Coming to grips with longterm relationship ending... why so hard?

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like she has deep feelings for you but doesn't know how to fix the problem. I think if she didn't care about you she would have left by now.

She had no problem praising you in the first year of your relationship because she didn't see your flaws and you weren't criticising her lack of sex drive. Now she has both a high stress job and a high stress relationship.

I feel for your gf, but a year with no sex would be a deal breaker for me. (I am PP who was hard on you above.) Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well it's hard to know from here if your expectations are too high or if she just isn't a reasonably affectionate girlfriend.

Generally butterflies, fire, etc. do eventually dissipate. You can't expect the same super passionate strong feelings that you have the first year to be prevalent for the rest of your life. Relationships generally don't work that way.

She nice to you? Do you guys enjoy spending time together? Is your sex life OK?

OP here. Thanks for the reply. No, our sex life is gone. She at first claimed it was because of her (lack of libido). More recently (after a year of me prodding and counseling) she shifted the goal posts a bit and has said it does have to do with her (stress) but also with me (lack of attraction). I've taken care of the physical stuff (we've both gained some weight). I have now gotten back into shape. However, that hasn't seemed to move the needle. I have stopped asking for sex (as I know that isn't attractive). I try as much as possible (yes she will always have a higher level of demand for how clean the house is -- just not my priority) to share in the chores equally. Things are just really really really drab. No fireworks. Yet, neither of us have the balls to move on.

What I don't understand though is this: she knows there is no way we will get married under the current circumstances. However, she simply doesn't prioritize getting the passion back in our relationship in the way that I'm wanting to make it a priority. I've never heard of a situation where an older woman (36 going on 37 soon) after 3 years in a longterm relationship isn't thinking about "where is this going?"... that's what makes so little sense to me. If she isn't in love with me and I'm not the one, why not move on? She says she wants kids and marriage so I don't get why she's willing to waste these years if she doesn't want to move our relationship back to a place where we can move forward.

Sounds like she just doesn't want to marry you.

I'm sorry OP, I know that sucks.

Maybe it's best to cut your losses and move on.

Very possible, but of the 2 of us she's the one who wants kids and marriage more than me (esp. kids). Given that she's turning 37 this year and I'm 33 what explains the fact that I'm the one who wants us to shake it up and get things good again. She's not asked to break up. Makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa, though I'll admit that zero sex in the last year is a pretty deep draught and sometimes you just have to suck it up and think of England. What does the sex therapist say about a year with no sex -- is that okay to them?

No of course sex therapist agreed that it's not good. But you know how therapists are, they aren't out to judge anyone so the therapist tried to remain fair and balanced. Even my partner knows and admits lack of sex isn't healthy for our relationship. But we've been very honest with each other. She knows I don't want pity sex and I know she doesn't really have desire to do it either. But again PPs responding here, this isn't just about the lack of sex. I mentioned lack of her communicating my love languages (i.e., words of affirmation too). I have made a concerted effort to give her quality time and acts of service (us moving in together and me becoming less a bachelor and more a chore doer who goes above and beyond in cleaning the house etc etc that I wouldn't have cared one bit about when living alone). Again I'm not saying I'm all right and she's all wrong. I'm just saying I don't quite get why she would continue in the relationship if she knows that no healthy relationship can go on as ours is.

I have to say, over the course of this thread, you seem to be absolutely rooted in "this is how it is, I want what I want" (an answer to why she's not worried or in a hurry to marry you). I wonder if that might be turning her off? Maybe she has tried adjusting herself to what you need, having sex with you even if she's not into it and it just is "pity sex" at this point, and she just feels like she can't do it anymore? She can't force herself to be attracted to you again and she can't tie herself into a pretzel to make you happy.

That's kind of the vibe I get.

I think you need to work on being less of a "It's my way or the highway" person in relationships, or I suspect this relationship pattern will repeat itself in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like she has deep feelings for you but doesn't know how to fix the problem. I think if she didn't care about you she would have left by now.

She had no problem praising you in the first year of your relationship because she didn't see your flaws and you weren't criticising her lack of sex drive. Now she has both a high stress job and a high stress relationship.

I feel for your gf, but a year with no sex would be a deal breaker for me. (I am PP who was hard on you above.) Good luck.

