SAHM vs WOHM, why the strong feelings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about rich non-working women —come on.

The vast majority in the DMV have salaries that can’t support/justify the cost of childcare so they stay home. Period.

They aren’t living this glamorous life.

They're not the people who get everyone all riled up, though, and what makes these threads run on to 20 + pages of attacks and rhetoric like "useless leeches".

I've definitely seen wealthy SAHMs on DCUM tell poorer working women who have to work they aren't raising their kids.

I've definitely seen woh moms posting here telling sahms that their husbands are/will be cheating, leaving them destitute, they are slaves, etc. Many women on this board seriously can't wrap their minds around the fact that there are loving, devoted, faithful, committed men who have a sah partner.

Me too. I’m a SAHM of school aged kids - so the exact person all these women seem to hate - married to a fabulous partner. He makes a point of telling me how much he values what I do for the family (especially now with DL!). He is highly paid but has the flexibility that comes with a very senior role so even before the pandemic he was home in time for dinner, came to school and sporting events, etc. He gets six weeks off and since it’s a use or lose it situation, he uses all of it.

I don’t get all these bitter accusations that he is inevitably going to leave me high and dry. We’ve been happily married for 20 years and we have full financial transparency. My name is on all our accounts, he has a 2.5M life insurance policy, etc. I don’t know why posters in here assume we aren’t doing the necessary things to protect ourselves. Shrug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about rich non-working women —come on.

The vast majority in the DMV have salaries that can’t support/justify the cost of childcare so they stay home. Period.

They aren’t living this glamorous life.

They're not the people who get everyone all riled up, though, and what makes these threads run on to 20 + pages of attacks and rhetoric like "useless leeches".

I've definitely seen wealthy SAHMs on DCUM tell poorer working women who have to work they aren't raising their kids.

I've definitely seen woh moms posting here telling sahms that their husbands are/will be cheating, leaving them destitute, they are slaves, etc. Many women on this board seriously can't wrap their minds around the fact that there are loving, devoted, faithful, committed men who have a sah partner.

Me too. I’m a SAHM of school aged kids - so the exact person all these women seem to hate - married to a fabulous partner. He makes a point of telling me how much he values what I do for the family (especially now with DL!). He is highly paid but has the flexibility that comes with a very senior role so even before the pandemic he was home in time for dinner, came to school and sporting events, etc. He gets six weeks off and since it’s a use or lose it situation, he uses all of it.

I don’t get all these bitter accusations that he is inevitably going to leave me high and dry. We’ve been happily married for 20 years and we have full financial transparency. My name is on all our accounts, he has a 2.5M life insurance policy, etc. I don’t know why posters in here assume we aren’t doing the necessary things to protect ourselves. Shrug.

This is what I think is weird with all the posts telling SAHMs that their husbands will inevitably cheat, leave them destitute, etc. You're a person who's been married for 20 years. I assume you dated this man for some time before you got married. What gives a stranger the idea that they know more about your ~ 22-25 year relationship than you do? It's the most bizarre thing. I think it's that type of thing that is really telling of their true animosity and that it points to jealousy as a motivation for spewing such unwarrented venom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get it. Right now I'm a stay at home mom because that is what is working for us right now. In a few years I would love to work part time (probably as a teacher).

I just don't get the need to form or take sides. I have friends who are doctors. Lawyers. Teachers. One doctor friend works 2 days a week and I consider her basically a sahm. My SAHM friends are just as smart and competent, but staying at home works better for them.

People and situations change over time. One day you might choose to stay at home for a year, or work for a while.

There's no one right way to do life or parenting. Some kids need a sah parent; most are just as happy in day care. Some husbands don't want to be involved in household decisions, others want to know what brand soap you use to wash dishes. Not everything needs to be either/ or.

For SAHM, saying “it’s what is working for us right now” doesn’t evoke strong feelings from me. It means it’s fluid, any choice is valid and perhaps in a different situation you might make a different choice and it’s a YMMV situation. When someone leads with “and I would never put my child in daycare, I strongly believe a parent should be home with the kids etc.”, that has changed the conversation in my mind to an implied criticism of other choices. If you truly believe a child can have a great childhood and be a contributing member of society if they go to daycare and have WOHM, why frame it as you have to be there for those things to occur?

