If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse

[Anonymous]

This would be a mood killer for most of the women on this thread.

Anonymous wrote:So how does my DH keep me willing to have sex as much as he does?

1) He is very affectionate, even when there is no sex in his future. He is always hugging me, kissing when greeting or leaving, snuggling with me on the couch, holding my hand in public. We went many, many months without sex due to some things that were going on in our lives. His affection did not change at all.

2) He makes me feel like the sexiest woman in the world. Even after gaining 20+lbs. He tells me I'm beautiful and how lucky he is to have me. When I change clothes, he stops to stare at me and even grabs a boob. (Even when there is no sex in sight.)

3) He does a majority of the housework. He likes a cleaner house than me, so he does more of the work. But because of that, my sexual energy isn't being drained away by the dirty dishes in the sink.

4) I alway, alway, alway have an orgasm when we have sex (and usually more than one). So even if I'm tired or not in the mood, I can usually muster up the energy to start. Once we get going, I'm totally in the mood. Luckily, now I orgasm easily. So there isn't too much effort on my part and his. But in my younger days, it was very difficult. And the best boyfriend I had made sure that foreplay started hours, if not days ahead of time. Again with no pressure to have sex now. So we would deep kiss in the kitchen for 2 mins while making dinner. Or he would stroke my boobs during commercials on the couch. The key was no pressure to follow through that evening.

5) Now the one area he is lucky is I prefer we talk about sex vs non-verbal seduction. I much prefer a phone call at work telling me that he'd like to have sex tonight. Or a question on Sat morning about when would I like to have sex this weekend? I think because I don't see sex as a chore or one more thing I 'have to do', I don't mind scheduling it. I think what most women want is to be turned-on on a low level, so that when you do approch them, they want it also. But when you are at a zero, no sexual desire and a mounting to-do list, and sex is brought up--ugh.

[Anonymous]

You missed the part about her being a self-described gift from god. Or you didn't, because you are the woman who she has an incredible body and that her husband is a loser.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm definitely not OP, scout's honor, but I think this PP is the woman who says she has the incredible body and is a catch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a real catch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

This. The guys I dated previously were either really nice but didn't turn me on, or turned me on but were jerks. I think I figured I couldn't have both.
I also married young and am just bored. I constantly wonder what else is out there.

To add, on my part at least, a lot of it is boredom. We've been together for so long that I have begun to view him as a companion rather than a "boyfriend" that I get excited about. He's handsome and a great dad, but after years of the same old day-to-day happenings, I think this may just be the nature of many marriages.
I am in incredible shape yet he rarely compliments me on my looks/figure, despite me communicating this to him. He never makes me feel sexy. He rarely wants to be affectionate unless it leads to sex. Over the years, I have found myself to be much more extroverted, and it annoys me when he doesn't want to attend events/parties/causal gatherings. He isn't a huge conversationalist (spends a lot of time on his iPhone and Nextflix) when I'd love to be out doing something or even staying in and doing something simple like cooking.

I have a fairly high drive and though he's attractive with a good body, I like the lights off so I can think of someone else. That sounds horrible, I know. (And I don't fantasize of move stars, but more everyday guys/dads that are flirty and complimentary).

What's up with that response? She sounds like a catch and is refreshingly honest. Too bad you are threatened by that.

OP here. Just want to make it clear that was not me. I admit a bit of frustration from some of the responses but I have made a point not to be critical of individual posts from spouses who are sharing their situation. I did enjoy the post on the flatulent bobcat thread that spoofed her post, though.

How would anyone even know it was spoofing HER post in particular?

$5 saying you posted it OP. Her response obviously got under your skin. Perhaps this explains the lack of sex with your wife...

I'm wondering what would be funny about that? A woman with an incredible body IS a catch, just like a dude with an incredible body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very good-looking - fit, looks young for his age, dresses well - but I am not attracted to him at all. Why?

1. He is not good at sex. Not at all.
2. We have little in common and our personalities don't mesh well.
3. He is sitting next to me picking his toenails right now, just like he does every night.
4. He has a terrifying temper and the few times that I've seen it flare, it really damaged my emotional trust in him. For women, that's essential to sexual connection.

I blame the lack of sex on our fertility problems but it's not about that. I do appreciate all his good qualities, though. He has a kind heart and more than pulls his weight around the house. If we do manage to have a child I know he'll be a good dad. Then we'll be too busy to bang.

Red flags all over the place!

