Coy About College Decision

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here -- you are rather mean.

These are personal friends, and yes, so many of us have shared our info with them. Never said we were entitled to the info. But do find it odd that if they felt uncomfortable about the next step, why post pic after pic on social media from DC's graduation and stating how proud they were of DC, etc., wanting us all to cheer DC on?

Wouldn't it seem obvious that people would want to know next steps?

To be clear, it was not me that asked about where the DC is going to college. It was other parents who congratulated the kid on social media (over 300 people have congratulated the kid on social media based on the graduation pics the parents posted). But I think that there is nothing wrong with asking. Just surprised that the family is being coy after being so in our face about the graduation.

Had they been silent about it all, then I would feel like questions about college might be intrusive.

NO. I didn't go to college. My parents were proud of me for having made it through high school, because I was almost left back, because I could barely get through a lot of my classes. Graduating from high school was its own accomplishment, separate from college. IT WOULD SEEM OBVIOUS that you should TAKE THE HINT and shut up about it. They'll share IF/WHEN they want. Respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And also, college decisions are not just about the student.

If YOU are the person paying, it's a pretty big thing that involves you too, especially if you are being asked to plunk down 350-400k over the course of 4 years!!

DP. I'll pay because I love my child and can afford it. That doesn't make it my news to share.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they just have gotten tired of using social media? I used to post lots of stuff about me and my kids...now I realize that Facebook and other social media don't really bring me much joy - so I stopped posting.

I'm not trying to keep anything secret about my kids - if you ask me, I will tell you. I've just grown bored and disenchanted with posting on social media.

[Anonymous]

You seem to really think they owe it to you to tell you this information. It's kind of astounding that you would think that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People DO get off the waitlists but it requires a few things to happen. For example my DC won a national prize : off waitlist when college received letter. Cousin also. It does happen but not frequently.

DD graduated from a top private this year and will attend Ivy of her choice so this is not sour grapes but I think schools manipulate these things to help kids they want to help.

DD's school does not have class rank but at the end of 12th grade school bestows "cum laude" status to 20% of class based on combo of GPA + class rigor. The calculation is not public. This year the class president, popular kid, popular (ie rich) family had a bad college admissions season. Despite not being in the highest level of math, this kid was named to cum laude and admission to aUS news top30 off wait list was announced shortly after. I wonder if they tilted Cum Laude that way to help with the wait list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem to really think they owe it to you to tell you this information. It's kind of astounding that you would think that!

Op here. I have taken my humble pie and admitted that perhaps there are good reasons to not disclose. I’ll admit that in hindsight. But I also take offense to those social media friends that posts family details nonstop, drawing people in for clicks or nice comments about their families, lives, accomplishments, etc. they are putting it out there for everyone to admire and comment on, drawing us in and making us part of the extended family. Affirmations.


Maybe part of my humble pie approach is that I just won’t take the bait anymore and refuse clicking or providing comments to essentially make them feel better about the pics or updates. It doesn’t always get to go one way. Like many of the more angry posters have said, none of my business. My response going forward could very well be, just don’t ask me to participate in the game. I think its a fair response. They knew that people would ask, especially posting as much as they do. It’s within their right to withhold it. But it’s also within my right to ignore future posts.

I already know that some of you will be like “ no don’t do that,” but seriously it’s an exchange. People have choice to share and to respond.

Consequences or else it will always be a Lucy/Charlie Brown situation.

[Anonymous]

One of two things. Either there were always proud of their child's accomplishments, had great expectations, and are now so disappointed that they want to hide. Or he got into Harvard, and they're afraid of your jealous nature.

Or they're afraid they'll soon be charged with buying their way into a college and are staying silent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is obvious to me that if someone doesn't share what Larlo's future plans are, they have a good reason.

And it wasn't my place to pry.

Social media sucks.

Yes, this should be obvious to anyone with EQ > 0.

And it’s really their DC’s place to share. Not the parent.

The parents are far from being shy about sharing everything else -- every award and accolade, every trip, every milestone. Just thought it odd since they share so much so often.

No, you didn't. You suspect they were disappointed and you're annoyed they have deprived you of a moment of schadenfreude. I mean, you couldn't be more transparent if you tried.

[Anonymous]

"they were always proud"

[Anonymous]

We didn't tell a soul OP and our kid went to Princeton. I wonder why you care? Are you paying for the child to go to college? Why does it matter to you. I agree w/ an earlier poster that you want to enjoy some schaudenfreud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem to really think they owe it to you to tell you this information. It's kind of astounding that you would think that!

Op here. I have taken my humble pie and admitted that perhaps there are good reasons to not disclose. I’ll admit that in hindsight. But I also take offense to those social media friends that posts family details nonstop, drawing people in for clicks or nice comments about their families, lives, accomplishments, etc. they are putting it out there for everyone to admire and comment on, drawing us in and making us part of the extended family. Affirmations.


Maybe part of my humble pie approach is that I just won’t take the bait anymore and refuse clicking or providing comments to essentially make them feel better about the pics or updates. It doesn’t always get to go one way. Like many of the more angry posters have said, none of my business. My response going forward could very well be, just don’t ask me to participate in the game. I think its a fair response. They knew that people would ask, especially posting as much as they do. It’s within their right to withhold it. But it’s also within my right to ignore future posts.

I already know that some of you will be like “ no don’t do that,” but seriously it’s an exchange. People have choice to share and to respond.

