First X-Mas as blended family off to terrible start

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only people who didn't ever get divorced have the right to make their kids miserable on holidays.

Ha! That's what I was thinking. Considering the number of posts on this site about miserable non-divorced families, MILs, SILs, siblings, etc., I we have to assume this family might be equally unhappy without a divorce in the mix.

[Anonymous]

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There are 9 adults and 8 children in this house.

This sounds like a nightmare even if nobody's puking. Why did you sign up for that? Never do it again!

It was really important to DH to have kids kids and grandkids here. They spent their teen and early adult years at this house, they want to continue the tradition. Last year my two and I went and stayed with my dad who was in bad health. This year we have our 10-month-old so things are different. He desperately wants one big happy family.

Too bad. I always find it so ridiculous and selfish when people involved have divorce and remarriage and half-siblings to expect the kids to be all kumbayah about it, especially before a long period (ie, years) of adjustment has happened. DH and OP asked for this mess.

NP: The divorce took place when the 29-year-old was a child. The dad was single for most of her teen and adult life. How much more adjustment should there be?

+1

Also, sounds like OP’s DH is the one with unrealistic expectations, and OP just expects to be treated marginally well in her own home.

Your SD sounds like a spoiled brat who is upset Daddy finally moved on after being divorced for two decades. Knuckle thru the holidays, don’t give SD any ammunition against you and try to get out of DH’s blended fantasy next year.

C’mon! The DH’s first set of kids grew up as a family unit with their Dad as their Dad, and their relationship evolved to the point where they are now adults ready to have kids, and instead of Dad rolling into the ‘usual’ role of Granddad to their kids he is now — surprise! — Dad to a new generation of kid.

It’s not technically wrong on anyone’s part, but it had to throw the first set of kids’ expectations for a loop. That’s a biggg adjustment, and it’s unfair to those kids to pretend like it shouldn’t be.

Disagree. Adult kids are spoiled brats. They are entitled to FEEL however they want, but not BEHAVE however they want. If I were dad I'd tell them to get with the program or they will not be invited back. Unkindness to his new wife when they did nothing wrong is not acceptable.

Yeah, don't get it. They're damn adults and it's not like OP was having an affair with their dad while parents married or something. Trust me, I know. They need to grow the eff up.and stop acting like little punks.

Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. The OP and her DH are cluelessly and selfishly demanding a command performance of Fake Happy Family so they can feel like everyone validates their choices. If they back off a bit and have realistic expectations it may go better. And +1 to the idea that the grandkids are getting less grandfather time. That is the reality and you cannot expect their parents to be happy about it.

Remember, OP, if you push them too hard they may stop attending holidays at your house. Then how will your DH feel?

If you as a 29 year old adult and mother cannot be civil to the hostess of the house,don’t go. It’s just as much on the “kids” and OP and her DH.

[Anonymous]

Again, another thread where people are entitled to feelings but not their behavior.

We teach this to our minor children...life isn't fair sometimes but that doesn't make it okay to blame, abuse, and be otherwise inconsiderate to other people.

Stepdaughter needs to intervene when her son is bullying, not permit her kids to tear up OP and DH's house, and she needs to pitch in because everyone is sick and that's what adults do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, another thread where people are entitled to feelings but not their behavior.

We teach this to our minor children...life isn't fair sometimes but that doesn't make it okay to blame, abuse, and be otherwise inconsiderate to other people.

Stepdaughter needs to intervene when her son is bullying, not permit her kids to tear up OP and DH's house, and she needs to pitch in because everyone is sick and that's what adults do.

And now knowing the dynamics, she needs to spend next Christmas ar her house, perhaps hosting her siblings, and accepting the sucky reality that Dad/Granddad can’t join because he had to focus on Family #2.

At least she was game to try it once.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, don't force it. Like having a new baby at 43 with a grandpa seems a little forced when you both have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, another thread where people are entitled to feelings but not their behavior.

We teach this to our minor children...life isn't fair sometimes but that doesn't make it okay to blame, abuse, and be otherwise inconsiderate to other people.

Stepdaughter needs to intervene when her son is bullying, not permit her kids to tear up OP and DH's house, and she needs to pitch in because everyone is sick and that's what adults do.

And now knowing the dynamics, she needs to spend next Christmas ar her house, perhaps hosting her siblings, and accepting the sucky reality that Dad/Granddad can’t join because he had to focus on Family #2.

At least she was game to try it once.

SD is a guest in someone's house. If she can't be civil than she can't be there over the holidays. This is not an adolescent thirteen year old girl- she is a 29 year old woman. Yes, her dad is going to spend Christmas with his wife and their toddler. It's the SD who is driving the wedge, not the stepmom. I think the sucky reality is when the stepmom drives the separation, but that's not the case here.

If SD finds she simply cannot bear this new reality, she needs to make her own traditions- but that is her choice, not the way that Dad and stepmom want things to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, another thread where people are entitled to feelings but not their behavior.

We teach this to our minor children...life isn't fair sometimes but that doesn't make it okay to blame, abuse, and be otherwise inconsiderate to other people.

