SAHM vs WOHM, why the strong feelings

[Anonymous]

I saw my mother sacrifice her career for ten years when my sisters and I were little and she never regained her footing. My dad left her and remarried a professional woman, younger woman, and my mom had nothing to call her own. My sisters and I went away to college and left her. Funny thing is - my mom was the parent with the very high IQ.

I get scared for my friends when they say they want to SAH. My issues entirely, I know, but it’s a deep feeling of fear and dread for them.

[Anonymous]

Both my in-laws and my parents pressured me to make a decision that wasn't the one I wanted to make. I find that annoying. Apart from that, I don't really care, and I'm not judging the women I know in real life who made different decisions.

[Anonymous]

I do think there’s a lot to be said about ingrained misogyny in women. At 40, I am just now dismantling my own. I realize my lifelong desire to be good at sports, enjoying male companionship more than female, criticism of girlie things, and so forth stems from self hatred and feelings of worthlessness as a female that were ingrained in me by society from a young age. It was like a god damned epiphany when Clinton lost and it came down on me like the weight of a mountain that, yes, society really does think women are worthless. So worthless, in fact, that we elected a rapist over an intelligent, qualified woman. We are up in arms about racism (as we should be), over people getting killed by police. How many women are killed by men annually? Sexism is as constant and pernicious as racism... yet, yet... here we are. Most of us women hold so many sexist beliefs. Including the one that says we’re at war with each other.

Boys are expected to find “girl things” lame and are generally shamed for being into them. Girls are applauded by boys and men and women for being into “boy things”. (Never mind that the labeling is all wrong for so many of the things.) This expands into women thinking that “non career women”, even for a few years, are lame. That women who aren’t playing the man’s game are less than and weak.

It is all such a convenient way for us to nitpick the insignificant things and remain blind to how the entire system is set up to screw us out of our human rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree. I stayed home with my DC after she was born because I was a late-in-life mom and knew it was my one chance to really embrace motherhood in that way. I slowly re-entered the workforce and now I'm almost full time again, in the same industry but a much better position (lots of flexibility, and higher pay than I was making pre-baby). I'm super happy with my choices and don't understand the divide. I have mad respect for SAHMs because I know how hard they work and how isolating it can be, especially when people act like your work is dull or has no value. And I have mad respect for WOHM because that balance is so tough and you know we are still doing more than our fair share at home on top of our jobs.

I think a lot of the animus is misplaced anger at a system that screws women over either way, and the mistaken belief that we can beat the system if we just make all the right choices. We can't. We have to break the system. It wasn't designed for us.

Your last observation may be right, but you just congratulated yourself for making the “right choices.”

No, I said I was happy with my choices because they were right for me. Huge difference. When I decided to stay home with my baby, at first I did feel judged by my friends, most of whom went back to work a lot sooner. Even some of my friends who took time off were surprised when I continued to stay home after the first year. But I had to take a step back and ask what I really wanted, and the truth was that I had realized this was probably my only baby and I wanted more time with her. And I was fortunate to be able to find a way to make that work financially. But that choice was 100% specific to my situation and personality. It wasn't a "right" choice. It was just mine.

I also was unhappy in my job when I had my baby and my extended time as a SAHM gave me a reset that helped me move in a better career direction. Again, that was so specific to my situation, and is not universal. I would never tell another mom "You should take 2.5 years off because that's what I did and it worked out great!" That's not how it works.

There are no right choices. You can only do your best with what you are given. I was fortunate in some ways (financially stable) and less fortunate in others (no time for more than one kid, very challenging pregnancy and postpartum period in part due to age and fertility issues). I did my best. That's all anyone can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your DH wants to be a SAHD you won't have strong feelings? You're a more modern couple then we are.

Op here. I have long told my husband that if he really wants to be a sahd or even just cut back he just needs to give me a year or two minimum warning so I can go to school/ figure out what I can do to earn money. I already have a bachelor's and graduate coursework in a stem field. I wouldn't earn as much as he does but I'm sure he'd do a good job.

We have decided to have more kids and myself as a sahp for now. I am open to that changing and don't ever want him to feel trapped at work.

[Anonymous]

I blame the men because they perpetuate a feeling that whatever a woman is doing is not good enough so it breeds this competition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH wants to be a SAHD you won't have strong feelings? You're a more modern couple then we are.

