SAHM vs WOHM, why the strong feelings

[Anonymous]

I really don't get it. Right now I'm a stay at home mom because that is what is working for us right now. In a few years I would love to work part time (probably as a teacher).

I just don't get the need to form or take sides. I have friends who are doctors. Lawyers. Teachers. One doctor friend works 2 days a week and I consider her basically a sahm. My SAHM friends are just as smart and competent, but staying at home works better for them.

People and situations change over time. One day you might choose to stay at home for a year, or work for a while.

There's no one right way to do life or parenting. Some kids need a sah parent; most are just as happy in day care. Some husbands don't want to be involved in household decisions, others want to know what brand soap you use to wash dishes. Not everything needs to be either/ or.

[Anonymous]

Where’s my popcorn?

[Anonymous]

Op, oops, I should add and some husbands are involved in washing dishes - didn't mean to imply only women wash dishes. My point is different people have different needs.

[Anonymous]

This is a new and fresh subject.

[Anonymous]

If your DH wants to be a SAHD you won't have strong feelings? You're a more modern couple then we are.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree. I stayed home with my DC after she was born because I was a late-in-life mom and knew it was my one chance to really embrace motherhood in that way. I slowly re-entered the workforce and now I'm almost full time again, in the same industry but a much better position (lots of flexibility, and higher pay than I was making pre-baby). I'm super happy with my choices and don't understand the divide. I have mad respect for SAHMs because I know how hard they work and how isolating it can be, especially when people act like your work is dull or has no value. And I have mad respect for WOHM because that balance is so tough and you know we are still doing more than our fair share at home on top of our jobs.

I think a lot of the animus is misplaced anger at a system that screws women over either way, and the mistaken belief that we can beat the system if we just make all the right choices. We can't. We have to break the system. It wasn't designed for us.

[Anonymous]

I’m with you OP. I stayed home a year with my first, didn’t like it, work now. I don’t really get either side digging in. Neither is clearly better for kids.

[Anonymous]

No one:

Absolutely no one:

OP: But why is this such a war, am I the only decent person on the planet?!

[Anonymous]

Why?

Some people are mean.

Ingrained and systemic misogyny and sexism.

Wishful, magical thinking that turns into frustration at the world.

Myopic vision and an inability to empathize.

Bad marriages.

Anxiety disorders.

A deep fear for one's own kids that gets misplaced onto others rather than handled in a healthy manner.

An inability to stand up against sexism for whatever reason.

People who profit when men exclude women in the workplace.

People who profit when caregiving is not valued.

Etc.

Take your pick.

[Anonymous]

I am unsure of my decision and I need your choice that validate mine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the animus is misplaced anger at a system that screws women over either way, and the mistaken belief that we can beat the system if we just make all the right choices. We can't. We have to break the system. It wasn't designed for us.

Your last line is the crux of it.

Women feel that they are judged no matter which path they chose, to stay working the entire time they are raising their children or to step away from working for some time while they raise their children. Easy to see the stupid things that women say to each other about these things on the gazillion threads right here on DCUM.

And I agree with you, we have to make the system better for families of all types.

[Anonymous]

They both suck!

Work from home (WAH) is the best .

The arguments they use against each other don’t apply to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree. I stayed home with my DC after she was born because I was a late-in-life mom and knew it was my one chance to really embrace motherhood in that way. I slowly re-entered the workforce and now I'm almost full time again, in the same industry but a much better position (lots of flexibility, and higher pay than I was making pre-baby). I'm super happy with my choices and don't understand the divide. I have mad respect for SAHMs because I know how hard they work and how isolating it can be, especially when people act like your work is dull or has no value. And I have mad respect for WOHM because that balance is so tough and you know we are still doing more than our fair share at home on top of our jobs.

I think a lot of the animus is misplaced anger at a system that screws women over either way, and the mistaken belief that we can beat the system if we just make all the right choices. We can't. We have to break the system. It wasn't designed for us.

Your last observation may be right, but you just congratulated yourself for making the “right choices.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why?

Some people are mean.

Ingrained and systemic misogyny and sexism.

Wishful, magical thinking that turns into frustration at the world.

Myopic vision and an inability to empathize.

Bad marriages.

Anxiety disorders.

A deep fear for one's own kids that gets misplaced onto others rather than handled in a healthy manner.

An inability to stand up against sexism for whatever reason.

People who profit when men exclude women in the workplace.

People who profit when caregiving is not valued.

Etc.

Take your pick.

+1

[Anonymous]

Blah blah blah.