SAHM vs WOHM, why the strong feelings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO it's the money. People get really irritated at the SAHMs who are married to super high earning men (men who make in the high six figures to seven figures). These are the SAHMs who live in beautiful homes, take frequent luxurious vacations, and have household help so they do not appear especially frazzled or stressed. Especially if their husbands do not have super demanding jobs and can take time off for school events, etc.

People looove to ask them "what do you do all day" as if they don't know. Come on, you know. They do whatever they want! lol.

Every woman I have ever known wanted her own career and interests but she *also* wanted the option to not have to work if circumstances change. It's better to work because you want to, not because you have to. That's where the stress and pressure comes in.

That’s what you tell yourself for not being accomplished?

My spouse makes $750k. We have all of that and I also have a career.

DP but this is a perfect example. You don't know PP but declare that she isn't accomplished. You have no idea what her background is!

[Anonymous]

The truth is, many (most?) people don't want to have to work for a living, men and women. Let's be real, the vast vast majority of people work because they need the money, not because they're working on their passion project which they would do for free, if they had to. That's just the reality of the situation.

Then you add in the fact that some women, who happen to be married to rich men, have a socially acceptable excuse not to work.

Other people see this and hate it. It drives them crazy and they try to attack the socially acceptable part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO it's the money. People get really irritated at the SAHMs who are married to super high earning men (men who make in the high six figures to seven figures). These are the SAHMs who live in beautiful homes, take frequent luxurious vacations, and have household help so they do not appear especially frazzled or stressed. Especially if their husbands do not have super demanding jobs and can take time off for school events, etc.

People looove to ask them "what do you do all day" as if they don't know. Come on, you know. They do whatever they want! lol.

Every woman I have ever known wanted her own career and interests but she *also* wanted the option to not have to work if circumstances change. It's better to work because you want to, not because you have to. That's where the stress and pressure comes in.

That’s what you tell yourself for not being accomplished?

My spouse makes $750k. We have all of that and I also have a career.

LOL you're exactly who I'm talking about! You sound so small minded and petty. Do you realize that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO it's the money. People get really irritated at the SAHMs who are married to super high earning men (men who make in the high six figures to seven figures). These are the SAHMs who live in beautiful homes, take frequent luxurious vacations, and have household help so they do not appear especially frazzled or stressed. Especially if their husbands do not have super demanding jobs and can take time off for school events, etc.

People looove to ask them "what do you do all day" as if they don't know. Come on, you know. They do whatever they want! lol.

Every woman I have ever known wanted her own career and interests but she *also* wanted the option to not have to work if circumstances change. It's better to work because you want to, not because you have to. That's where the stress and pressure comes in.

+ 1

It's another way for some people to engage in class warfare. It's like all the "eat the rich" rhetoric which I find ridiculous. It's also ridiculous imo to attack rich people who use their money to get out of doing things they don't want to do, which is something that rich people have been doing since the beginning of time.

THIS exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just hear excuses. Finding a flexible job has not been a problem for any female in my immediate or extended family. Everyone is very involved in family life. Kids weren’t in aftercare, etc.

Think about your major and what you want out of life. You won’t get a job with certain majors. You already set yourself up for failure by what you choose to study without thinking of how it will translate into a career/job.

That is true no matter your gender.

But many SAHMs don't WANT a flexible job - they want to be home with the kids. The question OP is posing is why the strong feelings about that choice (or vice versa when directed at WOHMs).

+ 1

What is so hard to understand about this?

[Anonymous]

All this talk about rich non-working women —come on.

The vast majority in the DMV have salaries that can’t support/justify the cost of childcare so they stay home. Period.

They aren’t living this glamorous life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about rich non-working women —come on.

The vast majority in the DMV have salaries that can’t support/justify the cost of childcare so they stay home. Period.

They aren’t living this glamorous life.

They're not the people who get everyone all riled up, though, and what makes these threads run on to 20 + pages of attacks and rhetoric like "useless leeches".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about rich non-working women —come on.

The vast majority in the DMV have salaries that can’t support/justify the cost of childcare so they stay home. Period.

They aren’t living this glamorous life.

