WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The scale of the cruelty (massive) does not determine the scale of your parental reaction. The coach should kick the instigators off the team. But there's nothing you can do. You need the other adults in this equation to mete out the punishment (which should be massive too).

A coach at a public school won’t be able to punish them for behavior that occurred at a non school event. Not sure if OP’s kid is in private.

Of course, the coach can! Behavior outside of school can definitely impact students' ability to participate in school extra-curriculars. Where have you been?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The scale of the cruelty (massive) does not determine the scale of your parental reaction. The coach should kick the instigators off the team. But there's nothing you can do. You need the other adults in this equation to mete out the punishment (which should be massive too).

A coach at a public school won’t be able to punish them for behavior that occurred at a non school event. Not sure if OP’s kid is in private.

Of course, the coach can! Behavior outside of school can definitely impact students' ability to participate in school extra-curriculars. Where have you been?

Only when it’s illegal (like underaged drinking).

I’m a teacher and I’ve heard of stories like this brought to school (cases of bullying though I don’t think this qualifies unless there is a pattern here) and there was nothing the school could do. They can only punish kids for behavior that occurs at school or on school grounds.

[Anonymous]

What a bunch of assholes. It wasn’t even funny. It was just mean.

[Anonymous]

This is bizarre, I am guessing there was drama between your daughter and other girls on the team well before this event. Who knows what the dynamics were but obviously your daughter was targeted for a reason. In addition, everyone else on team was okay with her not coming either. She must have already been on the periphery of the group. I am curious about what she meant by them being her friends - maybe they were more just teammates. This wasn't a prank...what is the prank part? This was them being catty and mean and not inviting her to a fun event. It isn't bullying either by definition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is bizarre, I am guessing there was drama between your daughter and other girls on the team well before this event. Who knows what the dynamics were but obviously your daughter was targeted for a reason. In addition, everyone else on team was okay with her not coming either. She must have already been on the periphery of the group. I am curious about what she meant by them being her friends - maybe they were more just teammates. This wasn't a prank...what is the prank part? This was them being catty and mean and not inviting her to a fun event. It isn't bullying either by definition.

+1

I agree with all of this.

Also that it would be really bad for your daughter to quit over this. Talk about letting them win. She needs to toughen up and fight back. She doesn’t need to be cruel like them but take the high road and refuse to show weakness.

[Anonymous]

A one off mean prank isn’t bullying unless there is a pattern or history behind it.

I’m not sure what you think the school will be able to do about something that occurred off school grounds at a private event.

Your best bet is talking to the girls’ parents. They were probably told that she was busy or sick or something.

[Anonymous]

Any mention of her on the social media posts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP - is there some kind of a student honor council in your school, where people are brought to for cheating? I could file a complaint there after informing the coach that you intend to pursue that route. Copy the school principal and the assistant principal on the letter of complaint which should include all the emails as well as what your daughter was told in person. You should interview your daughter about the sequence of events, and save it in a dated e-stamped document, to make contemporaneous testimony.

Save this post, too. It is timed and dated.

I would, without a doubt, encourage your daughter to quit the team. If the school does the right thing, the team should be disbanded for the season anyway after this event is made public, or at least the JV should be. The two girls who organized the prank should be made ineligible for school sports, with a note on their transcripts. I would not accept anything less as a parent. If those or similar terms are not met, I would contact the news media .

Also, do not hesitate to contact the celebrity athlete in question. I would fully expect that he or she would want to vindicate the situation.

This is over the top and vindictive. Yes, it was horribly cruel, but the girls involved are nonetheless kids without fully developed brains. It’s one thing to bench them from a few games and another to try to keep them out of college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A one off mean prank isn’t bullying unless there is a pattern or history behind it.

I’m not sure what you think the school will be able to do about something that occurred off school grounds at a private event.

Your best bet is talking to the girls’ parents. They were probably told that she was busy or sick or something.

NP here. You can call it bullying or not, but this was cruel. Nobody needs to prove a pattern. Such a lack of empathy in some adolescents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The scale of the cruelty (massive) does not determine the scale of your parental reaction. The coach should kick the instigators off the team. But there's nothing you can do. You need the other adults in this equation to mete out the punishment (which should be massive too).

A coach at a public school won’t be able to punish them for behavior that occurred at a non school event. Not sure if OP’s kid is in private.

Of course, the coach can! Behavior outside of school can definitely impact students' ability to participate in school extra-curriculars. Where have you been?

Only when it’s illegal (like underaged drinking).

