Reply to Coming to grips with longterm relationship ending... why so hard?

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[quote=Anonymous]First off, sorry you are going through this. I too went through strange relationship deaths in my 30s--of relationships that I thought were going to end in marriage. In one case I ended it because of the infrequent but startling episodes of anger. In another because of dishonesty.

anyway....

Many relationships suffer from familiarity. This is one of them. You moved in, got to know each other better, things started to go downhill. It happens. You dont think you've changed at all--and maybe you haven't. But her feelings toward you have changed, and whether that's because she's realizing you aren't the guy for her, or she has relationship issues and can't commit, or she's discovered irritating habits that have killed her desire, it doesnt really matter. The issue is that she's passive about it--displaying her changed feelings in a passive way, and perhaps she can't even acknowledge them, doesn't see them as 'hers' and just as an issue with 'the relationship'. Or maybe she is weighing the "maybe if I stick it out I will get a kid/married and things will be better" against her true feelings, which are "I'm not in love with this guy."  Who knows.

Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. Its over, and the more you fixate on why she isn't acting more in love with you WHEN SHE IS OLDER AND SURELY MUST WANT TO MARRY YOU AND HAVE KIDS is annoying. Because in essence you're saying "WTF doesn't she want to work it  with me?" She doesnt, at least not enough to try hard (assuming your version of things is clearcut).  And why she doesn't fish or cut bait either is not something you can answer. Inertia, anxiety, unrealistic hopes, maybe she's expecting you to bring something more to the table, maybe she thinks that desire is magically formed and not something that is actively worked on, I don't know. But it doesn't matter. In your 30s, with no kids, you should be having good sex.

So break up, be done with it. Move on. The girl you fell in love with isn't there, and for whatever reason its not coming back.  And for heaven's sake, work on some of your own annoying habits. The microanalysis, the petty arguing with anonymous posters, the irrefutable belief that because you're a younger male you must be desirable so why the fuck isn't she into you--its all offputting. Oh, and the elitism too. Like so many in DC, I went to HYP for undergrad and grad, and I seriously doubt it makes me, or anyone I went to school with, more emotionally astute. That comes with life experience, maturity and an ability to see things from myriad perspectives.

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