No one cares about them because they're not interesting. They care about the blonde mom, who kept her figure, who is driving around in her Range Rover on her way to Pilates after having dropped off her 3-4 kids at a Big Three private.

She's the one they can't stand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a DC thing. I’m on the west coast and this competitive SAHM-WOHM dynamic between mothers doesn’t exist, that I’ve ever encountered. In fact, my DC friend referenced this dynamic ten years ago when I had my first baby, and I had no idea what she was talking about.

I'm not in DC anymore and given my experience in a different location, I absolutely agree with this.

Ditto here in the tri state area. Lots of SAHMs, lots of working moms, no one gets into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about rich non-working women —come on.

The vast majority in the DMV have salaries that can’t support/justify the cost of childcare so they stay home. Period.

They aren’t living this glamorous life.

No one cares about them because they're not interesting. They care about the blonde mom, who kept her figure, who is driving around in her Range Rover on her way to Pilates after having dropped off her 3-4 kids at a Big Three private.

She's the one they can't stand.

haha yeah it's this

[Anonymous]

Boring topic. let's close this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree. I stayed home with my DC after she was born because I was a late-in-life mom and knew it was my one chance to really embrace motherhood in that way. I slowly re-entered the workforce and now I'm almost full time again, in the same industry but a much better position (lots of flexibility, and higher pay than I was making pre-baby). I'm super happy with my choices and don't understand the divide. I have mad respect for SAHMs because I know how hard they work and how isolating it can be, especially when people act like your work is dull or has no value. And I have mad respect for WOHM because that balance is so tough and you know we are still doing more than our fair share at home on top of our jobs.

I think a lot of the animus is misplaced anger at a system that screws women over either way, and the mistaken belief that we can beat the system if we just make all the right choices. We can't. We have to break the system. It wasn't designed for us.

Your last observation may be right, but you just congratulated yourself for making the “right choices.”

Also, doing nothing to "break the system."

FWIW, I agree with the last point. Mothers are subject to tons of judgment, and are blamed when anything goes wrong with their kid. We're sold an idea that a kid is a premium sports car and our job is to fine-tune its performance, and anything less than optimal is a failure. But no one really knows what "optimal" is, and frankly, all the evidence is that kids who receive the basics will be just fine. The human brain isn't that finicky.

But the pressure on women to be perfect mothers is intense. So they feel the need to justify and defend their choices. And if you aren't feeling secure in those choices, if you're not sure you made the "best" choice but you think there is a best choice, you might deal with that by overselling your choice to yourself and denigrating others. Or you might see someone who made a different choice as you as a threat -- if your choice is the best, why doesn't everyone do it?

And some people do buy in to the Mommy War crap -- it only takes a few times of hearing someone ask why you bothered to get a college degree if you weren't going to work, or to wonder how you can stand to let strangers raise your kids, and you can end up pretty bristly.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people don’t really have a choice and would prefer to be doing the opposite of what they are doing.

I am also a doctor who works two days a week, and I have no strong feelings either way. (Well, I’m a psychiatrist and I do have pretty strong feelings that quality childcare should be subsidized and available to all children). However, I had my first child during residency while I was working 50-60+ hours/week, and I couldn’t really quit without a huge sacrifice to my career. I had a lot of strong feelings about SAHMs at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about rich non-working women —come on.

The vast majority in the DMV have salaries that can’t support/justify the cost of childcare so they stay home. Period.

They aren’t living this glamorous life.

No one cares about them because they're not interesting. They care about the blonde mom, who kept her figure, who is driving around in her Range Rover on her way to Pilates after having dropped off her 3-4 kids at a Big Three private.

She's the one they can't stand.

haha yeah it's this

Since this is the stereotype that gets people going, at least on this site, I don't know how people can deny that what really upsets them is the money and the breeziness that this kind of woman displays. They're upset that she doesn't feel compelled to work and doesn't have to for the money.

[Anonymous]

If you're upset by SAHMs I'd hate to introduce you to some of my Stay At Home Wife peers. No they don't plan on kids, and even the SAHMs ask them what they do all day (and the answer always is "Whatever I want, even if it means we fly to Greece just for a better tan"). That gets women super ragey.