DH had an affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He told you because someone saw him. Dinner date and back to her place tells me this is not his first foray. Sorry. I would check into a nice hotel for a few days.

This.

He's probably been dating her for a while...which is precisely why he bailed on the kids sports thing out of town. Someone close to you saw him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time for a postnup. His reaction to the suggestion will tell you a lot. He needs to transfer a large sum or a significant asset into your sole name as your non-marital property as a surety for his good faith, plus an agreement for an above and beyond split in your favor should you divorce. If he's not interested in that? He is looking for an exit.

I am a woman and disagree. If a wife asks for this type of postnup, it look like the wife is looking for an exit strategy as much as it would make the husband for not giving it. Bad suggestion all around

+1. Only a fool would agree to this. If a wife unilaterally cuts off sex, do husbands get a similar arrangement? How about an affair partner fund.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He told you because someone saw him. Dinner date and back to her place tells me this is not his first foray. Sorry. I would check into a nice hotel for a few days.

This.

He's probably been dating her for a while...which is precisely why he bailed on the kids sports thing out of town. Someone close to you saw him.

This. Or something like this. The story seems incomplete.

[Anonymous]

he is an asshole as you know…. i would kick him out

[Anonymous]

OP check out the surviving infidelity website and forums. Lots of people in similar circumstances and they have forums for those who choose to reconcile and those who choose to separate. Forum design isn't great but lots of good content.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That being said, it is hard to be faithful and I have screwed up (not in my marriage though)

Your marriage doesn't have to be over if you don't want it to be

It hasn't been hard for me. So I don't think it's hard to be faithful. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

but I sowed all my oats before I got married, probably too many!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time for a postnup. His reaction to the suggestion will tell you a lot. He needs to transfer a large sum or a significant asset into your sole name as your non-marital property as a surety for his good faith, plus an agreement for an above and beyond split in your favor should you divorce. If he's not interested in that? He is looking for an exit.

I am a woman and disagree. If a wife asks for this type of postnup, it look like the wife is looking for an exit strategy as much as it would make the husband for not giving it. Bad suggestion all around

+1. Only a fool would agree to this. If a wife unilaterally cuts off sex, do husbands get a similar arrangement? How about an affair partner fund.

OP didn’t cut off sex. Although for all we know, she is the higher earner. I’d make him waive alimony.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I've been thinking about you. How are you doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That being said, it is hard to be faithful and I have screwed up (not in my marriage though)

Your marriage doesn't have to be over if you don't want it to be

It hasn't been hard for me. So I don't think it's hard to be faithful. Just saying.

Exactly, I cringe when idiots post that kind of stuff. The last thing I would want is to get a disease from someone whose been with who knows what. Not hard to figure someone willing to cheat with a married person isn't the cream of the crop.

Yes OP please give us a update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time for a postnup. His reaction to the suggestion will tell you a lot. He needs to transfer a large sum or a significant asset into your sole name as your non-marital property as a surety for his good faith, plus an agreement for an above and beyond split in your favor should you divorce. If he's not interested in that? He is looking for an exit.

I am a woman and disagree. If a wife asks for this type of postnup, it look like the wife is looking for an exit strategy as much as it would make the husband for not giving it. Bad suggestion all around

+1. Only a fool would agree to this. If a wife unilaterally cuts off sex, do husbands get a similar arrangement? How about an affair partner fund.

No, it's a great suggestion. Blackmail should become a regular part of marriage. YOU ACTED LIKE AN ASSHOLE! TRANSFER $100,000 INTO MY PERSONAL ACCOUNT IMMEDIATELY AS A SURETY YOU WON"T DO IT AGAIN OR I AM LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP!

I am going to try it on my wife. Next time she's bitchy I am coming for her retirement funds!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time for a postnup. His reaction to the suggestion will tell you a lot. He needs to transfer a large sum or a significant asset into your sole name as your non-marital property as a surety for his good faith, plus an agreement for an above and beyond split in your favor should you divorce. If he's not interested in that? He is looking for an exit.

I am a woman and disagree. If a wife asks for this type of postnup, it look like the wife is looking for an exit strategy as much as it would make the husband for not giving it. Bad suggestion all around

+1. Only a fool would agree to this. If a wife unilaterally cuts off sex, do husbands get a similar arrangement? How about an affair partner fund.

My now exDH cheated on me. I wish I had asked for a post-nup. His reaction would have been telling. Instead, he begged me to stay. I remember asking/telling him -- please don't ask me to do this if you are not sure that you want this relationship/me or if you are not sure you can be monogamous. He swore up and down that he did want our relationship and he would/could stop.

