I am scared I lost the love of my life.

[Anonymous]

There are too many red flags (from you)...Let her go, she deserves someone else.

[Anonymous]

I understand your devastation if you had a vision in your head of your future with this woman. When the RE tols me and my brand new husband that we had less than a 1 percent chance of conceiving naturally because of his health issues I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. It took a minute to process.

BUT this news doesnt mean you cant have kids. You can have kids/a family. Donor eggs, adoption are all options.

This is a huge something to have to deal with but it seems to also have shown you what is most important: You love this woman and want to make a life with her.

I sincerely hope everything works out for you two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are too many red flags (from you)...Let her go, she deserves someone else.

Agreed. In a stressful situation, your first response was to cut her out, talk to your sister, and then get smashed and make her take care of YOU.

Guess what? Like isn't all rainbows and roses. People get hurt. People get sick. People lose their jobs. Any of these things could happen in the future, and you've just demonstrated that you are not the kind of man she wants to be with when things get real.

[Anonymous]

How old are you and your girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

To be blunt neither of you are ready for marriage. I wouldn't put too much weight into the this is the first girl I wanted to marry.
All that means is you're getting older and realizing relationships are more than hanging out and sex.
There is no love of your life.
There is two people choosing to be together, to live together, and work through whatever life throws their way.
Could you have reacted better?
Yes.
Could she have reacted better?
Yes.
Neither getting drunk or shutting down and freezing people out are helpful reactions.
Does it mean it's over for you?
Nope.
It means you both got some insight on how the other reacts during tough times.
You can work through this if both of you want to.
On the other hand this might be what you both need to move on from each other and find a better match.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think me getting dunk was the issue. Without going into too much detail I will provide the bad news. Last week she found her chance of fertility is 10%. She has dealt with pcos and ovarian cysts. 5 out of 8 women in her family have had endometriosis and ovarian or cervical cancer.

We both really want children. This was and is devestating news. We had a discussion and I told her I was unsure if I can see a future without children. She said she loves me but understands if this is a deal breaker. She doesn't want me to give up or ruin my dream of having a family.

I wasn't as supportive as I should of been. I told she I needed time to digest things. I forgot my iPad is synced to my phone and she read emails between my sister and I. I said that I didn't I could live life w.o have a bio child and I want a wife that can give me that. I was very emotional and did not mean I would end anything with her.

She ( girlfriend) wrote that she was disappointed by me choosing to go out and get drunk, rather than be there for her. Also telling my sister upset her. This is why she said she needed a break.

Oh, OP. This all sucks. First, I'm sorry for the bad news, I can understand why that would be devastating. But yeah, your reaction was terrible, and I can understand why she was hurt and is questioning the relationship. No matter how you feel about her today and no matter what you say to her, she has no assurance that you won't feel differently after you've been married a few years, aren't able to have biological children together, and won't decide to leave her to find someone who can give you that. I'm glad you're respecting her need for space right now, as painful as it is.

You should be taking some space of your own right now too, though. You may have been very emotional when you wrote that email to your sister, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't your real feelings you were expressing. Do your best not to play out the scenario in my prior paragraph. If not having a biological child would be a dealbreaker for you, it's so much better for both of you to be honest about this now than carry it into marriage. Yes, it would be painful to end the relationship, but it would be that much more painful later.

It's not a bad thing to want a biological child. Don't let anyone shame you for feeling that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are too many red flags (from you)...Let her go, she deserves someone else.

Agreed. In a stressful situation, your first response was to cut her out, talk to your sister, and then get smashed and make her take care of YOU.

Guess what? Like isn't all rainbows and roses. People get hurt. People get sick. People lose their jobs. Any of these things could happen in the future, and you've just demonstrated that you are not the kind of man she wants to be with when things get real.

+1 She is better off without you.

[Anonymous]

It's not a bad thing to want a biological child. Don't let anyone shame you for feeling that way.

No one is saying that it IS a bad thing. But OP isn't the one with fertility issues. HE could still end up with a biological kid through surrogacy or donor eggs. But his immediate response was not to support his partner, but to wallow in his own self-pity and to turn outward for support.