Consequences or else it will always be a Lucy/Charlie Brown situation.

That's certainly your prerogative. I can't see how anyone would mind if you "clicked" less. But it surprises me that you don't consider that maybe there is something seriously wrong going on with the kid and that the family is struggling with it in secret. Yes, if it were me, I'd be up front about it. But it's not me and maybe they're really embarrassed and have a hard time being honest about such things. And if so, I would wonder but I would try to be supportive. That would be my takeaway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem to really think they owe it to you to tell you this information. It's kind of astounding that you would think that!

Op here. I have taken my humble pie and admitted that perhaps there are good reasons to not disclose. I’ll admit that in hindsight. But I also take offense to those social media friends that posts family details nonstop, drawing people in for clicks or nice comments about their families, lives, accomplishments, etc. they are putting it out there for everyone to admire and comment on, drawing us in and making us part of the extended family. Affirmations.


Maybe part of my humble pie approach is that I just won’t take the bait anymore and refuse clicking or providing comments to essentially make them feel better about the pics or updates. It doesn’t always get to go one way. Like many of the more angry posters have said, none of my business. My response going forward could very well be, just don’t ask me to participate in the game. I think its a fair response. They knew that people would ask, especially posting as much as they do. It’s within their right to withhold it. But it’s also within my right to ignore future posts.

I already know that some of you will be like “ no don’t do that,” but seriously it’s an exchange. People have choice to share and to respond.

Consequences or else it will always be a Lucy/Charlie Brown situation.

That's certainly your prerogative. I can't see how anyone would mind if you "clicked" less. But it surprises me that you don't consider that maybe there is something seriously wrong going on with the kid and that the family is struggling with it in secret. Yes, if it were me, I'd be up front about it. But it's not me and maybe they're really embarrassed and have a hard time being honest about such things. And if so, I would wonder but I would try to be supportive. That would be my takeaway.

Pp again. I wanted to add that I would also be grateful that I'm not like them - either that my kid isn't under this kind of pressure or that I don't feel driven to post this false narrative about my kid. Be relieved that you know better than to behave that way and be grateful for the lightness that puts in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People DO get off the waitlists but it requires a few things to happen. For example my DC won a national prize : off waitlist when college received letter. Cousin also. It does happen but not frequently.

DD graduated from a top private this year and will attend Ivy of her choice so this is not sour grapes but I think schools manipulate these things to help kids they want to help.

DD's school does not have class rank but at the end of 12th grade school bestows "cum laude" status to 20% of class based on combo of GPA + class rigor. The calculation is not public. This year the class president, popular kid, popular (ie rich) family had a bad college admissions season. Despite not being in the highest level of math, this kid was named to cum laude and admission to aUS news top30 off wait list was announced shortly after. I wonder if they tilted Cum Laude that way to help with the wait list.

Maybe he had the GPA and a rigorous schedule other than not being in highest math. Also, by highest math do you mean not taking AP Calc BC? I don't think being in the highest math group should be the benchmark of rigor. The counselor can look at everything and decide. Not everyone is going to take the highest physics either. I say this as someone who loved math in school. My kids are on track to take Calculus in 11th. Some kids take it in 10th and others don't take it in high school. I can assure you, there have been many valedictorians who didn't take the highest math or physics....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem to really think they owe it to you to tell you this information. It's kind of astounding that you would think that!

Op here. I have taken my humble pie and admitted that perhaps there are good reasons to not disclose. I’ll admit that in hindsight. But I also take offense to those social media friends that posts family details nonstop, drawing people in for clicks or nice comments about their families, lives, accomplishments, etc. they are putting it out there for everyone to admire and comment on, drawing us in and making us part of the extended family. Affirmations.


Maybe part of my humble pie approach is that I just won’t take the bait anymore and refuse clicking or providing comments to essentially make them feel better about the pics or updates. It doesn’t always get to go one way. Like many of the more angry posters have said, none of my business. My response going forward could very well be, just don’t ask me to participate in the game. I think its a fair response. They knew that people would ask, especially posting as much as they do. It’s within their right to withhold it. But it’s also within my right to ignore future posts.

I already know that some of you will be like “ no don’t do that,” but seriously it’s an exchange. People have choice to share and to respond.

Consequences or else it will always be a Lucy/Charlie Brown situation.

You clearly haven't taken your humble pie. People get to pick what they share. Maybe your friend and her DC invested a lot into hoping/working toward getting into a specific school and it didn't happen. Maybe they are "mourning" the loss of that hope. Why wouldn't give them space to do that even if they overstated in the past. Maybe their DC got into a great school but they can't afford the contribution the school deems appropriate and she feels guilty having to say no to her DC after he's worked so hard to get there. The point is, if your friendships really are just a quid pro quo with no exceptions, then maybe you should take a look in the mirror and figure out why that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is obvious to me that if someone doesn't share what Larlo's future plans are, they have a good reason.

And it wasn't my place to pry.

Social media sucks.

Yes, this should be obvious to anyone with EQ > 0.

And it’s really their DC’s place to share. Not the parent.

The parents are far from being shy about sharing everything else -- every award and accolade, every trip, every milestone. Just thought it odd since they share so much so often.

No, you didn't. You suspect they were disappointed and you're annoyed they have deprived you of a moment of schadenfreude. I mean, you couldn't be more transparent if you tried.

+1