Some of this is also the “provider” narrative with some of the DCUM debates. That there is a competition of how good of a guy you have and how worthy you must have been to get that guy based on either how much of a provider or how involved he is in the family life and division of labor in the household. The law firm partner who also coaches their kids sports teams and you see at school events and his wife is a SAHM with help - I just think - well she has it like that. There are lots of debates that can be had about the “provider” mindset, what if that doesn’t work for the guy, does that make him a bad guy?is it okay for the woman to be the provider. Does having the man as the provider mindset hold woman back either themselves or others. I’ve heard of someone choosing not to get rid of a guy that wasn’t doing his job well because he had “a family to provide for” while not giving a promotion to a woman because they said they didn’t have enough money for the raise. Is it okay for the woman to be the provider? I feel like people are still feeling their way around these questions and define what makes a good spouse and what makes a good parent without some of the gender defines roles. Some of the SAHM vs WOHM debates are an extension of these things.

I'm not really getting your point here. All else being equal, who wouldn't rather have more money? Who wouldn't rather have their husband more involved with their children and family life? Granted, not everyone wants to be a SAHM. But the other things you point out, who wouldn't want that? Someone who makes a lot of money but still prioritizes your family life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I saw my mother sacrifice her career for ten years when my sisters and I were little and she never regained her footing. My dad left her and remarried a professional woman, younger woman, and my mom had nothing to call her own. My sisters and I went away to college and left her. Funny thing is - my mom was the parent with the very high IQ.

I get scared for my friends when they say they want to SAH. My issues entirely, I know, but it’s a deep feeling of fear and dread for them.

Childhood experiences or trauma often drive decisions, so this isn’t surprising in your situation. Of course, many others had entirely different experiences that are driving their choices.

NP - another personal experience driving it. My mom stayed home while we were young, and got a second degree with the plan to "flip" roles with my dad when we hit middle school. Then we had the shock of my dad passing leaving my mom with two young children the year she graduated. Trying to enter a new career field with two young children as a new widow was too much for her so she took a few years off to raise us, then was never able to enter her new career field, and was left picking low paying jobs that offered good health insurance and flexibility to be able to parent us properly.



+2. Same. My mother was left with nothing.
it was very engrained in my head, never give up your career, you don't know what the future holds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about rich non-working women —come on.

The vast majority in the DMV have salaries that can’t support/justify the cost of childcare so they stay home. Period.

They aren’t living this glamorous life.

They're not the people who get everyone all riled up, though, and what makes these threads run on to 20 + pages of attacks and rhetoric like "useless leeches".

I've definitely seen wealthy SAHMs on DCUM tell poorer working women who have to work they aren't raising their kids.

I've definitely seen woh moms posting here telling sahms that their husbands are/will be cheating, leaving them destitute, they are slaves, etc. Many women on this board seriously can't wrap their minds around the fact that there are loving, devoted, faithful, committed men who have a sah partner.

Me too. I’m a SAHM of school aged kids - so the exact person all these women seem to hate - married to a fabulous partner. He makes a point of telling me how much he values what I do for the family (especially now with DL!). He is highly paid but has the flexibility that comes with a very senior role so even before the pandemic he was home in time for dinner, came to school and sporting events, etc. He gets six weeks off and since it’s a use or lose it situation, he uses all of it.

I don’t get all these bitter accusations that he is inevitably going to leave me high and dry. We’ve been happily married for 20 years and we have full financial transparency. My name is on all our accounts, he has a 2.5M life insurance policy, etc. I don’t know why posters in here assume we aren’t doing the necessary things to protect ourselves. Shrug.

This is what I think is weird with all the posts telling SAHMs that their husbands will inevitably cheat, leave them destitute, etc. You're a person who's been married for 20 years. I assume you dated this man for some time before you got married. What gives a stranger the idea that they know more about your ~ 22-25 year relationship than you do? It's the most bizarre thing. I think it's that type of thing that is really telling of their true animosity and that it points to jealousy as a motivation for spewing such unwarrented venom.

Well it’s bc their husbands are cheating or have cheated before on them...because they are nasty hags who hate themselves. Or they’re bitter men who hate women. There’s a reason they relish telling people “men cheat and you’re delusional if you think he wouldn’t screw his unattractive junior coworker.” They’re looking in the mirror when they say that.

