Coming to grips with longterm relationship ending... why so hard?

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman and I kind of agree with the original poster that it is weird that a woman of her age who wants to get married and have kids would stay in the relationship if she isn't into him.

Which makes me think maybe she is into him in many ways.

Or the fact that you guys live together is not good. That can create relationship inertia. Maybe she just doesn't have it in her to look for a new apartment and move right now.

Or I do wonder if there might be an undiagnosed health issue, such as depression thyroid whatever. She had a full medical work up about this? She talked to her gynecologist about it?

[Anonymous]

Why ask why????????

Move on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like she has deep feelings for you but doesn't know how to fix the problem. I think if she didn't care about you she would have left by now.

She had no problem praising you in the first year of your relationship because she didn't see your flaws and you weren't criticising her lack of sex drive. Now she has both a high stress job and a high stress relationship.

I feel for your gf, but a year with no sex would be a deal breaker for me. (I am PP who was hard on you above.) Good luck.

Thanks PP. But just to be clear she's had the high stress job all along. She was very sexual during the first 1.5 years of rel. even w/ high stress job. The job has been constant.

You're not listening. Before she only had one high stress thing (job). Things with you were lovely because she didn't know yet that it wasn't as perfect a match as you had both thought/hoped. Now you keep going on and on to her about no ring until she BRINGS BACK ALL OF THE SEX AND COMPLIMENTS and so now YOU are high stress too. That is a lot for any woman to work through, even a really smart one, especially if she thinks she loves you and you've been together for three years.

Hearing stories like this kind of makes me wish I were a lesbian.

But why did it ever need to be "brought back"... we had a great relationship. You mention some vague "it wasn't as perfect a match as you had both hoped" yet she hasn't communicated to me that I failed to do X, Y, or Z which led to the sex disappearing. This just makes no logical sense. Things were going along great.

Didn't you answer this yourself in your opening paragraph -- the problems seemed to start over the last two years after you moved in together? Wasn't that when she realized you weren't really going to be an equal partner in taking care of the house and also you gained weight and some of that initial attraction waned ... and then sex dropped off and you started complaining about her and in effect reminding her that her clock was ticking down and failing to satisfy you would have consequences?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she just doesn't love you, bro. She can either try to get married to and have kids with someone she doesnt love or she can just let the relationship wind down to its logical end.

Sounds like she is choosing the latter option.

I get it, but what I don't get is her lack of being decisive. She's the most decisive person I've ever met. Yet, for the past 2 years we've been at this sort of stalemate. She's gone from 34 to 36, now almost 37. But tells me how she wants kids. When we first started dating she told me she would never (at her age -- then 33) stay in a relationship that wasn't moving forward for more than 1-2 years. Seems odd for her to go back on that now, no?

I think it's hard when you get into a state of stasis. She might be hoping that you will change, and becoming more of the guy she was at first attracted to you. Hoping her own feelings change, hoping that that spark of desire and "wow, he's so awesome" will come back. Hoping that you become more understanding and kind to her.

And she's not ready to fully break things off until she knows for sure.

Affection and fondness, even when it's completely nonsexual, does a hell of a job of complicating the "I will never put up with" statements.

Just to play devil's advocate. Can you think of too many guys who would be understanding about sex being off the table for nearly 2 years when health issues, kids, and marriage are not even involved? I mean I'm not looking for biggest martyr of the year award, but clearly you'd think she knows the market of 33 year old men willing to go 2 years without passion is small. My staying with her has to demonstrate some sort of care and love based on that fact alone!

I can actually. And I think, again, you have a very narrow minded idea of what needs to happen for your realtionship to work. It's all about her changing, her doing what you want. I really dont see you thinking about what steps you can take, at this point, to improve things with her. That in itself is a turnoff.

That's because of the two of us, I didn't change. She admits I haven't changed.

Welp, maybe you are really just bad in bed. Sorry, dude.

Does that comment make you feel all high and mighty. Congrats. There's nothing I can say to you to convince you otherwise. It's not like I can prove to you it isn't that I'm a bad lay. If I was so bad doubt she would have been into it for as long as she was. Again, I'm somewhat annoyed this thread has become all about the sex. It's about the lack of passion (both physical and in other areas). Thanks to some PPs for providing some decent advice. Tough spot I'm in for sure.

SHE.

DOESN'T.

HAVE.

PASSION.

FOR.

YOU.


No matter how many times you argue this point, it won't make it any less true.

She's just not that into you.... accept it!

I.

DID.

NOT.

DISAGREE.

WITH.

YOU.

Just asking why she'd be ok with the status quo.

You actually keep arguing that point.

And you dont seem that curious.

Anytime someone points out one of the reasons why she would be okay with the status quo, i.e. you have an annoying, "my way or the highway" way about you, bad in bed- you rush to contradict it, instead of listening.

You're having trouble keeping up. I admitted she doesn't feel passion for me. No argument there. None. Nada. I did disagree with the assessments of WHY she lacked passion for me. Those two things are mutually exclusive you do realize? In any event, I was less interested in the why she lacked passion question (PPs more into that cuz it's fun to kick someone around, I get it lots of bored ppl on Sunday night). The question I asked about, which some PPs shed light on, but not you is: why is she ok with the status quo.

