SAHM vs WOHM, why the strong feelings

[Anonymous]

^^^I should add that the problem is perpetuating, as it seems that more girls are raised to compete against other women for men then to break the system and succeed in the workplace. That’s the Queen Bee/mean girls phenomenon.

[Anonymous]

What about WAH?

It’s really the best of both worlds. I am here at home. I work when kids are in school. I have an incredibly flexible Fed job in my field. I have great health benefits, retirement and a GS-15 salary. I don’t need to work because my husband makes a high income, but I find it fulfilling and my parents did tell all of us to always keep a foot in the workplace. You never know what will happen in life. My mom worked and my mother-in-law worked and my dad was very involved in our lives and cooked dinners, coached teams, etc. My husband and I are proud of our mother’s careers. I think it sets a good example for my sons that both parents contribute equally at home and earn.

It really takes the pressure off from one spouse being solely financially responsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about WAH?

It’s really the best of both worlds. I am here at home. I work when kids are in school. I have an incredibly flexible Fed job in my field. I have great health benefits, retirement and a GS-15 salary. I don’t need to work because my husband makes a high income, but I find it fulfilling and my parents did tell all of us to always keep a foot in the workplace. You never know what will happen in life. My mom worked and my mother-in-law worked and my dad was very involved in our lives and cooked dinners, coached teams, etc. My husband and I are proud of our mother’s careers. I think it sets a good example for my sons that both parents contribute equally at home and earn.

It really takes the pressure off from one spouse being solely financially responsible.

Hard to get such a job that actually earns money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about WAH?

It’s really the best of both worlds. I am here at home. I work when kids are in school. I have an incredibly flexible Fed job in my field. I have great health benefits, retirement and a GS-15 salary. I don’t need to work because my husband makes a high income, but I find it fulfilling and my parents did tell all of us to always keep a foot in the workplace. You never know what will happen in life. My mom worked and my mother-in-law worked and my dad was very involved in our lives and cooked dinners, coached teams, etc. My husband and I are proud of our mother’s careers. I think it sets a good example for my sons that both parents contribute equally at home and earn.

It really takes the pressure off from one spouse being solely financially responsible.

How is this different than a regular set up other than alleviating your commute? I have a 10 minute walk to work anyway. And then it just means that the parent who works from home has to do all the laundry, cleaning and meal prep while also somehow doing their job.

I work PT and it's the best AND worst of both worlds. My job always creeps over the 25 hours/week, but because it's PT I also do all the home stuff between the hours of 8-6. It's overrated. What would be best is if both partners can work 30ish hours per week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about WAH?

It’s really the best of both worlds. I am here at home. I work when kids are in school. I have an incredibly flexible Fed job in my field. I have great health benefits, retirement and a GS-15 salary. I don’t need to work because my husband makes a high income, but I find it fulfilling and my parents did tell all of us to always keep a foot in the workplace. You never know what will happen in life. My mom worked and my mother-in-law worked and my dad was very involved in our lives and cooked dinners, coached teams, etc. My husband and I are proud of our mother’s careers. I think it sets a good example for my sons that both parents contribute equally at home and earn.

It really takes the pressure off from one spouse being solely financially responsible.

Hard to get such a job that actually earns money.

Not really. There are 1,000s if women at my agency GS14/15s making $150-200k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about WAH?

It’s really the best of both worlds. I am here at home. I work when kids are in school. I have an incredibly flexible Fed job in my field. I have great health benefits, retirement and a GS-15 salary. I don’t need to work because my husband makes a high income, but I find it fulfilling and my parents did tell all of us to always keep a foot in the workplace. You never know what will happen in life. My mom worked and my mother-in-law worked and my dad was very involved in our lives and cooked dinners, coached teams, etc. My husband and I are proud of our mother’s careers. I think it sets a good example for my sons that both parents contribute equally at home and earn.

It really takes the pressure off from one spouse being solely financially responsible.

Hard to get such a job that actually earns money.

Not really. There are 1,000s if women at my agency GS14/15s making $150-200k.

They all have full time telework?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a DC thing. I’m on the west coast and this competitive SAHM-WOHM dynamic between mothers doesn’t exist, that I’ve ever encountered. In fact, my DC friend referenced this dynamic ten years ago when I had my first baby, and I had no idea what she was talking about.

I'm not in DC anymore and given my experience in a different location, I absolutely agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about WAH?

It’s really the best of both worlds. I am here at home. I work when kids are in school. I have an incredibly flexible Fed job in my field. I have great health benefits, retirement and a GS-15 salary. I don’t need to work because my husband makes a high income, but I find it fulfilling and my parents did tell all of us to always keep a foot in the workplace. You never know what will happen in life. My mom worked and my mother-in-law worked and my dad was very involved in our lives and cooked dinners, coached teams, etc. My husband and I are proud of our mother’s careers. I think it sets a good example for my sons that both parents contribute equally at home and earn.

