DH had an affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I’ve seen pictures and lots of personal info about the woman. She has a blog and shares a lot of stuff about her family...I don’t know if knowing all that is helpful or not. It definitely makes me feel like shit. I believe that it was a one night stand (based on texts), but don’t know why he would do it. “Why” is the hardest part—am I going to feel better if he finally says, “I did it because I’m tired of you” or “I did it because I’m a huge jerk and don’t care about you at all”? There’s really no good to come of it.

As for the condom question: when I wrote that bit, I was wondering where the box of condoms was (because he said he used one) not meaning that I had the box and more than one was missing. He says he threw the rest away before he came home...I don’t know if that’s the truth or not.

For me, the why would matter in order to know the person really is remorseful about the action, not necessarily just remorseful about the consequence. Also that the person has the self-awareness to understand where it was coming from in order to handle it differently in the future. If it’s really because he is tired of you or is a huge jerk and doesn’t care about you, wouldn’t you rather know that than spend energy potentially trying to save the marriage, having joint finances and this person having life or death decisions over your health should you be unable to communicate your wishes? You may feel like it’s you why he cheated but why he cheated has more to do about him and how he handles his emotions. You don’t deserve this, and yet you have to deal with it as if someone left a steaming pile of crap on your front doorstep. You may feel powerless and like you don’t have a choice as you wait to see how things go and if he is really being truthful but realize everything is a choice even if you choose to do nothing right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I’ve seen pictures and lots of personal info about the woman. She has a blog and shares a lot of stuff about her family...I don’t know if knowing all that is helpful or not. It definitely makes me feel like shit. I believe that it was a one night stand (based on texts), but don’t know why he would do it. “Why” is the hardest part—am I going to feel better if he finally says, “I did it because I’m tired of you” or “I did it because I’m a huge jerk and don’t care about you at all”? There’s really no good to come of it.

As for the condom question: when I wrote that bit, I was wondering where the box of condoms was (because he said he used one) not meaning that I had the box and more than one was missing. He says he threw the rest away before he came home...I don’t know if that’s the truth or not.

For me, the why would matter in order to know the person really is remorseful about the action, not necessarily just remorseful about the consequence. Also that the person has the self-awareness to understand where it was coming from in order to handle it differently in the future. If it’s really because he is tired of you or is a huge jerk and doesn’t care about you, wouldn’t you rather know that than spend energy potentially trying to save the marriage, having joint finances and this person having life or death decisions over your health should you be unable to communicate your wishes? You may feel like it’s you why he cheated but why he cheated has more to do about him and how he handles his emotions. You don’t deserve this, and yet you have to deal with it as if someone left a steaming pile of crap on your front doorstep. You may feel powerless and like you don’t have a choice as you wait to see how things go and if he is really being truthful but realize everything is a choice even if you choose to do nothing right now.

This. I waited to see gow my DH would handle his affair. He begged me not to end the relationship. In the ensuing weeks and months it became clear that he was extremely remorseful - about being caught and the negative impact on him. But, he had absolutely no understanding of why he did it or tbe extraordinary pain it caused me and the kids. This was one of the many reasons I finally ended it. He had no clue why he did it, and he therefore had no understanding of how to prevent it.

[Anonymous]

OP did this woman from the bar know he was married? It may be worth it to talk to her in some way to see if you can find out more. Somethings missing from this entire story.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. The next several months will be the worst of your life. I promise you it gets better. You deserve better. Your husband is deeply flawed and having an affair is an extreme form of emotional abuse against a spouse. The amount of lying, manipulating, gaslighting that goes on takes serious energy and effort on the part of the cheater. This is abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I'm so sorry you are in the situation. It's very sad and I can only imagine how you feel. Have you spoken to DH about it again? Have you decided to go to counseling? Sending you hugs and remember, you will feel better in time.

It’s OP again. Thank you to everyone who has commented here with support, advice and similar stories. To the people posting about their sexless marriages and how their spouses deserve to be cheated on—I already said that is not what happened here. I thought we had a happy, loving, sexy life together, which is why I’m completely blindsided by this. We’re in our early 40s but have been together since college.

I have asked him a million questions and gotten some satisfactory answers, but I still have no idea what to do or how to feel better. He started counseling this week and I’m looking for a therapist. Maybe we’ll do joint counseling at some point. I’m doing a lot of compartmentalizing so I can manage work and kids, but not really sleeping or eating. My stomach hurts and if I let myself think about it too long, I have trouble breathing. So, I’m not doing well.

I’ve seen pictures and lots of personal info about the woman. She has a blog and shares a lot of stuff about her family...I don’t know if knowing all that is helpful or not. It definitely makes me feel like shit. I believe that it was a one night stand (based on texts), but don’t know why he would do it. “Why” is the hardest part—am I going to feel better if he finally says, “I did it because I’m tired of you” or “I did it because I’m a huge jerk and don’t care about you at all”? There’s really no good to come of it.

As for the condom question: when I wrote that bit, I was wondering where the box of condoms was (because he said he used one) not meaning that I had the box and more than one was missing. He says he threw the rest away before he came home...I don’t know if that’s the truth or not.

omg.. I'm so sorry. It must be so hard to try to keep it together.

As for the why.. why do people do dumb sh1t? Because they want to and they think they can get away with it. It doesn't sound like your marriage had any major issues, so I can only assume it was that he just wanted to do it. He was attracted to her, and he followed through with that attraction with zero thought to the consequences (even though he had a week to think about it). To me, that would be the hardest part to deal with.. that it was premeditated.