Of course, over the course of the next two years, he continued to cheat. In contracts, there is a theory of "opportunity cost". The time and effort I spend on something when I could have done something else is actually a cost to me. My now exDH got a second chance and I not only got nothing, but that second chance cost me years that I will never get back. A post-nup isn't blackmail or a bad suggestion. It's just acknowledgement of the opportunity cost that an unfaithful husband is asking a faithful wife to give up. A man who can't recognize that is a man that doesn't deserve second chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time for a postnup. His reaction to the suggestion will tell you a lot. He needs to transfer a large sum or a significant asset into your sole name as your non-marital property as a surety for his good faith, plus an agreement for an above and beyond split in your favor should you divorce. If he's not interested in that? He is looking for an exit.

I am a woman and disagree. If a wife asks for this type of postnup, it look like the wife is looking for an exit strategy as much as it would make the husband for not giving it. Bad suggestion all around

+1. Only a fool would agree to this. If a wife unilaterally cuts off sex, do husbands get a similar arrangement? How about an affair partner fund.

My now exDH cheated on me. I wish I had asked for a post-nup. His reaction would have been telling. Instead, he begged me to stay. I remember asking/telling him -- please don't ask me to do this if you are not sure that you want this relationship/me or if you are not sure you can be monogamous. He swore up and down that he did want our relationship and he would/could stop.

Of course, over the course of the next two years, he continued to cheat. In contracts, there is a theory of "opportunity cost". The time and effort I spend on something when I could have done something else is actually a cost to me. My now exDH got a second chance and I not only got nothing, but that second chance cost me years that I will never get back. A post-nup isn't blackmail or a bad suggestion. It's just acknowledgement of the opportunity cost that an unfaithful husband is asking a faithful wife to give up. A man who can't recognize that is a man that doesn't deserve second chance.

I completely agree with this. He perpetrated fraud on you, and exposed you to possible deadly STD's. Not to mention years wasted. You can't compare cheating to being a B like the above poster tried to do. I think in divorce if a person can prove cheating there should be some significant cost.

I'm sure he would have refused giving some bogus reason and blaming you for even suggesting such a thing, lol. Cheaters lie and deflect, they are very damaged individuals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, a one night stand. He told me a lot of details and has been extremely remorseful, etc. for the past couple weeks since he told me. We have an active sex life—both quantity and quality—and have been together a long time, so I am totally shocked. Before you ask, I wear the same size as I did when we first met and we don’t argue about anything. My head is absolutely spinning. Separation, divorce, therapy...I don’t know what to do. But right now, my feelings are so hurt! I feel betrayed and embarrassed and scared. I am devastated for our kids. I feel like “what is wrong with me?” The whole situation is terrible. But right now, more than anything else, I want to hurt his feelings as much as he has hurt mine. I want to go pick up some dude
at a bar and have sex. I want to walk out of this damn house and never come back. This sucks!

If you decide to stay with him, run don't walk to a divorce attorney and get a post nuptial agreement. If he really is sorry and won't ever do it again, he'll have no problem signing one. I caught my husband years ago in touch with another woman. We went to therapy etc etc etc, only to find out 8 years later he kept in touch with her and was sleeping with other people too. A post nuptual would have saved me so much time, money and agony. When I found out the truth last summer I initiated a divorce.

Also, for anyone who has been cheated on, go to this website and read, read, read, read. Chump lady. Poster, you need it. What difference does it make what size you wear? Stop blaming yourself for his shitty, selfish choices. A person who wants to cheat will cheat no matter how perfect or awful their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time for a postnup. His reaction to the suggestion will tell you a lot. He needs to transfer a large sum or a significant asset into your sole name as your non-marital property as a surety for his good faith, plus an agreement for an above and beyond split in your favor should you divorce. If he's not interested in that? He is looking for an exit.

I am a woman and disagree. If a wife asks for this type of postnup, it look like the wife is looking for an exit strategy as much as it would make the husband for not giving it. Bad suggestion all around

+1. Only a fool would agree to this. If a wife unilaterally cuts off sex, do husbands get a similar arrangement? How about an affair partner fund.

My now exDH cheated on me. I wish I had asked for a post-nup. His reaction would have been telling. Instead, he begged me to stay. I remember asking/telling him -- please don't ask me to do this if you are not sure that you want this relationship/me or if you are not sure you can be monogamous. He swore up and down that he did want our relationship and he would/could stop.

Of course, over the course of the next two years, he continued to cheat. In contracts, there is a theory of "opportunity cost". The time and effort I spend on something when I could have done something else is actually a cost to me. My now exDH got a second chance and I not only got nothing, but that second chance cost me years that I will never get back. A post-nup isn't blackmail or a bad suggestion. It's just acknowledgement of the opportunity cost that an unfaithful husband is asking a faithful wife to give up. A man who can't recognize that is a man that doesn't deserve second chance.

[phone] to the post nup.