Sexless Marriage Question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like you have it about right.

In my experience, sexless marriages where it is not mutual (and that certainly happens), or if it is not caused by medical issues (and the left in the cold partner is actually being a decent person and taking care of their ill spouse) the marriage usually ends. It is not, and cannot be, a permanent end state.

The reduced enthusiasm for sex in my marriage coincided with her emotional and then physical affair with a colleague. It is clear she lost the attraction to me first after ten years of marriage and kids, etc., then rekindled her sexual feelings for someone else.

I believe it is usually something like this that is happening.

I often wonder if this is what's going on with my DW. How did you find out?

My instincts were going over time and I could just tell something was up, so I did some snooping and found she had emails with him. I figured out how to review phone text message statement and it showed tons of communications. I confronted her, there were the initial denials, etc. The rest is for another thread! Good luck, five years later, I am re-coupled and life is good! "It gets better."

Unfortunately, in my case, her phone is provided through her employer so I don't have access to the bill. She's very close hold with it and doesn't sync her ipad with it so it would be harder for me to dig deeper.

Grab it when she puts it in the charger some time, before the screen lock sets in. Lock yourself in the bathroom and get reading. Forward emails to yourself then delete them from the sent folder.

Sounds like you've done this before...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am probably in what you all would call a sexless marriage (maybe once a month). Married over 20 years, currently have 2 teens. Early in our marriage, I wanted it way more than DH. Now, we are reversed. Why? I am in peri-menapause, have gained 30 pounds this year (eat clean/healthy, work out 5 days / week, my body has just changed on me suddenly, and it sucks). This makes me self conscious, depressed, etc. I do not like my body, so I assume no one else would either. Not to mention the teens have issues that we are dealing with. Constantly. It's draining.

I love my DH, I am just not in a place (physically, emitionally) to want to have sex. Definitely no interest in sex with anyone else either (including myself).

DH here, you may be my wife (probably not, but similar situation). We have it 1-2x a month but it sucks, it's a mercy session which leaves me feeling worse, but if I say no she also gets mad that I don't just do it.

I have a female friend who has expressed interest in me, I think I can pull it off with her without getting caught. Wonder if PP would be ok with her DH getting in quietly on the side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think sexless marriages are more common in DC and the surrounding areas than other parts of the country? I knew my DW and I had different libidos when we were dating and engaged, but I'm hoping that a complete lack of sex isn't down the road in a few years. I've said I can't live like that.

I think that people are more likely to stay in unhappy marriages here for financial reasons because it's so expensive.

[Anonymous]

I stay married because I want to be with my kids. And being married isn't so bad. It is actually quite good. I just don't really care for my husband that way any longer. There's worse things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stay married because I want to be with my kids. And being married isn't so bad. It is actually quite good. I just don't really care for my husband that way any longer. There's worse things.

To be clear, you (a woman) are the not-interested-refuser, right? The OP was addressing the still-interested-but-rejected (for example your husband). So your solution (just deal) is not a legit option for somebody with a normal sex drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stay married because I want to be with my kids. And being married isn't so bad. It is actually quite good. I just don't really care for my husband that way any longer. There's worse things.

To be clear, you (a woman) are the not-interested-refuser, right? The OP was addressing the still-interested-but-rejected (for example your husband). So your solution (just deal) is not a legit option for somebody with a normal sex drive.

Right! "It's easier for me to stay in a marriage where my husband is miserable and rejected but I'm OK" No one is asking about that. It's like having someone write about a cheating spouse and someone having an affair kicks in about why they stayed in their marriage despite having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW in an unexpectedly low sex marriage here.

Honestly, I know it sounds sad but option 2 (masturbation) has been my route. I have an extremely active and vibrant sex like...with myself. Is it ideal? I guess not. But it works well enough - i certainly know how to get it done!

Because you don’t want to have sex with your husband, or he won’t have sex with you?

Because he's largely uninterested in sex. If I initiated 8 times a month we'd have sex mayyybe 2 or 3, and that's only if it was hardcore/undeniable initiation (reaching down and rubbing him through his pants, taking my shirt off and straddling him and not getting off) - not 'subtler' moves like grinding against him in bed or anything else that he could play dumb about.

Honestly it's just kind of depressing and I'm better off taking things into my own hands

[Anonymous]

Your issue is that you use amount of sex to determine your self worth. You were socialized to think that the amount of sex you have determines your self worth.

This is not healthy, it's maladaptive.

You need to learn to disconnect the two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your issue is that you use amount of sex to determine your self worth. You were socialized to think that the amount of sex you have determines your self worth.

This is not healthy, it's maladaptive.

You need to learn to disconnect the two.

You must not have a sex drive. Are you a DW who is sick of their husband??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your issue is that you use amount of sex to determine your self worth. You were socialized to think that the amount of sex you have determines your self worth.

This is not healthy, it's maladaptive.

You need to learn to disconnect the two.

You must not have a sex drive. Are you a DW who is sick of their husband??

No a psychologist who gets laid 3x per week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No a psychologist who gets laid 3x per week.

You seem impressed by that number. Hope your frequency isn’t tied to your self worth. You should work on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No a psychologist who gets laid 3x per week.

You seem impressed by that number. Hope your frequency isn’t tied to your self worth. You should work on that.

Funny you think my self esteem is wrapped around the #3 instead of the fact that I have a PhD and help people that are suicidal.

Very telling

[Anonymous]

It seems like most of the men in here are complaining about "once a week" duty sex.

Has it ever occurred to you that that's the amount of sex your wife genuinely wants and that it's not duty sex, it's just a lower libido.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No a psychologist who gets laid 3x per week.

You seem impressed by that number. Hope your frequency isn’t tied to your self worth. You should work on that.

Funny you think my self esteem is wrapped around the #3 instead of the fact that I have a PhD and help people that are suicidal.

Very telling

Look at this folks, got a PhD in our thread.

lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No a psychologist who gets laid 3x per week.

You seem impressed by that number. Hope your frequency isn’t tied to your self worth. You should work on that.

Funny you think my self esteem is wrapped around the #3 instead of the fact that I have a PhD and help people that are suicidal.

Very telling

So your self worth is based on how often you have sex AND your degree. Got it. Oh, and you might have a Messiah complex. Please begin the healing.