Reply to Vent about my sister just being a jerk

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This sounds just like my sister in law who it turned out was being terribly abused by her husband, who also didn’t want her seeing her family. You never know what goes on in people’s lives. It’s best not to assume you know their motivations.[/quote]

I wish I could connect more with her. I really try. Most of you are telling me I’m being an asshole when I honestly just want to talk to my sister.[/quote]

NP here.  I don’t think you’re being an asshole, but I think you’re making this a bigger thing than it is.  If you want to talk to your sister, talk to your sister.  You say that entails having to hear her talk about herself, but that speaks to a need for you to reframe your conversations.  If you want to connect with her, you know you’re the one who has to make the effort, and just do it because you love her and want to chat.  You can jump in with info about yourself, even call attention to her hogging the conversation (“okay, now it’s my turn!”).

My kids are all grown, and I routinely call them every Sunday.  If I didn’t call them on Sundays, would they call me?  Most of them would, but I’m pretty sure my son wouldn’t.  We love each other, all is fine, but that’s how it goes.

About the situation with your parents, there’s a concept known as triangulation.  I know my mom used it on me for decades before I realized how poisonous it was to me and my siblings.  I’m the favored child, and my brother is the scapegoat (other sibs stand in from time to time as the scapegoat).  My mom would talk to me about my sibs’ conversations with her, and I thought I was being helpful by lending an ear, but I was only reinforcing that (a) I was a special child who was the most responsive, and (b) it was appropriate for her to air her woes with me.

Once I learned what was going on, I refused to engage with my mom whenever she would bemoan something that one of my sibs did.  In this case, if your dad is genuinely upset, you should let him know that he might want to bring it up with your sister.  Beyond that, it’s not your job to soothe your parents as it regards their relationships with their other kids.  I know you think you’re being helpful, but you’re not.  Been there, done that.

Be open and honest with your sister.  Keep as connected as you can.  And reframe your idea of what a close sibling relationship looks like, because clearly your image is not consistent with your sister’s reality.  Good luck.

Also, sorry to hear about your dad.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              [/quote]

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