Coming to grips with longterm relationship ending... why so hard?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she just doesn't love you, bro. She can either try to get married to and have kids with someone she doesnt love or she can just let the relationship wind down to its logical end.

Sounds like she is choosing the latter option.

I get it, but what I don't get is her lack of being decisive. She's the most decisive person I've ever met. Yet, for the past 2 years we've been at this sort of stalemate. She's gone from 34 to 36, now almost 37. But tells me how she wants kids. When we first started dating she told me she would never (at her age -- then 33) stay in a relationship that wasn't moving forward for more than 1-2 years. Seems odd for her to go back on that now, no?

I think it's hard when you get into a state of stasis. She might be hoping that you will change, and becoming more of the guy she was at first attracted to you. Hoping her own feelings change, hoping that that spark of desire and "wow, he's so awesome" will come back. Hoping that you become more understanding and kind to her.

And she's not ready to fully break things off until she knows for sure.

Affection and fondness, even when it's completely nonsexual, does a hell of a job of complicating the "I will never put up with" statements.

Just to play devil's advocate. Can you think of too many guys who would be understanding about sex being off the table for nearly 2 years when health issues, kids, and marriage are not even involved? I mean I'm not looking for biggest martyr of the year award, but clearly you'd think she knows the market of 33 year old men willing to go 2 years without passion is small. My staying with her has to demonstrate some sort of care and love based on that fact alone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of weight did you gain OP? Like what are we talking about- 10 pounds or 100?

I'm 6'0. When we met I was 205 (never that thin). I got up to 230. I'm back to 200.

When we met she was 135. She got up to 148. She's now prob 140.

That's what I though. A difference of 5 pounds is hardly noticeable, especially on your frame.

Could you try getting your weight down further? Might increase her attraction to you, a LOT

That makes no sense. Sex was hot for 1.5 years at 205. Logically then, can't be the weight. I'm in better shape now than she is (relative to where we met each other at).

She's gained 5 pounds. Again, hardly anything. Most women can gain and lose that in a day based on menstrual cycle.

And you know- the initial newness of a relationship can make up for lack of physical attraction. Then when you really get to know someone, and the freshness isnt there to distract from the fact that someone has a mediocre body... well, that's when it's time to step it up.

You don't even know her height! All you know is that I'm -5 lbs from where we met and she's +5 lbs. If I told you she's 5'2 and 140 I could easily play the mediocre body card too. I just don't think it's this. At 230 for me yes. Not at 200.

[Anonymous]

From one hyperanalytical person to another, I'm going to tell you something it took me many years to accept.

You might never know WHY. I know it's driving you crazy, but you have to learn how to cut your losses without the explanation you seek. Your job is to learn how to handle uncertainty and an open-ended situation and still be decisive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like she has deep feelings for you but doesn't know how to fix the problem. I think if she didn't care about you she would have left by now.

She had no problem praising you in the first year of your relationship because she didn't see your flaws and you weren't criticising her lack of sex drive. Now she has both a high stress job and a high stress relationship.

I feel for your gf, but a year with no sex would be a deal breaker for me. (I am PP who was hard on you above.) Good luck.

Thanks PP. But just to be clear she's had the high stress job all along. She was very sexual during the first 1.5 years of rel. even w/ high stress job. The job has been constant.

You're not listening. Before she only had one high stress thing (job). Things with you were lovely because she didn't know yet that it wasn't as perfect a match as you had both thought/hoped. Now you keep going on and on to her about no ring until she BRINGS BACK ALL OF THE SEX AND COMPLIMENTS and so now YOU are high stress too. That is a lot for any woman to work through, even a really smart one, especially if she thinks she loves you and you've been together for three years.

Hearing stories like this kind of makes me wish I were a lesbian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From one hyperanalytical person to another, I'm going to tell you something it took me many years to accept.

You might never know WHY. I know it's driving you crazy, but you have to learn how to cut your losses without the explanation you seek. Your job is to learn how to handle uncertainty and an open-ended situation and still be decisive.

good advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she just doesn't love you, bro. She can either try to get married to and have kids with someone she doesnt love or she can just let the relationship wind down to its logical end.

Sounds like she is choosing the latter option.

I get it, but what I don't get is her lack of being decisive. She's the most decisive person I've ever met. Yet, for the past 2 years we've been at this sort of stalemate. She's gone from 34 to 36, now almost 37. But tells me how she wants kids. When we first started dating she told me she would never (at her age -- then 33) stay in a relationship that wasn't moving forward for more than 1-2 years. Seems odd for her to go back on that now, no?