[Anonymous]

As a cheater ... he probably did it because he could. I could cite low self esteem, some unresolved issues and resentments, anger with my husband. But real reason is that I was selfish and unwilling to face the issues I had. I met somebody and felt a connection and hadn't felt that for ages and decided the risk was worth it, and I went with it.

Cheaters are jerks. Immature and unable to deal with the reality of the present. Cheating gives you a mini-vacation from the stress of day to day life. It was the bright spot in my day that was otherwise beset with crap. But it isn't sustainable, because that bright spot belongs to somebody else.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I too, have been there. These next months are going to be the worst of your life. Please get outside help, even if that means confiding in someone that this happened. Not sleeping or eating only makes things worse.

As for your question for the why - it took my husband almost months of counseling to figure it out. It was infuriating and I was ready to leave him. Not because of his one night stand, but because he couldn't tell me why. Without the why, I didn't feel safe that he wouldn't do it again. Essentially, the previous poster nailed it on the head. Emotional immaturity and an inability to deal with the present and an ability to delve off into a fantasy world. Also, the ability to compartmentalize the 2. In my DH's case, he had several life shattering events happen in a short period that lead him to seek out the high that came from the newness of someone else. The most important part of the why here is that HE came to this conclusion on his own. Only then were we able to rebuild our life. And we're still working on it. And I'm still not sure I'll ever trust him again. But I have too many reasons to at least try.

Good luck, OP. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I too, have been there. These next months are going to be the worst of your life. Please get outside help, even if that means confiding in someone that this happened. Not sleeping or eating only makes things worse.

As for your question for the why - it took my husband almost 7 months of counseling to figure it out. It was infuriating and I was ready to leave him. Not because of his one night stand, but because he couldn't tell me why. Without the why, I didn't feel safe that he wouldn't do it again. Essentially, the previous poster nailed it on the head. Emotional immaturity and an inability to deal with the present and an ability to delve off into a fantasy world. Also, the ability to compartmentalize the 2. In my DH's case, he had several life shattering events happen in a short period that lead him to seek out the high that came from the newness of someone else. The most important part of the why here is that HE came to this conclusion on his own. Only then were we able to rebuild our life. And we're still working on it. And I'm still not sure I'll ever trust him again. But I have too many reasons to at least try.

Good luck, OP. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He told you because someone saw him. Dinner date and back to her place tells me this is not his first foray. Sorry. I would check into a nice hotel for a few days.

YEah, this isn't the first time he's done it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a cheater ... he probably did it because he could. I could cite low self esteem, some unresolved issues and resentments, anger with my husband. But real reason is that I was selfish and unwilling to face the issues I had. I met somebody and felt a connection and hadn't felt that for ages and decided the risk was worth it, and I went with it.

Cheaters are jerks. Immature and unable to deal with the reality of the present. Cheating gives you a mini-vacation from the stress of day to day life. It was the bright spot in my day that was otherwise beset with crap. But it isn't sustainable, because that bright spot belongs to somebody else.

This is OP again. How did you come to realize this about yourself? Did your husband feel like your life together was crap before your affair? I’m asking because I don’t see how my husband could have felt our life was crappy—I certainly didn’t! I suspect that “he did it because he could” is part of the reason, but I just don’t be get it! I could sleep with someone I meet at a bar too, but I don’t because I love my DH, my kids and our life together. This is a betrayal and also a rejection of me on so many levels. If this is the reason, he’s saying “I don’t care about you”, “I don’t care about our family”, “you’re not enough for me”, “you stupidly thought we were happy, but we’re not” and on and on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP did this woman from the bar know he was married? It may be worth it to talk to her in some way to see if you can find out more. Somethings missing from this entire story.

Yes, she knew he’s married. He told her he is also in a “committed but open” relationship, but that conversation doesn’t come up without some serious flirting...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He told you because someone saw him. Dinner date and back to her place tells me this is not his first foray. Sorry. I would check into a nice hotel for a few days.

YEah, this isn't the first time he's done it.

No one has told me they saw him. They went to a hotel, not her place. She’s married too.

If I check into a hotel, I’d have to tell my kids something and I don’t want to do that yet.

[Anonymous]

Women vastly over-analyze men. He cheated for the same reason a single man has sex. Because it's a biological drive to do it. He just lost his will-power to say no. It's not some existential act, it's just a fleeting belief he can do it and get away with it.

It's not an excuse fo rhis behavior, he made a vow, he should keep it. But to ask hi to try and figure out why he did it is like asking a hungry person why they ate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women vastly over-analyze men. He cheated for the same reason a single man has sex. Because it's a biological drive to do it. He just lost his will-power to say no. It's not some existential act, it's just a fleeting belief he can do it and get away with it.

It's not an excuse fo rhis behavior, he made a vow, he should keep it. But to ask hi to try and figure out why he did it is like asking a hungry person why they ate.

That’s bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women vastly over-analyze men. He cheated for the same reason a single man has sex. Because it's a biological drive to do it. He just lost his will-power to say no. It's not some existential act, it's just a fleeting belief he can do it and get away with it.

It's not an excuse fo rhis behavior, he made a vow, he should keep it. But to ask hi to try and figure out why he did it is like asking a hungry person why they ate.

That’s bullshit.

Of course you think it's b.s. because you are a woman. You have sex and have affairs for different reasons then men. You are projecting female motivations on men that aren't there.

Surely you don't think men are cheating because they are mad at their wives for not making homecooked dinners, or whatnot.