[Anonymous]

Ideally, everyone should have a backup plan. But if SAHM is working for you, you don't need to live in fear that your husband will up and abandon you one day.

My father couldn't hold a job. My mom hated working but did it to hold the family together and was very resentful. For me, being a SAHM feels very good and I'm very grateful for the opportunity. Things can change and I'm willing to work if they do.

Yes, things happen. But I have kids knowing the world might blow up in a nuclear holocaust one day too. You can't live life always prepared for a worst case scenariom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about rich non-working women —come on.

The vast majority in the DMV have salaries that can’t support/justify the cost of childcare so they stay home. Period.

They aren’t living this glamorous life.

They're not the people who get everyone all riled up, though, and what makes these threads run on to 20 + pages of attacks and rhetoric like "useless leeches".

I've definitely seen wealthy SAHMs on DCUM tell poorer working women who have to work they aren't raising their kids.

I've definitely seen woh moms posting here telling sahms that their husbands are/will be cheating, leaving them destitute, they are slaves, etc. Many women on this board seriously can't wrap their minds around the fact that there are loving, devoted, faithful, committed men who have a sah partner.

Me too. I’m a SAHM of school aged kids - so the exact person all these women seem to hate - married to a fabulous partner. He makes a point of telling me how much he values what I do for the family (especially now with DL!). He is highly paid but has the flexibility that comes with a very senior role so even before the pandemic he was home in time for dinner, came to school and sporting events, etc. He gets six weeks off and since it’s a use or lose it situation, he uses all of it.

I don’t get all these bitter accusations that he is inevitably going to leave me high and dry. We’ve been happily married for 20 years and we have full financial transparency. My name is on all our accounts, he has a 2.5M life insurance policy, etc. I don’t know why posters in here assume we aren’t doing the necessary things to protect ourselves. Shrug.

This is what I think is weird with all the posts telling SAHMs that their husbands will inevitably cheat, leave them destitute, etc. You're a person who's been married for 20 years. I assume you dated this man for some time before you got married. What gives a stranger the idea that they know more about your ~ 22-25 year relationship than you do? It's the most bizarre thing. I think it's that type of thing that is really telling of their true animosity and that it points to jealousy as a motivation for spewing such unwarrented venom.

At least from what I've seen, many of the DCUM women posting about men cheating, etc. are doing it based on their own personal experiences. If their personal experience doesn't relate to you, I don't see why you care that someone said men sometimes cheat. That's why I differentiate between the gratuitously mean wealthy SAHMs on DCUM who tell poorer working moms that they aren't raising their kids. They are only doing it to be nasty, whereas a lot of the women who post about cheating men are doing it based on personal experience.

I've been both by the way. I dislike the nasty DCUM WOHMs, too, and if you saw my post history you would see a history of me telling them off too, but I think it's pretty blind to pretend there isn't an exceptionally nasty pack of wealthy SAHMs on DCUM whose sport in life seems to be tearing down average working women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about WAH?

It’s really the best of both worlds. I am here at home. I work when kids are in school. I have an incredibly flexible Fed job in my field. I have great health benefits, retirement and a GS-15 salary. I don’t need to work because my husband makes a high income, but I find it fulfilling and my parents did tell all of us to always keep a foot in the workplace. You never know what will happen in life. My mom worked and my mother-in-law worked and my dad was very involved in our lives and cooked dinners, coached teams, etc. My husband and I are proud of our mother’s careers. I think it sets a good example for my sons that both parents contribute equally at home and earn.

It really takes the pressure off from one spouse being solely financially responsible.

Hard to get such a job that actually earns money.

Not really. There are 1,000s if women at my agency GS14/15s making $150-200k.

They all have full time telework?

And GS15 tops out at $170 so how did you get to $200k?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about rich non-working women —come on.

The vast majority in the DMV have salaries that can’t support/justify the cost of childcare so they stay home. Period.

They aren’t living this glamorous life.

They're not the people who get everyone all riled up, though, and what makes these threads run on to 20 + pages of attacks and rhetoric like "useless leeches".

I've definitely seen wealthy SAHMs on DCUM tell poorer working women who have to work they aren't raising their kids.

