DH had an affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here, so sorry you are going through with this, OP.

He is am ass for doing it and a bigger ass for telling you. It's not going to make you feel better but most accomplished men have done what your DH did at least once in their marriage but they are smart enough not to get caught or to confess. So you get the emotional turmoil of being married to a cheater while your friends whose husband's have done the same or worse get to be married and blissfully unaware.

No, most “accomplished” men have not done this. WTF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're going through this OP! I was in your shoes less than a year ago-- finding out about my spouse's affair was devastating (and his was MUCH more involved)-- I had loads of sleepless nights, fits of overwhelming anger and hurt.

Please don't do anything rash or let the kids know of what your DH did. Look for therapy for you and marital counseling for the both of you. Confide in only a few close friends. I think your DH told you because he is remorseful. There is no shortage of "leave him" responses here but affairs are VERY common and most marriages do not end just for that reason. For every post here castigating a cheating spouse there's 1-2 more from posters looking for an AP or bragging about cheating or admitting to it. Anyway just leaving your spouse is not such a simple option when you have kids and there is love in the marriage. You need to explore why this happened in counseling and decide over time what you want/need to do.

I would say when the man finds out the wife has cheated they do more often end the marriage for that reason. You wouldn’t find as many people saying if she is remorseful and does the hard work to stay and forgive and take the high road. Do agree though that OP needs to explore in counseling why it happened and then go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well looks like you needed to worry less about being the same size as when you were married and more about the fact that you married a cheating d bag.

I’m not worried about what size I am. I only mentioned it because when I’ve read these threads about cheating spouses, someone always posts about how the wife getting fat/looking old/changing her appearance in any way contributed to the husband’s need to have sex with someone else and since I’m already feeling like shit, I wanted to head that off by stating that this has nothing to do with me not looking like the person he married.

[Anonymous]

This sucks. He’s a jerk. I don’t think I’d ever be able to trust again. You deserve so much better. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

I would never be able to forgive this, OP.

And I agree with the others that it’s way worse than a one night stand and that the reason he told you is almost certainly that someone saw him and threatened to tell you if he didn’t. If he actually had a conscience he couldn’t have done what he did, he had a week to feel bad and evidently didn’t. He actually sounds like a sociopath.

Good luck to you. And get tested for STDs

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't necessarily divorce. It might be that he was acting on some fantasy and is truly remorseful.
He needs to explain why he did this and why he thinks it won't happen again.
I would wait and see how you feel in a few weeks.
But you do need to go to the doctor and get tested, and your husband needs to do that as well.

[Anonymous]

He is lying. He has been seeing this woman for a while. He was brazen enough to take her to dinner where people he knows could see. He came “clean” with a half story to save his ass. Does he work a lot/late? Trips? My XH’s purported one night thing was a mistress of 5 years and it turns out he had several other side pieces. I hired a PI. I assume you have already asked to see his phone and email (home and work) and he has given you full access?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here, so sorry you are going through with this, OP.

He is am ass for doing it and a bigger ass for telling you. It's not going to make you feel better but most accomplished men have done what your DH did at least once in their marriage but they are smart enough not to get caught or to confess. So you get the emotional turmoil of being married to a cheater while your friends whose husband's have done the same or worse get to be married and blissfully unaware.

I hope you are not married.

?? Of course I am married, and have seen upteen married men cheat at some point over a long marriage. It doesn't make it right, it just makes it common. And I agree with an upthread poster that many people will cheer on divorce but wouldn't do it if it were their marriage.

[Anonymous]

I think OP can beat herself up forever trying to figure out why this happened but the root answer is usually as simple as 1) he has a sex drive 2) he is tempted by other women as are all men (yes all, not most, all) 3) he gave into the temptation.

If this is his one and only mistake, I would argue he is good at monogamy. He clearly wants to stay married as he confessed. Whether he is an otherwise good guy, who knows, I am not married to him.

[Anonymous]

OP, don’t leave. Unless you want to. Realize that your former marriage is over. The one that you had before is gone. It can never be, again. But you can have a new marriage - if you want. One where monogamy isn’t a rule. It can’t be because his trust is forever broken when it comes to sex with others. You can’t go back. The toothpaste is already out - it won’t go back in no matter how hard you try. A new marriage is different. It can be hard. But, if you want to stay with DH, you need to begin anew and go in without blinders.

However, monogamy may be a must for you. If it is, you’ll need to move on.

[Anonymous]

Life is complicated. End of story.

[Anonymous]

What are the dynamics...you both WOH? Similar incomes? How many kids/ages? Both split parenting duties evenly? Sadly, the only women I know who stay when they have a cheating DH donit because of fear of the financial consequences of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What situation left to the one night stand? Work conference or something?

I was out of town with the kids for a kids’ sports thing and he went for a drink, met a woman who said she was in a committed yet open relationship, got her number...made a plan and the following week, came home late from what I thought was a work thing. He told me a week after that. He took her out to dinner and drinks at a place not very far from our house!

This was not a sudden moment of weakness type of thing. You deserve better. And please get yourself tested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP can beat herself up forever trying to figure out why this happened but the root answer is usually as simple as 1) he has a sex drive 2) he is tempted by other women as are all men (yes all, not most, all) 3) he gave into the temptation.

If this is his one and only mistake, I would argue he is good at monogamy. He clearly wants to stay married as he confessed. Whether he is an otherwise good guy, who knows, I am not married to him.

And if OP had a night with some guy would you say the same?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here, so sorry you are going through with this, OP.

He is am ass for doing it and a bigger ass for telling you. It's not going to make you feel better but most accomplished men have done what your DH did at least once in their marriage but they are smart enough not to get caught or to confess. So you get the emotional turmoil of being married to a cheater while your friends whose husband's have done the same or worse get to be married and blissfully unaware.

No, most “accomplished” men have not done this. WTF.

+1
Quality men do not behave like this.