Coming to grips with longterm relationship ending... why so hard?

[Anonymous]

I am confused. Earlier you said she knows you will not marry her unless the passion and sex situation improve. But you are also saying above that it is not quid pro qui and that any human would understand without being told that no sex life = no ring.

SO riddle me this -- have you told her you won't propose/marry unless your "passion" and/or sex life improve?

[Anonymous]

Why are you going through all of this with a girlfriend? Break up and move on. It's over. Why it's over is because it's over. Find somebody who is excited about you and marry her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I don't know why I'm getting attacked. I've heard the old adage "men marry women hoping they won't ever change, women marry men hoping they will change. neither are happy." I buy into that somewhat, but I don't get why I'm getting told that I have a "my way or the highway attitude."

I haven't changed very much at all (except in better shape) during our relationship. If anything I'm more helpful and mature around the house. In contrast, she basically took sex off the table after a year and a half. Yet, some PPs are saying I have a "my way or the highway personality." Sorry just don't get that. All I want is the girl I fell in love with back. I'm willing to (and have) asked her if there are things I've changed in and I'm willing to fix them. So far she doesn't tell me what I did differently in the beginning. Agrees I haven't changed.

That girl is gone. Love don't live here no more. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I don't know why I'm getting attacked. I've heard the old adage "men marry women hoping they won't ever change, women marry men hoping they will change. neither are happy." I buy into that somewhat, but I don't get why I'm getting told that I have a "my way or the highway attitude."

I haven't changed very much at all (except in better shape) during our relationship. If anything I'm more helpful and mature around the house. In contrast, she basically took sex off the table after a year and a half. Yet, some PPs are saying I have a "my way or the highway personality." Sorry just don't get that. All I want is the girl I fell in love with back. I'm willing to (and have) asked her if there are things I've changed in and I'm willing to fix them. So far she doesn't tell me what I did differently in the beginning. Agrees I haven't changed.

That girl is gone. Love don't live here no more. Move on.

You know when you are first getter nag to know one another, you have an imperfect understanding of who the other person is? There are gaps in your understanding of them, and you project your own idea of what goes into those gaps to "see" the other person?

Maybe you haven't really changed, but she had the hots for the man she thought you were but you aren't really.

Maybe she stays because she still thinks you love each other and that should make it work out somehow. Isn't that why you have stayed til now?

[Anonymous]

Can someone please pull up the other post this guy had and post it here? I have tried searching for it but can't find it, but it's clearly the exact same poster. All the same details.

[Anonymous]

You are stuck on why your girlfriend is staying. My guess would be inertia and the trap of living together. But you might never know and really, what does it matter?

The better question to ask is: Why are YOU okay with the status quo?

You live together in her place...but you have a place of your own. Break up and move out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From one hyperanalytical person to another, I'm going to tell you something it took me many years to accept.

You might never know WHY. I know it's driving you crazy, but you have to learn how to cut your losses without the explanation you seek. Your job is to learn how to handle uncertainty and an open-ended situation and still be decisive.

I have no idea how this thread exploded. Just going to say this is the truth right here.

[Anonymous]

One of you needs to pull the plug on this dead relationship. And by the looks of it, it doesn't look like your girlfriend will.

It sounds as if you would be willing to walk away, provided you have some form of closure however that is not always possible no matter how important that may be to you.

Breaking up is hard to do. No one likes doing it. It is a HUGE step outside of one's comfort zone for sure.

But living in misery is only short-changing yourself in the long run.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all of the responses, but OP: you are fixated on why she's okay with the status quo, but what would knowing the answer to that question do for you? No matter WHAT her reason, the reality is the same: you are unhappy and unfulfilled. Are you hoping the answer is that she loves you, and that is why she doesn't leave? Would that answer satisfy you enough to stay in a sexless, passionate relationship?

So why are YOU accepting the status quo? That is the bigger question, and the only one you can truly know. As a PP said, you need to be able to live with the uncertainty and move forward, because years can go by with you chewing this over with no resolution.

This is my guess: she has lost her attraction to you but doesn't want to throw out an otherwise good relationship.
She hasnt left for the same reason YOU haven't left: it's f-ing hard to walk away from someone you have a history with, whom you care for. It's scary to start over and be alone when there's no guarantee you'll find anything better.

She's still in the relationship because it's hard to leave, and you're not going anywhere, it seems. And for whatever reason she's not very forthcoming, so maybe this is her pattern in relationships and she feels this might happen with any partner - that it's HER, not you.

