If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and I have this problem. I've been thinking about it and I think what I need is romance and spontaneity. I want my husband to pursue me the way he did before we got married and had kids. I want him to pursue me the way he would if we were having an affair. I want him to arrange weekend getaways, including babysitters for the kids. Surprise me with plane tickets. Make reservations for restaurants. Gifts: jewelry, flowers, lingerie. It's hard to feel sexy in your own home surrounded by needy children.

Anyway, give this a try OP. See what happens.

Many women get married and sex is always something with a quid pro quo. OP just wants his wife to desire him sexually. I'm sure your husband does too.

For whatever reason, women like yourself--most women being talked about in this thread, most in our society--despite being nominal "feminists," always seem to believe that their vagina is such a wonderful prize that the man in their life has to pay a toll for admission to it.

We get this notion because our husbands are pretty much constantly pressuring us for sex (not to mention: the catcalling in the streets? The unwanted looks and attention we get from men pretty much all the time until we get old? What else are we supposed to think?) I give in once a week to keep him happy but what I'm saying is that if he did the above things, put in that kind of effort, I'd be more in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You are overthinking this. The reason why men often have to put in the work to have more sex is because 1) its usually the man that wants sex; and 2) most females have responsive sexual desire so you need to do something to have them respond. As much as I wish it were true, saying "lets fuck" or pushing her up against the wall isn't going to get her going.

Simple economics - the one who wants something more will pay more for it. By and large, men want sex more than women.

Analogy - women, in general, want a cleaner house than men. Who gets stuck doing more of the housework? Women. Because if a man doesn't care, he isn't going to be proactive about cleaning. If he is a good spouse, he will realize his wife wants a clean house and he will help her. But so long as its more important to her, she is going to be stuck initiating the cleaning, doing most of it, and if things get bad, having to verbalize to her spouse the need for him to clean too.

Sex is tricky because he wants her to want to have sex, not just have it. It is understandable, the need to feel desired is universal. Its just not realistic.

Yes heaven forbid anyone think too much about these things.

Men may want sex more than women. In that case, they have to be the kind of man that the woman wants enough so that the woman is sufficiently sexual with them. Since we both agree that sex is the medium of exchange that women use in relationships, and most woman have a practically unlimited amount of such coinage to exchange, the man needs to figure out how to get them to open up the coin purse.

That doesn't mean, as you seem to imply, that the woman needs to have an equal or greater desire for sex with the man, in order for her to be willing to give him the amount of sex he wants. It simply means he needs to offer her something of at least equal or greater value to herself as the sex she exchanges to him.

Regardless of what women say, what they actually want is an extremely sexually dominant man. That's what all the women in this thread has been saying. Not one has said "My husband is too aggressive or sexually dominant, what a turn off." They have ALL said "my husband is too beta/too passive, what a turn off." She will give a dominant man the sex he wants not because she has an equal desire for the sex itself, but because of her need to feel possessed by a dominant male.

OP's wife becomes more sexual with him as a direct result of when she thinks she might be "losing" him--maybe she is afraid he will cheat or she will be in competition. THAT's when she turns it up a notch. All women are basically the same in that respect. OP's wife doesn't become more sexual with him when she feels like having more sex, because that never happens. If she just spontaneously became more sexual with him, it would destroy the quid pro quo, would eliminate her ability to use sexual denial as a power tool in their relationship. (Shaming OP for wanting his wife to have authentic sexual desire for him rather than using it to manipulate him is a nice touch, too.) OP's wife doesn't want to become more sexual because she views that as her power source in the relationship. She'd rather be sexually unhappy--which she obviously must be--then give up her sexual power over her husband.

Women don't get stuck doing the house work because they like a cleaner house than the man. They get stuck doing more household chores because in exchange, they are getting something of equal value from the husband. That could be tangible or it could be intangible. If not, the relationship will be unstable. Women who do more housework than the man do so by conscious choice and voluntarily. Including those who periodically bitch and moan about it. Or, the woman is getting something of value for herself by doing the housework, even if it's not coming from the husband.

