I am scared I lost the love of my life.

[Anonymous]

OP is full of shit, trying to change his story multiple times and getting butthurt when anyone here dares suggest some of his response was inappropriate. I hope she does leave you and you learn enough to grow up, she deserves someone who doesn't say "I don't know if I can live my life without biological kids" which is akin to "I don't know if I can live my life with Mary." Never mind that YOU still can have bio kids, Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is full of shit, trying to change his story multiple times and getting butthurt when anyone here dares suggest some of his response was inappropriate. I hope she does leave you and you learn enough to grow up, she deserves someone who doesn't say "I don't know if I can live my life without biological kids" which is akin to "I don't know if I can live my life with Mary." Never mind that YOU still can have bio kids, Jesus.

x2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a piece of advice for when you talk to your girlfriend -- don't rewrite history. Don't pretend you didn't have doubts about the relationship when you heard the news. She knows you did, she saw your emails with your sister. If you try to claim now that you never had second thoughts about marrying her, she'll know you're full of it and just trying not to lose her *right now*, which offers her no assurances about the future. You're better off owning up to your confusion, telling her you've been thinking a lot, and know you want to be with her no matter how you go about creating your family. At least then she'll has some reassurance that you're not just having a knee-jerk reaction to her leaving, and aren't just trying to maintain the status quo at her expense while you figure out your own feelings.

Because you're not, right? This isn't just about keeping her around while you figure out if you still want to marry her? You're in this 100%, even if it means no biological children?

OP here. I emailed my sister saying I crushed that I may not have a child of my own DNA. My parents passed away young and my sister and I are the only ones to keep our blood like going. Despite how it may have sounded, I did not say I was questioning ending my relationship. That thought never crossed my mind. We were dealt a massive but infertility does not change that I'm still going to marry her.

I think there is some confusion. I was with her during the time. I only went out to a pre-planned event because we were both suppose to be out. She never let me know she was not going to her sisters that night. I did not get drunk to the point of vomit. I was just loud and knocked a few things over. That woke her up and she fixed the stuffed I knocked over and we went to sleep. I was surprised she was there still.


She called last night and said she wants to talk over dinner. I'm nervous as hell. I'm also worried too. For a woman who rarely drinks ( same as me), she got drunk both Saturday and last night. I know she is hurting and I wish I can take that pain away.

Good luck OP, I don't think your actions warrant losing her. It's not as if you are getting drunk like that often, right? And as far as the infertility, there is always donor egg. I donated my eggs to 4 couples and I found it was a very rewarding experience, it made me feel really great being able to help people in that way. You can still have a bio child.

[Anonymous]

His girlfriend may still be able to have children, but it probably will cost beaucoup money. She'll probably have to do IVF with an endo scratch before embryo transfer. I think the doctor just pulled that 10% odds of conceiving out of his ass. She should go to a fertility forum (not DCUM, but something like Resolve) and get educated on clinics and procedures that might work for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg, what a bunch of jerks on this thread. He had one really emotional outburst in reaction to devastating news and everyone has decided OP is a horrible person. Dear lord, we all screw up at some point in time. He didn't handle it well but that doesn't mean he can't man up now and make it right. This is a big, emotional issue. Cut him a little slack!

He is a jerk because he made he horrible news about HIS GIRLFRIENDS fertility about him. He is selfish, full stop.

HE KNOWS HE MADE A MISTAKE!! So you're perfect and never reacted badly to anything? Ever? Someone who is truly a jerk would still be making it about themselves and not see that they did anything wrong. Holy crap what a bunch of perfect bitches.

PP here. Look, everyone has made mistakes and the people that say they haven't are lying. That said, the title wasn't what big relationship mistake did you make (apart from adultery/abuse/addiction) and how did you get your partner take you back? That would be a completely different thread. Also, nuances matter and it wasn't clear from the initial posts if OP had moments of doubt about the situation and if he was in the midst of some sort of "deal breaker" decision. Most people, atleast the ones not calling Op a jerk are all saying the same thing.

