An explanation and request from a mom of a kid with autism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your son is taking my child's ball or not letting my kid on the swing and you do nothing about it, OP, I am going to say something to your child. Your child is interfering my my child's happiness. My child doesn't see your son as anything but another little boy and I cannot let her think I don't have her back when I allow your son to bug her.

I am sorry for your plight - I truly am. But you are asking too much.

NP. If the other kid is enjoying the swing then your kid should wait his turn. That's a key lesson. Your kid's happiness is no more important than another kid's happiness. Phrased differently, I have heard moms sometimes say, she was here first, we have to wait our turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This is wild. So I have anger issues, my kid is much more severely autistic than I think, we shouldn't leave the house, I'm doing it all wrong and need therapy. This is why this is all so hard. It's not my kid and his different way of learning and being that is the real struggle it's knowing that he will have to face people like you his whole life. And I wasn't seeking your advice or your insults. I really don't care. I have been very successful and I personally and a huge rule follower and major people pleaser which has been a struggle to manage. But I do think those of you who are the most intolerant get some perspective. You may need to ask for it someday.

And yes parents of kids with special needs still say normal, btw. It's allowed. We do understand that some of our kids behaviors are abnormal and I'm not going to debate word choices.

OP, I get what you're are saying, totally. The general parent board is not welcoming to SN kids and their parents, as you can see. It's so telling that people think you shouldn't even leave the house. It's the worst advice, because a child who never gets out never learns to function.

Meanwhile, the typical kids are spitting, hitting, kicking, etc. and no one bats an eye.

I also think you are so right about challenges coming down the road for these higher-than-mighty, not my problem parents.

Except that nobody told her that. OP started it by accusing all and sundry in her first post, then freaks out when posters defend themselves.
Read the thread, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also - op here - those of you who got so very angry. Why on earth? I did not at any point suggest I was going to let my child injure or even annoy yours if at all possible, and you just lost it. Many of you. I'm thinking any suggestion that you might be being an asshole when you act in a way that you excuse as protecting your child or going all mama bear might in fact be bad behavior is just too much for your limited world view.

And no I'm not taking this down. I think asking for some acceptance and the vitriol and excuses it stirred up is telling and demonstrative of the problem. In the meantime i just carry on doing the best I can and avoiding the ones that are obviously dicks.

Totally agree, OP. I don't know why on earth anyone got angry at the suggestion they were being an asshole. It's a mystery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, OP, the world, and I think especially the DMV area, has some jerky people in it. You can either obsess about them or ignore them and focus on the good people instead. I think option B is better. I mean, I get it to a degree - the other week, my DS was playing in an adapted sports league and the opposing team would not lend us any players, even though the number of kids on each team was horribly unbalanced. I got really upset, because I expected more of parents of children with SN, and was ranting about the situation to DS and DH, and pretty much letting it ruin my whole afternoon. But its one game, one day, one lousy group of parents, and really, the only people I was hurting by obsessing about the injustice of it were DS and myself.

Way to keep things in perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also - op here - those of you who got so very angry. Why on earth? I did not at any point suggest I was going to let my child injure or even annoy yours if at all possible, and you just lost it. Many of you. I'm thinking any suggestion that you might be being an asshole when you act in a way that you excuse as protecting your child or going all mama bear might in fact be bad behavior is just too much for your limited world view.

And no I'm not taking this down. I think asking for some acceptance and the vitriol and excuses it stirred up is telling and demonstrative of the problem. In the meantime i just carry on doing the best I can and avoiding the ones that are obviously dicks.

So people on here are very angry generally / out to shoot people down / do what they think to put people in their place. I am kind of getting chewed out in another thread where I think people are irrationally angry / not being nice for no reason.

In public / in real life, I don't think I yell at other kids and would hope that I show all parents sympathy. If you want to know what I thought about your original post, it rubbed me the wrong way when you suggested other people shouldn't bring floats to the pool or toys to the playground. So I didn't respond until now. If it's not against the pool / playground rules - I don't really see that as being an a$$hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this thread has done is make OP look bad. I know most parents of kids with SN aren't like this because of personal experiences (my own family and my career), but I'm fearful someone else will read her post and think this is the majority opinion.

How exactly? Do explain. This is op. I'm very invited over in the sn community. I see kids treated like this all the time. It's h
Why I send my kid to special needs school and avoid many situations. I certainly have not failed my child. I've advocated for him and gotten him the best help possible.

So suggesting that other parents could not glare at my child when he does unexpected and odd things - I've mentioned blowing raspberries, pouring out water, growling, odd movements - oh and also not bringing babies into the areas clearly marked for preschoolers - I an making us all look bad.

