WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

Way to blame the victim.

What we should be teaching our children is how to treat people kindly. And to speak out against jerks.

I hope you don’t have kids because it seems likely yours would be the ones dreaming this cruelty up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

Way to blame the victim.

What we should be teaching our children is how to treat people kindly. And to speak out against jerks.

I hope you don’t have kids because it seems likely yours would be the ones dreaming this cruelty up.

Not having mommy call everyone and embarrass you isn’t victim blaming. OP’s daughter already said she didn’t want her to say anything. Let’s betray that and make her feel dumb again...OK makes sense.

Raise strong girls who rise above and don’t need mommy to step in. Strong girls who either advocate for themselves in a manner they see fit or strong girls who prefer to put on a brave face and be UNBOTHERED which is the best thing to do with a “bully.”

THE END.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

Way to blame the victim.

What we should be teaching our children is how to treat people kindly. And to speak out against jerks.

I hope you don’t have kids because it seems likely yours would be the ones dreaming this cruelty up.

Not having mommy call everyone and embarrass you isn’t victim blaming. OP’s daughter already said she didn’t want her to say anything. Let’s betray that and make her feel dumb again...OK makes sense.

Raise strong girls who rise above and don’t need mommy to step in. Strong girls who either advocate for themselves in a manner they see fit or strong girls who prefer to put on a brave face and be UNBOTHERED which is the best thing to do with a “bully.”

THE END.

You’re a moron giving terrible advice.

THE END.

[Anonymous]

The other parent didn’t know, in all likelihood.
Tell the coach.
Tell your DD to keep her chin up, keep up with the sport, and be cordial but untrusting of the two main bullies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

Way to blame the victim.

What we should be teaching our children is how to treat people kindly. And to speak out against jerks.

I hope you don’t have kids because it seems likely yours would be the ones dreaming this cruelty up.

Not having mommy call everyone and embarrass you isn’t victim blaming. OP’s daughter already said she didn’t want her to say anything. Let’s betray that and make her feel dumb again...OK makes sense.

Raise strong girls who rise above and don’t need mommy to step in. Strong girls who either advocate for themselves in a manner they see fit or strong girls who prefer to put on a brave face and be UNBOTHERED which is the best thing to do with a “bully.”

THE END.

You’re a moron giving terrible advice.

THE END.

OP, I hope you’re still reading. These responses are exactly why you do NOT contact a single parent until you’ve reached an acceptable solution with coach and principal. I guarantee at least one bully kids parents are like this and many others will happily go along with their version of events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

"I've pranked people" is bully-code for "I'm a bully". You should be ashamed of yourself. And the fact that you're still friends with other mean girls as an adult doesn't make you look any better.

Forgive us for not taking your advice seriously.

[Anonymous]

Op back -- I had to leave a couple of hours ago to, yes, pick up my DD from practice (no news from today) and then get dinner on the table. I will start back around page 4 and get up to speed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other parent didn’t know, in all likelihood.
Tell the coach.
Tell your DD to keep her chin up, keep up with the sport, and be cordial but untrusting of the two main bullies.

I agree that none of the parents were in on it, and probably most of the girls, for that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

"I've pranked people" is bully-code for "I'm a bully". You should be ashamed of yourself. And the fact that you're still friends with other mean girls as an adult doesn't make you look any better.

Forgive us for not taking your advice seriously.

I’ve had my underwear taken out of my bag and frozen at parties. I’ve had my underwear taken out of my bag in the locker room and hung up where everyone can see. But I’m not afraid to say that I too had my own part in doing things. I never said I was perfect. But I do totally understand being a target and being humiliated and mortified. Don’t get it twisted, lady. And like someone else mentioned, how are we so sure OP’s daughter wouldn’t have gone along with it if she wasn’t the target of this prank?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back, this has been so helpful, thank you all for posting. Here are some of my takeaways:

This really was bullying.

Not saying something would force my DD to "keep the peace" and essentially be a victim twice.

OK to tell coach because this is unsportsmanlike behavior and he should know that two teammates are bullying other(s).

She gets to decide whether to stay or go.

Other parents may or may not have known.

Arranger-Parent likely wouldn't care.

Did I get all that right? Anything else?

Yes to all of the above. I would also talk to the principal and maybe her school counselor. I haven’t experienced anything like this but whenever issues have arisen I’ve been very pleased with the response of our principal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

"I've pranked people" is bully-code for "I'm a bully". You should be ashamed of yourself. And the fact that you're still friends with other mean girls as an adult doesn't make you look any better.

Forgive us for not taking your advice seriously.

I’ve had my underwear taken out of my bag and frozen at parties. I’ve had my underwear taken out of my bag in the locker room and hung up where everyone can see. But I’m not afraid to say that I too had my own part in doing things. I never said I was perfect. But I do totally understand being a target and being humiliated and mortified. Don’t get it twisted, lady. And like someone else mentioned, how are we so sure OP’s daughter wouldn’t have gone along with it if she wasn’t the target of this prank?

I can see that it's hard for you to understand this, but most people are not mean girl bullies. It's not that they are "afraid to say" that they did things, they just genuinely didn't do those types of things.

And having your underwear frozen at a party (not that I'm saying it's acceptable in the slightest) is not in the same realm as being on a high school sports team and being the only person deliberately excluded from what is described as a once-in-a-lifetime event for these girls - not to mention an integral team bonding event that they'll probably be remembering and talking about for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Eh I think you are way blowing this out of proportion. Yes it was mean, yes it was cruel. These girls are not her friends. But this is actually a really good learning opportunity for her. Lots of assholes in the world and your DD needs to learn how to fight her own battles.

I can 100% guarantee coach will be sympathetic yet powerless and the parents will be indifferent if not defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The scale of the cruelty (massive) does not determine the scale of your parental reaction. The coach should kick the instigators off the team. But there's nothing you can do. You need the other adults in this equation to mete out the punishment (which should be massive too).

A coach at a public school won’t be able to punish them for behavior that occurred at a non school event. Not sure if OP’s kid is in private.

[Anonymous]

This is obviously going to affect your child’s relationships on the team, the camaraderie, and quite possibly her work ethic. As a coach I would want to know that to anticipate
issues - and impose consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The scale of the cruelty (massive) does not determine the scale of your parental reaction. The coach should kick the instigators off the team. But there's nothing you can do. You need the other adults in this equation to mete out the punishment (which should be massive too).

A coach at a public school won’t be able to punish them for behavior that occurred at a non school event. Not sure if OP’s kid is in private.

Even if the coach kicked them off the team, it wouldn’t stick, if their parents complained. Likely the AD or principal would reverse the decision.