First X-Mas as blended family off to terrible start

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, older men don't really want to spend time with their grandkids based on my observations. Even if he and OP hadnt married, it wouldn't mean that the 29yo DD acquired a male Mary Poppins for her brood. Their resentment about less time for the grandkids doesnt make sense. Older men see their grandkids, coo over them for an hour and give them back. They are not playing grandma.

But this older man seems to feel it is very important that all his kids and grandkids appear for Christmas. If they come and he isn’t spending time with them, that’s something they (kids and gramps) need to work out, without new grandma going anywhere near it.

New grandma can: make the kids and grandkids welcome in her home. Which it seems she is trying to Maybe not 17 at once though. But maybe welcome visits on one of the first kids and their kid (s) at a time. And while they visit, give gramps space to spend time with the grandkids if he chooses. Which means not guilt tripping him if he takes his grandchildren to a movie, and not her kid or grandkids. If he chooses not to, he needs to work that out with the kids. It also means letting him visit his kids sometimes one on one. And not begrudging the time away from Family 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, older men don't really want to spend time with their grandkids based on my observations. Even if he and OP hadnt married, it wouldn't mean that the 29yo DD acquired a male Mary Poppins for her brood. Their resentment about less time for the grandkids doesnt make sense. Older men see their grandkids, coo over them for an hour and give them back. They are not playing grandma.

In your family, I guess. That is hardly universal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, older men don't really want to spend time with their grandkids based on my observations. Even if he and OP hadnt married, it wouldn't mean that the 29yo DD acquired a male Mary Poppins for her brood. Their resentment about less time for the grandkids doesnt make sense. Older men see their grandkids, coo over them for an hour and give them back. They are not playing grandma.

In your family, I guess. That is hardly universal.

Sad for PP. My dad (and his younger wife) spend a ton of time with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, older men don't really want to spend time with their grandkids based on my observations. Even if he and OP hadnt married, it wouldn't mean that the 29yo DD acquired a male Mary Poppins for her brood. Their resentment about less time for the grandkids doesnt make sense. Older men see their grandkids, coo over them for an hour and give them back. They are not playing grandma.

But this older man seems to feel it is very important that all his kids and grandkids appear for Christmas. If they come and he isn’t spending time with them, that’s something they (kids and gramps) need to work out, without new grandma going anywhere near it.

New grandma can: make the kids and grandkids welcome in her home. Which it seems she is trying to Maybe not 17 at once though. But maybe welcome visits on one of the first kids and their kid (s) at a time. And while they visit, give gramps space to spend time with the grandkids if he chooses. Which means not guilt tripping him if he takes his grandchildren to a movie, and not her kid or grandkids. If he chooses not to, he needs to work that out with the kids. It also means letting him visit his kids sometimes one on one. And not begrudging the time away from Family 2.

Why are you convinced that OP has been guilt tripping her husband? Stop projecting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, older men don't really want to spend time with their grandkids based on my observations. Even if he and OP hadnt married, it wouldn't mean that the 29yo DD acquired a male Mary Poppins for her brood. Their resentment about less time for the grandkids doesnt make sense. Older men see their grandkids, coo over them for an hour and give them back. They are not playing grandma.

In your family, I guess. That is hardly universal.

Sad for PP. My dad (and his younger wife) spend a ton of time with my kids.

Yes, and he probably relies on her to do the actual legwork like bringing the kids to the bathroom if they're out in public. Dealing with children is largely seen as women's work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, older men don't really want to spend time with their grandkids based on my observations. Even if he and OP hadnt married, it wouldn't mean that the 29yo DD acquired a male Mary Poppins for her brood. Their resentment about less time for the grandkids doesnt make sense. Older men see their grandkids, coo over them for an hour and give them back. They are not playing grandma.

In your family, I guess. That is hardly universal.

Sad for PP. My dad (and his younger wife) spend a ton of time with my kids.

Yes, and he probably relies on her to do the actual legwork like bringing the kids to the bathroom if they're out in public. Dealing with children is largely seen as women's work.

Nope. My dad is very progressive and scorns men who are squeamish or evade parenting responsibilities. He was raised in a large family and has never batted an eye at diapers or any other caregiving task.

[Anonymous]

You and your spouse broke your original families and then got together. Your punishment for causing pain to everyone is that your blended family will always harbor resentment! You have lost your family. Sorry but your own fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your spouse broke your original families and then got together. Your punishment for causing pain to everyone is that your blended family will always harbor resentment! You have lost your family. Sorry but your own fault.

Girl, you read?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, don't force it. Like having a new baby at 43 with a grandpa seems a little forced when you both have children.

This! Sorry but true.

+2. What I have been thinking all thread. WTAF OP? You married someone 20-25 years your senior. Brought two young kids into the marriage. Then had a baby with him (with help? Not always easy to get pregnant at 42 naturally). And are surprised Holidays Chez Trump went badly? Come on. This was bound to go badly.

Also, if you actually want things to go smoother, PPs have a point. It must be tough that their mother isn’t there to be grandma, and now their dad has three new little kids to dote on, instead of his grandkids. If you actually want to find a way to make things better for your DH, then help him find a way to be more involved with the first round of kids and grandkids. For example, maybe he could take each of his kids, and their kids, somewhere fun for a long weekend each year— Disney, NYC, etc. As the grandkids get older, have them come to your house for a few days in the summer, and give their parents some time off. They can get to know their half/ step grand siblings and also be sure spend some one on one time with their grandfather. Everyone there at once is impossible demands on your DH’s attention, and setting it up to fail.