[Anonymous]

Guys with terrifying tempers have kind hearts. Who knew?

[Anonymous]

Ladies -- how many of you would welcome a two minute deep kiss from your husband while you were making dinner? Because if I ignored my wife pushing me away after 3-4 seconds because she has shit to do, she'd get pissed pretty quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys with terrifying tempers have kind hearts. Who knew?

Oh, but he'll change for her. Really. It will be different this time. Because of love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ladies -- how many of you would welcome a two minute deep kiss from your husband while you were making dinner? Because if I ignored my wife pushing me away after 3-4 seconds because she has shit to do, she'd get pissed pretty quickly.

So deep kiss her for 3-4 seconds. And do it in a way where she knows you don't expect sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very good-looking - fit, looks young for his age, dresses well - but I am not attracted to him at all. Why?

1. He is not good at sex. Not at all.
2. We have little in common and our personalities don't mesh well.
3. He is sitting next to me picking his toenails right now, just like he does every night.
4. He has a terrifying temper and the few times that I've seen it flare, it really damaged my emotional trust in him. For women, that's essential to sexual connection.

I blame the lack of sex on our fertility problems but it's not about that. I do appreciate all his good qualities, though. He has a kind heart and more than pulls his weight around the house. If we do manage to have a child I know he'll be a good dad. Then we'll be too busy to bang.

Red flags all over the place!

Pp I married a guy like this. Great job, great on paper. Bad in bed, temper. He is a good father overall but has a horrible temper aand quick to yell at the kids. I regret marrying him. Do not have kids with him it will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

I don't get people who don't want to have sex with their spouse. I don't mean that I judge them, just that I really cannot relate. At all.

But I do have a question: if you (women) don't want to have sex with your husband, why not just budget for weekly prostitutes? Is that a viable solution?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So how does my DH keep me willing to have sex as much as he does?

1) He is very affectionate, even when there is no sex in his future. He is always hugging me, kissing when greeting or leaving, snuggling with me on the couch, holding my hand in public. We went many, many months without sex due to some things that were going on in our lives. His affection did not change at all.

2) He makes me feel like the sexiest woman in the world. Even after gaining 20+lbs. He tells me I'm beautiful and how lucky he is to have me. When I change clothes, he stops to stare at me and even grabs a boob. (Even when there is no sex in sight.)

3) He does a majority of the housework. He likes a cleaner house than me, so he does more of the work. But because of that, my sexual energy isn't being drained away by the dirty dishes in the sink.

4) I alway, alway, alway have an orgasm when we have sex (and usually more than one). So even if I'm tired or not in the mood, I can usually muster up the energy to start. Once we get going, I'm totally in the mood. Luckily, now I orgasm easily. So there isn't too much effort on my part and his. But in my younger days, it was very difficult. And the best boyfriend I had made sure that foreplay started hours, if not days ahead of time. Again with no pressure to have sex now. So we would deep kiss in the kitchen for 2 mins while making dinner. Or he would stroke my boobs during commercials on the couch. The key was no pressure to follow through that evening.

5) Now the one area he is lucky is I prefer we talk about sex vs non-verbal seduction. I much prefer a phone call at work telling me that he'd like to have sex tonight. Or a question on Sat morning about when would I like to have sex this weekend? I think because I don't see sex as a chore or one more thing I 'have to do', I don't mind scheduling it. I think what most women want is to be turned-on on a low level, so that when you do approch them, they want it also. But when you are at a zero, no sexual desire and a mounting to-do list, and sex is brought up--ugh.

This is awesome. This is how all relationships should be and husbands should act.

Unfortunately, many men would rather bitch and whine than actually take the steps to get laid more, like this guy.

Congratulations, PP- you lucked out!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You missed the part about her being a self-described gift from god. Or you didn't, because you are the woman who she has an incredible body and that her husband is a loser.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm definitely not OP, scout's honor, but I think this PP is the woman who says she has the incredible body and is a catch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a real catch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

This. The guys I dated previously were either really nice but didn't turn me on, or turned me on but were jerks. I think I figured I couldn't have both.
I also married young and am just bored. I constantly wonder what else is out there.