Lemme get this straight:
You want to know why she's still putting up with your ass when she's clearly not into it?

Great, glad to know you read English.

Alright, I'll give you my two cents:

Maybe she's been punking you for the past 3 years! Maybe it's been an elaborate prank!

You certainly don't seem to have any insight into her, so how would we?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and I kind of agree with the original poster that it is weird that a woman of her age who wants to get married and have kids would stay in the relationship if she isn't into him.

Which makes me think maybe she is into him in many ways.

Or the fact that you guys live together is not good. That can create relationship inertia. Maybe she just doesn't have it in her to look for a new apartment and move right now.

Or I do wonder if there might be an undiagnosed health issue, such as depression thyroid whatever. She had a full medical work up about this? She talked to her gynecologist about it?

Thanks for contributing your thoughts. OP here. Housing issue can't be it. We both own properties of our own. Wouldn't be hard to go back to living in our own places. FWIW, we are living her her home. Mine isn't that far away from hers. It's vacant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a woman. Maybe she's a lesbian?

Bahahaha. He really does.

Oh hardy har har. You mean I'm schooling him in debate and the best he/she can do is throw out non-sequiturs about Lesbianism.

More like you are making a fool of yourself and everyone is taking the piss out of you.

You really need to get some self awareness, buddy...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like she has deep feelings for you but doesn't know how to fix the problem. I think if she didn't care about you she would have left by now.

She had no problem praising you in the first year of your relationship because she didn't see your flaws and you weren't criticising her lack of sex drive. Now she has both a high stress job and a high stress relationship.

I feel for your gf, but a year with no sex would be a deal breaker for me. (I am PP who was hard on you above.) Good luck.

Thanks PP. But just to be clear she's had the high stress job all along. She was very sexual during the first 1.5 years of rel. even w/ high stress job. The job has been constant.

You're not listening. Before she only had one high stress thing (job). Things with you were lovely because she didn't know yet that it wasn't as perfect a match as you had both thought/hoped. Now you keep going on and on to her about no ring until she BRINGS BACK ALL OF THE SEX AND COMPLIMENTS and so now YOU are high stress too. That is a lot for any woman to work through, even a really smart one, especially if she thinks she loves you and you've been together for three years.

Hearing stories like this kind of makes me wish I were a lesbian.

But why did it ever need to be "brought back"... we had a great relationship. You mention some vague "it wasn't as perfect a match as you had both hoped" yet she hasn't communicated to me that I failed to do X, Y, or Z which led to the sex disappearing. This just makes no logical sense. Things were going along great.

Didn't you answer this yourself in your opening paragraph -- the problems seemed to start over the last two years after you moved in together? Wasn't that when she realized you weren't really going to be an equal partner in taking care of the house and also you gained weight and some of that initial attraction waned ... and then sex dropped off and you started complaining about her and in effect reminding her that her clock was ticking down and failing to satisfy you would have consequences?

BINGO.

But just watch... OP ain't gonna like this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like she has deep feelings for you but doesn't know how to fix the problem. I think if she didn't care about you she would have left by now.

She had no problem praising you in the first year of your relationship because she didn't see your flaws and you weren't criticising her lack of sex drive. Now she has both a high stress job and a high stress relationship.

I feel for your gf, but a year with no sex would be a deal breaker for me. (I am PP who was hard on you above.) Good luck.

Thanks PP. But just to be clear she's had the high stress job all along. She was very sexual during the first 1.5 years of rel. even w/ high stress job. The job has been constant.

You're not listening. Before she only had one high stress thing (job). Things with you were lovely because she didn't know yet that it wasn't as perfect a match as you had both thought/hoped. Now you keep going on and on to her about no ring until she BRINGS BACK ALL OF THE SEX AND COMPLIMENTS and so now YOU are high stress too. That is a lot for any woman to work through, even a really smart one, especially if she thinks she loves you and you've been together for three years.

Hearing stories like this kind of makes me wish I were a lesbian.

But why did it ever need to be "brought back"... we had a great relationship. You mention some vague "it wasn't as perfect a match as you had both hoped" yet she hasn't communicated to me that I failed to do X, Y, or Z which led to the sex disappearing. This just makes no logical sense. Things were going along great.

Didn't you answer this yourself in your opening paragraph -- the problems seemed to start over the last two years after you moved in together? Wasn't that when she realized you weren't really going to be an equal partner in taking care of the house and also you gained weight and some of that initial attraction waned ... and then sex dropped off and you started complaining about her and in effect reminding her that her clock was ticking down and failing to satisfy you would have consequences?

Sex dropped off first
Then I stepped up my game in regard to chores/house responsibilities
Sex continued to drop

I did not change. We had more sex when I was heavier and bad at chores then when I'm lighter and more hands on

For PP who asked about medical workup. yes she's been cleared. no thyroid issues. no hormone stuff.

