DH had an affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound squirrelly. You need to wake up. Begin by realizing that he didn’t just come clean. He got sloppy-he took her out in your town. Someone saw them. And now more people than you know know. Please don’t tell your friends - not even your BFF. People will pity you. They already do, possibly. After you wake up, make a list of reasons to stay and reasons to go. The reasons to stay will be longer than the latter. Don’t stay because your DH doesn’t want to divorce. Stay because you want to stay. Or leave, because you want to leave. But it’s your choice please don’t t tell your friends - I know I’m repeating. But it’ll just be gossip and will haunt you if you stay. Good luck. And just so you know most men and most women cheat. Most don’t tell, though. And most don’t tell their friends they’ve be cheated on.

OMG, what kind of shitty friends do you guys have that you would not tell them this? This is the worst advice ever.

I told my longest friends; I wouldn’t have thought not to. They have known me forever and have only my true interests at heart. Why on earth would I keep a secret with the one guy who proved by his infidelity that he didn’t give a shit about me? My true friends supported me through a ridiculous drama with him. I also told my family - parents and siblings. Those are the family members who supported me my whole life. Why would I choose to go through one of the worst times in my life without the live and support of families and friends? My family and friends were unfailingly polite to him, despite knowing what he did (repeatedly), because they respected ME.

Abusers want to isolate you. It’s the only way they have a chance of gaslighting you into paralysis and not leaving. By forcing you into silence and shame, the adulterer is forcing you to live an inauthentic life, which only cuts you further off from others. If you are advising a woman who has been cheated on that they should keep quiet, you are no better than a bystander whose silence facilitates abuse.

I didn’t tell PTA pals or Room mothers - just my true blue friends. So should you. Don’t cut yourself off from support, love and friendship.

[Anonymous]

Once a person cuts the circle of trust it can never be repaired. You’re either with me or not. No it’s ands or buts. You cheat on me I will never forget. I’m so loyal that this is a betrayal beyond repair. Others are being treated like shit on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What situation left to the one night stand? Work conference or something?

I was out of town with the kids for a kids’ sports thing and he went for a drink, met a woman who said she was in a committed yet open relationship, got her number...made a plan and the following week, came home late from what I thought was a work thing. He told me a week after that. He took her out to dinner and drinks at a place not very far from our house!

This is worse than a one night stand. He had a premeditated thing where he had a week to come to his senses.

+1

[Anonymous]

I totally agree with all of the above PP.

Also, next time you're asking questions, start with: "I know more than you think. Your answer will let me know if you're still lying to me. Now, give me the name of who saw you?"

Whatever his answer is, get up and walk away and say " we have nothing to discuss right now." His reaction should give you more insight to the situation.

Sending you hugs.

[Anonymous]

I’ve had 4 guys chat on me. Took them all back and they all cheated again.

I have poor taste in men. Don’t be me. Leave.

[Anonymous]

You know, I was scared to tell anyone for a long time because I was worried that they'd judge me, or that we'd reconcile and then judge him, etc.

Once I told some friends and family, it was the biggest relief in the world. The cavalry showed up. They caught me when I fell. And oh, how I fell. In am not sure I could have survived without them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. Dont make any decisions now.

I have to say, however, that something about his confession is odd. Particularly that he detailed the date. This is not a drunken, work trip ONS (which I could and would forgive), but something else. I suspect you are getting trickle truth.

Sit him down and tell him that you dont know what you want to do yet, and you wont know for a while, but that you will absolutely stand no chance of staying together if he is not telling you the full and complete, 100 % truth. That he needs to tell you everything--her name, where he met her, whether they had been seeing each other more than this one date, why the condoms are missing, has he pursued other women.

Then, when he's done telling you, ask him to give you his phone and password (there, on the spot) and contact her to find out if it matches up.

Radical honesty is the only way you can get through this. I think, if he can't do it even though it is the most important condition for staying together, you see his character weakness and know that you will never be able to trust him and that he values his own self image over your marriage. If he can fully tell the truth, no matter how shameful or scared he is, then you stand a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, I was scared to tell anyone for a long time because I was worried that they'd judge me, or that we'd reconcile and then judge him, etc.

Once I told some friends and family, it was the biggest relief in the world. The cavalry showed up. They caught me when I fell. And oh, how I fell. In am not sure I could have survived without them.

Exact same scenario here. We did reconcile and I feel zero judgment. I'm sure there are people who do behind closed doors, but it's not their life to live.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you are in the situation. It's very sad and I can only imagine how you feel. Have you spoken to DH about it again? Have you decided to go to counseling? Sending you hugs and remember, you will feel better in time.

[Anonymous]

[quote]
Any wife who is "done with him" should just leave already! She can not complain that he's doing his own thing.[/quote]

OK. So youve used your words ... She resents you for past issues. She stays for the kids. Why do YOU stay? A mature person would say "I am not willing to stay in a sexless marriage. We've got 3 options. 1. Go to counseling to work on our marriage. 2. I start seeking sex outside the marriage. 3. Divorce.

Come on.. You can do it! Use your words!

[Anonymous]

What your husband did is not the actions of a first time cheater. At all. There’s more to the story. Someone likely saw them. Taking her out at a place near your house? No way. He’s been doing this for awhile.

FWIW, I have always wondered whether guys who cheat out in the open like that on a subconscious level actually want to get caught.

[Anonymous]

I hope OP gives an update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope OP gives an update.

Me too! How are you OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What situation left to the one night stand? Work conference or something?

I was out of town with the kids for a kids’ sports thing and he went for a drink, met a woman who said she was in a committed yet open relationship, got her number...made a plan and the following week, came home late from what I thought was a work thing. He told me a week after that. He took her out to dinner and drinks at a place not very far from our house!

So this was premeditated? Bad sign. It's not like he just got drunk and stumbled into bed with her; he had a whole week to think this through and went through with it anyway. You need to press him to find out why. We can't answer that for you. I'm hoping for the best for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I'm so sorry you are in the situation. It's very sad and I can only imagine how you feel. Have you spoken to DH about it again? Have you decided to go to counseling? Sending you hugs and remember, you will feel better in time.

It’s OP again. Thank you to everyone who has commented here with support, advice and similar stories. To the people posting about their sexless marriages and how their spouses deserve to be cheated on—I already said that is not what happened here. I thought we had a happy, loving, sexy life together, which is why I’m completely blindsided by this. We’re in our early 40s but have been together since college.

I have asked him a million questions and gotten some satisfactory answers, but I still have no idea what to do or how to feel better. He started counseling this week and I’m looking for a therapist. Maybe we’ll do joint counseling at some point. I’m doing a lot of compartmentalizing so I can manage work and kids, but not really sleeping or eating. My stomach hurts and if I let myself think about it too long, I have trouble breathing. So, I’m not doing well.

I’ve seen pictures and lots of personal info about the woman. She has a blog and shares a lot of stuff about her family...I don’t know if knowing all that is helpful or not. It definitely makes me feel like shit. I believe that it was a one night stand (based on texts), but don’t know why he would do it. “Why” is the hardest part—am I going to feel better if he finally says, “I did it because I’m tired of you” or “I did it because I’m a huge jerk and don’t care about you at all”? There’s really no good to come of it.

As for the condom question: when I wrote that bit, I was wondering where the box of condoms was (because he said he used one) not meaning that I had the box and more than one was missing. He says he threw the rest away before he came home...I don’t know if that’s the truth or not.