I think it's hard when you get into a state of stasis. She might be hoping that you will change, and becoming more of the guy she was at first attracted to you. Hoping her own feelings change, hoping that that spark of desire and "wow, he's so awesome" will come back. Hoping that you become more understanding and kind to her.

And she's not ready to fully break things off until she knows for sure.

Affection and fondness, even when it's completely nonsexual, does a hell of a job of complicating the "I will never put up with" statements.

Just to play devil's advocate. Can you think of too many guys who would be understanding about sex being off the table for nearly 2 years when health issues, kids, and marriage are not even involved? I mean I'm not looking for biggest martyr of the year award, but clearly you'd think she knows the market of 33 year old men willing to go 2 years without passion is small. My staying with her has to demonstrate some sort of care and love based on that fact alone!

I can actually. And I think, again, you have a very narrow minded idea of what needs to happen for your realtionship to work. It's all about her changing, her doing what you want. I really dont see you thinking about what steps you can take, at this point, to improve things with her. That in itself is a turnoff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like she has deep feelings for you but doesn't know how to fix the problem. I think if she didn't care about you she would have left by now.

She had no problem praising you in the first year of your relationship because she didn't see your flaws and you weren't criticising her lack of sex drive. Now she has both a high stress job and a high stress relationship.

I feel for your gf, but a year with no sex would be a deal breaker for me. (I am PP who was hard on you above.) Good luck.

Thanks PP. But just to be clear she's had the high stress job all along. She was very sexual during the first 1.5 years of rel. even w/ high stress job. The job has been constant.

You're not listening. Before she only had one high stress thing (job). Things with you were lovely because she didn't know yet that it wasn't as perfect a match as you had both thought/hoped. Now you keep going on and on to her about no ring until she BRINGS BACK ALL OF THE SEX AND COMPLIMENTS and so now YOU are high stress too. That is a lot for any woman to work through, even a really smart one, especially if she thinks she loves you and you've been together for three years.

Hearing stories like this kind of makes me wish I were a lesbian.

But why did it ever need to be "brought back"... we had a great relationship. You mention some vague "it wasn't as perfect a match as you had both hoped" yet she hasn't communicated to me that I failed to do X, Y, or Z which led to the sex disappearing. This just makes no logical sense. Things were going along great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like she has deep feelings for you but doesn't know how to fix the problem. I think if she didn't care about you she would have left by now.

She had no problem praising you in the first year of your relationship because she didn't see your flaws and you weren't criticising her lack of sex drive. Now she has both a high stress job and a high stress relationship.

I feel for your gf, but a year with no sex would be a deal breaker for me. (I am PP who was hard on you above.) Good luck.

Thanks PP. But just to be clear she's had the high stress job all along. She was very sexual during the first 1.5 years of rel. even w/ high stress job. The job has been constant.

You're not listening. Before she only had one high stress thing (job). Things with you were lovely because she didn't know yet that it wasn't as perfect a match as you had both thought/hoped. Now you keep going on and on to her about no ring until she BRINGS BACK ALL OF THE SEX AND COMPLIMENTS and so now YOU are high stress too. That is a lot for any woman to work through, even a really smart one, especially if she thinks she loves you and you've been together for three years.

Hearing stories like this kind of makes me wish I were a lesbian.

This comment, times a million.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of weight did you gain OP? Like what are we talking about- 10 pounds or 100?

I'm 6'0. When we met I was 205 (never that thin). I got up to 230. I'm back to 200.

When we met she was 135. She got up to 148. She's now prob 140.

That's what I though. A difference of 5 pounds is hardly noticeable, especially on your frame.

Could you try getting your weight down further? Might increase her attraction to you, a LOT

That makes no sense. Sex was hot for 1.5 years at 205. Logically then, can't be the weight. I'm in better shape now than she is (relative to where we met each other at).

She's gained 5 pounds. Again, hardly anything. Most women can gain and lose that in a day based on menstrual cycle.

And you know- the initial newness of a relationship can make up for lack of physical attraction. Then when you really get to know someone, and the freshness isnt there to distract from the fact that someone has a mediocre body... well, that's when it's time to step it up.

You don't even know her height! All you know is that I'm -5 lbs from where we met and she's +5 lbs. If I told you she's 5'2 and 140 I could easily play the mediocre body card too. I just don't think it's this. At 230 for me yes. Not at 200.

