DH had an affair
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Anonymous
| I’m so sorry. It can be survived....if you want to..... and your partnership can continue, but it takes a very long time to heal, and it takes a lot of work. I’m very sorry, you have every right to feel hurt and angry. |
Anonymous
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The scary thing is if you stay with a cheater you are scared to death to have sex with them. Wondering if you are going to come down with some disease. For most people I don't think they ever feel the same whether they stay or not.
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Anonymous
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Not OP. I stayed. Well, am staying for now as we try to work through the betrayal and issues that lead to us not being happy. I truely believe we can get through this because we both want to and want to do the work. But this is not anything - staying or leaving - that I wish on anyone.
OP. You will make the best decision for you. That decision can change. You don’t need to make any major decisions right now. You will be ok. You will not always feel the tumultuous and confusing emotions you are feeling now. Get a therapist - one for you and one for both of you. It is transformational. |
Anonymous
| It’s OP again. Thank you for thinking of me. It’s been a shit show around here—very stressful and tense for everyone, even the dogs are on edge. I have met with a lawyer and tried to map out what separation/divorce would look like and also started therapy. I have good days and bad days, but am just trying to keep moving forward! It’s a very stressful time at work as well, due to some organizational changes, so that is weirdly helping me compartmentalize my stress. Divorce sounds terrible—for the kids and finances—so I’m leaning towards staying, but I still feel paralyzed with betrayal and indecision. This is a situation I would never wish on anyone. |
Anonymous
Give yourself a break. This is difficult stuff. You don't need to decide now. Honestly, you can decide today, tomorrow, next week, next year, or 10 years from now. Do what keeps you safe and sane for NOW. |
Anonymous
You may not like what I'm saying but believe me that I am saying this out of the place of wanting to comfort you. Right now it seems like it's uniquely and hugely painful and like no one ever lived through this. Yet a large, large, very large proportion of marriages deals with infidelity at some point, and many survive and get over it. Look around you and assume that a large percentage of people you see on metro, on the street, at your office, at the next restaurant have dealt with this. It's very, very common. So a situation you never wish on anyone has been experienced by vast numbers of people who usually survive just fine. It's tough but very survivable. |
Anonymous
Not OP, but people say this all the time -- it happens to everyone and lots of people stay. That might seem comforting but it is without much objective data to support it. It also doesn't at all take into account the quality of marriage afterwards. I stayed with my now exDH for 2.5 years after I first found out he cheated. Those entire 2.5 years were a shit show that no human being should have to experience, but am I a "success" because we didn't break up after the first infidelity? Yes, infidelity is survivable -- so is death in the family, domestic abuse, etc. Personally, "survival" isn't my goal in life. I am worth far more than a life in which I can just count myself as having survived. And, personally, there is no value or victory in remaining married, but in a shitty, unstable, abusive marriage. OP, the hardest part is being in limbo. If you didn't dump him immediately (which would have been perfectly justifiable) and you have decided to stay long enough to explore whether the infidelity is possible to move on from (also a perfectly justifiable choice), then you are in a painful limbo state in which it's hard to know if the marriage will survive or not. I am glad you have consulted an attorney. I would caution you about pre-judging divorce. Divorce is terrible. But, so is marriage after one person cheats. Just how terrible the latter is is hard to know right now because you may not know the real totality of the infidelity and you do not yet know if your DH is willing to do the work of earning your trust again. The frustrating part about this situation is that you only have shitty choices -- divorce or stay in a relationship with a cheater. This is really what it is all about -- can he earn your trust again? You have no control over that. I advise you to think to yourself and commit to a certain amount of time (which can but don't have to share with him) that you will stick it out to see where your therapy takes you and to watch what he does (not what he says) to recover from this. Then at the end of that period, you can sit down and assess all the evidence in front of you about where the relationship has gone after the cheating. For me, I decided I could tolerate 1 year of time to see what my DH would do to recover from his infidelity. When I sat down at the end of a year and evaluated the totality of the evidence that I had about his cheating, about his ongoing behaviors and about his participation in therapy and some other things that I had conveyed were necessary for reconciliation, I decided to end the relationship. For reasons that benefitted me personally and professionally, I didn't actually convey that and kick him out until a year and a half later. Dealing with it this way has made me feel better in later years -- I look back and clearly see that I was willing to work on things but he was not capable. In that context, divorce was the better choice. I am grateful every day that my kids and I did not have to continue to live with such an unstable person. Being divorced sucks in some (but not all) ways, but continuing to be married would have been worse for me and a terrible example for the kids. Use the time that you have to focus on yourself and let your DH do what he is going to do about the infidelity. You focus on your work and getting your life to a place that if you have to leave, you have a good financial cushion, expand your professional and personal support network, etc. |
Anonymous
Any news, OP? How are you doing? Any decisions? Did this turn out to be the whole story? |