I’m a teacher and I’ve heard of stories like this brought to school (cases of bullying though I don’t think this qualifies unless there is a pattern here) and there was nothing the school could do. They can only punish kids for behavior that occurs at school or on school grounds.

NP: if the school is private, then its handbooks and policies almost certainly have a clause indicating that out of school activities can and do qualify for punishment or consequences by the school.

OP, I am an educator with 30+ years of experience at all levels (including administration, including universities plus PreK-12 and admissions for a highly-selective LAC). This is one of the most egregious situations (short of physical abuse) about which I have heard and at every institution at which I have been would have incurred consequences.

The school needs to know as does the coach; it won't be pretty and I doubt the two leaders will change their behavior...but it will send a message to the other teammates and other athletes and students. This was lying on top of everything else and depending on the school thus also a potential honor code violation in addition to bullying and behavior violating athletic team standards....It has to be called out.

So sorry for your DD and your own pain too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

It's bullying- it's egregious behavior. It doesn't matter if it happened only once- it's serious enough to constitute bullying. Saying "I don't like your shirt" once is not bullying. Deliberately excluding a team member from a highly anticipated team event and roping in the cooperation of the entire group, is bullying.

If it were me, I would contact the coach, but not the parents. Sometimes you have to be the "parent" and stand up for what is right. It's not about punishment or consequences, it's a teachable moment from a coach about sportsmanship. If the "team" is acting this way, they are not a team and the coach should know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A one off mean prank isn’t bullying unless there is a pattern or history behind it.

I’m not sure what you think the school will be able to do about something that occurred off school grounds at a private event.

Your best bet is talking to the girls’ parents. They were probably told that she was busy or sick or something.

This is not the definition of bullying, PP. It can absolutely be a one-time thing WITH EACH VICTIM. It will be difficult to know how many victims these queen bee girls may have bullied already, and how many will be next... if OP doesn't make a point.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are understandably upset...and I think this absolutely needs a resolution beyond your DD just acting like it didn't happen. But you are getting extreme advice in both directions.

I would approach the coach and tell them exactly what happened in a factual way. I would then tell them that it is impacting your DD's desire to remain on the team. Any decent HS coach should understand that building up teamwork is way more valuable than supporting the two "stars" to make everyone else feel "less than". It's also a terrible way to run a winning team.

To me, an ideal resolution would be the coach explaining exactly what was wrong to the pranksters and their providing a genuine apology to your DD. Coach should also remain vigilant that this kind of exclusionary behavior not happen again. Kicking the pranksters off the team doesn't teach them anything, and they are likely to bully again. In your DD's shoes, I wouldn't want to be the cause of breaking up the team...unless the pranksters refuse to recognize what they did wrong and continue to create a toxic team environment.

If the coach doesn't take your concerns seriously, then I would escalate further in the school and/or apporach the parents.

[Anonymous]

Can you or your daughter reach out to the star of the meet and greet on social media? I'm sorry that happened to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP - is there some kind of a student honor council in your school, where people are brought to for cheating? I could file a complaint there after informing the coach that you intend to pursue that route. Copy the school principal and the assistant principal on the letter of complaint which should include all the emails as well as what your daughter was told in person. You should interview your daughter about the sequence of events, and save it in a dated e-stamped document, to make contemporaneous testimony.

Save this post, too. It is timed and dated.

I would, without a doubt, encourage your daughter to quit the team. If the school does the right thing, the team should be disbanded for the season anyway after this event is made public, or at least the JV should be. The two girls who organized the prank should be made ineligible for school sports, with a note on their transcripts. I would not accept anything less as a parent. If those or similar terms are not met, I would contact the news media .

Also, do not hesitate to contact the celebrity athlete in question. I would fully expect that he or she would want to vindicate the situation.

This is over the top and vindictive. Yes, it was horribly cruel, but the girls involved are nonetheless kids without fully developed brains. It’s one thing to bench them from a few games and another to try to keep them out of college.

DP. Even if it's true that kicking them off the team (with a note about why) is enough to keep them out of college, what is wrong with that? They're little witches. Why does OP owe them entry to the college of their choice? You think their colleges would want them if they knew their personalities? And by behaving the way they have been, they are the ones trying to get OP's DD to quit the team and potentially reduce HER chances at admission to a college of her choice.

There's nothing wrong with pushing for consequences. Would you say that a boy who attacked a girl shouldn't be reported because we don't want to affect his chance at college applications?

Bullying is totally out of control, and people tolerating it is what lets it stay that way.