But the objective fact is: you are still sexually attracted to her and interested in sex.

She is not.

Therefore: you are the one who needs to step your game up.

[Anonymous]

Btw, this is the other hyperanalytical person here...no, I wouldn't go two years without sex, and I've been with my husband for 28 years. I'm not very sexually driven and even I would have walked!! You seem like a nice guy...go make someone else happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she just doesn't love you, bro. She can either try to get married to and have kids with someone she doesnt love or she can just let the relationship wind down to its logical end.

Sounds like she is choosing the latter option.

I get it, but what I don't get is her lack of being decisive. She's the most decisive person I've ever met. Yet, for the past 2 years we've been at this sort of stalemate. She's gone from 34 to 36, now almost 37. But tells me how she wants kids. When we first started dating she told me she would never (at her age -- then 33) stay in a relationship that wasn't moving forward for more than 1-2 years. Seems odd for her to go back on that now, no?

I think it's hard when you get into a state of stasis. She might be hoping that you will change, and becoming more of the guy she was at first attracted to you. Hoping her own feelings change, hoping that that spark of desire and "wow, he's so awesome" will come back. Hoping that you become more understanding and kind to her.

And she's not ready to fully break things off until she knows for sure.

Affection and fondness, even when it's completely nonsexual, does a hell of a job of complicating the "I will never put up with" statements.

Just to play devil's advocate. Can you think of too many guys who would be understanding about sex being off the table for nearly 2 years when health issues, kids, and marriage are not even involved? I mean I'm not looking for biggest martyr of the year award, but clearly you'd think she knows the market of 33 year old men willing to go 2 years without passion is small. My staying with her has to demonstrate some sort of care and love based on that fact alone!

I can actually. And I think, again, you have a very narrow minded idea of what needs to happen for your realtionship to work. It's all about her changing, her doing what you want. I really dont see you thinking about what steps you can take, at this point, to improve things with her. That in itself is a turnoff.

That's because of the two of us, I didn't change. She admits I haven't changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she just doesn't love you, bro. She can either try to get married to and have kids with someone she doesnt love or she can just let the relationship wind down to its logical end.

Sounds like she is choosing the latter option.

I get it, but what I don't get is her lack of being decisive. She's the most decisive person I've ever met. Yet, for the past 2 years we've been at this sort of stalemate. She's gone from 34 to 36, now almost 37. But tells me how she wants kids. When we first started dating she told me she would never (at her age -- then 33) stay in a relationship that wasn't moving forward for more than 1-2 years. Seems odd for her to go back on that now, no?

I think it's hard when you get into a state of stasis. She might be hoping that you will change, and becoming more of the guy she was at first attracted to you. Hoping her own feelings change, hoping that that spark of desire and "wow, he's so awesome" will come back. Hoping that you become more understanding and kind to her.

And she's not ready to fully break things off until she knows for sure.

Affection and fondness, even when it's completely nonsexual, does a hell of a job of complicating the "I will never put up with" statements.

Just to play devil's advocate. Can you think of too many guys who would be understanding about sex being off the table for nearly 2 years when health issues, kids, and marriage are not even involved? I mean I'm not looking for biggest martyr of the year award, but clearly you'd think she knows the market of 33 year old men willing to go 2 years without passion is small. My staying with her has to demonstrate some sort of care and love based on that fact alone!

And so...what exactly? You think she owes you something because of your "market value?"

Also, haven't you posted about this before? Except that time it was a lot less "I love her and want it to work" and more "I'm playing chicken with her to see how long she'll go without breaking up with me because I have more time to waste than she does?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she just doesn't love you, bro. She can either try to get married to and have kids with someone she doesnt love or she can just let the relationship wind down to its logical end.

Sounds like she is choosing the latter option.

I get it, but what I don't get is her lack of being decisive. She's the most decisive person I've ever met. Yet, for the past 2 years we've been at this sort of stalemate. She's gone from 34 to 36, now almost 37. But tells me how she wants kids. When we first started dating she told me she would never (at her age -- then 33) stay in a relationship that wasn't moving forward for more than 1-2 years. Seems odd for her to go back on that now, no?

I think it's hard when you get into a state of stasis. She might be hoping that you will change, and becoming more of the guy she was at first attracted to you. Hoping her own feelings change, hoping that that spark of desire and "wow, he's so awesome" will come back. Hoping that you become more understanding and kind to her.