I've definitely seen woh moms posting here telling sahms that their husbands are/will be cheating, leaving them destitute, they are slaves, etc. Many women on this board seriously can't wrap their minds around the fact that there are loving, devoted, faithful, committed men who have a sah partner.

Me too. I’m a SAHM of school aged kids - so the exact person all these women seem to hate - married to a fabulous partner. He makes a point of telling me how much he values what I do for the family (especially now with DL!). He is highly paid but has the flexibility that comes with a very senior role so even before the pandemic he was home in time for dinner, came to school and sporting events, etc. He gets six weeks off and since it’s a use or lose it situation, he uses all of it.

I don’t get all these bitter accusations that he is inevitably going to leave me high and dry. We’ve been happily married for 20 years and we have full financial transparency. My name is on all our accounts, he has a 2.5M life insurance policy, etc. I don’t know why posters in here assume we aren’t doing the necessary things to protect ourselves. Shrug.

This is what I think is weird with all the posts telling SAHMs that their husbands will inevitably cheat, leave them destitute, etc. You're a person who's been married for 20 years. I assume you dated this man for some time before you got married. What gives a stranger the idea that they know more about your ~ 22-25 year relationship than you do? It's the most bizarre thing. I think it's that type of thing that is really telling of their true animosity and that it points to jealousy as a motivation for spewing such unwarrented venom.

At least from what I've seen, many of the DCUM women posting about men cheating, etc. are doing it based on their own personal experiences. If their personal experience doesn't relate to you, I don't see why you care that someone said men sometimes cheat. That's why I differentiate between the gratuitously mean wealthy SAHMs on DCUM who tell poorer working moms that they aren't raising their kids. They are only doing it to be nasty, whereas a lot of the women who post about cheating men are doing it based on personal experience.

I've been both by the way. I dislike the nasty DCUM WOHMs, too, and if you saw my post history you would see a history of me telling them off too, but I think it's pretty blind to pretend there isn't an exceptionally nasty pack of wealthy SAHMs on DCUM whose sport in life seems to be tearing down average working women.

Which is a very strange thing fora SAHM to say. If her husband is working it means he isn't raising his kids but in her mind that's acceptable. "Good for me, not for thee"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about rich non-working women —come on.

The vast majority in the DMV have salaries that can’t support/justify the cost of childcare so they stay home. Period.

They aren’t living this glamorous life.

They're not the people who get everyone all riled up, though, and what makes these threads run on to 20 + pages of attacks and rhetoric like "useless leeches".

I've definitely seen wealthy SAHMs on DCUM tell poorer working women who have to work they aren't raising their kids.

I've definitely seen woh moms posting here telling sahms that their husbands are/will be cheating, leaving them destitute, they are slaves, etc. Many women on this board seriously can't wrap their minds around the fact that there are loving, devoted, faithful, committed men who have a sah partner.

Me too. I’m a SAHM of school aged kids - so the exact person all these women seem to hate - married to a fabulous partner. He makes a point of telling me how much he values what I do for the family (especially now with DL!). He is highly paid but has the flexibility that comes with a very senior role so even before the pandemic he was home in time for dinner, came to school and sporting events, etc. He gets six weeks off and since it’s a use or lose it situation, he uses all of it.

I don’t get all these bitter accusations that he is inevitably going to leave me high and dry. We’ve been happily married for 20 years and we have full financial transparency. My name is on all our accounts, he has a 2.5M life insurance policy, etc. I don’t know why posters in here assume we aren’t doing the necessary things to protect ourselves. Shrug.

This is what I think is weird with all the posts telling SAHMs that their husbands will inevitably cheat, leave them destitute, etc. You're a person who's been married for 20 years. I assume you dated this man for some time before you got married. What gives a stranger the idea that they know more about your ~ 22-25 year relationship than you do? It's the most bizarre thing. I think it's that type of thing that is really telling of their true animosity and that it points to jealousy as a motivation for spewing such unwarrented venom.

At least from what I've seen, many of the DCUM women posting about men cheating, etc. are doing it based on their own personal experiences. If their personal experience doesn't relate to you, I don't see why you care that someone said men sometimes cheat. That's why I differentiate between the gratuitously mean wealthy SAHMs on DCUM who tell poorer working moms that they aren't raising their kids. They are only doing it to be nasty, whereas a lot of the women who post about cheating men are doing it based on personal experience.