However, nothing changes the fact that women who deliberately settle down and marry passive, sexually unexciting men, do so deliberately and as a conscious choice, and should accept responsibility for that. Since they married a man with a passive personality, they shouldn't expect him to be the agent of change. If they want change, the women have to be responsible for it. Similarly, passive men who marry sexually manipulative or cold and frigid women may have to radically change their own behavior to see a change in their wives. However, that does not mean jumping through hoops and asking the women for sexual "gifts."

[Anonymous]

My husband is very good-looking - fit, looks young for his age, dresses well - but I am not attracted to him at all. Why?

1. He is not good at sex. Not at all.
2. We have little in common and our personalities don't mesh well.
3. He is sitting next to me picking his toenails right now, just like he does every night.
4. He has a terrifying temper and the few times that I've seen it flare, it really damaged my emotional trust in him. For women, that's essential to sexual connection.

I blame the lack of sex on our fertility problems but it's not about that. I do appreciate all his good qualities, though. He has a kind heart and more than pulls his weight around the house. If we do manage to have a child I know he'll be a good dad. Then we'll be too busy to bang.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


We get this notion because our husbands are pretty much constantly pressuring us for sex (not to mention: the catcalling in the streets? The unwanted looks and attention we get from men pretty much all the time until we get old? What else are we supposed to think?) I give in once a week to keep him happy but what I'm saying is that if he did the above things, put in that kind of effort, I'd be more in the mood.

Equating a husband's desire for marital sex--which is NORMAL--to being catcalled by a stranger in the street--basically proves the point that PP is completely neurotic and dysfunctional, at least sexually speaking. PP, please don't "give in" at all. That's extremely neurotic behavior on your part. Deluding yourself into believing that if your husband bought you gifts, did chores, etc., your attitude would somehow change, is ridiculous. You're neurotic. You need therapy. Not gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and I have this problem. I've been thinking about it and I think what I need is romance and spontaneity. I want my husband to pursue me the way he did before we got married and had kids. I want him to pursue me the way he would if we were having an affair. I want him to arrange weekend getaways, including babysitters for the kids. Surprise me with plane tickets. Make reservations for restaurants. Gifts: jewelry, flowers, lingerie. It's hard to feel sexy in your own home surrounded by needy children.

Anyway, give this a try OP. See what happens.

Many women get married and sex is always something with a quid pro quo. OP just wants his wife to desire him sexually. I'm sure your husband does too.

For whatever reason, women like yourself--most women being talked about in this thread, most in our society--despite being nominal "feminists," always seem to believe that their vagina is such a wonderful prize that the man in their life has to pay a toll for admission to it.

We get this notion because our husbands are pretty much constantly pressuring us for sex (not to mention: the catcalling in the streets? The unwanted looks and attention we get from men pretty much all the time until we get old? What else are we supposed to think?) I give in once a week to keep him happy but what I'm saying is that if he did the above things, put in that kind of effort, I'd be more in the mood.

This. We are constantly having male sexuality shoved down our throats. We learn that it's something we have to put up with- but I think sometimes the fact that we are always, always forced to prioritize male sexuality stops us from being able to explore and value our own.

It's a societal problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very good-looking - fit, looks young for his age, dresses well - but I am not attracted to him at all. Why?

1. He is not good at sex. Not at all.
2. We have little in common and our personalities don't mesh well.
3. He is sitting next to me picking his toenails right now, just like he does every night.
4. He has a terrifying temper and the few times that I've seen it flare, it really damaged my emotional trust in him. For women, that's essential to sexual connection.

I blame the lack of sex on our fertility problems but it's not about that. I do appreciate all his good qualities, though. He has a kind heart and more than pulls his weight around the house. If we do manage to have a child I know he'll be a good dad. Then we'll be too busy to bang.

1. No, you are not good at sex. At all. You see, if you were, you could have very enjoyable sex even if the other person isn't very adept at it. Frigid, sexually neurotic women always blame their partners for their sexual problems, never themselves. That way, they never have to fix themselves. Further, if you were any good at sex, at all, you would never have considered marrying a person who was in actuality not good at sex, at all.

