’t grasp how their indulgent (I consider it neglectful) parenting resulted in such a messed up teenager or young adult.

Thanks for your anecdata. In MY experience, our parents' generation didn't check on kids at all during parties and events. You're trying to have it both ways; you're trying to cast parents today of being hovering/micromanaging/can't-be-without-my-kids, or negligent. Pick a lane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m just curious how others feel and would handle out of state, family weddings where your child isn’t invited. I would like to go, we have a small family and it’s my only cousin but I think it’s rude to not invite our daughter since, in my opinion, weddings are about celebrating with family and friends (including kids!). My parents will be at the wedding and my husbands family lives abroad so they are unable to help.... most likely my husband will be skipping the festivities, which makes me sad. Again, just curious how people would react - it’s making me feel sad but I don’t want to cause hurt feelings by not attending.

So have kids at your wedding since that is the only wedding you have control over. Other people feel differently and will do different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love kid free weddings.

Leave your child or don’t go.

This. Thanks for giving me an excuse to escape the drudgery of our current child-centric parenting lives. Not having kids up in your face after 8 pm used to be the norm. Now the only truly "adult spaces" are swingers clubs and that's a shame. Experiences can be meaningful even if little Johnny or Susie do not share them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would actually ask your cousin what his/her preference is and start a conversation about it. People without kids have no clue what it takes to make these choices and so sometimes it's just that they didn't really think it through. Before you decide definitively, I would talk to them. They may change their mind about bringing your daughter.

No, do not do this. You got an invitation. Accept or decline. That's it.

[Anonymous]

There is no inconsistency in what I asserted. A great many parents today expect their children to be included in everything - OP and numerous other posters in the thread are evidence of the assertion.

A great many parents today bring their children to formal functions and settings and will not discipline their children’s inappropriate (for that setting) at all. Anyone who spends anytime in public knows this. The modern parenting concepts have gone awry in far too many families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks for your anecdata. In MY experience, our parents' generation didn't check on kids at all during parties and events. You're trying to have it both ways; you're trying to cast parents today of being hovering/micromanaging/can't-be-without-my-kids, or negligent. Pick a lane.

There is no inconsistency in what I asserted. A great many parents today expect their children to be included in everything - OP and numerous other posters in the thread are evidence of the assertion.

A great many parents today bring their children to formal functions and settings and will not discipline their children’s inappropriate (for that setting) at all. Anyone who spends anytime in public knows this. The modern parenting concepts have gone awry in far too many families.

[Anonymous]

My brother threw a fit when he didn’t get to design my wedding around his 3 kids. Grandparents lived in town also. Crazy. Your wedding your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter is 7 - it’ll be a 10 hour drive because it is combined with another family event the weekend prior (where everyone is invited) so we will be in my hometown for 1.5 weeks. I clearly am in the minority and that’s what I was curious about. I think family events are special and a great bonding experience and wish all family was included but again, guess not everyone feels the same. I don’t know why people thinks that makes me a terrible parent and/or person - I’m just someone who values family and relationships. I should also add this isn’t even in my hometown where I could probably find a babysitter that I have some familiarity with, it’s two hours away from that city, so we have no one to watch her and when I inquired about childcare options, was not offered any suggestions.

With this combined family event surely someone can watch your daughter for a few hours. Repeat to self: not MY WEDDING!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from a culture where weddings ALWAYS include children, so for me it's ridiculous that Americans think getting married should not involve kids.

I wouldn't go to a wedding that forbade children out of principle.

So decline. With your superior attitude, you will not be missed.

Sorry for the attitude, but yes, I do look down on the concept of child-free weddings and won't hide that.

This isn't just a preference like choosing the wedding colors or cake flavors. It's a fundamental understanding, or lack thereof, of the function of a wedding and what constitutes marriage. Unless you're one of the rare people that knows they will never want children, and actively dislike them around you, it's really disturbing to start off married life without kids on your special day. Kids at a wedding are natural and proper. It's one of the essential functions of a marriage to have kids. A family celebration isn't about family if no kids are involved. Since this seems to be confined to American weddings, I suppose it shows how fragmented the concept of family really is over here. In every wedding I went to, here and other countries, you just brought your baby and children, and people were happy to hold the baby while you danced and ate, and maybe there was a crib in a quiet corner somewhere for the nap, where people took turns watching your child, including you. My toddler slept on two chairs close to the dance floor. I had children as bridesmaids and bridegrooms at my wedding, since it's the tradition in my country. It was held in my family's castle. Relaxed, yet elegant. You can have both.

You sound like a pill.