And she's not ready to fully break things off until she knows for sure.

Affection and fondness, even when it's completely nonsexual, does a hell of a job of complicating the "I will never put up with" statements.

Just to play devil's advocate. Can you think of too many guys who would be understanding about sex being off the table for nearly 2 years when health issues, kids, and marriage are not even involved? I mean I'm not looking for biggest martyr of the year award, but clearly you'd think she knows the market of 33 year old men willing to go 2 years without passion is small. My staying with her has to demonstrate some sort of care and love based on that fact alone!

I can actually. And I think, again, you have a very narrow minded idea of what needs to happen for your realtionship to work. It's all about her changing, her doing what you want. I really dont see you thinking about what steps you can take, at this point, to improve things with her. That in itself is a turnoff.

That's because of the two of us, I didn't change. She admits I haven't changed.

Welp, maybe you are really just bad in bed. Sorry, dude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she just doesn't love you, bro. She can either try to get married to and have kids with someone she doesnt love or she can just let the relationship wind down to its logical end.

Sounds like she is choosing the latter option.

I get it, but what I don't get is her lack of being decisive. She's the most decisive person I've ever met. Yet, for the past 2 years we've been at this sort of stalemate. She's gone from 34 to 36, now almost 37. But tells me how she wants kids. When we first started dating she told me she would never (at her age -- then 33) stay in a relationship that wasn't moving forward for more than 1-2 years. Seems odd for her to go back on that now, no?

I think it's hard when you get into a state of stasis. She might be hoping that you will change, and becoming more of the guy she was at first attracted to you. Hoping her own feelings change, hoping that that spark of desire and "wow, he's so awesome" will come back. Hoping that you become more understanding and kind to her.

And she's not ready to fully break things off until she knows for sure.

Affection and fondness, even when it's completely nonsexual, does a hell of a job of complicating the "I will never put up with" statements.

Just to play devil's advocate. Can you think of too many guys who would be understanding about sex being off the table for nearly 2 years when health issues, kids, and marriage are not even involved? I mean I'm not looking for biggest martyr of the year award, but clearly you'd think she knows the market of 33 year old men willing to go 2 years without passion is small. My staying with her has to demonstrate some sort of care and love based on that fact alone!

And so...what exactly? You think she owes you something because of your "market value?"

Also, haven't you posted about this before? Except that time it was a lot less "I love her and want it to work" and more "I'm playing chicken with her to see how long she'll go without breaking up with me because I have more time to waste than she does?"

A) Haven't posted before though wouldn't surprise me if this sort of thing happens regularly (lack of passion, biological clocks, age discrepancy)
B) No, I'm not claiming I am valued more on the market. I'm saying that I can't understand why she is okay with the status quo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she just doesn't love you, bro. She can either try to get married to and have kids with someone she doesnt love or she can just let the relationship wind down to its logical end.

Sounds like she is choosing the latter option.

I get it, but what I don't get is her lack of being decisive. She's the most decisive person I've ever met. Yet, for the past 2 years we've been at this sort of stalemate. She's gone from 34 to 36, now almost 37. But tells me how she wants kids. When we first started dating she told me she would never (at her age -- then 33) stay in a relationship that wasn't moving forward for more than 1-2 years. Seems odd for her to go back on that now, no?

I think it's hard when you get into a state of stasis. She might be hoping that you will change, and becoming more of the guy she was at first attracted to you. Hoping her own feelings change, hoping that that spark of desire and "wow, he's so awesome" will come back. Hoping that you become more understanding and kind to her.

And she's not ready to fully break things off until she knows for sure.

Affection and fondness, even when it's completely nonsexual, does a hell of a job of complicating the "I will never put up with" statements.

Just to play devil's advocate. Can you think of too many guys who would be understanding about sex being off the table for nearly 2 years when health issues, kids, and marriage are not even involved? I mean I'm not looking for biggest martyr of the year award, but clearly you'd think she knows the market of 33 year old men willing to go 2 years without passion is small. My staying with her has to demonstrate some sort of care and love based on that fact alone!

And so...what exactly? You think she owes you something because of your "market value?"

Also, haven't you posted about this before? Except that time it was a lot less "I love her and want it to work" and more "I'm playing chicken with her to see how long she'll go without breaking up with me because I have more time to waste than she does?"

Yep, I remember him before. Same exact posting, and same tone.

Pretty sure last time he got laughed off the board because of the absurd entitlement in his post. I see nothing has changed.