DH friendships with women - what's your comfort level

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP.. realize that dogs need to be trained. You are training yours to be disloyal to you. Give him his proper training before you think about neutering.

Okay, Mr. Misogyny.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I really appreciate (some of) these responses. I have not shared this with friends b/c I have wanted to give DH the benefit of the doubt and don't want our friends to think poorly of him. So this anonymous board has been helpful.

Conversation last night went better than I expected in terms of DH's response. And I was confident and said things I needed to and felt entitled to say. when I asked if he would show me the text thread from Sat night whereby Jen ends up meeting him at the bar, he said he deleted it... b/c he knew it would bother me. (I saw his phone, he did delete it.) So he KNEW he was doing something wrong. And I had plenty to say about that.

But the bigger conversation was about why he needs those relationships and that nightlife. Why is he clinging to mid 20s lifestyle instead of behaving like a mid thirties married dad. There are other ways to get your kicks and i am 100% supportive of those ways and he knows that and I have demonstrated that. He was very very contrite and ashamed. He says he needs to grow up and I agree. (and by the way, growing up isn't so bad! He's got it good and he knows it!)

He has agreed to go back to see the pre marital counselor who we saw when we were engaged. (EVERYONE: GO TO PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING. when the shit hits the fan and you already have someone in your rolodex to call, you'll be grateful.)

I am so sad that it came to that discussion last night. But it was a productive one. And i know there will be more.

Please spare me any critical or flaming replies. I have stuck my neck out enough on this board.

[Anonymous]

Demand no contact with Jen.

Get over to www.survivinginfidelity.com.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really appreciate (some of) these responses. I have not shared this with friends b/c I have wanted to give DH the benefit of the doubt and don't want our friends to think poorly of him. So this anonymous board has been helpful.

Conversation last night went better than I expected in terms of DH's response. And I was confident and said things I needed to and felt entitled to say. when I asked if he would show me the text thread from Sat night whereby Jen ends up meeting him at the bar, he said he deleted it... b/c he knew it would bother me. (I saw his phone, he did delete it.) So he KNEW he was doing something wrong. And I had plenty to say about that.

But the bigger conversation was about why he needs those relationships and that nightlife. Why is he clinging to mid 20s lifestyle instead of behaving like a mid thirties married dad. There are other ways to get your kicks and i am 100% supportive of those ways and he knows that and I have demonstrated that. He was very very contrite and ashamed. He says he needs to grow up and I agree. (and by the way, growing up isn't so bad! He's got it good and he knows it!)

He has agreed to go back to see the pre marital counselor who we saw when we were engaged. (EVERYONE: GO TO PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING. when the shit hits the fan and you already have someone in your rolodex to call, you'll be grateful.)

I am so sad that it came to that discussion last night. But it was a productive one. And i know there will be more.

Please spare me any critical or flaming replies. I have stuck my neck out enough on this board.

Awesome Op, no flame from me!! I'm so glad you had the talk as that was more about you taking a stand than anything. Although I'm sure you are sad that your DH was going down that road, hopefully you feel empowered to trust your gut going forward. Your gut was telling you something wasn't right and you were correct. I have similar fears of not wanting to be the 'wet blanket' and have let a lot of things slide that I don't like because of it. I am not going to do that anymore because it was eating me up inside while DH was enjoying life. I think it is wonderful that he is willing to explore what is going on in therapy and wish you guys the best of luck!!!

[Anonymous]

Well done GP, hopefully there is a renewed spring in your step. Good call on the conversation, booking counseling and sharing your feelings. Continue to do that.

And please enjoy this phenomenal weather with your DH and kid!

[Anonymous]

Thanks to the last 2 PPs. I appreciate that.

We already have 2 appointments scheduled with the pre-marital counselor, so I feel good about that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am glad that you stuck up for yourself and your marriage. I hope the counseling goes well and you two can find a good place where you each feel fulfilled in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

I think something inappropriate was probably going on. If my husband was going out one-on-one with new, and much younger, female friends who I was not also friends with, I would be suspect. He's acting way too calm about this, there is no way it just dawned on him that maybe it was disrespectful, unless he is totally stupid.

If I were in your shoes, my curiosity might propel me to look at our cell phone bill and see just how frequently he calls and texts Jen.

[Anonymous]

OP, so happy for you that all went well with your discussion. You must have had just the right approach to have such a good outcome. You seem like a very mature and level headed person who really cares about her husband. Maybe he's the more fun and outgoing one, and you complement each other. Good luck with your next steps and a happy resolution!

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't quite know how to frame this for you, but you should talk about this with older, experienced people (especially including some men) you trust, because from what I know of how men operate, there's more to things here than you may realize.

[Anonymous]

I ... wonder if you should try to recover those lost texts ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, so happy for you that all went well with your discussion. You must have had just the right approach to have such a good outcome. You seem like a very mature and level headed person who really cares about her husband. Maybe he's the more fun and outgoing one, and you complement each other. Good luck with your next steps and a happy resolution!

I agree that OP sounds mature and level-headed, but I disagree that this is a "good" outcome. Her husband is clearly cheating, or has some level of inappropriateness going on and is TRYING to cheat.

I wonder what the context of the deleted texts was, that he thinks would be so upsetting for the OP to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really appreciate (some of) these responses. I have not shared this with friends b/c I have wanted to give DH the benefit of the doubt and don't want our friends to think poorly of him. So this anonymous board has been helpful.

Conversation last night went better than I expected in terms of DH's response. And I was confident and said things I needed to and felt entitled to say. when I asked if he would show me the text thread from Sat night whereby Jen ends up meeting him at the bar, he said he deleted it... b/c he knew it would bother me. (I saw his phone, he did delete it.) So he KNEW he was doing something wrong. And I had plenty to say about that.

But the bigger conversation was about why he needs those relationships and that nightlife. Why is he clinging to mid 20s lifestyle instead of behaving like a mid thirties married dad. There are other ways to get your kicks and i am 100% supportive of those ways and he knows that and I have demonstrated that. He was very very contrite and ashamed. He says he needs to grow up and I agree. (and by the way, growing up isn't so bad! He's got it good and he knows it!)

He has agreed to go back to see the pre marital counselor who we saw when we were engaged. (EVERYONE: GO TO PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING. when the shit hits the fan and you already have someone in your rolodex to call, you'll be grateful.)

It sounds like you had an honest talk about it. Tell him to get s new bookstore and not hang out with the bookstore girls.

Fwiw, I wouldn't be comfortable with any of 1 to 4.

I am so sad that it came to that discussion last night. But it was a productive one. And i know there will be more.

Please spare me any critical or flaming replies. I have stuck my neck out enough on this board.

[Anonymous]

Oops, I wrote my response in your response above somehow.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you, OP.