Raising older teens is challenging

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 year-terrible grades, terrible (nonexistent?) study skills, blames everyone but himself for anything that goes wrong. Very oppositional!! Many tears (privately of course) have been shed over this boy. However, there has been some improvement in his attitude over the last few months.

I will join you in misery. I'm the OP of a recent thread about my DD failing school. Well, my plan to allow her to take personal responsibility backfired and she's going to repeat the 10th grade. She wants to fit in, won't do her work because she wants to look cool and won't ask for help when she's confused because she doesn't want to look dumb (so, in turn, she doesn't turn in work). I'm at my WIT'S END and thinking the only solution at this point is homeschooling. I've talked to her until I'm blue in the face about her low self-esteem but unless she wants to change, there's really nothing else I can do except remove her from the environment.

So, yeah....

Homeschooling? When we had some medical problems with our kid, it looked likely to go that way. I think it might have killed us both. good luck to you.

I think the only thing that will save us is coops. Otherwise, blood will be shed. But thanks for the best wishes. We'll need them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just plain miss the sweet guy who used to tell me everything.

He will be back! Not exactly the same but in a new, mature form

+1 -- Yes -- the sweet guy will come back, but he won't tell you everything. Would you really want that? Our sons are 21 and 24 -- we have a great relationship with them, and can talk about many issues, but they're young men now, not little boys or teens, and there are appropriate limits. So, for example, they tell us quite a bit about school and work, and will catch us up on what they're friends are doing. They'll also tell us a fair amount about the non-sexual aspects of their relationships with women, but they certainly don't tell us about sex. I mean, as a general topic of conversation, we have discussed the issue of sexual assault at colleges (in part b/c we have a younger daughter who is about to go to college), but their personal sexual experiences -- no. If they wanted to talk to us, we would listen, of course, but that seems so unlikely.

[Anonymous]

First, I'm going to say that I really sympathize with everyone who's struggling with the challenges of parenting a teen or young adult. We have been lucky -- our kids, ages 18-24, have been relatively easy -- minor, but chronic snarkiness in the early to mid-teens, and some drinking by each of them in high school, but overall, we're lucky. It's definitely not because we were perfect parents -- we made plenty of mistakes, but we just got lucky.

So, in this spirit, recognizing that we all try our best and even then we don't always get it right, I'm going to make a suggestion about dealing with abusive language from your kids. This, I'm familiar with. All 3 of ours -- honors students, varsity athletes, church-goers (yes -- even at college) -- have at one time or another said "FU, Dad" or "you're a bitch, mom". Here's what we finally figured out: walk away. We just would say "I know you're upset and I want to discuss this issue with you, but I can't talk to you when you're abusive in your language. When you're ready to talk, I'll be downstairs/in the backyard/on the porch (the point is to get away from them until they cool down)."

In our experience, this worked amazingly well. When they calmed down and were ready to resume the conversation, we would not lecture them about the language, but would just say "Sometimes we all feel like telling somebody to fuck off -- I have felt like telling your dad that, I have felt like telling your aunts that, I have felt like telling your grandparents that and, yes, I've even felt like telling you that, but, we all have to learn that it's hurtful and unproductive and we just have to stop ourselves. So, now, let's talk about beach week."

Of course, this all hinges on our ability to restrain ourselves from screaming back at them in the first place, "You're telling me to fuck off! You have no idea what an asshole you are!!!" You want to say that, but you can't. And don't even start with the schmaltzy memories of their babyhood -- that's just going to make you feel lousy. They're not babies anymore, and your job now is to help them learn how to handle conflict without descending into verbal abuse. This is good training for marriage, parenting, work, or living in any type of community. You're not asking too much.

[Anonymous]

I think what is hardest with my two teens (16 and 18) is that they don't want to be home with me or are too busy to spend time as a family. They're either not here (very common) or in their rooms. I always thought that we'd have the 'cool' house where the kids would come to hang out -- not the case. Since I'm divorced from their dad, it is very quiet at home most of the time.

Two examples: Last night DD was home, so I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie with me; she said no, she'd rather stay in her room and watch something on her laptop. DS, meanwhile, was out at a friend's game. He came home around 11 and went straight to bed without even saying "hello" or "goodnight." DD also went to bed without another word while I was down in the basement watching a movie. Woke up this morning to find both gone. DD is at a school function that she told me about. I heard DS get up early and by the time I got out of bed, he was gone.

