Family wedding - no kids allowed

[Anonymous]

Now that I have a kid I am even less in favor of kids at weddings. What would I even do with her? She goes to sleep so early! Obviously if you have a kid and get invited to a wedding, you bring them and hire a sitter or one spouse stays at home. Or you decline, which is fine! I just don’t get why you would even want your kids to be at the wedding. Maybe the ceremony, but not the party! Late night parties are not for children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from a culture where weddings ALWAYS include children, so for me it's ridiculous that Americans think getting married should not involve kids.

I wouldn't go to a wedding that forbade children out of principle.

So decline. With your superior attitude, you will not be missed.

Sorry for the attitude, but yes, I do look down on the concept of child-free weddings and won't hide that.

This isn't just a preference like choosing the wedding colors or cake flavors. It's a fundamental understanding, or lack thereof, of the function of a wedding and what constitutes marriage. Unless you're one of the rare people that knows they will never want children, and actively dislike them around you, it's really disturbing to start off married life without kids on your special day. Kids at a wedding are natural and proper. It's one of the essential functions of a marriage to have kids. A family celebration isn't about family if no kids are involved. Since this seems to be confined to American weddings, I suppose it shows how fragmented the concept of family really is over here. In every wedding I went to, here and other countries, you just brought your baby and children, and people were happy to hold the baby while you danced and ate, and maybe there was a crib in a quiet corner somewhere for the nap, where people took turns watching your child, including you. My toddler slept on two chairs close to the dance floor. I had children as bridesmaids and bridegrooms at my wedding, since it's the tradition in my country. It was held in my family's castle. Relaxed, yet elegant. You can have both.

Not relaxed. Not elegant. It’s your culture: go for it. Obviously not the brides culture. People are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would actually ask your cousin what his/her preference is and start a conversation about it. People without kids have no clue what it takes to make these choices and so sometimes it's just that they didn't really think it through. Before you decide definitively, I would talk to them. They may change their mind about bringing your daughter.

No, do not do this. You got an invitation. Accept or decline. That's it.

100% this. You already know your cousin's preference. You just don't agree with it. You kid was not invited. Go without the kid or don't go. Pretty clear cut.

[Anonymous]

OP, is it your wedding? If not, get over yourself. People have a right to their day - they paid for it, not you. Your kid is not the master of their universe. No one cares if your kid is not at someone else's wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would actually ask your cousin what his/her preference is and start a conversation about it. People without kids have no clue what it takes to make these choices and so sometimes it's just that they didn't really think it through. Before you decide definitively, I would talk to them. They may change their mind about bringing your daughter.

No, do not do this. You got an invitation. Accept or decline. That's it.

100% this. You already know your cousin's preference. You just don't agree with it. You kid was not invited. Go without the kid or don't go. Pretty clear cut.

+1

Be an adult, OP. You don't get to pout, stomp and whine over this. What is wrong with people who can't take no for an answer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from a culture where weddings ALWAYS include children, so for me it's ridiculous that Americans think getting married should not involve kids.

I wouldn't go to a wedding that forbade children out of principle.

So decline. With your superior attitude, you will not be missed.

Sorry for the attitude, but yes, I do look down on the concept of child-free weddings and won't hide that.

This isn't just a preference like choosing the wedding colors or cake flavors. It's a fundamental understanding, or lack thereof, of the function of a wedding and what constitutes marriage. Unless you're one of the rare people that knows they will never want children, and actively dislike them around you, it's really disturbing to start off married life without kids on your special day. Kids at a wedding are natural and proper. It's one of the essential functions of a marriage to have kids. A family celebration isn't about family if no kids are involved. Since this seems to be confined to American weddings, I suppose it shows how fragmented the concept of family really is over here. In every wedding I went to, here and other countries, you just brought your baby and children, and people were happy to hold the baby while you danced and ate, and maybe there was a crib in a quiet corner somewhere for the nap, where people took turns watching your child, including you. My toddler slept on two chairs close to the dance floor. I had children as bridesmaids and bridegrooms at my wedding, since it's the tradition in my country. It was held in my family's castle. Relaxed, yet elegant. You can have both.

Not relaxed. Not elegant. It’s your culture: go for it. Obviously not the brides culture. People are different.

OP, the bride and groom already know you are judging them, and they don't care. It says more about you than them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from a culture where weddings ALWAYS include children, so for me it's ridiculous that Americans think getting married should not involve kids.

I wouldn't go to a wedding that forbade children out of principle.

So decline. With your superior attitude, you will not be missed.

Sorry for the attitude, but yes, I do look down on the concept of child-free weddings and won't hide that.

This isn't just a preference like choosing the wedding colors or cake flavors. It's a fundamental understanding, or lack thereof, of the function of a wedding and what constitutes marriage. Unless you're one of the rare people that knows they will never want children, and actively dislike them around you, it's really disturbing to start off married life without kids on your special day. Kids at a wedding are natural and proper. It's one of the essential functions of a marriage to have kids. A family celebration isn't about family if no kids are involved. Since this seems to be confined to American weddings, I suppose it shows how fragmented the concept of family really is over here. In every wedding I went to, here and other countries, you just brought your baby and children, and people were happy to hold the baby while you danced and ate, and maybe there was a crib in a quiet corner somewhere for the nap, where people took turns watching your child, including you. My toddler slept on two chairs close to the dance floor. I had children as bridesmaids and bridegrooms at my wedding, since it's the tradition in my country. It was held in my family's castle. Relaxed, yet elegant. You can have both.

