DH friendships with women - what's your comfort level

[Anonymous]

I am more troubled that he randomly met up with these women and had a beer with them. Even if you can accept that it was a chance encounter, something I don’t, he could have and should have said “I need to get home to my wife and child, why don’t you all come over” or “I need to get home to my family, see you next weekend”. He chose to do neither. As for the boxing match at the bar, I’d have been pissed to miss it, and I’d not have allowed that to happen. Either we as a family go home if there was a situation that the baby-sitter couldn’t handle, or we as a couple stay at the bar and enjoy the fight. No way would I have gone home alone to relieve the sitter. All this being said, I do wonder why you need to go to bed at 8 every night. You should be open to socializing and meeting new people as well as having new experiences. All of us should be. Neither of you should feel like you have to give up your old life, though the logestics do need to change. I’d make sure I was part of the fun, not be the wet blanket sucking the joy out of the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I am so curious to see what the text thread looked like on Saturday night, whereby Jen comes out to meet DH at the bar. I was so so tempted to look at his phone yesterday but managed to resist, b/c i want to be able to come to this conversation from a position of non-crazy. But I am tempted to ask him to show me the thread.

Or maybe I shouldn't get bogged down in the HOW. stick with the WHY is this happening? What is he getting out of it, and how can he get it elsewhere (either at home or with more appropriate friends)?

Has anyone had a convo like this with his/her spouse?

Yes, I would be curious to hear how Saturday night and other times they met up started. Is your husband extremely attractive, charismatic, or wealthy? If not, for all you know these 20 something women are creeped out by him but are in a difficult place because he is a customer at their store and also an employer of sorts since they have babysat for you. I would guess they aren't too genuinely interested in a 10+ years older married guy with a kid who hangs around the bookstore and keeps texting them, even on Saturday night. They might think it is weird and sad. It's probably good that he talks with all of them and isn't fixated on just one of them.

Maybe you can approach things from the standpoint of being concerned about the feelings of these young women and the impression that he an old guy might be making on them. You can ask, "So how did it happen that Jen came to watch the game? Did you text her?" Say "It might seem to her that you're this creepy older guy who keeps texting her, and she's not comfortable, but she doesn't want to offend you because you're a customer at the store and she babysits for us. You know that attractive young women who work with the public have guys hitting on them all the time. Of course I know that you just want to be friends with Jen, but she might think you're this weird older guy pursuing her since married men with children don't usually suddenly start being friends with women 10 years younger that they meet in bookstores."

I love this!

Ah yes OP. You should definitely accuse your DH of inappropriate behavior with other women while at the same time ridiculing and mocking him, and making the idea that he might be remotely attractive to those women seem ludicrous. Do that and report back

To quote from one of OP's early posts, "He has phone numbers for a couple of them as they have offered to babysit DC." How did it come about that they offered to babysit DC? Because this older married guy kept hanging around the bookstore and chatting them up, and then he glommed onto them one day at closing and asking if they minded if he came along to wherever they were headed. That was the beer they grabbed together. As they sat in the bar together, with a weird vibe, one of them asked pointedly, "So where's your wife?" He said, "Home with our kid."

On other evenings at the bookstore he had the same answer, she's home with our kid. So finally they said to him, "We can babysit for you! Then you can go out with your wife." He ran with that and said, "Sure, why don't I get your numbers." So now he has their numbers and texts them. In the beginning it was actually about babysitting, but now he texts them about how their dates went, where they are going to be.

They don't dislike him per se. He's an entertaining enough guy, and it gives them something to talk about during slow times at the bookstore. They don't consider whether he's attractive or not since he's this older married dad. They hope that his behavior while odd is innocent, that he won't cross the line.

You seem a bit crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jealously is so unattractive...

Trust is so attractive...

Let it go OP and trust him.

Its about respect which a man isnt showing if hes hanging out with other women not telling his wife and drinking. What if the op started to hang out with guys she met at random places at bars having drinks while the dh stays at home with the kid?

Op no doubt hes having affairs or at least thinking of it. Throw or show a dog bones he will pursue it or be tempted.