Do you think maybe there is some massive projection there?

I never ever said we don't take my kid home when he misbehaves. Adult. I never said we don't do therapy or seek professional help - believe me, we do. Others can't afford all the help we have however and they have it worse.

People want to be able to think negatively of parents with kids with. What looks like bad behavior, not all kids with special needs have what looks like bad behavior although many do, and these people will not be told they are wrong. That's the upshot of the thread in a nutshell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not putting my kid in a floatie because there are other kids with autism out there. That's insane.

Ohhh, I thought OP meant to NOT let your kid bring their floats into the kiddie area or NOT show up with lots of toys and get mad when her kid wants to appropriate them.

Either way, what OP is requesting is just not something parents are going to do. At least not in my experience with most parents around here.

[Anonymous]

OK OP, here are some specific things in your OP that struck me as being self-centered (on behalf of your child):



in the pool not the baby pool, mind you, and other places for him, as marked, and we have had issues with parents of young children getting irate and furious with us.
- I don’t believe that babies and toddlers are restricted from being in the pool. While the baby pool is restricted to kids under x age, the regular pool is not reserved for people above that age.

But it's important that he be allowed to figure this stuff out.
- Your son’s need to be allowed to figure things out does not trump others’ right to engage in normal play in the pool, park, playground, etc. Others are not obliged to allow you to use their kids as a learning experience.
But you can avoid some of this by doing things like
bringing your baby in a huge floaty into the little kids area of the pool where kids are playing.
- Again, not my obligation to avoid your kid

Bringing huge amounts of toys to the park.
- People are free to bring what they want to the park

Yelling at other kids when their parent is right there.
- Obviously people should not be yelling at your kid unless it’s a health/safety issue. Spitting might make that cut for some people.

I'm not letting him interfere with your child's safety or happiness.
- If your son is spitting, taking people’s toys, or otherwise engaging in inappropriate behavior, then he is interfering in the happiness and perhaps the safety of others (spitting). Now I don’t know if you are “letting” him. Don’t know how strongly you are intervening to prevent negative interactions with others, or put an end to them. Your statement that your son needs to be “allowed to figure this stuff out” suggests that you might not be intervening as actively as perhaps other parents might think is warranted. Which is fine. You do you. But you can’t control how they are going to feel about the interactions with your kid, or how they are going to react.

He's learning. Cut kids some slack.
- Agreed that people should not be irately yelling at a 5 year old.

[Anonymous]

OP, one part of the problem, besides your aggressive/combative/attack-first tone, is your word choice. Is your auto-correct overzealously changing your words? Are you unfamiliar with your phone keyboard, or is English not your first language? It's not easy to tell exactly what you're saying in your posts, other than that you're mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this thread has done is make OP look bad. I know most parents of kids with SN aren't like this because of personal experiences (my own family and my career), but I'm fearful someone else will read her post and think this is the majority opinion.

How exactly? Do explain. This is op. I'm very invited over in the sn community. I see kids treated like this all the time. It's h
Why I send my kid to special needs school and avoid many situations. I certainly have not failed my child. I've advocated for him and gotten him the best help possible.

So suggesting that other parents could not glare at my child when he does unexpected and odd things - I've mentioned blowing raspberries, pouring out water, growling, odd movements - oh and also not bringing babies into the areas clearly marked for preschoolers - I an making us all look bad.

Do you think maybe there is some massive projection there?

I never ever said we don't take my kid home when he misbehaves. Adult. I never said we don't do therapy or seek professional help - believe me, we do. Others can't afford all the help we have however and they have it worse.

People want to be able to think negatively of parents with kids with. What looks like bad behavior, not all kids with special needs have what looks like bad behavior although many do, and these people will not be told they are wrong. That's the upshot of the thread in a nutshell.

You did. You said that sometimes, you don't correct him when his misbehaves because you have other fish to fry. If you don't correct him, it's a pretty safe assumption that you don't take him home. Your definition of misbehaves is, for good reason, different than parents of other kids. But when your kid behaves in a way that most parents of neurotypical kids would view as misbehaving, and you don't correct him (and presumably, don't bring him home), people are going to glare at him, and it's hard to be sympathetic when you get in a snit about it. (Important caveat - there is a significant distinction between just doing something odd and directing behavior at someone else. Anyone who gives you grief because your kid makes an odd movement, or just randomly blows a raspberry is a jerk. But if he blows the raspberry at someone, or growls at someone, people are likely to expect some correction, and react when they don't get it.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this thread has done is make OP look bad. I know most parents of kids with SN aren't like this because of personal experiences (my own family and my career), but I'm fearful someone else will read her post and think this is the majority opinion.