2. Maybe your personalities don't mesh well because you don't take personal responsibility for your life and seek to blame others. Try being nicer for a change.

3. He is picking his toenails. That bothers you, and you don't like him much at all. Why don't you turn to him and suggest: "Honey, I don't like sex with you, you're no good at it, and I don't like the way you pick your toenails. I don't like you at all. I don't know why I married you. I'd prefer if you'd stay out nights drinking and chasing pussy, so why don't you go do that?" You see when you actually have to make a CHOICE you don't get to be so selfish, PP. Give him permission to have as much sex as he wants with any other woman he wants with no recriminations on your part. That's called being "fair," PP.

4. He has a terrifying temper? I'd like to beat the shit out of you myself, PP, and I don't even know you. Somehow I think you must be the kind of person who brings out the worst in others.

Did throwing poison arrows at me make you feel good about yourself? I'm so glad DCUM is here for you.

[Anonymous]

^Ignore the troll. I already reported him to Jeff.

The guy clearly has issues with women. Probably angry from being rejected so many times.

[Anonymous]

I'm definitely not OP, scout's honor, but I think this PP is the woman who says she has the incredible body and is a catch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a real catch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

This. The guys I dated previously were either really nice but didn't turn me on, or turned me on but were jerks. I think I figured I couldn't have both.
I also married young and am just bored. I constantly wonder what else is out there.

To add, on my part at least, a lot of it is boredom. We've been together for so long that I have begun to view him as a companion rather than a "boyfriend" that I get excited about. He's handsome and a great dad, but after years of the same old day-to-day happenings, I think this may just be the nature of many marriages.
I am in incredible shape yet he rarely compliments me on my looks/figure, despite me communicating this to him. He never makes me feel sexy. He rarely wants to be affectionate unless it leads to sex. Over the years, I have found myself to be much more extroverted, and it annoys me when he doesn't want to attend events/parties/causal gatherings. He isn't a huge conversationalist (spends a lot of time on his iPhone and Nextflix) when I'd love to be out doing something or even staying in and doing something simple like cooking.

I have a fairly high drive and though he's attractive with a good body, I like the lights off so I can think of someone else. That sounds horrible, I know. (And I don't fantasize of move stars, but more everyday guys/dads that are flirty and complimentary).

What's up with that response? She sounds like a catch and is refreshingly honest. Too bad you are threatened by that.

OP here. Just want to make it clear that was not me. I admit a bit of frustration from some of the responses but I have made a point not to be critical of individual posts from spouses who are sharing their situation. I did enjoy the post on the flatulent bobcat thread that spoofed her post, though.

How would anyone even know it was spoofing HER post in particular?

$5 saying you posted it OP. Her response obviously got under your skin. Perhaps this explains the lack of sex with your wife...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm definitely not OP, scout's honor, but I think this PP is the woman who says she has the incredible body and is a catch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a real catch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

This. The guys I dated previously were either really nice but didn't turn me on, or turned me on but were jerks. I think I figured I couldn't have both.
I also married young and am just bored. I constantly wonder what else is out there.

To add, on my part at least, a lot of it is boredom. We've been together for so long that I have begun to view him as a companion rather than a "boyfriend" that I get excited about. He's handsome and a great dad, but after years of the same old day-to-day happenings, I think this may just be the nature of many marriages.
I am in incredible shape yet he rarely compliments me on my looks/figure, despite me communicating this to him. He never makes me feel sexy. He rarely wants to be affectionate unless it leads to sex. Over the years, I have found myself to be much more extroverted, and it annoys me when he doesn't want to attend events/parties/causal gatherings. He isn't a huge conversationalist (spends a lot of time on his iPhone and Nextflix) when I'd love to be out doing something or even staying in and doing something simple like cooking.

