DH had an affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What situation left to the one night stand? Work conference or something?

I was out of town with the kids for a kids’ sports thing and he went for a drink, met a woman who said she was in a committed yet open relationship, got her number...made a plan and the following week, came home late from what I thought was a work thing. He told me a week after that. He took her out to dinner and drinks at a place not very far from our house!

This is worse than a one night stand. He had a premeditated thing where he had a week to come to his senses.

+1 it's one thing for it to be spontaneous, but this.. no, I couldn't forgive this one.

I doubt I could either.

[Anonymous]

So he had time to reflect before he did it and chose to go through with it anyways? Scumbag, you deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What situation left to the one night stand? Work conference or something?

I was out of town with the kids for a kids’ sports thing and he went for a drink, met a woman who said she was in a committed yet open relationship, got her number...made a plan and the following week, came home late from what I thought was a work thing. He told me a week after that. He took her out to dinner and drinks at a place not very far from our house!

Is that why he told you? Somebody who knows you saw them and threatened to tell you if he didn’t? That’s so sloppy. It’s like he wasn’t even worried about getting caught. Have there been any other radical changes in his behavior?

Yes, why did he tell you? That’s so weird.

I don’t know why he told me. I guess feelings of remorse. No one else has told me they saw him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What situation left to the one night stand? Work conference or something?

I was out of town with the kids for a kids’ sports thing and he went for a drink, met a woman who said she was in a committed yet open relationship, got her number...made a plan and the following week, came home late from what I thought was a work thing. He told me a week after that. He took her out to dinner and drinks at a place not very far from our house!

Is that why he told you? Somebody who knows you saw them and threatened to tell you if he didn’t? That’s so sloppy. It’s like he wasn’t even worried about getting caught. Have there been any other radical changes in his behavior?

Yes, why did he tell you? That’s so weird.

I don’t know why he told me. I guess feelings of remorse. No one else has told me they saw him.

So, he wants to clear his conscience at your expense. Nice. Please leave him. He's a selfish prick.

[Anonymous]

He told you because someone saw him. Dinner date and back to her place tells me this is not his first foray. Sorry. I would check into a nice hotel for a few days.

[Anonymous]

Well looks like you needed to worry less about being the same size as when you were married and more about the fact that you married a cheating d bag.

[Anonymous]

What a d-bag.

Don't make any decisions today. Or tomorrow.

Talk this through with a counselor -- someone who can help you work through the emotions and pragmatic decisions of what is next. I suggest a counselor because your friends and family are going to want to burn him at the stake and make him pay. That isn't necessarily in anyone's best interest.

Take your time, figure out if trust can every be regained. Once you know whether or not you're open to trusting him, then you start plotting next steps.

As I'm sure you realize, this isn't just about you and him. One of you needs to take all of this into account and figure out what is best for your family.

FWIW, I've been in your shoes -- and I ended up divorcing because I knew I wouldn't trust him again, ever. I didn't want to live like that and I didn't want my kids to see that as a 'normal' relationship. Everyone is better off now.

[Anonymous]

Sorry that you are going through this. I don't know... a few years ago in your shoes I would have said that I was done and started calling divorce lawyers and not look back.

But now, if my DH was apologetic and honest, I would probably stay. My DH has a weird set of characteristics that are hard to find.

You should ask him if he is capable of being monogamous and happy. Some people aren't. You mention wanting to be with another guy - is this something you have wanted for a long time, or only to get back at DH?

[Anonymous]

So this happened a couple weeks ago, what are you telling him what you need? I would start with tberapy for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Will he do marriage counseling?
There are the children who also count.
I'm so sorry he did this.

[Anonymous]

I am so so sorry OP. I would be shocked, scared and angry too.

I don't think you should or need to make any decisions now, or even a year from now.

I do think you should have counseling as a couple and he should do individual counseling.

I am not condoning staying or leaving, but infidelity is rampant and many marriages survive it. Not all do.

For me, personally, if it happened once, DH was intensely remorseful, was fully transparent, willing to do the work of repair and there weren't another history of lying or deception and the marriage had, until then, been pretty solid, I'd try to stick it out for a while and see if it worked. If it were part of a larger pattern of deception and lack of transparency or more lies were disclosed, I would start preparing to separate.

[Anonymous]

Man here, so sorry you are going through with this, OP.

He is am ass for doing it and a bigger ass for telling you. It's not going to make you feel better but most accomplished men have done what your DH did at least once in their marriage but they are smart enough not to get caught or to confess. So you get the emotional turmoil of being married to a cheater while your friends whose husband's have done the same or worse get to be married and blissfully unaware.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're going through this OP! I was in your shoes less than a year ago-- finding out about my spouse's affair was devastating (and his was MUCH more involved)-- I had loads of sleepless nights, fits of overwhelming anger and hurt.

Please don't do anything rash or let the kids know of what your DH did. Look for therapy for you and marital counseling for the both of you. Confide in only a few close friends. I think your DH told you because he is remorseful. There is no shortage of "leave him" responses here but affairs are VERY common and most marriages do not end just for that reason. For every post here castigating a cheating spouse there's 1-2 more from posters looking for an AP or bragging about cheating or admitting to it. Anyway just leaving your spouse is not such a simple option when you have kids and there is love in the marriage. You need to explore why this happened in counseling and decide over time what you want/need to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was out of town with the kids for a kids’ sports thing and he went for a drink, met a woman who said she was in a committed yet open relationship, got her number...made a plan and the following week, came home late from what I thought was a work thing. He told me a week after that. He took her out to dinner and drinks at a place not very far from our house!

Is that why he told you? Somebody who knows you saw them and threatened to tell you if he didn’t? That’s so sloppy. It’s like he wasn’t even worried about getting caught. Have there been any other radical changes in his behavior?

Yes, why did he tell you? That’s so weird.

I don’t know why he told me. I guess feelings of remorse. No one else has told me they saw him.

He might be remorseful but I think he had been thinking about this for awhile. There were too many concious decisions. Wife out of town with the kids, head on down to the local bar by myself. Unless he typically does this, that seems like step one if you are looking for trouble. Then strike up a conversation and get the phone number of person of the opposite sex. Not only call but take her out on a date. WTF. When was the last time he planned dinner and drinks for you, then going back to her place or wherever and have sex. My guess is either it wasn’t a one time cheating, or he met her online, or had been discontent about something (maybe mid-lide crisis) and was putting himself on the path for something to happen. There is just no way he was feeling happily married and happy with his life and made at least 5 deliberate, bad decisions in a row.

I feel for you OP and would echo to take your time and decide what’s best for you and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here, so sorry you are going through with this, OP.

He is am ass for doing it and a bigger ass for telling you. It's not going to make you feel better but most accomplished men have done what your DH did at least once in their marriage but they are smart enough not to get caught or to confess. So you get the emotional turmoil of being married to a cheater while your friends whose husband's have done the same or worse get to be married and blissfully unaware.

I hope you are not married.