To add, on my part at least, a lot of it is boredom. We've been together for so long that I have begun to view him as a companion rather than a "boyfriend" that I get excited about. He's handsome and a great dad, but after years of the same old day-to-day happenings, I think this may just be the nature of many marriages.
I am in incredible shape yet he rarely compliments me on my looks/figure, despite me communicating this to him. He never makes me feel sexy. He rarely wants to be affectionate unless it leads to sex. Over the years, I have found myself to be much more extroverted, and it annoys me when he doesn't want to attend events/parties/causal gatherings. He isn't a huge conversationalist (spends a lot of time on his iPhone and Nextflix) when I'd love to be out doing something or even staying in and doing something simple like cooking.

I have a fairly high drive and though he's attractive with a good body, I like the lights off so I can think of someone else. That sounds horrible, I know. (And I don't fantasize of move stars, but more everyday guys/dads that are flirty and complimentary).

What's up with that response? She sounds like a catch and is refreshingly honest. Too bad you are threatened by that.

OP here. Just want to make it clear that was not me. I admit a bit of frustration from some of the responses but I have made a point not to be critical of individual posts from spouses who are sharing their situation. I did enjoy the post on the flatulent bobcat thread that spoofed her post, though.

How would anyone even know it was spoofing HER post in particular?

$5 saying you posted it OP. Her response obviously got under your skin. Perhaps this explains the lack of sex with your wife...

I'm wondering what would be funny about that? A woman with an incredible body IS a catch, just like a dude with an incredible body.

So? Is the issue with a woman who has a really high self esteem then? It's all starting to make sense...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get people who don't want to have sex with their spouse. I don't mean that I judge them, just that I really cannot relate. At all.

But I do have a question: if you (women) don't want to have sex with your husband, why not just budget for weekly prostitutes? Is that a viable solution?

Cause prostitution is an institution that exploits women.

If a dude wants to step out of his marriage, that is 100% his choice. But he should understand that there are legal consequences.

If you don't like it.... don't get married! Or get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very good-looking - fit, looks young for his age, dresses well - but I am not attracted to him at all. Why?

1. He is not good at sex. Not at all.
2. We have little in common and our personalities don't mesh well.
3. He is sitting next to me picking his toenails right now, just like he does every night.
4. He has a terrifying temper and the few times that I've seen it flare, it really damaged my emotional trust in him. For women, that's essential to sexual connection.

I blame the lack of sex on our fertility problems but it's not about that. I do appreciate all his good qualities, though. He has a kind heart and more than pulls his weight around the house. If we do manage to have a child I know he'll be a good dad. Then we'll be too busy to bang.

Red flags all over the place!

Please: get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So how does my DH keep me willing to have sex as much as he does?

1) He is very affectionate, even when there is no sex in his future. He is always hugging me, kissing when greeting or leaving, snuggling with me on the couch, holding my hand in public. We went many, many months without sex due to some things that were going on in our lives. His affection did not change at all.

2) He makes me feel like the sexiest woman in the world. Even after gaining 20+lbs. He tells me I'm beautiful and how lucky he is to have me. When I change clothes, he stops to stare at me and even grabs a boob. (Even when there is no sex in sight.)

3) He does a majority of the housework. He likes a cleaner house than me, so he does more of the work. But because of that, my sexual energy isn't being drained away by the dirty dishes in the sink.

4) I alway, alway, alway have an orgasm when we have sex (and usually more than one). So even if I'm tired or not in the mood, I can usually muster up the energy to start. Once we get going, I'm totally in the mood. Luckily, now I orgasm easily. So there isn't too much effort on my part and his. But in my younger days, it was very difficult. And the best boyfriend I had made sure that foreplay started hours, if not days ahead of time. Again with no pressure to have sex now. So we would deep kiss in the kitchen for 2 mins while making dinner. Or he would stroke my boobs during commercials on the couch. The key was no pressure to follow through that evening.

5) Now the one area he is lucky is I prefer we talk about sex vs non-verbal seduction. I much prefer a phone call at work telling me that he'd like to have sex tonight. Or a question on Sat morning about when would I like to have sex this weekend? I think because I don't see sex as a chore or one more thing I 'have to do', I don't mind scheduling it. I think what most women want is to be turned-on on a low level, so that when you do approch them, they want it also. But when you are at a zero, no sexual desire and a mounting to-do list, and sex is brought up--ugh.

Congrats on finding a finding a great compromise in your marital sex life. My DW and I are getting to where you two are, after years of intense struggle with libido differences.

I have to say, and not to rain on your parade (or mine) but to give you the opposite (predominantly male) point of view: this is still mildly depressing when you compare it to what men think sex will be like.

