I am scared I lost the love of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really think you should just move on. My cousin had cancer and couldn't have kids. Her boyfriend looked pressured and miserable through the whole cancer, engagement, wedding. They ended up divorced. She re-married someone a bit more mature who was aware of her health issues. They had a daughter together. I didn't pry and ask how. Maybe she froze her eggs before she had radiation treatment for cancer. I don't know.

No one knows what will happen in life. You could be the one with health diagnosis tomorrow. Your reaction seems like a spoiled child who isn't getting his way. Just break up with her. You both will move on.

You could break up with her, and just let her know that the news made you realize that you aren't ready for a relationship.

Neither is she.

Why do you say that? I'm not seeing it.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I need to share that she was already supposed to go to get sisters this weekend. She never said the words break but insinuated it. The note said she wanted this time alone to further digest and think about things.

[Anonymous]

14:19 poster here

I think it is easy for people who haven't been through something similar and who also dont know you and your SO to judge on what should have been said or done. There are many different ways you might have handled it but that ship has sailed. You cannnot go back and undo all you can do is move forward and if this is the lady for you, say that and soon. Let her know that. Let her know you want to make a life with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here again. This is the only woman I've dated that I have pictured a future with. I admit I didn't take it well, but how are you suppose to take something like this? I think she is very upset over me going to my friends and sister before really talking to her about my feelings and emotions.

NP here. Try putting the shoe on the other foot. Say you found out you were sterile or you were having impotence issues, would you appreciate you girlfriend getting drunk to deal and telling her friends and seeing her discuss these details over email with her brother, and not doing anything to be there for you? If you were in that situation wouldn't you be mortified that your girlfriend was sharing your personal details with other people like that? Wouldn't you already be grappling with feelings of disappointment, fear your SO will leave you to have bio kids with someone else AND your self-worth being tied up with the fertility issues? The crazy thing is I could see if she was telling her sister or friends that she can't have kids but you are the one going all around town and technicality speaking YOU can have bio kids (as far as you know) but it just can't be with your current girlfriend. Because if this was really a we can't have biological kids because there is no universe in which you would want to be married to anyone other than your girlfriend (kids or not) you should darn well have made that clear to your girlfriend and she should have been the one you were turning to.


Now I understand that when faced with things that are difficult we don't always have the perfect response but you need to own your mistakes, try to grow from it, and don't make the same one more than once. Despite royally screwing things up, I like to think you haven't lost her but as others have said think carefully about your next step. If you meant what you wrote to your sister, while the situation sucks all around, be honest with girlfriend if this is a deal breaker. Better for her to find the guy that already has kids or is truly fine not having bio kids. As a guy you have a long time that you can have biological children so you can be 50 meet the next love of your life and still have a kid. If you decide you really can live without biological children, you need to own up to your mistakes. Your hopefully soon to be wife should be you partner, your rock, your best friend and vice versa. You need to apologize that you didn't put her first, you didn't come to her first to discuss how you feel, and you actually need to discuss how you feel. There is still the question of adoption and she is willing to go thru fertility treatments (assuming it is an option). You still need to be on the same page if you could both live with never being a parent in any form and what length you ad willing to go to try. You also need to tell your sister that even though you were upset, it wasn't right to put her in the middle of your relationship and turn to her before your girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

I don't see why people are saying the girlfriend acted immaturely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think me getting dunk was the issue. Without going into too much detail I will provide the bad news. Last week she found her chance of fertility is 10%. She has dealt with pcos and ovarian cysts. 5 out of 8 women in her family have had endometriosis and ovarian or cervical cancer.

We both really want children. This was and is devestating news. We had a discussion and I told her I was unsure if I can see a future without children. She said she loves me but understands if this is a deal breaker. She doesn't want me to give up or ruin my dream of having a family.

I wasn't as supportive as I should of been. I told she I needed time to digest things. I forgot my iPad is synced to my phone and she read emails between my sister and I. I said that I didn't I could live life w.o have a bio child and I want a wife that can give me that. I was very emotional and did not mean I would end anything with her.

She ( girlfriend) wrote that she was disappointed by me choosing to go out and get drunk, rather than be there for her. Also telling my sister upset her. This is why she said she needed a break.

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE, OP. Hopefully she will have some alone time and come to this herself. But, please don't beat yourself up for feeling your feelings. You BOTH were delivered a severe blow with this news.

I hope you guys find a way to work through it in a way that strengthens you both---whether you stay together or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's not a bad thing to want a biological child. Don't let anyone shame you for feeling that way.

It's bad thing when you're a self-absorbed, binge drinking douche canoe. OP, you have no business propagating your genes. Let her go and find someone so much better.

[Anonymous]

Also, I imagine you didn't want to share these raw feelings with her because they seemed unkind. It's appropriate to have taken these thoughts elsewhere, until you found a way to approach in appropriately.

NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

This is not a scene from a movie. It's life, and that can get pretty messy from what I hear.

[Anonymous]

OP, did she give you the okay to talk to your sister about this? That's some deeply personal, private medical information about your girlfriend that you just started spreading around, so I hope you got her permission first.

[Anonymous]

Op do you want to marry her? Would you still be happy to be married to her if you two could not have a baby together?

If so, maybe send her a calm loving apologetic email telling her that.

[Anonymous]

I would've walked out on you for all the reasons PPs have mentioned. This was probably more devastating to her than you since it's her that has very little chance of having children. You acted selfishly and immaturely, and I agree with another PP, I would not, could not attempt to have a child with a man with such behavior looming over my head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are too many red flags (from you)...Let her go, she deserves someone else.

Agreed. In a stressful situation, your first response was to cut her out, talk to your sister, and then get smashed and make her take care of YOU.

Guess what? Like isn't all rainbows and roses. People get hurt. People get sick. People lose their jobs. Any of these things could happen in the future, and you've just demonstrated that you are not the kind of man she wants to be with when things get real.

+1000 to all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Also, I imagine you didn't want to share these raw feelings with her because they seemed unkind. It's appropriate to have taken these thoughts elsewhere, until you found a way to approach in appropriately.

NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

This is not a scene from a movie. It's life, and that can get pretty messy from what I hear.

I completely agree, so sorry OP that you have gotten some really harsh responses.

On another note, as a married committed person, my husbands infertility IS my infertility. It takes 2 fertile people to have a biological baby and if one half kd the couple is unable then the couple is infertile.
I understand, trust me I understand, the countless other ways to have a child, but it is still a blow to the other half of the couple to find out "they" together are unable to conceive. It sounds like that is what OP was dealing with, and who are we to say what is the right way to grieve that loss?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why people are saying the girlfriend acted immaturely.

I agree. She received devastating news. She's allowed to be very upset and ask for alone time. I would want a break from a boyfriend that gets drunk to deal with problems, as well. She acted normally, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I did write that I was there for her. I left work and we spent the entire day and night on Thursday together. We cried, I comforted, and we did speak. We did discuss some stuff but not everything. I told her I loved her and that this didn't change that. Then we both worked Friday. She was suppose to go to her sisters and I out for a friends birthday.
I went out and had too much to drink, which I normally drink every 1-2 months.

I'm every close with my sister. We lost our parents when I was a teen and she practically raised me. I didn't have permission but she is the one I go to. I didn't tell anyone but her.

Now, I love my girlfriend. We have gone through death, surgeries, and illness during our time together. We have worked through everything. I will support her to the end and she knows it. We have come out stronger. She is a beautiful person that I feel so lucky to have in my life. I am not ready to give it up. This was intended as a " what to do" situation. This is more of how do I get her back?