Raising older teens is challenging

[Anonymous]

You are right and both my kids have many positives. However, after many years it has worn me down. Im suffering from anxiety now. Even my laid back husband is finding this hard.
It's taking a toll on the marriage and we do agree on treatment.

[Anonymous]

Wondering if DS is self-absorbed teenager or actually has clinical narcissistic personality disorder that will ruin his life. