I am scared I lost the love of my life.

[Anonymous]

OP, you didn't mean to have the response you did. You messed up and you want to make it up to her. No matter how sanctimonious other posters are, many of us have been in your shoes one way or another. He'll show her this thread so she can see how sorry you are. It will all work out as it should!

[Anonymous]

1) You can have bio kids--donor eggs. We are going that route after many years of IF treatments.

2) You have every right to process things with your sister. There are things I discuss with my BBFs that I don't say to DH. We process things differently. I don't hide things from DH, but I have one friend that I can go into tiny, tiny details as I work things out in my head. Once I've worked it out, then I talk to DH about it.

3) You both are grieving. Grieving makes us act in weird ways. My DH is super supportive. But when we had a stillbirth, we both acted badly. But we were also kind to each other and forgave each other some of the stuff we did/said.

4) Explain to her that you were grieving the loss of a combo bio child. But now you see that there are many options to having children. And you want to have kids with her, bio or not.

5) If she can't forgive you, then this isn't the woman for you. Yes, you made a mistake. But so does everyone. And if she can't see past that, and see how you are apologizing now...not the woman for you.

6) That being said, she is also grieving. And as I said before, grief makes people act weird. So forgive her if she says some mean things to you. Give her time to work through what she needs to work through.

7) Be kind to each other...be kind to each other...be kind to each other!!

[Anonymous]

You deserve to be left, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You deserve to be left, OP.

Why? I don't taste anything wrong with the way OP handled things. He clarified that he didn't just leave. They were today the day of the news and then he went to a friends party and she went to her sisters, as planned. Most can say they have drunk a little too much on one or two occasions. Unless OP is an alcoholic, getting drunk once in a whole isn't a major concern. I think they are both grieving. It was wrong for him to tell his sister, but I don't think he has done anything to warrant her needing a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You deserve to be left, OP.

Why? I don't taste anything wrong with the way OP handled things. He clarified that he didn't just leave. They were today the day of the news and then he went to a friends party and she went to her sisters, as planned. Most can say they have drunk a little too much on one or two occasions. Unless OP is an alcoholic, getting drunk once in a whole isn't a major concern. I think they are both grieving. It was wrong for him to tell his sister, but I don't think he has done anything to warrant her needing a break.

He acted like a selfish assclown. I would be just as done as his girlfriend is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You deserve to be left, OP.

Why? I don't taste anything wrong with the way OP handled things. He clarified that he didn't just leave. They were today the day of the news and then he went to a friends party and she went to her sisters, as planned. Most can say they have drunk a little too much on one or two occasions. Unless OP is an alcoholic, getting drunk once in a whole isn't a major concern. I think they are both grieving. It was wrong for him to tell his sister, but I don't think he has done anything to warrant her needing a break.

It was wrong for him to get drunk as well, it may have been his natural reaction , but it was wrong. Being drunk and hen coming back expecting her to take care of him, is not good. I might be willing to give more of a pass if he drank to much, crashed on the couch of a friend or his sister and sobered up.
I don't think he's done something completely unforgiveable, but I'm not the gf. My guess is this incident was the tipping point in the relationship for her.
In general I think they both have a lot of learning to do when it comes to being in a relationship.
I do agree with you that they are both grieving.

[Anonymous]

OP: you have not lost her yet. I do not know what you need to do to get her back. I would go to https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/ and ask the kind people there. I saw people there poured their hearts and personal experience out to help one another. They will be able to help you and your gf to build a happy life together. Do not walk away without giving your best.

[Anonymous]

PP again. I am not saying DCUM is not helpful. People here are just older and less forgiving. Reddit is younger and more hopeful.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm sorry you and your gf are going through this. This is very tough.

I don't think you acted in an unforgivable way. You are human. Naturally you must apologize and reassure her to the extent that you can.

I do not think it is strange or shameworthy that you would ultimately want to be married to someone with whom you could have kids. At all.

