WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, so very sorry to hear what these girls did to your daughter. This is bullying.

You need to write an email to all parents and the coach. Please write about how shocked and devastated your daughter was, how this is bullying, how she will continue to be on the team if she wants to, how you think the coach and parents need to intervene to build up the team and not tolerate the mean behavior.

End by saying - you are there to support your daughter because she is the one who was wronged and devastated. You are watching carefully to see what the steps the coach and parents will take to make you decide if you and your daughter are a part of this community or not.

DO NOT include any parents until you have spoken to the coach and principal yourself.

Those parents will cluster to protect their children from consequences and the easiest way to do that is to paint your daughter as mistaken or unreliable. Don’t give them a heads up until you have a firm plan in place with the coaches. Also, if you alert the parents they will coach their daughters on what to say so they don’t get in trouble. The best way to get to the truth is for the coach to talk to each girl individually.

Don’t show your hand to people who only stand to lose by this coming out.

Please listen to this poster. It is absolutely bullying, and you should address it calmly and strategically. Hopefully the coach will take care of it; if not, raise it to the principal without getting other parents involved.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely can’t contact the school if your daughter doesn’t want you to. In the long run, you want your daughter’s trust. Have a long talk with her, find out if your daughter has been an outsider in this team or if this the first time they have done this. That would be hard to just give up on a sport.

You really have to look at all the possible outcomes. Look, what if dd agrees for you to talk to the coach, and all that happens is the girls apologize and stay on the team? That wouldn’t be good for your dd.

I would try something behind the scenes (if your dd agrees) to talk to the coach and keep it quiet to get your dd on varsity and the two mean girls stay on jv.

[Anonymous]

I'd email the arranger mom and let her know how thoughtful it was to arrange such an exciting event for the team. I'd then say something about it being too bad Larla received the wrong information and didn't get to attend. I'd end with something about hoping their would be future opportunities for the girls to meet other stars of the sport because it looks like the other girls really enjoyed it.

If she didn't know about the prank, it is enough for her to question you or her daughter about Larla receiving the wrong information without knowing for sure if you calling her out or just letting her know how great it was for her to arrange something so special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd email the arranger mom and let her know how thoughtful it was to arrange such an exciting event for the team. I'd then say something about it being too bad Larla received the wrong information and didn't get to attend. I'd end with something about hoping their would be future opportunities for the girls to meet other stars of the sport because it looks like the other girls really enjoyed it.

If she didn't know about the prank, it is enough for her to question you or her daughter about Larla receiving the wrong information without knowing for sure if you calling her out or just letting her know how great it was for her to arrange something so special.

Excellent advice!

[Anonymous]

The number of people who believe that parents of aggrieved parents can dictate punishment is ridiculous. You can demand that the school address the issue, but you can’t tell the school what the punishment t should be.

[Anonymous]

They didn't invite the coach?
Why wouldn't they invite the coach to the team event to meet someone famous in their sport?

Also, this wasn't a prank. This was excluding one kid. A prank is a joke that has some sort of punchline-even if embarrassing or misguided.

I like the advice from the pp above. Passive aggressive masterpiece!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

Way to blame the victim.

What we should be teaching our children is how to treat people kindly. And to speak out against jerks.

I hope you don’t have kids because it seems likely yours would be the ones dreaming this cruelty up.

Not having mommy call everyone and embarrass you isn’t victim blaming. OP’s daughter already said she didn’t want her to say anything. Let’s betray that and make her feel dumb again...OK makes sense.

Raise strong girls who rise above and don’t need mommy to step in. Strong girls who either advocate for themselves in a manner they see fit or strong girls who prefer to put on a brave face and be UNBOTHERED which is the best thing to do with a “bully.”

THE END.

Parents like you raise bullies.

THE END.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The scale of the cruelty (massive) does not determine the scale of your parental reaction. The coach should kick the instigators off the team. But there's nothing you can do. You need the other adults in this equation to mete out the punishment (which should be massive too).

A coach at a public school won’t be able to punish them for behavior that occurred at a non school event. Not sure if OP’s kid is in private.

Of course, the coach can! Behavior outside of school can definitely impact students' ability to participate in school extra-curriculars. Where have you been?

Only when it’s illegal (like underaged drinking).

I’m a teacher and I’ve heard of stories like this brought to school (cases of bullying though I don’t think this qualifies unless there is a pattern here) and there was nothing the school could do. They can only punish kids for behavior that occurs at school or on school grounds.

NP: if the school is private, then its handbooks and policies almost certainly have a clause indicating that out of school activities can and do qualify for punishment or consequences by the school.

OP, I am an educator with 30+ years of experience at all levels (including administration, including universities plus PreK-12 and admissions for a highly-selective LAC). This is one of the most egregious situations (short of physical abuse) about which I have heard and at every institution at which I have been would have incurred consequences.

The school needs to know as does the coach; it won't be pretty and I doubt the two leaders will change their behavior...but it will send a message to the other teammates and other athletes and students. This was lying on top of everything else and depending on the school thus also a potential honor code violation in addition to bullying and behavior violating athletic team standards....It has to be called out.

