Flame Me: I don't think affairs are generally a big deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I would always be tempted to bring it up in a fight.

Him: “You were supposed do the dishes last night and you didn’t.”
Me: “Well, you were supposed to remain faithful in our marriage, and you didn’t.”

Or this:

Him: “It’s your turn to do the dishes tonight.”
Me: “Remember that night that I made your favorite dinner, but you didn’t come home to eat it because you said you were working late, but you were really screwing some other woman? I think I did the dishes that night. I also think I put the kids to bed that night too. So, I’m pretty sure that makes it your turn.”

I don’t know. Even if he really felt awful about it and worked hard to change, I’m not sure I could be a mature enough person to move past it.

Haha! I think about this a lot. I compartmentalize very naturally and I think I would be fine mentally if my DH cheated. But I would literally never be able to take his feelings seriously anymore. It would end in divorce either way, because after you’ve stuck your d*** inside another woman then...I mean what can you criticize me about? I guess I would check out and that would end the marriage anyway.

That’s where I am. It’s literally a moment of I can literally do (or not do anything I want) because you repeatedly stuck your d@ck in some whore.

I haven’t cooked a meal, cleaned, gone grocery shopping, scheduled things for kids/house in 6 months. For 22 years I did 90% of that and worked full time. He’s doing it all now. It’s freeing. I just don’t give a f@ck anymore. He is highly repentant and kisses my @ss.

I think you literally now have the upper hand the rest of the marriage ..because really what can I do that’s worse? I now spend whatever the f@ck I want too.

But you don’t sound free or happy, You sound broken & bitter. I feel very badly for any children living in that household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of shit goes down in long-term relationship - fights, make-ups, ugly name calling, an occasional screaming match, etc. - and both partners will have periods of "going through something" in marriage.

But you kind of have to draw the line somewhere don't you?

If sticking his dick in someone is how your husband handles problems in his life, you could probably find a better human to be married to...

Or in my case: wife being a c@m dispenser to deal with her boredom and self-loathing

The word you want is receptacle. Unless she has a penis, too.

Ha. Thanks for the catch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of shit goes down in long-term relationship - fights, make-ups, ugly name calling, an occasional screaming match, etc. - and both partners will have periods of "going through something" in marriage.

But you kind of have to draw the line somewhere don't you?

If sticking his dick in someone is how your husband handles problems in his life, you could probably find a better human to be married to...

Or in my case: wife being a c@m dispenser to deal with her boredom and self-loathing

The word you want is receptacle. Unless she has a penis, too.

Ha. Thanks for the catch!

Well- she’s 50 so I don’t have to worry about her trying to pass some pregnancy off as my fault. I’m done. Elvis has left the building and he’s not paying alimony either...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Living a "pretty sexless life" is a decision that sex is unimportant. Given that, it can be no big deal when he does that unimportant thing elsewhere.
You ought not be surprised at all. In fact you should expect it and be grateful that his affair is avoiding the divorce you haven't filed / don't want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I would always be tempted to bring it up in a fight.

Him: “You were supposed do the dishes last night and you didn’t.”
Me: “Well, you were supposed to remain faithful in our marriage, and you didn’t.”

Or this:

Him: “It’s your turn to do the dishes tonight.”
Me: “Remember that night that I made your favorite dinner, but you didn’t come home to eat it because you said you were working late, but you were really screwing some other woman? I think I did the dishes that night. I also think I put the kids to bed that night too. So, I’m pretty sure that makes it your turn.”

I don’t know. Even if he really felt awful about it and worked hard to change, I’m not sure I could be a mature enough person to move past it.

Haha! I think about this a lot. I compartmentalize very naturally and I think I would be fine mentally if my DH cheated. But I would literally never be able to take his feelings seriously anymore. It would end in divorce either way, because after you’ve stuck your d*** inside another woman then...I mean what can you criticize me about? I guess I would check out and that would end the marriage anyway.

That’s where I am. It’s literally a moment of I can literally do (or not do anything I want) because you repeatedly stuck your d@ck in some whore.

I haven’t cooked a meal, cleaned, gone grocery shopping, scheduled things for kids/house in 6 months. For 22 years I did 90% of that and worked full time. He’s doing it all now. It’s freeing. I just don’t give a f@ck anymore. He is highly repentant and kisses my @ss.

I think you literally now have the upper hand the rest of the marriage ..because really what can I do that’s worse? I now spend whatever the f@ck I want too.

But you don’t sound free or happy, You sound broken & bitter. I feel very badly for any children living in that household.

Right. That wasn’t the OP, that was another poster married for 22 years who said that she was severely traumatized, took time off work, and is having nightmares. Keep up.