By the way, PCOS is highly tied to diet. There is a great reddit thread on the topic. Please do check it out with you gf. Best of luck OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, a piece of advice for when you talk to your girlfriend -- don't rewrite history. Don't pretend you didn't have doubts about the relationship when you heard the news. She knows you did, she saw your emails with your sister. If you try to claim now that you never had second thoughts about marrying her, she'll know you're full of it and just trying not to lose her *right now*, which offers her no assurances about the future. You're better off owning up to your confusion, telling her you've been thinking a lot, and know you want to be with her no matter how you go about creating your family. At least then she'll has some reassurance that you're not just having a knee-jerk reaction to her leaving, and aren't just trying to maintain the status quo at her expense while you figure out your own feelings.

Because you're not, right? This isn't just about keeping her around while you figure out if you still want to marry her? You're in this 100%, even if it means no biological children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, a piece of advice for when you talk to your girlfriend -- don't rewrite history. Don't pretend you didn't have doubts about the relationship when you heard the news. She knows you did, she saw your emails with your sister. If you try to claim now that you never had second thoughts about marrying her, she'll know you're full of it and just trying not to lose her *right now*, which offers her no assurances about the future. You're better off owning up to your confusion, telling her you've been thinking a lot, and know you want to be with her no matter how you go about creating your family. At least then she'll has some reassurance that you're not just having a knee-jerk reaction to her leaving, and aren't just trying to maintain the status quo at her expense while you figure out your own feelings.

Because you're not, right? This isn't just about keeping her around while you figure out if you still want to marry her? You're in this 100%, even if it means no biological children?

OP here. I emailed my sister saying I crushed that I may not have a child of my own DNA. My parents passed away young and my sister and I are the only ones to keep our blood like going. Despite how it may have sounded, I did not say I was questioning ending my relationship. That thought never crossed my mind. We were dealt a massive but infertility does not change that I'm still going to marry her.

I think there is some confusion. I was with her during the time. I only went out to a pre-planned event because we were both suppose to be out. She never let me know she was not going to her sisters that night. I did not get drunk to the point of vomit. I was just loud and knocked a few things over. That woke her up and she fixed the stuffed I knocked over and we went to sleep. I was surprised she was there still.


She called last night and said she wants to talk over dinner. I'm nervous as hell. I'm also worried too. For a woman who rarely drinks ( same as me), she got drunk both Saturday and last night. I know she is hurting and I wish I can take that pain away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a piece of advice for when you talk to your girlfriend -- don't rewrite history. Don't pretend you didn't have doubts about the relationship when you heard the news. She knows you did, she saw your emails with your sister. If you try to claim now that you never had second thoughts about marrying her, she'll know you're full of it and just trying not to lose her *right now*, which offers her no assurances about the future. You're better off owning up to your confusion, telling her you've been thinking a lot, and know you want to be with her no matter how you go about creating your family. At least then she'll has some reassurance that you're not just having a knee-jerk reaction to her leaving, and aren't just trying to maintain the status quo at her expense while you figure out your own feelings.

Because you're not, right? This isn't just about keeping her around while you figure out if you still want to marry her? You're in this 100%, even if it means no biological children?

OP here. I emailed my sister saying I crushed that I may not have a child of my own DNA. My parents passed away young and my sister and I are the only ones to keep our blood like going. Despite how it may have sounded, I did not say I was questioning ending my relationship. That thought never crossed my mind. We were dealt a massive but infertility does not change that I'm still going to marry her.

I think there is some confusion. I was with her during the time. I only went out to a pre-planned event because we were both suppose to be out. She never let me know she was not going to her sisters that night. I did not get drunk to the point of vomit. I was just loud and knocked a few things over. That woke her up and she fixed the stuffed I knocked over and we went to sleep. I was surprised she was there still.


She called last night and said she wants to talk over dinner. I'm nervous as hell. I'm also worried too. For a woman who rarely drinks ( same as me), she got drunk both Saturday and last night. I know she is hurting and I wish I can take that pain away.

Aww, OP, your post made me tear up a little bit. It sounds like you both really love each other, and you're going through one of life's crappy surprises. I hope you can both talk extremely honestly with each other over dinner. As weird as it sounds, this can be something that makes you grow as a couple. Life is crazy. Hugs OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a piece of advice for when you talk to your girlfriend -- don't rewrite history. Don't pretend you didn't have doubts about the relationship when you heard the news. She knows you did, she saw your emails with your sister. If you try to claim now that you never had second thoughts about marrying her, she'll know you're full of it and just trying not to lose her *right now*, which offers her no assurances about the future. You're better off owning up to your confusion, telling her you've been thinking a lot, and know you want to be with her no matter how you go about creating your family. At least then she'll has some reassurance that you're not just having a knee-jerk reaction to her leaving, and aren't just trying to maintain the status quo at her expense while you figure out your own feelings.