1) Own your truth whatever it is. If it was grief talking as you later clarified about you seeing it as a "we are infertile" and the impact of having lost your parents then be upfront. If you were having doubts of needed time to think, be honest about that. If your truth is that deep down you can't cope, be honest about that. I'm NOT saying this to question you, I'm just saying only you know the truth of what you were feeling and why. We (Internet strangers) are parsing words to figure this out. Also, sometimes people lie to themselves about things like the woman that tries to be the "cool" girlfriend and never brings up marriage with a boyfriend though she wants to be married or the person that agrees not to have kids though they really want to have kids.

2) You need to be a team. Yes, there are times we fall short but that should be the goal and if you fall off track, you should be trying to get back on track.

3) Make sure you understand why she is upset and listen. Obviously just on this post we (Internet strangers) can't agree on what was the actual mistake. Some people think you should have okayed going to your sister, other people think it was fine. At the end of the day,it only matters why your girlfriend was upset and it may or may not be the same reasons we are guessing. So much of communication/miscommunication has to do with tone, context, and expectations each party has about the situation,

So listen to her concerns, own your truth, and remember/act like you are a team and I'm fairly certain you haven't lost her.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you for all the kind responses. I am admitting that it was wrong to go to my sister, but it was also wrong she read my emails. I told my sister I wasn't sure if I could live without blood children, not my girlfriend. The day we found out, I left work and we sat and cried for hours. I was cryshed -- just like she was. She told me she loved me but didn't want me to hate her if she couldn't give me children. I told her that would never happen. Sometimes things hit you so hard you say things you don't mean.

I told my sister how I felt, but I was in a state of shock. I know my girlfriend doesn't want to end things, and I don't want to either. She was scheduled to go out this weekend, but I know she needs time to think and that is why she asked for space to think. We are good people who have been dealt a bad blow. We can see if things change with having our own, but we can always adopt or use donor eggs, too. I would rather be childless than let her go because of this. This is my true feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for all the kind responses. I am admitting that it was wrong to go to my sister, but it was also wrong she read my emails. I told my sister I wasn't sure if I could live without blood children, not my girlfriend. The day we found out, I left work and we sat and cried for hours. I was cryshed -- just like she was. She told me she loved me but didn't want me to hate her if she couldn't give me children. I told her that would never happen. Sometimes things hit you so hard you say things you don't mean.

I told my sister how I felt, but I was in a state of shock. I know my girlfriend doesn't want to end things, and I don't want to either. She was scheduled to go out this weekend, but I know she needs time to think and that is why she asked for space to think. We are good people who have been dealt a bad blow. We can see if things change with having our own, but we can always adopt or use donor eggs, too. I would rather be childless than let her go because of this. This is my true feelings.

Good luck to you both, OP.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps she didn't appreciate the way that you dealt w/the bad news. Instead of talking things out w/her & being there for her, you chose to go out on your own + get drunk.

I totally get that each and every person deals w/stress in totally different ways. We all are unique in that way.

She may be thinking that this is how you will behave in any future catastrophes and it may be an eye-opener for her. Kind of like a test of how you deal w/issues in life.

So she may need some time on her own to think things over.

I would let her have her time. I am sure you have apologized to her over & over, but she needs to do what she feels is right in her heart.

You may lose her. Or maybe not.

But you do owe her this time to figure everything out.

Good luck OP. I sincerely hope things eventually work out in your favor.

To err...is completely human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps she didn't appreciate the way that you dealt w/the bad news. Instead of talking things out w/her & being there for her, you chose to go out on your own + get drunk.

I totally get that each and every person deals w/stress in totally different ways. We all are unique in that way.

She may be thinking that this is how you will behave in any future catastrophes and it may be an eye-opener for her. Kind of like a test of how you deal w/issues in life.

So she may need some time on her own to think things over.

I would let her have her time. I am sure you have apologized to her over & over, but she needs to do what she feels is right in her heart.

You may lose her. Or maybe not.

But you do owe her this time to figure everything out.

Good luck OP. I sincerely hope things eventually work out in your favor.

To err...is completely human.

Like I said, I was with her. I got drunk the next day at a good friends party. It was a pre-planned event and she had plans, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps she didn't appreciate the way that you dealt w/the bad news. Instead of talking things out w/her & being there for her, you chose to go out on your own + get drunk.

I totally get that each and every person deals w/stress in totally different ways. We all are unique in that way.

She may be thinking that this is how you will behave in any future catastrophes and it may be an eye-opener for her. Kind of like a test of how you deal w/issues in life.

So she may need some time on her own to think things over.

I would let her have her time. I am sure you have apologized to her over & over, but she needs to do what she feels is right in her heart.

You may lose her. Or maybe not.

But you do owe her this time to figure everything out.

Good luck OP. I sincerely hope things eventually work out in your favor.

To err...is completely human.

Like I said, I was with her. I got drunk the next day at a good friends party. It was a pre-planned event and she had plans, too.

I'm lost. Then why is she upset? That you got drunk at all? Or that you talked about the issue with your sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps she didn't appreciate the way that you dealt w/the bad news. Instead of talking things out w/her & being there for her, you chose to go out on your own + get drunk.

I totally get that each and every person deals w/stress in totally different ways. We all are unique in that way.

She may be thinking that this is how you will behave in any future catastrophes and it may be an eye-opener for her. Kind of like a test of how you deal w/issues in life.

So she may need some time on her own to think things over.

I would let her have her time. I am sure you have apologized to her over & over, but she needs to do what she feels is right in her heart.

You may lose her. Or maybe not.

But you do owe her this time to figure everything out.

Good luck OP. I sincerely hope things eventually work out in your favor.

To err...is completely human.

It's not that I got drunk. Apparently she did too. I don't honestly know completely why. I know she is upset about telling my sister, but I think her needing space if for herself. She said she is afraid I will resent her down the road.


Like I said, I was with her. I got drunk the next day at a good friends party. It was a pre-planned event and she had plans, too.

I'm lost. Then why is she upset? That you got drunk at all? Or that you talked about the issue with your sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps she didn't appreciate the way that you dealt w/the bad news. Instead of talking things out w/her & being there for her, you chose to go out on your own + get drunk.

I totally get that each and every person deals w/stress in totally different ways. We all are unique in that way.

She may be thinking that this is how you will behave in any future catastrophes and it may be an eye-opener for her. Kind of like a test of how you deal w/issues in life.

So she may need some time on her own to think things over.

I would let her have her time. I am sure you have apologized to her over & over, but she needs to do what she feels is right in her heart.

You may lose her. Or maybe not.

But you do owe her this time to figure everything out.

Good luck OP. I sincerely hope things eventually work out in your favor.

To err...is completely human.

It's not that I got drunk. Apparently she did too. I don't honestly know completely why. I know she is upset about telling my sister, but I think her needing space if for herself. She said she is afraid I will resent her down the road.


Like I said, I was with her. I got drunk the next day at a good friends party. It was a pre-planned event and she had plans, too.

I'm lost. Then why is she upset? That you got drunk at all? Or that you talked about the issue with your sister?

I stated this earlier, and this would be the reason why I would not stay. It will always be in the back of her mind. I don't know know if you can convince her that this wouldn't be the case. However, earlier in the thread you stated that she said something to the effect of how she thought your behavior was immature or something. What behavior is she referencing that was immature, if not getting drunk in response to this issue? I'm still a bit lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a piece of advice for when you talk to your girlfriend -- don't rewrite history. Don't pretend you didn't have doubts about the relationship when you heard the news. She knows you did, she saw your emails with your sister. If you try to claim now that you never had second thoughts about marrying her, she'll know you're full of it and just trying not to lose her *right now*, which offers her no assurances about the future. You're better off owning up to your confusion, telling her you've been thinking a lot, and know you want to be with her no matter how you go about creating your family. At least then she'll has some reassurance that you're not just having a knee-jerk reaction to her leaving, and aren't just trying to maintain the status quo at her expense while you figure out your own feelings.