I have a fairly high drive and though he's attractive with a good body, I like the lights off so I can think of someone else. That sounds horrible, I know. (And I don't fantasize of move stars, but more everyday guys/dads that are flirty and complimentary).

What's up with that response? She sounds like a catch and is refreshingly honest. Too bad you are threatened by that.

OP here. Just want to make it clear that was not me. I admit a bit of frustration from some of the responses but I have made a point not to be critical of individual posts from spouses who are sharing their situation. I did enjoy the post on the flatulent bobcat thread that spoofed her post, though.

How would anyone even know it was spoofing HER post in particular?

$5 saying you posted it OP. Her response obviously got under your skin. Perhaps this explains the lack of sex with your wife...

I'm wondering what would be funny about that? A woman with an incredible body IS a catch, just like a dude with an incredible body.

[Anonymous]

That's why mistresses were invented. Now I don't have to always be "pressuring" her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and I have this problem. I've been thinking about it and I think what I need is romance and spontaneity. I want my husband to pursue me the way he did before we got married and had kids. I want him to pursue me the way he would if we were having an affair. I want him to arrange weekend getaways, including babysitters for the kids. Surprise me with plane tickets. Make reservations for restaurants. Gifts: jewelry, flowers, lingerie. It's hard to feel sexy in your own home surrounded by needy children.

Anyway, give this a try OP. See what happens.

Many women get married and sex is always something with a quid pro quo. OP just wants his wife to desire him sexually. I'm sure your husband does too.

For whatever reason, women like yourself--most women being talked about in this thread, most in our society--despite being nominal "feminists," always seem to believe that their vagina is such a wonderful prize that the man in their life has to pay a toll for admission to it.

We get this notion because our husbands are pretty much constantly pressuring us for sex (not to mention: the catcalling in the streets? The unwanted looks and attention we get from men pretty much all the time until we get old? What else are we supposed to think?) I give in once a week to keep him happy but what I'm saying is that if he did the above things, put in that kind of effort, I'd be more in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's why mistresses were invented. Now I don't have to always be "pressuring" her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and I have this problem. I've been thinking about it and I think what I need is romance and spontaneity. I want my husband to pursue me the way he did before we got married and had kids. I want him to pursue me the way he would if we were having an affair. I want him to arrange weekend getaways, including babysitters for the kids. Surprise me with plane tickets. Make reservations for restaurants. Gifts: jewelry, flowers, lingerie. It's hard to feel sexy in your own home surrounded by needy children.

Anyway, give this a try OP. See what happens.

Many women get married and sex is always something with a quid pro quo. OP just wants his wife to desire him sexually. I'm sure your husband does too.

For whatever reason, women like yourself--most women being talked about in this thread, most in our society--despite being nominal "feminists," always seem to believe that their vagina is such a wonderful prize that the man in their life has to pay a toll for admission to it.

We get this notion because our husbands are pretty much constantly pressuring us for sex (not to mention: the catcalling in the streets? The unwanted looks and attention we get from men pretty much all the time until we get old? What else are we supposed to think?) I give in once a week to keep him happy but what I'm saying is that if he did the above things, put in that kind of effort, I'd be more in the mood.

That's why divorce was invented. Now, time to pay up! lol...

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way about her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very good-looking - fit, looks young for his age, dresses well - but I am not


attracted to him at all. Why?

1. He is not good at sex. Not at all.
2. We have little in common and our personalities don't mesh well.
3. He is sitting next to me picking his toenails right now, just like he does every night.
4. He has a terrifying temper and the few times that I've seen it flare, it really damaged my emotional trust in him. For women, that's essential to sexual connection.

I blame the lack of sex on our fertility problems but it's not about that. I do appreciate all his good qualities, though. He has a kind heart and more than pulls his weight around the house. If we do manage to have a child I know he'll be a good dad. Then we'll be too busy to bang.

1. No, you are not good at sex. At all. You see, if you were, you could have very enjoyable sex even if the other person isn't very adept at it. Frigid, sexually neurotic women always blame their partners for their sexual problems, never themselves. That way, they never have to fix themselves. Further, if you were any good at sex, at all, you would never have considered marrying a person who was in actuality not good at sex, at all.