I've been both by the way. I dislike the nasty DCUM WOHMs, too, and if you saw my post history you would see a history of me telling them off too, but I think it's pretty blind to pretend there isn't an exceptionally nasty pack of wealthy SAHMs on DCUM whose sport in life seems to be tearing down average working women.

PP here. Personally I would never say something like this because, not only is it cruel, I don't think it's true. Like I said, I send my kids to school full time and I don't think the school is raising them. That's a silly thing to say and think. It's just so obviously not true. I stay home more for me than for them - because I like the relaxed pace of life it gives all of us.

But, I have to admit, it's weird for me to answer a question such as "would you SAHM in these circumstances" or "tell me about your decision to SAHM" and to have someone quote my explanation as to why it works for our family with "well good luck with that when your husband cheats on you and leaves your middle aged ass for his twenty something co-worker." Like, wow, why so nasty and mean? It's the lashing out in cruelty that I don't really understand. If you're happy with your choices, you don't typically experience so much anger at other people for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about rich non-working women —come on.

The vast majority in the DMV have salaries that can’t support/justify the cost of childcare so they stay home. Period.

They aren’t living this glamorous life.

They're not the people who get everyone all riled up, though, and what makes these threads run on to 20 + pages of attacks and rhetoric like "useless leeches".

I've definitely seen wealthy SAHMs on DCUM tell poorer working women who have to work they aren't raising their kids.

I've definitely seen woh moms posting here telling sahms that their husbands are/will be cheating, leaving them destitute, they are slaves, etc. Many women on this board seriously can't wrap their minds around the fact that there are loving, devoted, faithful, committed men who have a sah partner.

Me too. I’m a SAHM of school aged kids - so the exact person all these women seem to hate - married to a fabulous partner. He makes a point of telling me how much he values what I do for the family (especially now with DL!). He is highly paid but has the flexibility that comes with a very senior role so even before the pandemic he was home in time for dinner, came to school and sporting events, etc. He gets six weeks off and since it’s a use or lose it situation, he uses all of it.

I don’t get all these bitter accusations that he is inevitably going to leave me high and dry. We’ve been happily married for 20 years and we have full financial transparency. My name is on all our accounts, he has a 2.5M life insurance policy, etc. I don’t know why posters in here assume we aren’t doing the necessary things to protect ourselves. Shrug.

This is what I think is weird with all the posts telling SAHMs that their husbands will inevitably cheat, leave them destitute, etc. You're a person who's been married for 20 years. I assume you dated this man for some time before you got married. What gives a stranger the idea that they know more about your ~ 22-25 year relationship than you do? It's the most bizarre thing. I think it's that type of thing that is really telling of their true animosity and that it points to jealousy as a motivation for spewing such unwarrented venom.

At least from what I've seen, many of the DCUM women posting about men cheating, etc. are doing it based on their own personal experiences. If their personal experience doesn't relate to you, I don't see why you care that someone said men sometimes cheat. That's why I differentiate between the gratuitously mean wealthy SAHMs on DCUM who tell poorer working moms that they aren't raising their kids. They are only doing it to be nasty, whereas a lot of the women who post about cheating men are doing it based on personal experience.

I've been both by the way. I dislike the nasty DCUM WOHMs, too, and if you saw my post history you would see a history of me telling them off too, but I think it's pretty blind to pretend there isn't an exceptionally nasty pack of wealthy SAHMs on DCUM whose sport in life seems to be tearing down average working women.

Which is a very strange thing fora SAHM to say. If her husband is working it means he isn't raising his kids but in her mind that's acceptable. "Good for me, not for thee"

Yes, that is the logical conclusion, but it doesn't stop their lashing out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about rich non-working women —come on.

The vast majority in the DMV have salaries that can’t support/justify the cost of childcare so they stay home. Period.

They aren’t living this glamorous life.

They're not the people who get everyone all riled up, though, and what makes these threads run on to 20 + pages of attacks and rhetoric like "useless leeches".

I've definitely seen wealthy SAHMs on DCUM tell poorer working women who have to work they aren't raising their kids.

I've definitely seen woh moms posting here telling sahms that their husbands are/will be cheating, leaving them destitute, they are slaves, etc. Many women on this board seriously can't wrap their minds around the fact that there are loving, devoted, faithful, committed men who have a sah partner.