Because you're not, right? This isn't just about keeping her around while you figure out if you still want to marry her? You're in this 100%, even if it means no biological children?

OP here. I emailed my sister saying I crushed that I may not have a child of my own DNA. My parents passed away young and my sister and I are the only ones to keep our blood like going. Despite how it may have sounded, I did not say I was questioning ending my relationship. That thought never crossed my mind. We were dealt a massive but infertility does not change that I'm still going to marry her.

OP- in your original post you clear say you threw up and she cleaned it up. Why do you keep changing your story?


I think there is some confusion. I was with her during the time. I only went out to a pre-planned event because we were both suppose to be out. She never let me know she was not going to her sisters that night. I did not get drunk to the point of vomit. I was just loud and knocked a few things over. That woke her up and she fixed the stuffed I knocked over and we went to sleep. I was surprised she was there still.


She called last night and said she wants to talk over dinner. I'm nervous as hell. I'm also worried too. For a woman who rarely drinks ( same as me), she got drunk both Saturday and last night. I know she is hurting and I wish I can take that pain away.

OP, I want to like you but your original post said this:

"I threw up and she got up to help clean up."

At first I thought you were just clarifying details in your later posts but you are definitely changing your story. I know you love your girlfriend very much and want to marry her but it's a huge red flag if you can't even stick to one story on an anonymous board like this. I wonder if you're really accepting your responsibility for your part in this story or just shifting things around in an effort to get us to like you.

OP here. I don't really care if you like me. I didn't word things correctly. I did throw up but that was after we went to bed. She was already sleep and did not help with that part.

I don't really care about this board. I came here to ask questions and 90% are saying I'm a horrible person or talking badly about her. We are bitter great people that have been through a lot together. I feel bad I got drunk but we did not go seperately after this. I left work and we spent all day and night crying and talking. Everyone has handle a situation wrong, so don't act like you haven't. Thank you for the posters that were actually helpful. We will get through this together. I'm not going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think me getting dunk was the issue. Without going into too much detail I will provide the bad news. Last week she found her chance of fertility is 10%. She has dealt with pcos and ovarian cysts. 5 out of 8 women in her family have had endometriosis and ovarian or cervical cancer.

We both really want children. This was and is devestating news. We had a discussion and I told her I was unsure if I can see a future without children. She said she loves me but understands if this is a deal breaker. She doesn't want me to give up or ruin my dream of having a family.

I wasn't as supportive as I should of been. I told she I needed time to digest things. I forgot my iPad is synced to my phone and she read emails between my sister and I. I said that I didn't I could live life w.o have a bio child and I want a wife that can give me that. I was very emotional and did not mean I would end anything with her.

She ( girlfriend) wrote that she was disappointed by me choosing to go out and get drunk, rather than be there for her. Also telling my sister upset her. This is why she said she needed a break.

Yeah, this is bad. The way you wrote the initial post, I assumed someone in YOUR family had been diagnosed with cancer, or arrested for a crime, or something, and in that case I would absolutely say your behavior was no big deal, and if she can't live with you going out and getting hammered one night, she's not at all serious about the relationship.

But this is something that happened to HER. As much as you want to pretend it's something that happened to the two of mutually, your very explanations about "finding a wife who can give you biological children" prove it happened to her and not the two of you. You've said it right there - you have the ability to move on and find someone with whom fertility will not be an issue. Whether she stays with you or you leave her and she finds someone else, she will always be dealing with this. The issue is hers, and you flunked on being supportive big time.

[Anonymous]

OP you DID say you couldn't see your life with her because she's unlikely to have bio children naturally and you said "I don't know if I can live without bio kids." At 32 I really can't understand how you don't recognize that honest translation of your words. Keep on trying to rewrite things and see where that gets you.

Or be an adult and own your fucking shit.