Stepdaughter needs to intervene when her son is bullying, not permit her kids to tear up OP and DH's house, and she needs to pitch in because everyone is sick and that's what adults do.

And now knowing the dynamics, she needs to spend next Christmas ar her house, perhaps hosting her siblings, and accepting the sucky reality that Dad/Granddad can’t join because he had to focus on Family #2.

At least she was game to try it once.

HE INVITED THEM TO HIS HOUSE FOR CHRISTMAS. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, another thread where people are entitled to feelings but not their behavior.

We teach this to our minor children...life isn't fair sometimes but that doesn't make it okay to blame, abuse, and be otherwise inconsiderate to other people.

Stepdaughter needs to intervene when her son is bullying, not permit her kids to tear up OP and DH's house, and she needs to pitch in because everyone is sick and that's what adults do.

And now knowing the dynamics, she needs to spend next Christmas ar her house, perhaps hosting her siblings, and accepting the sucky reality that Dad/Granddad can’t join because he had to focus on Family #2.

At least she was game to try it once.

HE INVITED THEM TO HIS HOUSE FOR CHRISTMAS. Good grief.

Correct. And it’s not working. So Kids Group #1, especially irritated SD, would be wise to make a different choice next year and not to have Dad/Granddad be a core part of the plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, another thread where people are entitled to feelings but not their behavior.

We teach this to our minor children...life isn't fair sometimes but that doesn't make it okay to blame, abuse, and be otherwise inconsiderate to other people.

Stepdaughter needs to intervene when her son is bullying, not permit her kids to tear up OP and DH's house, and she needs to pitch in because everyone is sick and that's what adults do.

And now knowing the dynamics, she needs to spend next Christmas ar her house, perhaps hosting her siblings, and accepting the sucky reality that Dad/Granddad can’t join because he had to focus on Family #2.

At least she was game to try it once.

HE INVITED THEM TO HIS HOUSE FOR CHRISTMAS. Good grief.

Correct. And it’s not working. So Kids Group #1, especially irritated SD, would be wise to make a different choice next year and not to have Dad/Granddad be a core part of the plans.

Well, he wanted them to come, it's what he wanted. And I'm sure he meant it in a nice way. But I am skeptical that they wanted it as much as he did. Sounds like traveling was more a gift from them to the DH.

DH should understand that he has made the choice to have a second family and spend less time with his grandchildren. He has the right to do it, but it is not realistic to expect the adult children to be happy about it. He could have married someone his own age instead. It was his choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, don't force it. Like having a new baby at 43 with a grandpa seems a little forced when you both have children.

This! Sorry but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, don't force it. Like having a new baby at 43 with a grandpa seems a little forced when you both have children.

This! Sorry but true.

+1 yep. I'll just say it...he's a little old to be starting a new family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, don't force it. Like having a new baby at 43 with a grandpa seems a little forced when you both have children.

This! Sorry but true.

+1 yep. I'll just say it...he's a little old to be starting a new family.

+2. He’s got to be in his 50’s now. That would throw me for a spin as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like your DH is an idiot. And you should expect things to be difficult when you marry and have children outside your age range. This happens all the time. Older men want the new wife and they agree to more kids, but it is more than they can handle emotionally, logistically, and financially. There is just not enough Dad/Grandpa to go around, and you set things up to be weird by being so close in age to his children. Your child means that the grandchildren will not get the attention from their grandfather that they otherwise would. And their grandmother is dead so it is all the more painful to see them miss out on what could have been. Yes the divorce is in the past, but they are missing out on their grandfather's time and attention in the present. Even more so with the new baby. The loss and grief and complexity of that is happening now.

If you wanted easy holidays you should not have married into a complicated family and made it even more complicated. Remember, you and youe DH chose this and nobody else had a choice. Then you CHOSE to make it even more complicated with another baby. Sorry but that is the reality.

NP. Very thoughtful post, pp. I think you nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, don't force it. Like having a new baby at 43 with a grandpa seems a little forced when you both have children.

This! Sorry but true.

+1 yep. I'll just say it...he's a little old to be starting a new family.

+2. SD is not acting appropriately but OP and her husband have to realize what their actions have done to cause the riff as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like your DH is an idiot. And you should expect things to be difficult when you marry and have children outside your age range. This happens all the time. Older men want the new wife and they agree to more kids, but it is more than they can handle emotionally, logistically, and financially. There is just not enough Dad/Grandpa to go around, and you set things up to be weird by being so close in age to his children. Your child means that the grandchildren will not get the attention from their grandfather that they otherwise would. And their grandmother is dead so it is all the more painful to see them miss out on what could have been. Yes the divorce is in the past, but they are missing out on their grandfather's time and attention in the present. Even more so with the new baby. The loss and grief and complexity of that is happening now.

If you wanted easy holidays you should not have married into a complicated family and made it even more complicated. Remember, you and youe DH chose this and nobody else had a choice. Then you CHOSE to make it even more complicated with another baby. Sorry but that is the reality.

NP. Very thoughtful post, pp. I think you nailed it.

+1 but a lot of people won't want to hear this advice