In his girlfriend's shoes, I'd look at this and think "This is not the guy I want at my side if our child is born with special needs, or if I get breast cancer, or basically if life happens."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's not a bad thing to want a biological child. Don't let anyone shame you for feeling that way.

No one is saying that it IS a bad thing. But OP isn't the one with fertility issues. HE could still end up with a biological kid through surrogacy or donor eggs. But his immediate response was not to support his partner, but to wallow in his own self-pity and to turn outward for support.

In his girlfriend's shoes, I'd look at this and think "This is not the guy I want at my side if our child is born with special needs, or if I get breast cancer, or basically if life happens."

Honestly I wouldn't want either of them as partners right now.
Both need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are better off contacting your girlfriend and working things out from there.
You know her better than anyone here.
All you will get here is women who mostly hate men.
I also suggest you do a little soul searching before you reach out to your girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

OP, I really think you should just move on. My cousin had cancer and couldn't have kids. Her boyfriend looked pressured and miserable through the whole cancer, engagement, wedding. They ended up divorced. She re-married someone a bit more mature who was aware of her health issues. They had a daughter together. I didn't pry and ask how. Maybe she froze her eggs before she had radiation treatment for cancer. I don't know.

No one knows what will happen in life. You could be the one with health diagnosis tomorrow. Your reaction seems like a spoiled child who isn't getting his way. Just break up with her. You both will move on.

You could break up with her, and just let her know that the news made you realize that you aren't ready for a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think me getting dunk was the issue. Without going into too much detail I will provide the bad news. Last week she found her chance of fertility is 10%. She has dealt with pcos and ovarian cysts. 5 out of 8 women in her family have had endometriosis and ovarian or cervical cancer.

We both really want children. This was and is devestating news. We had a discussion and I told her I was unsure if I can see a future without children. She said she loves me but understands if this is a deal breaker. She doesn't want me to give up or ruin my dream of having a family.

I wasn't as supportive as I should of been. I told she I needed time to digest things. I forgot my iPad is synced to my phone and she read emails between my sister and I. I said that I didn't I could live life w.o have a bio child and I want a wife that can give me that. I was very emotional and did not mean I would end anything with her.

She ( girlfriend) wrote that she was disappointed by me choosing to go out and get drunk, rather than be there for her. Also telling my sister upset her. This is why she said she needed a break.

Here's the biggest issue in my opinion, your choosing to get drunk and making her clean up was bad, but mistakes were made before that. Instead of handling this as a team you both went into individual mode. Instead of being honest about your feelings with each other you said what you thought the other would want to hear and control the others reaction.
Learn from this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really think you should just move on. My cousin had cancer and couldn't have kids. Her boyfriend looked pressured and miserable through the whole cancer, engagement, wedding. They ended up divorced. She re-married someone a bit more mature who was aware of her health issues. They had a daughter together. I didn't pry and ask how. Maybe she froze her eggs before she had radiation treatment for cancer. I don't know.

No one knows what will happen in life. You could be the one with health diagnosis tomorrow. Your reaction seems like a spoiled child who isn't getting his way. Just break up with her. You both will move on.

You could break up with her, and just let her know that the news made you realize that you aren't ready for a relationship.

Neither is she.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are better off contacting your girlfriend and working things out from there.
You know her better than anyone here.
All you will get here is women who mostly hate men.
I also suggest you do a little soul searching before you reach out to your girlfriend.

Yup. Just look at the topics in this forum, and ask yourself if you really want advice from a bunch of people in sexless marriages that are contemplating divorces or affairs.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I didn't just leave her. We spent the night crying, sharing our feelings, and me comforting her. Yes, I acted like an ass the next night and there isn't any excuse for it. I would love a bio child but that doesn't mean we can't adopt. It hit me hard at first, but this news doesn't change my feelings of love or that I want to marry her. I don't blame her for needing a break. More importantly, I know she may end it because she doesn't want me to deal with this. She is a very living and giving person. She puts others first all the time.


To the one poster -- I have felt like I wanted to marry other women but not in this way. Some things were never there but I know my current girlfriend is the one for me. I tesircy fully disagree that she overreacted.


Other poster - She just turned 29 and I'll be 32 in November.