They're not out doing "bad" things, though I know they drink and am pretty sure they smoke pot. However, they both get good grades (A's and a few B's), are active in sports, and have nice friends. I don't feel like I can ground them or insist that they stay home just because I want to see them more. Many times I think I should just do my own thing (socialize more, go to the gym whenever I want etc.) but it almost feels like giving up on our family and that we'd all just spin out into our own little orbits. Our house feels more like a boarding house than a place where related people live.

[Anonymous]

I will join you in misery. I'm the OP of a recent thread about my DD failing school. Well, my plan to allow her to take personal responsibility backfired and she's going to repeat the 10th grade. She wants to fit in, won't do her work because she wants to look cool and won't ask for help when she's confused because she doesn't want to look dumb (so, in turn, she doesn't turn in work). I'm at my WIT'S END and thinking the only solution at this point is homeschooling. I've talked to her until I'm blue in the face about her low self-esteem but unless she wants to change, there's really nothing else I can do except remove her from the environment.

So, yeah....

Change in school/environment sounds like a really good idea. So does relocating, if you are willing to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 year-terrible grades, terrible (nonexistent?) study skills, blames everyone but himself for anything that goes wrong. Very oppositional!! Many tears (privately of course) have been shed over this boy. However, there has been some improvement in his attitude over the last few months.

I will join you in misery. I'm the OP of a recent thread about my DD failing school. Well, my plan to allow her to take personal responsibility backfired and she's going to repeat the 10th grade. She wants to fit in, won't do her work because she wants to look cool and won't ask for help when she's confused because she doesn't want to look dumb (so, in turn, she doesn't turn in work). I'm at my WIT'S END and thinking the only solution at this point is homeschooling. I've talked to her until I'm blue in the face about her low self-esteem but unless she wants to change, there's really nothing else I can do except remove her from the environment.

So, yeah....

I'm glad I decided to look at this thread again! I'm the PP you are responding to here. I don't think your plan to have her take personal responsibility has failed at all! Your DS will now actually have to learn the consequences of her behavior, so good for you!!!! I have been seeing a therapist for help dealing with my teen and she definitely advocates a more "hands off" approach with their school work at this age. She regales me with stories of her own son who had to take summer school and graduate behind his class. Now he is a teacher!

I'm having a hard time stepping back from the situation, I wish I could be as strong as you are!! I feel tremendous guilt because DS has ADD and I feel that I have failed in getting him help.
I've wanted to get him an ADD coach, tutors, etc, and he refuses. I'm having a terrible time letting go of this guilt, and the desire to help him.

[Anonymous]

My son breaks things when he is angry.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to EVERYONE on this thread who shared their struggles. Hoping things improve.

[Anonymous]

Wow. This has certainly made me more nervous then ever as my kids head into the teen years. I'm all ears on any advice you have to make it even slightly less bumpy.
Hugs to you all.

[Anonymous]

The hardest part for me so far is not being able to talk about things with friends (some of my closest friends are also her friends' parents). My DD would be really upset if I was telling things she told me, but it is hard for me to not discuss what's going on. When I freak out about something, I don't know if it's worth freaking out about or not. I used to really value getting advice from friends, and feel that I can't anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The hardest part for me so far is not being able to talk about things with friends (some of my closest friends are also her friends' parents). My DD would be really upset if I was telling things she told me, but it is hard for me to not discuss what's going on. When I freak out about something, I don't know if it's worth freaking out about or not. I used to really value getting advice from friends, and feel that I can't anymore.

I agree

[Anonymous]

my DD is 10.5 and I'm reading this thread avidly. Thank you all for opening up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The hardest part for me so far is not being able to talk about things with friends (some of my closest friends are also her friends' parents). My DD would be really upset if I was telling things she told me, but it is hard for me to not discuss what's going on. When I freak out about something, I don't know if it's worth freaking out about or not. I used to really value getting advice from friends, and feel that I can't anymore.

I agree

It is incredibly isolating. I've gotten to the point where I don't ask others how their kids are doing to stave off questions about my own.