[Anonymous]

Op if he lies and says its nothing them tell him to show the texts to jen and the other women. Ask to call jen up and ibtroduce yourself as his wife. Ask jen why is she hanging out with a married man with kids at a bar drinking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with 10:13 - there is some "hit" or validation that DH is getting from these friendships that he clearly isn't getting at home from me. And that makes me so sad. That's the conversation I really want to have with him.

then this is the conversation you have. start here. you might not like what you hear, but at least you wont' be dancing around the issue.

Also, I detect some sense in your posts that you are almost more afraid of being seen as "needy" than you are of your husband engaging in an inappropriate relationship. You shouldn't be. It is good to build healthy boundaries around your marriage and to be able to say 'Hey, this is not sitting right with me."

Yes. I am most afraid of looking needy and demanding to DH. I feel like the "right" thing to do or the "awesome wife" thing to do is to be totally cool with these friendships and support his ability to maintain a fun social life even as first time parents. but instead i am the bad/demanding/paranoid/wetblanket wife who wants to limit him.

Look, I used to be more concerned about seeming cool with like this, and then DH cheated and our marriage was in crisis. I think you have to draw a line and are very clear that he's crossing a boundary. It doesn't really matter if he thinks you're a wet blanket - if he wants to, he can divorce you and do whatever, but as long as he's married to you he needs to respect your marriage. It's OK to insist on that. Get the book by Shirley Glass about emotional affairs - Not Just Friends. It really helps clarify and articulate why this behavior is wrong.

[Anonymous]

My DH has female friends, but not like this--not much younger women he's met recently that he meets late at night in bars and drinks with.
OP, please. This is not normal husband behavior. Stand your ground here.
I am disturbed not only that he is doing this, but that you are so fearful that he will make *you* out to be the "crazy" one if you raise what seem to be pretty legitimate and reasonable points.
You don't need the VISA bill to make these points, by the way. The issue isn't money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jealously is so unattractive...

Trust is so attractive...

Let it go OP and trust him.

Hi there OP's husband.

[Anonymous]

op, damn. I feel for you. please give us updates if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
How do i respond if he says he thinks this is all totally normal and kosher? That I'm just over reacting? I highly doubt he'll just suddenly agree and say "gee, i didn't think about it like that, i'm sorry I was being disrespectful."

One angle I have thought of is encouraging him to ask his married/parent friends if they do anything comparable to this. "Do you think Bill goes and meets 23 year old single women on saturday night without nancy?" "How do you think Dave and Susie handle socializing with new single friends?"

Any other suggestions?

OP, let's put aside the shenanigans with these young bookstore women.

To me, spending $90.00 dollars out drinking at a bar (without you his wife along for the fun) in itself, by itself, is completely unconscionable. This wasn't some special event like his old buddies he hasn't seen in years come to town etc. This is just him deciding to waste $90.00 in a bar for whatever reason.

Completely unacceptable. Unless $90.00 is meaningless to you. It's not meaningless to me and not to most people unless they have a pretty high income.

And like the man said, if he is out with "Jen" spending $90.00 then he is obviously trying to get her drunk enough so that she would at least be susceptible to letting down her boundaries and escalating it to the overtly sexual. Unfortunately there is no other explanation, period. The only reason he even told you about Jen is because he has you brainwashed to think it's all innocuous.

The one positive spin on this is your husband probably has no game at all. So from the girls' perspective he is just some creepy loser and they can get unlimited free drinks from him. If he had any game at all he wouldn't need to spend $90.00 getting "Jen" drunk." Of course the line could be crossed at any time so it has to stop even if nothing physical has happened yet.

Probably one of the reasons you have such difficulty accepting that your husband is actively cheating on you and at least has an inappropriate emotional relationship with one or more of these women, is that he IS kind of a dork, so you can't actually imagine him successfully getting into Jen's pants.

Even dorks get lucky once in a while.