How exactly? Do explain. This is op. I'm very invited over in the sn community. I see kids treated like this all the time. It's h
Why I send my kid to special needs school and avoid many situations. I certainly have not failed my child. I've advocated for him and gotten him the best help possible.

So suggesting that other parents could not glare at my child when he does unexpected and odd things - I've mentioned blowing raspberries, pouring out water, growling, odd movements - oh and also not bringing babies into the areas clearly marked for preschoolers - I an making us all look bad.

Do you think maybe there is some massive projection there?

I never ever said we don't take my kid home when he misbehaves. Adult. I never said we don't do therapy or seek professional help - believe me, we do. Others can't afford all the help we have however and they have it worse.

People want to be able to think negatively of parents with kids with. What looks like bad behavior, not all kids with special needs have what looks like bad behavior although many do, and these people will not be told they are wrong. That's the upshot of the thread in a nutshell.

Yes, OP, I think you are having a massive projection of your fears and frustrations onto others --including other SN parents like me. Sometimes therapy for the kid must be augmented by therapy for the parent. Please find help for yourself. My sister in law found an anti anxiety medication really helped her with how she coped after her son on the spectrum reached MS. I did a short course of anti-depression meds when my older DD was diagnosed. Whether you do talk therapy or meds, I think the world will seem less dark and callous to you. A less anxious you will help you and help your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, one part of the problem, besides your aggressive/combative/attack-first tone, is your word choice. Is your auto-correct overzealously changing your words? Are you unfamiliar with your phone keyboard, or is English not your first language? It's not easy to tell exactly what you're saying in your posts, other than that you're mad.

Ha I'm on my phone. Not esl. And I'm not angry just frustrated.

[Anonymous]

If your child, with SN or not, is spitting at a playground (at all, really, let alone at/towards other kids or adults), or pushing in front of people when it's clearly not his turn, then he simply is not ready to be playing in a public area.

Keep going with whatever therapy you're doing, but you're not yet at the point where your child can maintain a basic level of consideration for other people and so he just isn't ready for a playground. I'm sorry.

Maybe you'll get there with your son. Maybe you won't. I don't know. But I do know that everyone else should not need to have your child inflicted on them when they dare to venture out to the local park to play.

And yes, your child is hurting people. Because when you spit on people, you can make them sick. It's considered legal assault for a reason. Not to mention that it's totally disgusting and when your kid is spitting, and there's an adult right there who isn't punishing the kid, and you don't even offer an explanation because "you don't need to", then you're making other parents' jobs way harder when they are trying to keep their children behaving in a socially acceptable way. It's hard for kids to understand why they get punished for something and other kids do not. And pushing in when other kids are playing nicely, ESPECIALLY when there are "babies" around (who may or may not be playing on equipment that was designed for their age group) can also be incredibly dangerous and lead to serious injury.

It sounds like you need a break, and you should do that. But don't whinge that everyone should just put up with your kid and not say anything about it. Right now, you're giving parents of kids with autism a bad name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not putting my kid in a floatie because there are other kids with autism out there. That's insane.

Ohhh, I thought OP meant to NOT let your kid bring their floats into the kiddie area or NOT show up with lots of toys and get mad when her kid wants to appropriate them.

Either way, what OP is requesting is just not something parents are going to do. At least not in my experience with most parents around here.

I think what OP meant is: it doesn't help when parents put tiny babies in floats in a big-kid area of the pool (then act all paranoid at getting splashed or jostled); or if they bring tons of toys to the part (then act all uptight when battles break out for the toys).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good god, op here. Your willful insistence on completely refusing to comprehend what I actually said is amazing. I did it ask for special accommodations. I asked that you keep your babies out of playgrounds marked 3-5 and out of the big kid pool arear for 3-5 when there are baby parks and baby playgrounds. You hover over your kids creating a huge logistical block for those of us with kids with special needs who need to closely monitor. You also hugely react if my child say blows a raspberry in your direction. That's not hurrying anyone. It's annoying. Maybe it warrants a telling him off but you frankly can't tell off a child with autism for every odd behavior. So parents telling me, your child just spit at me, etc. these are the issues I'm talking about. My kid isn't aggressive he is odd and it confuses parents more than children.

If you have a hard time believing that my child hasn't been yelled at numerous times for things like making faces at babies, growling at them, spitting, not waiting a turn even when I'm there to hold him back, you don't live in my world and Rabat my point.

As for the other kids with autism being similar I didn't say all but seeking reactions is indeed fairly common.

Do you only have one kid, OP? Do you know how many people have kids of different ages? As soon as you can figure out how to split people into two so that they can watch their 2.5 year old in the baby pool and their 4 year old in the big pool at the same time, please let us all know.