Me too. I’m a SAHM of school aged kids - so the exact person all these women seem to hate - married to a fabulous partner. He makes a point of telling me how much he values what I do for the family (especially now with DL!). He is highly paid but has the flexibility that comes with a very senior role so even before the pandemic he was home in time for dinner, came to school and sporting events, etc. He gets six weeks off and since it’s a use or lose it situation, he uses all of it.

I don’t get all these bitter accusations that he is inevitably going to leave me high and dry. We’ve been happily married for 20 years and we have full financial transparency. My name is on all our accounts, he has a 2.5M life insurance policy, etc. I don’t know why posters in here assume we aren’t doing the necessary things to protect ourselves. Shrug.

This is what I think is weird with all the posts telling SAHMs that their husbands will inevitably cheat, leave them destitute, etc. You're a person who's been married for 20 years. I assume you dated this man for some time before you got married. What gives a stranger the idea that they know more about your ~ 22-25 year relationship than you do? It's the most bizarre thing. I think it's that type of thing that is really telling of their true animosity and that it points to jealousy as a motivation for spewing such unwarrented venom.

At least from what I've seen, many of the DCUM women posting about men cheating, etc. are doing it based on their own personal experiences. If their personal experience doesn't relate to you, I don't see why you care that someone said men sometimes cheat. That's why I differentiate between the gratuitously mean wealthy SAHMs on DCUM who tell poorer working moms that they aren't raising their kids. They are only doing it to be nasty, whereas a lot of the women who post about cheating men are doing it based on personal experience.

I've been both by the way. I dislike the nasty DCUM WOHMs, too, and if you saw my post history you would see a history of me telling them off too, but I think it's pretty blind to pretend there isn't an exceptionally nasty pack of wealthy SAHMs on DCUM whose sport in life seems to be tearing down average working women.

Which is a very strange thing fora SAHM to say. If her husband is working it means he isn't raising his kids but in her mind that's acceptable. "Good for me, not for thee"

It's really rare to see this. It's more the nasty WOHMs telling the SAHMS they could never do it because they "need to use their brains" or they're not idiots like the SAHMs for trusting that their husbands won't cheat and leave them high and dry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about WAH?

It’s really the best of both worlds. I am here at home. I work when kids are in school. I have an incredibly flexible Fed job in my field. I have great health benefits, retirement and a GS-15 salary. I don’t need to work because my husband makes a high income, but I find it fulfilling and my parents did tell all of us to always keep a foot in the workplace. You never know what will happen in life. My mom worked and my mother-in-law worked and my dad was very involved in our lives and cooked dinners, coached teams, etc. My husband and I are proud of our mother’s careers. I think it sets a good example for my sons that both parents contribute equally at home and earn.

It really takes the pressure off from one spouse being solely financially responsible.

Hard to get such a job that actually earns money.

Not really. There are 1,000s if women at my agency GS14/15s making $150-200k.

They all have full time telework?

And GS15 tops out at $170 so how did you get to $200k?

My agency has bonuses. Quarterly and EOY based on production.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of this is also the “provider” narrative with some of the DCUM debates. That there is a competition of how good of a guy you have and how worthy you must have been to get that guy based on either how much of a provider or how involved he is in the family life and division of labor in the household. The law firm partner who also coaches their kids sports teams and you see at school events and his wife is a SAHM with help - I just think - well she has it like that. There are lots of debates that can be had about the “provider” mindset, what if that doesn’t work for the guy, does that make him a bad guy?is it okay for the woman to be the provider. Does having the man as the provider mindset hold woman back either themselves or others. I’ve heard of someone choosing not to get rid of a guy that wasn’t doing his job well because he had “a family to provide for” while not giving a promotion to a woman because they said they didn’t have enough money for the raise. Is it okay for the woman to be the provider? I feel like people are still feeling their way around these questions and define what makes a good spouse and what makes a good parent without some of the gender defines roles. Some of the SAHM vs WOHM debates are an extension of these things.

I'm not really getting your point here. All else being equal, who wouldn't rather have more money? Who wouldn't rather have their husband more involved with their children and family life? Granted, not everyone wants to be a SAHM. But the other things you point out, who wouldn't want that?Someone who makes a lot of money but still prioritizes your family life?