So sorry for your DD and your own pain too.

I am not buying the bolded part.

There is no way that this is the most egregious examples of bullying that you have ever heard of in 30+ years of education, unless your 30+ years was in preschool or early childhood education.

This is horribly mean, but by no means an example of the most egregious bullying ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd email the arranger mom and let her know how thoughtful it was to arrange such an exciting event for the team. I'd then say something about it being too bad Larla received the wrong information and didn't get to attend. I'd end with something about hoping their would be future opportunities for the girls to meet other stars of the sport because it looks like the other girls really enjoyed it.

If she didn't know about the prank, it is enough for her to question you or her daughter about Larla receiving the wrong information without knowing for sure if you calling her out or just letting her know how great it was for her to arrange something so special.

"...hoping there would be future opportunities for the girls to meet other stars of the sport"?? You sound like a total social climber. Ew.

And it's got NOTHING to do with the other mom. What do you want? For her to yell at her daughter? You seriously think she's raised a teen girl and has no idea she's a b!tch? No way. Girls like that are always a product of their upbringing. She won't care at all, and even if she did, it doesn't help OP's DD at all.

The only thing that would help OP's DD is to get the girls kicked off the team for gross unsportsmanlike behavior. That would help her because she could relax that the mean(est) girls are gone and be able to focus on building relationships with the other girls and getting the trust back so they can be actually successful in their sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd email the arranger mom and let her know how thoughtful it was to arrange such an exciting event for the team. I'd then say something about it being too bad Larla received the wrong information and didn't get to attend. I'd end with something about hoping their would be future opportunities for the girls to meet other stars of the sport because it looks like the other girls really enjoyed it.

If she didn't know about the prank, it is enough for her to question you or her daughter about Larla receiving the wrong information without knowing for sure if you calling her out or just letting her know how great it was for her to arrange something so special.

Excellent advice!

No it isn't. This is HS, not elementary school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd email the arranger mom and let her know how thoughtful it was to arrange such an exciting event for the team. I'd then say something about it being too bad Larla received the wrong information and didn't get to attend. I'd end with something about hoping their would be future opportunities for the girls to meet other stars of the sport because it looks like the other girls really enjoyed it.

If she didn't know about the prank, it is enough for her to question you or her daughter about Larla receiving the wrong information without knowing for sure if you calling her out or just letting her know how great it was for her to arrange something so special.

"...hoping there would be future opportunities for the girls to meet other stars of the sport"?? You sound like a total social climber. Ew.

And it's got NOTHING to do with the other mom. What do you want? For her to yell at her daughter? You seriously think she's raised a teen girl and has no idea she's a b!tch? No way. Girls like that are always a product of their upbringing. She won't care at all, and even if she did, it doesn't help OP's DD at all.

The only thing that would help OP's DD is to get the girls kicked off the team for gross unsportsmanlike behavior. That would help her because she could relax that the mean(est) girls are gone and be able to focus on building relationships with the other girls and getting the trust back so they can be actually successful in their sport.

How on earth does getting the girls kicked off the team help OPs daughter?

You don't know as much about teen girls, high school and social media as you think you do.

Are you the poster who wants to keep the girls out of college over this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back, this has been so helpful, thank you all for posting. Here are some of my takeaways:

This really was bullying.

Not saying something would force my DD to "keep the peace" and essentially be a victim twice.

OK to tell coach because this is unsportsmanlike behavior and he should know that two teammates are bullying other(s).

She gets to decide whether to stay or go.

Other parents may or may not have known.

Arranger-Parent likely wouldn't care.

Did I get all that right? Anything else?

Your daughter gets to decide what to do, not mama bear (no matter what you are thinking).

I'm sorry this happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is bizarre, I am guessing there was drama between your daughter and other girls on the team well before this event. Who knows what the dynamics were but obviously your daughter was targeted for a reason. In addition, everyone else on team was okay with her not coming either. She must have already been on the periphery of the group. I am curious about what she meant by them being her friends - maybe they were more just teammates. This wasn't a prank...what is the prank part? This was them being catty and mean and not inviting her to a fun event. It isn't bullying either by definition.

Mother of the bully has found the thread, and she’s in panic mode.

[Anonymous]

I think I would approach the coach, but not seeking him to get involved or say anything. Just to have him be aware and keep a closer eye on things. I would let him know that your daughter asked you not to discuss it with others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is bizarre, I am guessing there was drama between your daughter and other girls on the team well before this event. Who knows what the dynamics were but obviously your daughter was targeted for a reason. In addition, everyone else on team was okay with her not coming either. She must have already been on the periphery of the group. I am curious about what she meant by them being her friends - maybe they were more just teammates. This wasn't a prank...what is the prank part? This was them being catty and mean and not inviting her to a fun event. It isn't bullying either by definition.

Mother of the bully has found the thread, and she’s in panic mode.

No kidding. It "must" have been the victim's fault because "obviously" she had done something to them first. Unbelievable.