Flame Me: I don't think affairs are generally a big deal

[Anonymous]

I agree but with so many caveats that I'm not sure it's an agreement, after all

Most affairs are no big deal, only if both spouses love each other and really do prioritize the other, in the sense that they care for each other in sickness and in health and financially too. In that scenario, an affair on the side might be overlooked.

The problem is that it can all go downhill very quickly...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I agree but with so many caveats that I'm not sure it's an agreement, after all

Most affairs are no big deal, only if both spouses love each other and really do prioritize the other, in the sense that they care for each other in sickness and in health and financially too. In that scenario, an affair on the side might be overlooked.

The problem is that it can all go downhill very quickly...

What if the one having the affair contributes nothing financially, and never has?

Also I’m sickness? Does that include the STIs they unwittingly expose to their unknowing spouses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I would always be tempted to bring it up in a fight.

Him: “You were supposed do the dishes last night and you didn’t.”
Me: “Well, you were supposed to remain faithful in our marriage, and you didn’t.”

Or this:

Him: “It’s your turn to do the dishes tonight.”
Me: “Remember that night that I made your favorite dinner, but you didn’t come home to eat it because you said you were working late, but you were really screwing some other woman? I think I did the dishes that night. I also think I put the kids to bed that night too. So, I’m pretty sure that makes it your turn.”

I don’t know. Even if he really felt awful about it and worked hard to change, I’m not sure I could be a mature enough person to move past it.

Do you really think it's maturity that gets you past an affair? Affairs ruin marriages, full stop. Without trust and respect, you have a sham marriage.

I think that maturity gets you past the resentment so that you can start building a normal relationship again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of shit goes down in long-term relationship - fights, make-ups, ugly name calling, an occasional screaming match, etc. - and both partners will have periods of "going through something" in marriage.

But you kind of have to draw the line somewhere don't you?

If sticking his dick in someone is how your husband handles problems in his life, you could probably find a better human to be married to...

Or in my case: wife being a c@m dispenser to deal with her boredom and self-loathing

[Anonymous]

Rape has existed for as long as we have Been on earth. Kings rape , janitors and wallmart workers rape. The best of us and the worst of us have raped. My husband recently raped someone and you know what surprised me more than any other emotion that came up at the time?

It wasn't about me. He was going through something and acting out by the way of raping was his maladjusted way of dealing with his demons. Of course the thought of it hurts me. But he is back and in the marriage. I know he never stopped loving me and I am it for him.

I imagine its true for situations surrounding many rapes

I stayed. It is not a popular decision. People think it has something to do with my lack of respect for myself. Maybe? But I think I genuinely don't think his poor choices reflect on me. We are working it out.

Is it not possible to entertain the thought that our preoccupation with having extreme standards of never raping ...unrealistic?

We are imperfect after all.

[Anonymous]

^^^ lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I would always be tempted to bring it up in a fight.

Him: “You were supposed do the dishes last night and you didn’t.”
Me: “Well, you were supposed to remain faithful in our marriage, and you didn’t.”

Or this:

Him: “It’s your turn to do the dishes tonight.”
Me: “Remember that night that I made your favorite dinner, but you didn’t come home to eat it because you said you were working late, but you were really screwing some other woman? I think I did the dishes that night. I also think I put the kids to bed that night too. So, I’m pretty sure that makes it your turn.”

I don’t know. Even if he really felt awful about it and worked hard to change, I’m not sure I could be a mature enough person to move past it.

Haha! I think about this a lot. I compartmentalize very naturally and I think I would be fine mentally if my DH cheated. But I would literally never be able to take his feelings seriously anymore. It would end in divorce either way, because after you’ve stuck your d*** inside another woman then...I mean what can you criticize me about? I guess I would check out and that would end the marriage anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I would always be tempted to bring it up in a fight.

Him: “You were supposed do the dishes last night and you didn’t.”
Me: “Well, you were supposed to remain faithful in our marriage, and you didn’t.”

Or this:

Him: “It’s your turn to do the dishes tonight.”
Me: “Remember that night that I made your favorite dinner, but you didn’t come home to eat it because you said you were working late, but you were really screwing some other woman? I think I did the dishes that night. I also think I put the kids to bed that night too. So, I’m pretty sure that makes it your turn.”

I don’t know. Even if he really felt awful about it and worked hard to change, I’m not sure I could be a mature enough person to move past it.

Haha! I think about this a lot. I compartmentalize very naturally and I think I would be fine mentally if my DH cheated. But I would literally never be able to take his feelings seriously anymore. It would end in divorce either way, because after you’ve stuck your d*** inside another woman then...I mean what can you criticize me about? I guess I would check out and that would end the marriage anyway.

That’s where I am. It’s literally a moment of I can literally do (or not do anything I want) because you repeatedly stuck your d@ck in some whore.

I haven’t cooked a meal, cleaned, gone grocery shopping, scheduled things for kids/house in 6 months. For 22 years I did 90% of that and worked full time. He’s doing it all now. It’s freeing. I just don’t give a f@ck anymore. He is highly repentant and kisses my @ss.

I think you literally now have the upper hand the rest of the marriage ..because really what can I do that’s worse? I now spend whatever the f@ck I want too.

[Anonymous]

^ I’m thinking of writing the whore a thank you note.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a 2013 article in The Guardian, Tim Lott, a British author suggested that people are maybe “over” adultery in their real – as opposed to cultural – lives. He suggests that because adultery still happens regularly enough on television, and in drama and literature, it is rarely the central trope of a single piece of artistic endeavor. I wonder how many people share his view. Maybe not for the same reasons but because the nitty gritty destruction that adultery creates is continuously obscured.

I am convinced that adultery destroys everyone involved in one way or another. I know my own devastation as the betrayed spouse and I am watching in a ring side seat the devastation that it has wrought upon my husband, even three years post D-day. Betraying me was one thing but ultimately he betrayed himself. He wants to be honest and sincere but his idea of himself and his reality do not meet. This is a bit of a psychological unraveling.

How can the correct messages about adultery be transmitted? Ashley Madison’s trite message that life is short, so have an affair, sums up casually the totally naive and cavalier attitude that drip feeds the fantasy rather than the misery of adultery. The truth is, adultery can and does lead to murder.

Holy melodramatic, Batman!

[Anonymous]

It might not be a big deal to you. My dad's cheating wasn't a big deal to my mom for all the reasons you listed.

It was a big deal for her daughters, so something to consider if you have kids.

[Anonymous]

Okay. Get tested for STDs regularly I guess.

[Anonymous]

And you get to decide that for you and your marriage. It is and was a big deal to me and I divorced. Life is too short to be worried about if my husband is lying about where he is going, what he is doing, who he is doing it with. F that noise.

[Anonymous]

How can he respect you?

Now it will be game on.

Won’t you always wonder if he is where he says he is? Worry when there is a new co-worker or neighbor?

I could never live that way. But if you are being honest with yourself (not just suppressing your needs and feelings), then you two might be well suited to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of shit goes down in long-term relationship - fights, make-ups, ugly name calling, an occasional screaming match, etc. - and both partners will have periods of "going through something" in marriage.

But you kind of have to draw the line somewhere don't you?

If sticking his dick in someone is how your husband handles problems in his life, you could probably find a better human to be married to...

Or in my case: wife being a c@m dispenser to deal with her boredom and self-loathing

The word you want is receptacle. Unless she has a penis, too.