PP here. The subtext is that the women’s worth or value is being defined in context of her partner. Instead of the narrative being who wouldn’t want to be that person that makes a lot of money and still prioritizes the family, more value is sometimes placed on finding someone that can do that, not on being that person yourself. Are we raising our daughters with the idea that she can be that someone who makes a lot of money and prioritizes the family? Are we raising our sons with the idea that prioritizing the family (in terms of being involved in family life and household chores) is as important as making money? I will also add that although society has changed so more women work outside the home, I have to acknowledge that for my family, great grandmother was an immigrant from the Caribbean in the 1920’s on one side and ADOS (American Descendants of Slaves) in the south on the other, it was never this 1950’s Leave it to Beaver scenario where suddenly there was this choice about working or that marrying a provider was the default option for generations.

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Anonymous wrote:All this talk about rich non-working women —come on.

The vast majority in the DMV have salaries that can’t support/justify the cost of childcare so they stay home. Period.

They aren’t living this glamorous life.

They're not the people who get everyone all riled up, though, and what makes these threads run on to 20 + pages of attacks and rhetoric like "useless leeches".

I've definitely seen wealthy SAHMs on DCUM tell poorer working women who have to work they aren't raising their kids.

I've definitely seen woh moms posting here telling sahms that their husbands are/will be cheating, leaving them destitute, they are slaves, etc. Many women on this board seriously can't wrap their minds around the fact that there are loving, devoted, faithful, committed men who have a sah partner.

Me too. I’m a SAHM of school aged kids - so the exact person all these women seem to hate - married to a fabulous partner. He makes a point of telling me how much he values what I do for the family (especially now with DL!). He is highly paid but has the flexibility that comes with a very senior role so even before the pandemic he was home in time for dinner, came to school and sporting events, etc. He gets six weeks off and since it’s a use or lose it situation, he uses all of it.

I don’t get all these bitter accusations that he is inevitably going to leave me high and dry. We’ve been happily married for 20 years and we have full financial transparency. My name is on all our accounts, he has a 2.5M life insurance policy, etc. I don’t know why posters in here assume we aren’t doing the necessary things to protect ourselves. Shrug.

This is what I think is weird with all the posts telling SAHMs that their husbands will inevitably cheat, leave them destitute, etc. You're a person who's been married for 20 years. I assume you dated this man for some time before you got married. What gives a stranger the idea that they know more about your ~ 22-25 year relationship than you do? It's the most bizarre thing. I think it's that type of thing that is really telling of their true animosity and that it points to jealousy as a motivation for spewing such unwarrented venom.

At least from what I've seen, many of the DCUM women posting about men cheating, etc. are doing it based on their own personal experiences. If their personal experience doesn't relate to you, I don't see why you care that someone said men sometimes cheat. That's why I differentiate between the gratuitously mean wealthy SAHMs on DCUM who tell poorer working moms that they aren't raising their kids. They are only doing it to be nasty, whereas a lot of the women who post about cheating men are doing it based on personal experience.

I've been both by the way. I dislike the nasty DCUM WOHMs, too, and if you saw my post history you would see a history of me telling them off too, but I think it's pretty blind to pretend there isn't an exceptionally nasty pack of wealthy SAHMs on DCUM whose sport in life seems to be tearing down average working women.

Which is a very strange thing fora SAHM to say. If her husband is working it means he isn't raising his kids but in her mind that's acceptable. "Good for me, not for thee"

It's really rare to see this. It's more the nasty WOHMs telling the SAHMS they could never do it because they "need to use their brains" or they're not idiots like the SAHMs for trusting that their husbands won't cheat and leave them high and dry.

No, it's not rare. You are just blind to it because you are biased to one side. I have been both and I regularly tell nasty women on both "sides" to knock it off on DCUM (I also report their posts and usually they are deleted). The fact is there is a group of exceptionally nasty wealthy SAHMs in DCUM who compound their nastiness by painting themselves as DCUM "victims," which is laughable. (There is also a nasty group of WOHMs, to be clear.) I've reported about the same number of posts for deletion from both sides.

If you are pretending that SAHMs are somehow innocent, maligned victims on DCUM, you are part of the problem.