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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your issue is that you use amount of sex to determine your self worth. You were socialized to think that the amount of sex you have determines your self worth.

This is not healthy, it's maladaptive.

You need to learn to disconnect the two.[/quote]

I think that's a gross oversimplification that ignores the deeply personal nature of the rejection between married couples.  There are literally billions of women in the world who don't want to have sex with me.  And while I'd love to have some of the attributes that might change that, fame, great wealth, six-pack abs, a magnetic personality, or whatever, ... , I don't feel devalued or less worthy in any way because of their opinion of my ****ability.  Except for the woman that married me.

This is the person that knows you best communicating to you [b]that some fault or defect in your character or behavior is so egregious that he or she is now so indifferent to you that he or she no longer wishes to connect [/b]in the way you once did.  To be clear, I'm talking about a decrease in frequency or even enthusiasm due to age or stress or exhaustion because of different circumstances.  I think most pursuing partners recognize that and have no illusions that sex will be unchanged from when they were dating.  I'm talking about when one partner is essentially drawing his or her line in the sand and refusing to even consider any changes at all.

I understand that in this situation the pursuing partner needs to try to work on his or her own self-worth.  To make changes for his or her own sakes.  But I think its deeply naive to ignore how difficult that project is when in a relationship with that dynamic.    In most situations where one partner is engaging in behavior that makes the other partner feel crappy, the advice is two-fold.  Recognize your self-worth, yes.  But also, leave the dysfunctional and/or abusive relationship.  This situation is pretty unique in my experience in being one where many, many people (including professionals in the field) counsel to recognize your self-worth and then expect the dysfunction to resolve itself organically.  [/quote]

If your spouse is saying your faults as their reason for not having sex they are also maladaptive and need counseling. If you believe that it is your fault that your spouse does not want sex you have issue and individual counseling can help you.

Your problem is not that you are not having sex your problem is that your spouse is blaming you for their problems.  That is abusive. You are in an abusive relationship if you spouse says "Im not having sex until you fix A, B and C."

It's not abusive if you spouse says, "I can't have sex because I have cancer and my body doesn't work right now" or "I have depression and I have flashbacks to my childhood abuse" .... but if you spouse says "you are too fat" "You don't make enough money" "you don't &lt;fill in the blank&gt;" you are being abused. [/quote]

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