[Anonymous]

I stayed the first time too, then he left a couple years later for the same whore. I learned later that he lied throughout most of our marriage. Gaslit me the whole way through. Do you have children? I do. So post again after he leaves for his affair partner and effs up your children lives by introducing his "new family" to them a couple months later. Then watch your children go from honor roll students to barely passing and losing all interest in sports and other activities they've always enjoyed because their father barely comes around. And by barely I mean, he hasn't seen them in 6 months and only saw them for 4 months last year.

Affairs aren't a big deal? Please. You can be the best mother in the world, but they still feel the loss of their father and there's nothing you can do to make them feel better about that loss. Counseling/therapy is not the magic bullet we all like to believe. Been there, done that many times with them. When children are involved affairs not only affect them emotionally but it can totally negatively shape how they view relationships. I am now a single parent raising children on my own as he skips off into the sunset and forgets they exist. You're free to forgive your cheating spouse, but to try to normalize affairs by saying kings and queens did it is just stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Oh no, no, no. You don't get to twist this around and go off on a different tangent. Change the title of your thread to - "DH with mental illness and hard life had affair but I am ok with it because of my own issues" if you want to vent and have sympathetic audience.

The marriage vows do say - ...for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part...etc.

A lot of people don't use the traditional marriage vows anymore. Almost no one whose wedding I went to did--we wrote our own. None of us are religious at all, though.

It is nothing to do with religion. A marriage is a bond based on trust. Even if you don't take vows the fact that you are getting married means that a certain societal, human and legal norms will be followed as far as fidelity is concerned. If you don't want to be monogamous you can divorce or not get married or have an open marriage. It is not rocket science. Animals don't have a marriage to produce children.

I didn’t get married to produce children. Also, people are animals, I assume you are aware of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of shit goes down in long-term relationship - fights, make-ups, ugly name calling, an occasional screaming match, etc. - and both partners will have periods of "going through something" in marriage.

But you kind of have to draw the line somewhere don't you?

If sticking his dick in someone is how your husband handles problems in his life, you could probably find a better human to be married to...

Or in my case: wife being a c@m dispenser to deal with her boredom and self-loathing

I think you mean “receptacle” not “dispenser”? Intelligence isn’t your strong point, is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find people that never truly loved their spouse and 'settled' tend not to get emotional or care. They are there for the convenience and it's why they settled in the first place.

Those that had a deep passionate love and trust, it is crushing.

You’re not a kind person. Not surprised you got cheated on a lot. Ouch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed the first time too, then he left a couple years later for the same whore. I learned later that he lied throughout most of our marriage. Gaslit me the whole way through. Do you have children? I do. So post again after he leaves for his affair partner and effs up your children lives by introducing his "new family" to them a couple months later. Then watch your children go from honor roll students to barely passing and losing all interest in sports and other activities they've always enjoyed because their father barely comes around. And by barely I mean, he hasn't seen them in 6 months and only saw them for 4 months last year.

Affairs aren't a big deal? Please. You can be the best mother in the world, but they still feel the loss of their father and there's nothing you can do to make them feel better about that loss. Counseling/therapy is not the magic bullet we all like to believe. Been there, done that many times with them. When children are involved affairs not only affect them emotionally but it can totally negatively shape how they view relationships. I am now a single parent raising children on my own as he skips off into the sunset and forgets they exist. You're free to forgive your cheating spouse, but to try to normalize affairs by saying kings and queens did it is just stupid.

100% this.

My spouse and spouse’s brother profoundly messed up because of a parent’s cheating and leaving the family. He was 10.

People are clueless. I’m sorry your husband turned out to be such a dirt ball.

Cheaters are awfully selfish people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy is a more challenging task for some people than for others. I think we can accept that as true, just as any other task is more challenging for some people than others.

The point is that a decent human being would either know themselves well enough not to commit to monogamy, or would end the ostensibly monogamous relationship if they found it was a bar they could not meet. It is 2020. If you want to be single, or poly, those are options that are open to you.

But lying and abusing your spouse just because you are struggling to live up to your promise of fidelity? That's a deal breaker right there.

But the reason some people have affairs isn't because they are having problems with monogamy, they are having problems and don't know how to cope. An affair is a source of a lot of really good feelings (the chemical high!) that allow them to avoid.

I don't have a problem with monogamy. I had problems with ME. And my issues spilled over into our marriage. And eventually they spilled over into me having an AP.

You are just an unmitigated ass. Your wife if she did not leave you is a perfect asinine partner.

None of your therapy worked. And if he finally set himself free, don’t inflict yourself on another partner. You’re just not fixable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed the first time too, then he left a couple years later for the same whore. I learned later that he lied throughout most of our marriage. Gaslit me the whole way through. Do you have children? I do. So post again after he leaves for his affair partner and effs up your children lives by introducing his "new family" to them a couple months later. Then watch your children go from honor roll students to barely passing and losing all interest in sports and other activities they've always enjoyed because their father barely comes around. And by barely I mean, he hasn't seen them in 6 months and only saw them for 4 months last year.

