Reply to If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

You are overthinking this. The reason why men often have to put in the work to have more sex is because 1) its usually the man that wants sex; and 2) most females have responsive sexual desire so you need to do something to have them respond. As much as I wish it were true, saying "lets fuck" or pushing her up against the wall isn't going to get her going.

Simple economics - the one who wants something more will pay more for it. By and large, men want sex more than women.

Analogy - women, in general, want a cleaner house than men. Who gets stuck doing more of the housework? Women. Because if a man doesn't care, he isn't going to be proactive about cleaning. If he is a good spouse, he will realize his wife wants a clean house and he will help her. But so long as its more important to her, she is going to be stuck initiating the cleaning, doing most of it, and if things get bad, having to verbalize to her spouse the need for him to clean too.

Sex is tricky because he wants her to want to have sex, not just have it. It is understandable, the need to feel desired is universal. Its just not realistic.[/quote]

Yes heaven forbid anyone think too much about these things. :)

Men may want sex more than women.  In that case, they have to be the kind of man that the woman wants enough so that the woman is sufficiently sexual with them.  Since we both agree that sex is the medium of exchange that women use in relationships, and most woman have a practically unlimited amount of such coinage to exchange, the man needs to figure out how to get them to open up the coin purse.

That doesn't mean, as you seem to imply, that the woman needs to have an equal or greater desire for sex with the man, in order for her to be willing to give him the amount of sex he wants.  It simply means he needs to offer her something of at least equal or greater value to herself as the sex she exchanges to him.

Regardless of what women say, what they actually want is an extremely sexually dominant man.  That's what all the women in this thread has been saying.  Not one has said "My husband is too aggressive or sexually dominant, what a turn off."  They have ALL said "my husband is too beta/too passive, what a turn off."  She will give a dominant man the sex he wants not because she has an equal desire for the sex itself, but because of her need to feel possessed by a dominant male.

OP's wife becomes more sexual with him as a direct result of when she thinks she might be "losing" him--maybe she is afraid he will cheat or she will be in competition.  THAT's when she turns it up a notch.  All women are basically the same in that respect.  OP's wife doesn't become more sexual with him when she feels like having more sex, because that never happens.  If she just spontaneously became more sexual with him, it would destroy the quid pro quo, would eliminate her ability to use sexual denial as a power tool in their relationship.  (Shaming OP for wanting his wife to have authentic sexual desire for him rather than using it to manipulate him is a nice touch, too.)  OP's wife doesn't want to become more sexual because she views that as her power source in the relationship.  She'd rather be sexually unhappy--which she obviously must be--then give up her sexual power over her husband.

Women don't get stuck doing the house work because they like a cleaner house than the man.  They get stuck doing more household chores because in exchange, they are getting something of equal value from the husband.   That could be tangible or it could be intangible.  If not, the relationship will be unstable.  Women who do more housework than the man do so by conscious choice and voluntarily.  Including those who periodically bitch and moan about it.    Or, the woman is getting something of value for herself by doing the housework, even if it's not coming from the husband.

However, nothing changes the fact that women who deliberately settle down and marry passive, sexually unexciting men, do so deliberately and as a conscious choice, and should accept responsibility for that.   Since they married a man with a passive personality, they shouldn't expect him to be the agent of change.  If they want change, the women have to be responsible for it.  Similarly, passive men who marry sexually manipulative or cold and frigid women may have to radically change their own behavior to see a change in their wives.  However, that does not mean jumping through hoops and asking the women for sexual "gifts."   [/quote]

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