Because you're not, right? This isn't just about keeping her around while you figure out if you still want to marry her? You're in this 100%, even if it means no biological children?

OP here. I emailed my sister saying I crushed that I may not have a child of my own DNA. My parents passed away young and my sister and I are the only ones to keep our blood like going. Despite how it may have sounded, I did not say I was questioning ending my relationship. That thought never crossed my mind. We were dealt a massive but infertility does not change that I'm still going to marry her.

I think there is some confusion. I was with her during the time. I only went out to a pre-planned event because we were both suppose to be out. She never let me know she was not going to her sisters that night. I did not get drunk to the point of vomit. I was just loud and knocked a few things over. That woke her up and she fixed the stuffed I knocked over and we went to sleep. I was surprised she was there still.


She called last night and said she wants to talk over dinner. I'm nervous as hell. I'm also worried too. For a woman who rarely drinks ( same as me), she got drunk both Saturday and last night. I know she is hurting and I wish I can take that pain away.

OP, that's revisionist history. From your second post: "I said that I didn't I could live life w.o have a bio child and I want a wife that can give me that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think me getting dunk was the issue. Without going into too much detail I will provide the bad news. Last week she found her chance of fertility is 10%. She has dealt with pcos and ovarian cysts. 5 out of 8 women in her family have had endometriosis and ovarian or cervical cancer.

We both really want children. This was and is devestating news. We had a discussion and I told her I was unsure if I can see a future without children. She said she loves me but understands if this is a deal breaker. She doesn't want me to give up or ruin my dream of having a family.

I wasn't as supportive as I should of been. I told she I needed time to digest things. I forgot my iPad is synced to my phone and she read emails between my sister and I. I said that I didn't I could live life w.o have a bio child and I want a wife that can give me that. I was very emotional and did not mean I would end anything with her.

She ( girlfriend) wrote that she was disappointed by me choosing to go out and get drunk, rather than be there for her. Also telling my sister upset her. This is why she said she needed a break.

Why was SHE reading your personal emails? Looks like SHE is not trustworthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a piece of advice for when you talk to your girlfriend -- don't rewrite history. Don't pretend you didn't have doubts about the relationship when you heard the news. She knows you did, she saw your emails with your sister. If you try to claim now that you never had second thoughts about marrying her, she'll know you're full of it and just trying not to lose her *right now*, which offers her no assurances about the future. You're better off owning up to your confusion, telling her you've been thinking a lot, and know you want to be with her no matter how you go about creating your family. At least then she'll has some reassurance that you're not just having a knee-jerk reaction to her leaving, and aren't just trying to maintain the status quo at her expense while you figure out your own feelings.

Because you're not, right? This isn't just about keeping her around while you figure out if you still want to marry her? You're in this 100%, even if it means no biological children?

OP here. I emailed my sister saying I crushed that I may not have a child of my own DNA. My parents passed away young and my sister and I are the only ones to keep our blood like going. Despite how it may have sounded, I did not say I was questioning ending my relationship. That thought never crossed my mind. We were dealt a massive but infertility does not change that I'm still going to marry her.

I think there is some confusion. I was with her during the time. I only went out to a pre-planned event because we were both suppose to be out. She never let me know she was not going to her sisters that night. I did not get drunk to the point of vomit. I was just loud and knocked a few things over. That woke her up and she fixed the stuffed I knocked over and we went to sleep. I was surprised she was there still.


She called last night and said she wants to talk over dinner. I'm nervous as hell. I'm also worried too. For a woman who rarely drinks ( same as me), she got drunk both Saturday and last night. I know she is hurting and I wish I can take that pain away.

OP, I want to like you but your original post said this:

"I threw up and she got up to help clean up."

At first I thought you were just clarifying details in your later posts but you are definitely changing your story. I know you love your girlfriend very much and want to marry her but it's a huge red flag if you can't even stick to one story on an anonymous board like this. I wonder if you're really accepting your responsibility for your part in this story or just shifting things around in an effort to get us to like you.