Affairs aren't a big deal? Please. You can be the best mother in the world, but they still feel the loss of their father and there's nothing you can do to make them feel better about that loss. Counseling/therapy is not the magic bullet we all like to believe. Been there, done that many times with them. When children are involved affairs not only affect them emotionally but it can totally negatively shape how they view relationships. I am now a single parent raising children on my own as he skips off into the sunset and forgets they exist. You're free to forgive your cheating spouse, but to try to normalize affairs by saying kings and queens did it is just stupid.

This is so sad and so common for kids enduring parental affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I would always be tempted to bring it up in a fight.

Him: “You were supposed do the dishes last night and you didn’t.”
Me: “Well, you were supposed to remain faithful in our marriage, and you didn’t.”

Or this:

Him: “It’s your turn to do the dishes tonight.”
Me: “Remember that night that I made your favorite dinner, but you didn’t come home to eat it because you said you were working late, but you were really screwing some other woman? I think I did the dishes that night. I also think I put the kids to bed that night too. So, I’m pretty sure that makes it your turn.”

I don’t know. Even if he really felt awful about it and worked hard to change, I’m not sure I could be a mature enough person to move past it.

Haha! I think about this a lot. I compartmentalize very naturally and I think I would be fine mentally if my DH cheated. But I would literally never be able to take his feelings seriously anymore. It would end in divorce either way, because after you’ve stuck your d*** inside another woman then...I mean what can you criticize me about? I guess I would check out and that would end the marriage anyway.

That’s where I am. It’s literally a moment of I can literally do (or not do anything I want) because you repeatedly stuck your d@ck in some whore.

I haven’t cooked a meal, cleaned, gone grocery shopping, scheduled things for kids/house in 6 months. For 22 years I did 90% of that and worked full time. He’s doing it all now. It’s freeing. I just don’t give a f@ck anymore. He is highly repentant and kisses my @ss.

I think you literally now have the upper hand the rest of the marriage ..because really what can I do that’s worse? I now spend whatever the f@ck I want too.

This is really funny for lots of reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed the first time too, then he left a couple years later for the same whore. I learned later that he lied throughout most of our marriage. Gaslit me the whole way through. Do you have children? I do. So post again after he leaves for his affair partner and effs up your children lives by introducing his "new family" to them a couple months later. Then watch your children go from honor roll students to barely passing and losing all interest in sports and other activities they've always enjoyed because their father barely comes around. And by barely I mean, he hasn't seen them in 6 months and only saw them for 4 months last year.

Affairs aren't a big deal? Please. You can be the best mother in the world, but they still feel the loss of their father and there's nothing you can do to make them feel better about that loss. Counseling/therapy is not the magic bullet we all like to believe. Been there, done that many times with them. When children are involved affairs not only affect them emotionally but it can totally negatively shape how they view relationships. I am now a single parent raising children on my own as he skips off into the sunset and forgets they exist. You're free to forgive your cheating spouse, but to try to normalize affairs by saying kings and queens did it is just stupid.

100% this.

My spouse and spouse’s brother profoundly messed up because of a parent’s cheating and leaving the family. He was 10.

People are clueless. I’m sorry your husband turned out to be such a dirt ball.

Cheaters are awfully selfish people.

It has shown to be a multigenerational toxic virus. It has profound effects down family lines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of shit goes down in long-term relationship - fights, make-ups, ugly name calling, an occasional screaming match, etc. - and both partners will have periods of "going through something" in marriage.

But you kind of have to draw the line somewhere don't you?

If sticking his dick in someone is how your husband handles problems in his life, you could probably find a better human to be married to...

Or in my case: wife being a c@m dispenser to deal with her boredom and self-loathing

I think you mean “receptacle” not “dispenser”? Intelligence isn’t your strong point, is it?

She’s the psychopath who got fcked around on for several years, said she, her husband, and marriage were perfect, then he hit a trauma point/age and started banging someone he met meaning specifically sought out online, and that woman/whore is the beast who must be destroyed. She posts incessantly. She’s a vicious, ridiculous, delusional thing.

This thread is pretty crazy. While OP asked to be flamed, she didn’t seem to be attacking betrayed spouses who don’t feel as she does. She seems thoughtful and like she knows her perspective isn’t the most common one, but I didn’t see her making fun or saying a single negative thing about men or women who feel destroyed by affairs. The way she’s been attacked and mocked is amazing and not a little depressing. She loves her DH. She isn’t being mean to women in a different phase with this kind of discovery and betrayal.