[Anonymous]

Do you have Asperger's? Serious question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like she has deep feelings for you but doesn't know how to fix the problem. I think if she didn't care about you she would have left by now.

She had no problem praising you in the first year of your relationship because she didn't see your flaws and you weren't criticising her lack of sex drive. Now she has both a high stress job and a high stress relationship.

I feel for your gf, but a year with no sex would be a deal breaker for me. (I am PP who was hard on you above.) Good luck.

Thanks PP. But just to be clear she's had the high stress job all along. She was very sexual during the first 1.5 years of rel. even w/ high stress job. The job has been constant.

You're not listening. Before she only had one high stress thing (job). Things with you were lovely because she didn't know yet that it wasn't as perfect a match as you had both thought/hoped. Now you keep going on and on to her about no ring until she BRINGS BACK ALL OF THE SEX AND COMPLIMENTS and so now YOU are high stress too. That is a lot for any woman to work through, even a really smart one, especially if she thinks she loves you and you've been together for three years.

Hearing stories like this kind of makes me wish I were a lesbian.

But why did it ever need to be "brought back"... we had a great relationship. You mention some vague "it wasn't as perfect a match as you had both hoped" yet she hasn't communicated to me that I failed to do X, Y, or Z which led to the sex disappearing. This just makes no logical sense. Things were going along great.

Didn't you answer this yourself in your opening paragraph -- the problems seemed to start over the last two years after you moved in together? Wasn't that when she realized you weren't really going to be an equal partner in taking care of the house and also you gained weight and some of that initial attraction waned ... and then sex dropped off and you started complaining about her and in effect reminding her that her clock was ticking down and failing to satisfy you would have consequences?

Sex dropped off first
Then I stepped up my game in regard to chores/house responsibilities
Sex continued to drop

I did not change. We had more sex when I was heavier and bad at chores then when I'm lighter and more hands on

For PP who asked about medical workup. yes she's been cleared. no thyroid issues. no hormone stuff.

But you haven't changed the selfish, obstinate personality lurking underneath.

You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have Asperger's? Serious question.

nope, just type fast and very efficient/analytical at processing info. can debate swiftly and fire out facts rapidly. yes i realize this is annoying to some who process stuff slower..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have Asperger's? Serious question.

I was going to ask the exact same question, and then I was worried about offending people.

But seriously, OP- have you been diagnosed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like she has deep feelings for you but doesn't know how to fix the problem. I think if she didn't care about you she would have left by now.

She had no problem praising you in the first year of your relationship because she didn't see your flaws and you weren't criticising her lack of sex drive. Now she has both a high stress job and a high stress relationship.

I feel for your gf, but a year with no sex would be a deal breaker for me. (I am PP who was hard on you above.) Good luck.

Thanks PP. But just to be clear she's had the high stress job all along. She was very sexual during the first 1.5 years of rel. even w/ high stress job. The job has been constant.

You're not listening. Before she only had one high stress thing (job). Things with you were lovely because she didn't know yet that it wasn't as perfect a match as you had both thought/hoped. Now you keep going on and on to her about no ring until she BRINGS BACK ALL OF THE SEX AND COMPLIMENTS and so now YOU are high stress too. That is a lot for any woman to work through, even a really smart one, especially if she thinks she loves you and you've been together for three years.

Hearing stories like this kind of makes me wish I were a lesbian.

But why did it ever need to be "brought back"... we had a great relationship. You mention some vague "it wasn't as perfect a match as you had both hoped" yet she hasn't communicated to me that I failed to do X, Y, or Z which led to the sex disappearing. This just makes no logical sense. Things were going along great.

Didn't you answer this yourself in your opening paragraph -- the problems seemed to start over the last two years after you moved in together? Wasn't that when she realized you weren't really going to be an equal partner in taking care of the house and also you gained weight and some of that initial attraction waned ... and then sex dropped off and you started complaining about her and in effect reminding her that her clock was ticking down and failing to satisfy you would have consequences?

Sex dropped off first
Then I stepped up my game in regard to chores/house responsibilities
Sex continued to drop

I did not change. We had more sex when I was heavier and bad at chores then when I'm lighter and more hands on

For PP who asked about medical workup. yes she's been cleared. no thyroid issues. no hormone stuff.

But you haven't changed the selfish, obstinate personality lurking underneath.

You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig.

Another useless personal attack that in no way answers the original question. Why would she be okay with the status quo?

[Anonymous]

You're only annoying in the way my family members with Asperger's are annoying...I feel for you, because I think you have difficulty with insight and social acuity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have Asperger's? Serious question.

nope, just type fast and very efficient/analytical at processing info. can debate swiftly and fire out facts rapidly. yes i realize this is annoying to some who process stuff slower..

Erm, I don't think that's quite it.

I'm going to try to be gentle but you don't seem to be particularly capable at reading social cues and engaging in social discussions, nor engaging others. Efficiency at processing- that isn't really something I would use to describe you.

Those are markers of Aspergers, and if you havent been diagnosed yet, I sincerely urge you to seek out a professional who can do so. There are a lot of resources that can help you.