2. Maybe your personalities don't mesh well because you don't take personal responsibility for your life and seek to blame others. Try being nicer for a change.

3. He is picking his toenails. That bothers you, and you don't like him much at all. Why don't you turn to him and suggest: "Honey, I don't like sex with you, you're no good at it, and I don't like the way you pick your toenails. I don't like you at all. I don't know why I married you. I'd prefer if you'd stay out nights drinking and chasing pussy, so why don't you go do that?" You see when you actually have to make a CHOICE you don't get to be so selfish, PP. Give him permission to have as much sex as he wants with any other woman he wants with no recriminations on your part. That's called being "fair," PP.

4. He has a terrifying temper? I'd like to beat the shit out of you myself, PP, and I don't even know you. Somehow I think you must be the kind of person who brings out the worst in others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very good-looking - fit, looks young for his age, dresses well - but I am not attracted to him at all. Why?

1. He is not good at sex. Not at all.
2. We have little in common and our personalities don't mesh well.
3. He is sitting next to me picking his toenails right now, just like he does every night.
4. He has a terrifying temper and the few times that I've seen it flare, it really damaged my emotional trust in him. For women, that's essential to sexual connection.

I blame the lack of sex on our fertility problems but it's not about that. I do appreciate all his good qualities, though. He has a kind heart and more than pulls his weight around the house. If we do manage to have a child I know he'll be a good dad. Then we'll be too busy to bang.

Good luck with...all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very good-looking - fit, looks young for his age, dresses well - but I am not attracted to him at all. Why?

1. He is not good at sex. Not at all.
2. We have little in common and our personalities don't mesh well.
3. He is sitting next to me picking his toenails right now, just like he does every night.
4. He has a terrifying temper and the few times that I've seen it flare, it really damaged my emotional trust in him. For women, that's essential to sexual connection.

I blame the lack of sex on our fertility problems but it's not about that. I do appreciate all his good qualities, though. He has a kind heart and more than pulls his weight around the house. If we do manage to have a child I know he'll be a good dad. Then we'll be too busy to bang.

You know he'll be a good dad? With his terrifying temper? Are you kidding?

[Anonymous]

So how does my DH keep me willing to have sex as much as he does?

1) He is very affectionate, even when there is no sex in his future. He is always hugging me, kissing when greeting or leaving, snuggling with me on the couch, holding my hand in public. We went many, many months without sex due to some things that were going on in our lives. His affection did not change at all.

2) He makes me feel like the sexiest woman in the world. Even after gaining 20+lbs. He tells me I'm beautiful and how lucky he is to have me. When I change clothes, he stops to stare at me and even grabs a boob. (Even when there is no sex in sight.)

3) He does a majority of the housework. He likes a cleaner house than me, so he does more of the work. But because of that, my sexual energy isn't being drained away by the dirty dishes in the sink.

4) I alway, alway, alway have an orgasm when we have sex (and usually more than one). So even if I'm tired or not in the mood, I can usually muster up the energy to start. Once we get going, I'm totally in the mood. Luckily, now I orgasm easily. So there isn't too much effort on my part and his. But in my younger days, it was very difficult. And the best boyfriend I had made sure that foreplay started hours, if not days ahead of time. Again with no pressure to have sex now. So we would deep kiss in the kitchen for 2 mins while making dinner. Or he would stroke my boobs during commercials on the couch. The key was no pressure to follow through that evening.

5) Now the one area he is lucky is I prefer we talk about sex vs non-verbal seduction. I much prefer a phone call at work telling me that he'd like to have sex tonight. Or a question on Sat morning about when would I like to have sex this weekend? I think because I don't see sex as a chore or one more thing I 'have to do', I don't mind scheduling it. I think what most women want is to be turned-on on a low level, so that when you do approch them, they want it also. But when you are at a zero, no sexual desire and a mounting to-do list, and sex is brought up--ugh.