:

.

I am all for people having kids at their weddings if that’s the culture and what they want, but I can not have them at my own wedding without feeling the need to insult or denigrate yours. It’s outrageous and offensive to suggest that not having kids at a wedding means the couple doesn’t value family. And stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just curious how others feel and would handle out of state, family weddings where your child isn’t invited. I would like to go, we have a small family and it’s my only cousin but I think it’s rude to not invite our daughter since, in my opinion, weddings are about celebrating with family and friends (including kids!). My parents will be at the wedding and my husbands family lives abroad so they are unable to help.... most likely my husband will be skipping the festivities, which makes me sad. Again, just curious how people would react - it’s making me feel sad but I don’t want to cause hurt feelings by not attending.

How old is your daughter? If you kid is over the age of 4 than they should be invited but, I wouldn't make a fuss. Just send a present and decline going.

No, they shouldn't. The bride and groom should invite the guests they want at their wedding which may or may not include children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about you. Find a sitter locally or leave your child with a trusted friend.[/quote]

See I wouldn't do that for my friend nor my kid. How many people want to care for another kid for a weekend?

I would do it for a friend so they could attend a wedding with their spouse and have a minute of couple time without kids around gumming up the works.

[Anonymous]

I once went to a wedding with ABSOLUTELY NO drinking. Boy that wedding was over quickly. Good thing we got there in time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go. The out-of-state last "kid free" wedding we were invited to cost us several thousands between the week-end away with the groom's men (husband was in the wedding), the money they spent getting drunk at strip club (eyeroll), the hotel at the wedding venue, renting the outfits, gifts and whatnot. My husband attended while I stayed home with the kids. Never again. I can find a better use of my money. And if you don't care about meeting my kids then don't expect me to get all excited when it's your turn to have a family.

Nobody cares about meeting your kids.

Until they expect her to babysit their kids at another family event five or so years from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister pulled this crap with her six year old. Lobbied parents and grandparents and ruined the months leading up to our wedding. I still don’t talk to her years later. It was not her event to organize, it was ours. Hate people who think their child is the eighth wonder who just can’t be left with a sitter!

You didn't allow your niece/nephew to attend your wedding? Wow.

[Anonymous]

I can see being disappointed about my kids being excluded from a sibling's wedding, I cannot for the life of me imagine being sad that my kid was not invited to a cousin's wedding. A COUSIN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go. The out-of-state last "kid free" wedding we were invited to cost us several thousands between the week-end away with the groom's men (husband was in the wedding), the money they spent getting drunk at strip club (eyeroll), the hotel at the wedding venue, renting the outfits, gifts and whatnot. My husband attended while I stayed home with the kids. Never again. I can find a better use of my money. And if you don't care about meeting my kids then don't expect me to get all excited when it's your turn to have a family.

Nobody cares about meeting your kids.

Until they expect her to babysit their kids at another family event five or so years from now.

NP. The only people we have ever asked to watch our kids overnight are grandparents, one aunt whose kids *I* used to watch overnight when I was in my 20s and they were little, and daycare teachers who we pay handsomely. Not everyone expects a "village," just a few very close people with whom there is already an organic relationship. Tit for tat types don't make the list.

Sure, I like to meet/see my cousin's kids or whomever, but I don't want to attend an elegant and fun party with them. Or mine. Or anyone else's. Unless they are there for the ceremony and the dinner, then the parents (or a hired sitter) puts them to bed at a proper time. I want to talk to my friends and relatives, not "watch Bitsy for just a quick minute" while her parents get food or dance or whatever. I do plenty of watching my own kids, and family members', at casual events such as family reunions. I don't want your kids underfoot on one of the few times we all get to dress up, eat cake, dance, and have ADULT conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now that I have a kid I am even less in favor of kids at weddings. What would I even do with her? She goes to sleep so early! Obviously if you have a kid and get invited to a wedding, you bring them and hire a sitter or one spouse stays at home. Or you decline, which is fine! I just don’t get why you would even want your kids to be at the wedding. Maybe the ceremony, but not the party! Late night parties are not for children.

Agreed! It's so rare that I get a night out, I don't want to spend the wedding chasing my kids around.

I get not having good options for allowing both OP and her DH to go- I'll likely be flying to two family weddings on my own in the fall. It is what it is. Another cousin is getting married next summer in their hometown, a beach location, so we will probably travel as a family and make a vacation out of it, but hire a sitter for the wedding. In that case we know that our family members there will be able to recommend a good sitter.

We tried to strike a compromise for our wedding- encouraged local guests to leave their kids at home but were understanding with the out of town guests who didn't have great options. However at that point not many of my cousins had kids yet. And my parents' friends totally took advantage of it and brought their grandkids to the wedding without asking!! So I think it's easier just to draw a line with No Kids to avoid hurt feelings.