Disagree. Why must OP be burdened with making family relationships easier for her DH?

Uhh, because the original family came first?

[Anonymous]

"The original family came first". ??? So does this mean that when your children are ADULTS you still can't do what you want with your life? Can't get remarried? Can't have more kids? Again, I understand, as a much older step sister, that one's feelings can be conflicted about this. But you suck it up, respect your elders, and find a way to be polite. Or you don't go.

Parents did right by us by raising us to 18 and then maybe even paying for or helping with college, weddings, first home down payment.... how much more are they expected to sacrifice? How old do I have to be before my parents get a pass to pursue whatever selfish ends they may wish?

Grandparents come in all stripes, some hands-on, some not. I see on this board all the time, "that sucks that grandma doesn't want to babysit but, you gotta accept it. Gma is under no obligation". Neither is OP's husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The original family came first". ??? So does this mean that when your children are ADULTS you still can't do what you want with your life? Can't get remarried? Can't have more kids? Again, I understand, as a much older step sister, that one's feelings can be conflicted about this. But you suck it up, respect your elders, and find a way to be polite. Or you don't go.

Parents did right by us by raising us to 18 and then maybe even paying for or helping with college, weddings, first home down payment.... how much more are they expected to sacrifice? How old do I have to be before my parents get a pass to pursue whatever selfish ends they may wish?

Grandparents come in all stripes, some hands-on, some not. I see on this board all the time, "that sucks that grandma doesn't want to babysit but, you gotta accept it. Gma is under no obligation". Neither is OP's husband.

I don’t respect grandparents who have additional babies. Sure, they can do what they want, but, no, I don’t have to respect them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your spouse broke your original families and then got together. Your punishment for causing pain to everyone is that your blended family will always harbor resentment! You have lost your family. Sorry but your own fault.

NP - While I think this statement is on the extreme side, I agree with the general sentiment that actions have consequences. There is a reason there is an ideal of an intact family. In life, we almost always fall short of ideals. But there is a reason we try to come as close to them as possible. It is dangerous to try to pretend that deviations are somehow just as good, when they are in fact flawed, challenging, and at times unfair to many involved. OP and her DH having an infant is really the icing on the cake of narcissistic self-indulgence and la-la land thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your spouse broke your original families and then got together. Your punishment for causing pain to everyone is that your blended family will always harbor resentment! You have lost your family. Sorry but your own fault.

NP - While I think this statement is on the extreme side, I agree with the general sentiment that actions have consequences. There is a reason there is an ideal of an intact family. In life, we almost always fall short of ideals. But there is a reason we try to come as close to them as possible. It is dangerous to try to pretend that deviations are somehow just as good, when they are in fact flawed, challenging, and at times unfair to many involved. OP and her DH having an infant is really the icing on the cake of narcissistic self-indulgence and la-la land thinking.

I have no comment on OP, don't have a blended family...but, I kind of think this statement applies to all of us who have children, regardless whether it's your 'first' family or not:

having an infant is really the icing on the cake of narcissistic self-indulgence and la-la land thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your spouse broke your original families and then got together. Your punishment for causing pain to everyone is that your blended family will always harbor resentment! You have lost your family. Sorry but your own fault.

NP - While I think this statement is on the extreme side, I agree with the general sentiment that actions have consequences. There is a reason there is an ideal of an intact family. In life, we almost always fall short of ideals. But there is a reason we try to come as close to them as possible. It is dangerous to try to pretend that deviations are somehow just as good, when they are in fact flawed, challenging, and at times unfair to many involved. OP and her DH having an infant is really the icing on the cake of narcissistic self-indulgence and la-la land thinking.

I have no comment on OP, don't have a blended family...but, I kind of think this statement applies to all of us who have children, regardless whether it's your 'first' family or not:

having an infant is really the icing on the cake of narcissistic self-indulgence and la-la land thinking.

It’s environmental given current lifestyles, but all life is driven to procreate. But as a social norm, it’s self-indulgent for Grandpa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your spouse broke your original families and then got together. Your punishment for causing pain to everyone is that your blended family will always harbor resentment! You have lost your family. Sorry but your own fault.

NP - While I think this statement is on the extreme side, I agree with the general sentiment that actions have consequences. There is a reason there is an ideal of an intact family. In life, we almost always fall short of ideals. But there is a reason we try to come as close to them as possible. It is dangerous to try to pretend that deviations are somehow just as good, when they are in fact flawed, challenging, and at times unfair to many involved. OP and her DH having an infant is really the icing on the cake of narcissistic self-indulgence and la-la land thinking.

I have no comment on OP, don't have a blended family...but, I kind of think this statement applies to all of us who have children, regardless whether it's your 'first' family or not:

having an infant is really the icing on the cake of narcissistic self-indulgence and la-la land thinking.

Well, I could not disagree more. Having infants, if you raise them well and they become productive, is generally a great service to society and an enormous load. This particular infant, sadly, will more than likely be a drain on his/her parents who are already stretched thin with responsibilities and be a source of resentment for the existing children.