And there is a whole class of people who like to hear all this stuff to validate themselves at what superior parents they are--ugh! Their advice needless to say is quite worthless--something like the tough love, you're the boss, i wouldn't tolerate this in my child things that pop up on these boards, likely from parents of ten year olds.

I actually find trusted people at work who are not in your normal social circle helpful if they also have kids facing challenges as well. I have gotten lots of tips and have someone I can vent to when things really go off the rails. And they have something similar as well in me. But there are places one can't go even with these people--drug use being one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The hardest part for me so far is not being able to talk about things with friends (some of my closest friends are also her friends' parents). My DD would be really upset if I was telling things she told me, but it is hard for me to not discuss what's going on. When I freak out about something, I don't know if it's worth freaking out about or not. I used to really value getting advice from friends, and feel that I can't anymore.

I agree

It is incredibly isolating. I've gotten to the point where I don't ask others how their kids are doing to stave off questions about my own.

And there is a whole class of people who like to hear all this stuff to validate themselves at what superior parents they are--ugh! Their advice needless to say is quite worthless--something like the tough love, you're the boss, i wouldn't tolerate this in my child things that pop up on these boards, likely from parents of ten year olds.

I actually find trusted people at work who are not in your normal social circle helpful if they also have kids facing challenges as well. I have gotten lots of tips and have someone I can vent to when things really go off the rails. And they have something similar as well in me. But there are places one can't go even with these people--drug use being one.

I have nobody but my DH to vent to.
My teen has adhd and refuses meds. The other has ocd.
This is just not how I imagined my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The hardest part for me so far is not being able to talk about things with friends (some of my closest friends are also her friends' parents). My DD would be really upset if I was telling things she told me, but it is hard for me to not discuss what's going on. When I freak out about something, I don't know if it's worth freaking out about or not. I used to really value getting advice from friends, and feel that I can't anymore.

I agree

It is incredibly isolating. I've gotten to the point where I don't ask others how their kids are doing to stave off questions about my own.

And there is a whole class of people who like to hear all this stuff to validate themselves at what superior parents they are--ugh! Their advice needless to say is quite worthless--something like the tough love, you're the boss, i wouldn't tolerate this in my child things that pop up on these boards, likely from parents of ten year olds.

I actually find trusted people at work who are not in your normal social circle helpful if they also have kids facing challenges as well. I have gotten lots of tips and have someone I can vent to when things really go off the rails. And they have something similar as well in me. But there are places one can't go even with these people--drug use being one.

I have nobody but my DH to vent to.
My teen has adhd and refuses meds. The other has ocd.
This is just not how I imagined my life.

PP who wrote about talking to people at work.

PP your response made me feel very sad.

No, this is not the way I imagined my life either. But actually a whole new set of possibilities one never considered before opens up when you are faced with challenging teenagers.

It is hard to abandon the unconsciously assumed course you thought your kids would take, but it is necessary in order to appreciate the very different, but still positive ways their lives might evolve. This is why I am not much for tough love approaches--it is too much my way or the highway, when my way might just be completely inappropriate for my child.

Both ADHD and OCD can have some really positive aspects to them, hard as that may seem to believe. In the past couple of days, I had discussions with two colleagues. One has ADHD, but learned to adapt and has some of the most extraordinary insights. The other has OCD that enables him to be completely passionate about certain things in work and has made him a formidable force.

Sadly, the colleague with ADHD has a daughter with the same and he and his wife broke up over idfferences in her treatment.

PP try to find someone else with a challenging teen with whom you can discuss what is happening. It isn't just to share the problems, but also the small victories that one has to have BTDT to appreciate. I remember a colleague who couldn't wait to share with me that his daughter had gone to a doctor's appointment. Ordinarily not worth mentioning, but she hadn't left the house for two years.

I am also the PP referred to earlier as Heroin Mom. Pretty much everyone's worst nightmare. But to my surprise I now have a child who without any input from me does tons of volunteer work at really tough places in anti-drug education. Attending lots of NA meetings has given her huge insight into work problems. DC in fact told me (harangued is more the word) to address a personnel issue as soon as it happened or it would snowball and was completely right. I know few older teens who would have such insights.

Nothing like what I imagined it would be, but still not bad. Things do have a way of working out if we will let them.