Thanks PP. But just to be clear she's had the high stress job all along. She was very sexual during the first 1.5 years of rel. even w/ high stress job. The job has been constant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well it's hard to know from here if your expectations are too high or if she just isn't a reasonably affectionate girlfriend.

Generally butterflies, fire, etc. do eventually dissipate. You can't expect the same super passionate strong feelings that you have the first year to be prevalent for the rest of your life. Relationships generally don't work that way.

She nice to you? Do you guys enjoy spending time together? Is your sex life OK?

OP here. Thanks for the reply. No, our sex life is gone. She at first claimed it was because of her (lack of libido). More recently (after a year of me prodding and counseling) she shifted the goal posts a bit and has said it does have to do with her (stress) but also with me (lack of attraction). I've taken care of the physical stuff (we've both gained some weight). I have now gotten back into shape. However, that hasn't seemed to move the needle. I have stopped asking for sex (as I know that isn't attractive). I try as much as possible (yes she will always have a higher level of demand for how clean the house is -- just not my priority) to share in the chores equally. Things are just really really really drab. No fireworks. Yet, neither of us have the balls to move on.

What I don't understand though is this: she knows there is no way we will get married under the current circumstances. However, she simply doesn't prioritize getting the passion back in our relationship in the way that I'm wanting to make it a priority. I've never heard of a situation where an older woman (36 going on 37 soon) after 3 years in a longterm relationship isn't thinking about "where is this going?"... that's what makes so little sense to me. If she isn't in love with me and I'm not the one, why not move on? She says she wants kids and marriage so I don't get why she's willing to waste these years if she doesn't want to move our relationship back to a place where we can move forward.

Sounds like she just doesn't want to marry you.

I'm sorry OP, I know that sucks.

Maybe it's best to cut your losses and move on.

Very possible, but of the 2 of us she's the one who wants kids and marriage more than me (esp. kids). Given that she's turning 37 this year and I'm 33 what explains the fact that I'm the one who wants us to shake it up and get things good again. She's not asked to break up. Makes no sense.

Sounds like she wants kids but she's just not into you enough to panic about you not wanting to move forward. Maybe she's too lazy to actually change things. Maybe she's planning on freezing her eggs or doing invitro.

Either way, it seems certain that she's just not particularly into you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa, though I'll admit that zero sex in the last year is a pretty deep draught and sometimes you just have to suck it up and think of England. What does the sex therapist say about a year with no sex -- is that okay to them?

No of course sex therapist agreed that it's not good. But you know how therapists are, they aren't out to judge anyone so the therapist tried to remain fair and balanced. Even my partner knows and admits lack of sex isn't healthy for our relationship. But we've been very honest with each other. She knows I don't want pity sex and I know she doesn't really have desire to do it either. But again PPs responding here, this isn't just about the lack of sex. I mentioned lack of her communicating my love languages (i.e., words of affirmation too). I have made a concerted effort to give her quality time and acts of service (us moving in together and me becoming less a bachelor and more a chore doer who goes above and beyond in cleaning the house etc etc that I wouldn't have cared one bit about when living alone). Again I'm not saying I'm all right and she's all wrong. I'm just saying I don't quite get why she would continue in the relationship if she knows that no healthy relationship can go on as ours is.

I have to say, over the course of this thread, you seem to be absolutely rooted in "this is how it is, I want what I want" (an answer to why she's not worried or in a hurry to marry you). I wonder if that might be turning her off? Maybe she has tried adjusting herself to what you need, having sex with you even if she's not into it and it just is "pity sex" at this point, and she just feels like she can't do it anymore? She can't force herself to be attracted to you again and she can't tie herself into a pretzel to make you happy.

That's kind of the vibe I get.

I think you need to work on being less of a "It's my way or the highway" person in relationships, or I suspect this relationship pattern will repeat itself in the future.

But why would she stay if she wants kids/marriage and the biological clock is ticking

[Anonymous]

What kind of weight did you gain OP? Like what are we talking about- 10 pounds or 100?

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I don't know why I'm getting attacked. I've heard the old adage "men marry women hoping they won't ever change, women marry men hoping they will change. neither are happy." I buy into that somewhat, but I don't get why I'm getting told that I have a "my way or the highway attitude."