Op here. I have long told my husband that if he really wants to be a sahd or even just cut back he just needs to give me a year or two minimum warning so I can go to school/ figure out what I can do to earn money. I already have a bachelor's and graduate coursework in a stem field. I wouldn't earn as much as he does but I'm sure he'd do a good job.

We have decided to have more kids and myself as a sahp for now. I am open to that changing and don't ever want him to feel trapped at work.

I have heard many women say this over the years, but I have never once seen it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am unsure of my decision and I need your choice that validate mine

Yuuuuuuuuup. I wish women on both sides of this dumb divide would realize that the more militant you are about whatever your opinion is, the more obvious it is that you are overcompensating for something. Whenever I meet someone who has strong feelings about this, I assume they have some personal shit going and back away slowly.

Or I assume they are still several years out from having kids. It is hilarious when people who don't have kids have really strong attitudes against either WOHMs or SAHMs. They know nothing. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. It's cute.

[Anonymous]

It’s a DC thing. I’m on the west coast and this competitive SAHM-WOHM dynamic between mothers doesn’t exist, that I’ve ever encountered. In fact, my DC friend referenced this dynamic ten years ago when I had my first baby, and I had no idea what she was talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I saw my mother sacrifice her career for ten years when my sisters and I were little and she never regained her footing. My dad left her and remarried a professional woman, younger woman, and my mom had nothing to call her own. My sisters and I went away to college and left her. Funny thing is - my mom was the parent with the very high IQ.

I get scared for my friends when they say they want to SAH. My issues entirely, I know, but it’s a deep feeling of fear and dread for them.

Childhood experiences or trauma often drive decisions, so this isn’t surprising in your situation. Of course, many others had entirely different experiences that are driving their choices.

[Anonymous]

As a father of two married daughters I’ve always encouraged them to do what they feel is best for them and their families. But, I do worry about the financial consequences of SAH and then getting divorced and not having a solid income cushion to rely on. But they are well educated and need to make their own decisions. One daughter is a SAH mom and it is the right decision for her and we have a big enough financial cushion that she would never need to worry so I don’t worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I saw my mother sacrifice her career for ten years when my sisters and I were little and she never regained her footing. My dad left her and remarried a professional woman, younger woman, and my mom had nothing to call her own. My sisters and I went away to college and left her. Funny thing is - my mom was the parent with the very high IQ.

I get scared for my friends when they say they want to SAH. My issues entirely, I know, but it’s a deep feeling of fear and dread for them.

Childhood experiences or trauma often drive decisions, so this isn’t surprising in your situation. Of course, many others had entirely different experiences that are driving their choices.

Yup. My father couldn't hold a stable job and my mother really resented working. I wanted to marry a stable guy and, while I'm willing to work and plan to work one day, am very happy as sahm.

[Anonymous]

I don't think one is better than the other, I don't care what people choose to do with their lives however when a woman says she will be a SAHM I do have a tinge of worry.

The negativity comes from seeing women being screwed over by staying at home and then being left near penniless when the divorce comes. That's why I'm a big believer on women working so they have options, they have money, they have assets. For years when women couldn't work they were forced to stay in abusive situations, that isn't the case now however a woman could easily fall into this situation.

In a loving stable household having a SAHP is a wonderful thing but it's the uncertainty down the track that worries me which is really about a failure in the system rather than a failure of women.

[Anonymous]

Don’t forget, the law didn’t treat women as independent adults - capable of holding a job in any field, having a mortgage and credit card in her own name, etc. - until 40-50 years ago. That’s during my lifetime, as a 51 year old woman. As some else said, the system still hasn’t been broken since then. Women either compete against men in the workplace (often expected to act like men, and being judged more harshly even when they do, having to jump through many more hoops to get the same thing, and being block from the best position) or they compete against other women for men to support them. Is is a no win situation, even when we feel like we have a good amount of autonomy over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a DC thing. I’m on the west coast and this competitive SAHM-WOHM dynamic between mothers doesn’t exist, that I’ve ever encountered. In fact, my DC friend referenced this dynamic ten years ago when I had my first baby, and I had no idea what she was talking about.

No, it isn't. Firsthand experience in two Mudwestern states different states.