I'm sorry OP but this situation is not okay and you KNOW this. Have you mentioned it to any friends or family members? If not why not? Are you embarrassed? Do any of your friends' husbands go out with other women without their wives present? No? Why? Because it is not appropriate. He is disrespecting you. He is probably cheating or trying to cheat.
My ex husband did this. I remember the way his colleagues looked at me - with pity and sometimes surprise. Surprise because I was good-looking and pity .. Well because. His bar bills were outrageous. It was humiliating. We are divorced now. If your husband shuts you down on this you will be facing many years of marriage to a guy living the life of a single man. I would have a major talk with him now. It's time to lay down the hammer girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

And the female work colleagues meeting you for the first time will look at you skeptically and be artificially polite and cold because he has been demonizing you.

[Anonymous]

OP's husband needs to grow up.
He's married, he has a kid, his days of poetry and book readings several times a week are o v e r.
Bring back date night and enjoy your young child.

I frankly don't know how anyone who works full time and has a baby or toddler would be "stepping out" to the bookstore or watching sports with 23 yo single women. What a weirdo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Ask for what I need. Ask for what I need. (Repeating this to myself.) And what I need from him is ok and not unreasonable. Just typing to myself here.

I also have never thought of myself as a jealous person. I hate playing this cliche role. But as 14:06 pointed out, the resentment I feel is real. and only stands to worsen.

Overall, he has done better at maintaining a night life/social life since DC was born since he is more of a night owl than I am. I will always choose sleep over a bar/party. He is willing to sacrifice sleep to be social. The result is that I stay home on saturday nights and he goes out (some times). So I am already resentful that he has this part of his life still in tact, while I don't. It's not really what I want for myself anymore - I don't WANT to be out at the bar - but I wish he didn't want it either. I wish he wanted to stay home with me.

......who does he go out with on a Saturday nights?

The fact you are not thrilled with these dynamics is totally understandable.

He usually goes out with his best guy friend, who happens to be single. In fact, the friend has gone on a date or two with the bookstore girls. That was DH's original explanation for having one of the girls' phone numbers was b/c he was setting the girl up with his friend.

He will tell me again and again how the girls are dating other people or whatever - like how Jen was coming from a Tinder date on sat night. Or Sally went on a date with DH's buddy. He thinks that should make me feel better about it. But the truth is that it doesn't.

I agree with the NP that we should do more dinners or evenings out together so that DH can scratch this itch he has, but do it with my company and not someone else's!

Here's the bummer, too. On sat night we did have a babysitter, one of the bookstore girls, "Sally". And DH and I went to a party together. But then at 10pm I went home to relieve Sally the babysitter, while DH went to the bar to watch the fight. and then Jen met up with him there. Sally and Jen are roommates. So while i was paying Sally for babysitting, Sally's roommate was meeting DH at a bar.

I just find that embarrassing. right? like I'm getting played. Did sally and Jen get home on sat night and say, "hey while you were babysitting DH's kid, I met up with DH!"

Omg, what the f is going in here!?!

Toughen up now and stick up for yourself, your kid and marriage.
If not, meet 19 lawyers in a week to discuss and consider a private investigator.

[Anonymous]

OP, how did the talk go last night?

[Anonymous]

OP, my heart goes out to you. My DH did this, and I was the cool wife. I stayed home and took care of the kids while he went out with various female friends. They were from work or before we were married - and I to this day have no problem with that.

But then - he asked a single woman out at a wedding where we were all guests, and she said, "What would your wife say?" as a way to put him off. He said I wouldn't mind, and happily repeated this conversation to me. And that is when I realized that he was getting ready to cross a boundary that was clearly inappropriate.

I asked him why he had asked someone out on a date, and he denied that that was what he was doing. He was very angry with me for suggesting such a thing, so I went on an anonymous board (UrbanBaby) and wrote about it. The responses were overwhelmingly against him. He read the thread, thought about it, and said that clearly he was in the wrong.

Your DH's behavior is outrageous. You are entirely correct in this. Stay strong. Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.

[Anonymous]

OP.. realize that dogs need to be trained. You are training yours to be disloyal to you. Give him his proper training before you think about neutering.