I haven't changed very much at all (except in better shape) during our relationship. If anything I'm more helpful and mature around the house. In contrast, she basically took sex off the table after a year and a half. Yet, some PPs are saying I have a "my way or the highway personality." Sorry just don't get that. All I want is the girl I fell in love with back. I'm willing to (and have) asked her if there are things I've changed in and I'm willing to fix them. So far she doesn't tell me what I did differently in the beginning. Agrees I haven't changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of weight did you gain OP? Like what are we talking about- 10 pounds or 100?

I'm 6'0. When we met I was 205 (never that thin). I got up to 230. I'm back to 200.

When we met she was 135. She got up to 148. She's now prob 140.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she just doesn't love you, bro. She can either try to get married to and have kids with someone she doesnt love or she can just let the relationship wind down to its logical end.

Sounds like she is choosing the latter option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of weight did you gain OP? Like what are we talking about- 10 pounds or 100?

I'm 6'0. When we met I was 205 (never that thin). I got up to 230. I'm back to 200.

When we met she was 135. She got up to 148. She's now prob 140.

That's what I though. A difference of 5 pounds is hardly noticeable, especially on your frame.

Could you try getting your weight down further? Might increase her attraction to you, a LOT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she just doesn't love you, bro. She can either try to get married to and have kids with someone she doesnt love or she can just let the relationship wind down to its logical end.

Sounds like she is choosing the latter option.

I get it, but what I don't get is her lack of being decisive. She's the most decisive person I've ever met. Yet, for the past 2 years we've been at this sort of stalemate. She's gone from 34 to 36, now almost 37. But tells me how she wants kids. When we first started dating she told me she would never (at her age -- then 33) stay in a relationship that wasn't moving forward for more than 1-2 years. Seems odd for her to go back on that now, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of weight did you gain OP? Like what are we talking about- 10 pounds or 100?

I'm 6'0. When we met I was 205 (never that thin). I got up to 230. I'm back to 200.

When we met she was 135. She got up to 148. She's now prob 140.

That's what I though. A difference of 5 pounds is hardly noticeable, especially on your frame.

Could you try getting your weight down further? Might increase her attraction to you, a LOT

That makes no sense. Sex was hot for 1.5 years at 205. Logically then, can't be the weight. I'm in better shape now than she is (relative to where we met each other at).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she just doesn't love you, bro. She can either try to get married to and have kids with someone she doesnt love or she can just let the relationship wind down to its logical end.

Sounds like she is choosing the latter option.

I get it, but what I don't get is her lack of being decisive. She's the most decisive person I've ever met. Yet, for the past 2 years we've been at this sort of stalemate. She's gone from 34 to 36, now almost 37. But tells me how she wants kids. When we first started dating she told me she would never (at her age -- then 33) stay in a relationship that wasn't moving forward for more than 1-2 years. Seems odd for her to go back on that now, no?

I think it's hard when you get into a state of stasis. She might be hoping that you will change, and becoming more of the guy she was at first attracted to you. Hoping her own feelings change, hoping that that spark of desire and "wow, he's so awesome" will come back. Hoping that you become more understanding and kind to her.

And she's not ready to fully break things off until she knows for sure.

Affection and fondness, even when it's completely nonsexual, does a hell of a job of complicating the "I will never put up with" statements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of weight did you gain OP? Like what are we talking about- 10 pounds or 100?

I'm 6'0. When we met I was 205 (never that thin). I got up to 230. I'm back to 200.

When we met she was 135. She got up to 148. She's now prob 140.

That's what I though. A difference of 5 pounds is hardly noticeable, especially on your frame.

Could you try getting your weight down further? Might increase her attraction to you, a LOT

That makes no sense. Sex was hot for 1.5 years at 205. Logically then, can't be the weight. I'm in better shape now than she is (relative to where we met each other at).

She's gained 5 pounds. Again, hardly anything. Most women can gain and lose that in a day based on menstrual cycle.

And you know- the initial newness of a relationship can make up for lack of physical attraction. Then when you really get to know someone, and the freshness isnt there to distract from the fact that someone has a mediocre body... well, that's when it's time to step it up.