It really takes the pressure off from one spouse being solely financially responsible.

Hard to get such a job that actually earns money.

Not really. There are 1,000s if women at my agency GS14/15s making $150-200k.

They all have full time telework?

Yes. Since 2005.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree. I stayed home with my DC after she was born because I was a late-in-life mom and knew it was my one chance to really embrace motherhood in that way. I slowly re-entered the workforce and now I'm almost full time again, in the same industry but a much better position (lots of flexibility, and higher pay than I was making pre-baby). I'm super happy with my choices and don't understand the divide. I have mad respect for SAHMs because I know how hard they work and how isolating it can be, especially when people act like your work is dull or has no value. And I have mad respect for WOHM because that balance is so tough and you know we are still doing more than our fair share at home on top of our jobs.

I think a lot of the animus is misplaced anger at a system that screws women over either way, and the mistaken belief that we can beat the system if we just make all the right choices. We can't. We have to break the system. It wasn't designed for us.

I‘m a white woman but I think this is probably also how many African American people feel about their lives.

[Anonymous]

I just hear excuses. Finding a flexible job has not been a problem for any female in my immediate or extended family. Everyone is very involved in family life. Kids weren’t in aftercare, etc.

Think about your major and what you want out of life. You won’t get a job with certain majors. You already set yourself up for failure by what you choose to study without thinking of how it will translate into a career/job.

That is true no matter your gender.

[Anonymous]

IMO it's the money. People get really irritated at the SAHMs who are married to super high earning men (men who make in the high six figures to seven figures). These are the SAHMs who live in beautiful homes, take frequent luxurious vacations, and have household help so they do not appear especially frazzled or stressed. Especially if their husbands do not have super demanding jobs and can take time off for school events, etc.

People looove to ask them "what do you do all day" as if they don't know. Come on, you know. They do whatever they want! lol.

Every woman I have ever known wanted her own career and interests but she *also* wanted the option to not have to work if circumstances change. It's better to work because you want to, not because you have to. That's where the stress and pressure comes in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMO it's the money. People get really irritated at the SAHMs who are married to super high earning men (men who make in the high six figures to seven figures). These are the SAHMs who live in beautiful homes, take frequent luxurious vacations, and have household help so they do not appear especially frazzled or stressed. Especially if their husbands do not have super demanding jobs and can take time off for school events, etc.

People looove to ask them "what do you do all day" as if they don't know. Come on, you know. They do whatever they want! lol.

Every woman I have ever known wanted her own career and interests but she *also* wanted the option to not have to work if circumstances change. It's better to work because you want to, not because you have to. That's where the stress and pressure comes in.

+ 1

It's another way for some people to engage in class warfare. It's like all the "eat the rich" rhetoric which I find ridiculous. It's also ridiculous imo to attack rich people who use their money to get out of doing things they don't want to do, which is something that rich people have been doing since the beginning of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just hear excuses. Finding a flexible job has not been a problem for any female in my immediate or extended family. Everyone is very involved in family life. Kids weren’t in aftercare, etc.

Think about your major and what you want out of life. You won’t get a job with certain majors. You already set yourself up for failure by what you choose to study without thinking of how it will translate into a career/job.

That is true no matter your gender.

But many SAHMs don't WANT a flexible job - they want to be home with the kids. The question OP is posing is why the strong feelings about that choice (or vice versa when directed at WOHMs).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMO it's the money. People get really irritated at the SAHMs who are married to super high earning men (men who make in the high six figures to seven figures). These are the SAHMs who live in beautiful homes, take frequent luxurious vacations, and have household help so they do not appear especially frazzled or stressed. Especially if their husbands do not have super demanding jobs and can take time off for school events, etc.

People looove to ask them "what do you do all day" as if they don't know. Come on, you know. They do whatever they want! lol.

Every woman I have ever known wanted her own career and interests but she *also* wanted the option to not have to work if circumstances change. It's better to work because you want to, not because you have to. That's where the stress and pressure comes in.

That’s what you tell yourself for not being accomplished?

My spouse makes $750k. We have all of that and I also have a career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO it's the money. People get really irritated at the SAHMs who are married to super high earning men (men who make in the high six figures to seven figures). These are the SAHMs who live in beautiful homes, take frequent luxurious vacations, and have household help so they do not appear especially frazzled or stressed. Especially if their husbands do not have super demanding jobs and can take time off for school events, etc.

People looove to ask them "what do you do all day" as if they don't know. Come on, you know. They do whatever they want! lol.

Every woman I have ever known wanted her own career and interests but she *also* wanted the option to not have to work if circumstances change. It's better to work because you want to, not because you have to. That's where the stress and pressure comes in.

+ 1

It's another way for some people to engage in class warfare. It's like all the "eat the rich" rhetoric which I find ridiculous. It's also ridiculous imo to attack rich people who use their money to get out of doing things they don't want to do, which is something that rich people have been doing since the beginning of time.

+2. Agree it's a class warfare issue.