Your opening line - how my DH keeps me "willing" to have sex as much as he does. It implies, correctly I am sure, that you don't really want to be having that much sex with your husband but because he is so awesome outside of the bedroom, you allow him to have sex with you and you will usually enjoy yourself once it starts. Again, awesome! But it is so so so different to how men experience and want their partners to experience sex - a primal craving for it, an intense desire - which is something their girlfriends had or appeared to have for them in the early relationship years that men (in futility) try to recapture and waste hours and hours trying to solve as a problem.

With age and my sex drive leveling off to where I can be happy with sex a couple times a week, we are settling into this happy medium you describe above - and your and my DWs willingness to have sex and usually enjoy it fuels my appreciation for her and makes my non-sexual affection authentic.

Which brings me back to OP - you are looking for your wife to desire you the way you desire sex. It isn't going to happen, and will probably never happen for you unless you want to get divorced (and you wouldn't be the first person to get divorced from a decent marriage in search of passion). Women, by and large in long term relationships just aren't wired that way. There are some ravenous women out there, and sometimes women hit a ravenous peak at interval ages or a couple days a month. But given how you have described your wife's libido, I am afraid you are searching in vain for something that is not realistic for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So how does my DH keep me willing to have sex as much as he does?

1) He is very affectionate, even when there is no sex in his future. He is always hugging me, kissing when greeting or leaving, snuggling with me on the couch, holding my hand in public. We went many, many months without sex due to some things that were going on in our lives. His affection did not change at all.

2) He makes me feel like the sexiest woman in the world. Even after gaining 20+lbs. He tells me I'm beautiful and how lucky he is to have me. When I change clothes, he stops to stare at me and even grabs a boob. (Even when there is no sex in sight.)

3) He does a majority of the housework. He likes a cleaner house than me, so he does more of the work. But because of that, my sexual energy isn't being drained away by the dirty dishes in the sink.

4) I alway, alway, alway have an orgasm when we have sex (and usually more than one). So even if I'm tired or not in the mood, I can usually muster up the energy to start. Once we get going, I'm totally in the mood. Luckily, now I orgasm easily. So there isn't too much effort on my part and his. But in my younger days, it was very difficult. And the best boyfriend I had made sure that foreplay started hours, if not days ahead of time. Again with no pressure to have sex now. So we would deep kiss in the kitchen for 2 mins while making dinner. Or he would stroke my boobs during commercials on the couch. The key was no pressure to follow through that evening.

5) Now the one area he is lucky is I prefer we talk about sex vs non-verbal seduction. I much prefer a phone call at work telling me that he'd like to have sex tonight. Or a question on Sat morning about when would I like to have sex this weekend? I think because I don't see sex as a chore or one more thing I 'have to do', I don't mind scheduling it. I think what most women want is to be turned-on on a low level, so that when you do approch them, they want it also. But when you are at a zero, no sexual desire and a mounting to-do list, and sex is brought up--ugh.

Congrats on finding a finding a great compromise in your marital sex life. My DW and I are getting to where you two are, after years of intense struggle with libido differences.

I have to say, and not to rain on your parade (or mine) but to give you the opposite (predominantly male) point of view: this is still mildly depressing when you compare it to what men think sex will be like.

Your opening line - how my DH keeps me "willing" to have sex as much as he does. It implies, correctly I am sure, that you don't really want to be having that much sex with your husband but because he is so awesome outside of the bedroom, you allow him to have sex with you and you will usually enjoy yourself once it starts. Again, awesome! But it is so so so different to how men experience and want their partners to experience sex - a primal craving for it, an intense desire - which is something their girlfriends had or appeared to have for them in the early relationship years that men (in futility) try to recapture and waste hours and hours trying to solve as a problem.

With age and my sex drive leveling off to where I can be happy with sex a couple times a week, we are settling into this happy medium you describe above - and your and my DWs willingness to have sex and usually enjoy it fuels my appreciation for her and makes my non-sexual affection authentic.

Which brings me back to OP - you are looking for your wife to desire you the way you desire sex. It isn't going to happen, and will probably never happen for you unless you want to get divorced (and you wouldn't be the first person to get divorced from a decent marriage in search of passion). Women, by and large in long term relationships just aren't wired that way. There are some ravenous women out there, and sometimes women hit a ravenous peak at interval ages or a couple days a month. But given how you have described your wife's libido, I am afraid you are searching in vain for something that is not realistic for her.

Amen!