Bottom line is you're left to guess and you'll never have your answer. And even in the best-case scenario, that she stays because she loves you, you're still miserable and not moving forward.

So YOU stop accepting the statis quo, stop driving yourself, your family, friends and DCUM crazy and move on -- in your head and in your life.

[Anonymous]

Do you know her relationship history?

[Anonymous]

You seem really caught up on her age. She's not that much older than you at all yet you seem shocked that she's not chomping at the bit to get married and have babies even 'at her age'. You are doing her a favor by dating her.

I know what she told you in the beginning but sometimes things change and there is nothing you can do about it. Maybe she said some things she never meant, but you are holding on to her prior statements with both hands. Maybe as she got to know you more her feelings changed. It sucks, I get it, but actions speak louder than words and she's showing you she's not into it. Who cares why she won't be the one to walk out the door? At this point you have to just take that step yourself.

[Anonymous]

I just read some posts in the middle. Good Lord. OP, what has happened is your personality has gotten on your girlfriend's nerves and she is in a deep depression wondering how she ever got here. She doesn't want to marry you or have children with you, but she is too down and overwhelmed to leave. She's doing everything she can passive aggressively to make you leave (no sex, no compliments) but every day she comes home and you are still there!! She knows you won't accept the truth. She knows she can't up and leave with you worrying her to death over the reason, so she's hoping you'll just do it. Put her out of her misery, leave. Then maybe she can get her life back on track.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter why it fizzled.

It's obvious why she's staying: inertia.

YOUR problem is that you are dwelling on questions that don't matter to the detriment of your own growth.

--no partner will like your hyper-analyzing a relationship. It's like pulling a plant up and examining the roots to figure out whether it's healthy. You kill it.

--no partner will like your spending more time on asking questions than on pulling up your big-boy pants and doing the things grownups do to maintain themselves and their homes

--you will not be happy asking others to stare at your navel for you and read the lint for answers

--you will not be happy beating dead horses

--you will not be happy if you always accuse people of attacking you when they're being forthright and productive.

Seriously, go to a men's retreat and learn to play drums. Take a meditation course.

You can't be good in bed when you have your head up your ass.

[Anonymous]

First off, sorry you are going through this. I too went through strange relationship deaths in my 30s--of relationships that I thought were going to end in marriage. In one case I ended it because of the infrequent but startling episodes of anger. In another because of dishonesty.

anyway....


Many relationships suffer from familiarity. This is one of them. You moved in, got to know each other better, things started to go downhill. It happens. You dont think you've changed at all--and maybe you haven't. But her feelings toward you have changed, and whether that's because she's realizing you aren't the guy for her, or she has relationship issues and can't commit, or she's discovered irritating habits that have killed her desire, it doesnt really matter. The issue is that she's passive about it--displaying her changed feelings in a passive way, and perhaps she can't even acknowledge them, doesn't see them as 'hers' and just as an issue with 'the relationship'. Or maybe she is weighing the "maybe if I stick it out I will get a kid/married and things will be better" against her true feelings, which are "I'm not in love with this guy." Who knows.

Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. Its over, and the more you fixate on why she isn't acting more in love with you WHEN SHE IS OLDER AND SURELY MUST WANT TO MARRY YOU AND HAVE KIDS is annoying. Because in essence you're saying "WTF doesn't she want to work it with me?" She doesnt, at least not enough to try hard (assuming your version of things is clearcut). And why she doesn't fish or cut bait either is not something you can answer. Inertia, anxiety, unrealistic hopes, maybe she's expecting you to bring something more to the table, maybe she thinks that desire is magically formed and not something that is actively worked on, I don't know. But it doesn't matter. In your 30s, with no kids, you should be having good sex.

So break up, be done with it. Move on. The girl you fell in love with isn't there, and for whatever reason its not coming back. And for heaven's sake, work on some of your own annoying habits. The microanalysis, the petty arguing with anonymous posters, the irrefutable belief that because you're a younger male you must be desirable so why the fuck isn't she into you--its all offputting. Oh, and the elitism too. Like so many in DC, I went to HYP for undergrad and grad, and I seriously doubt it makes me, or anyone I went to school with, more emotionally astute. That comes with life experience, maturity and an ability to see things from myriad perspectives.

[Anonymous]

To the OP, why are you convinced she isn't or never cheated on you? Of all the things addressed on here, no one brought that up.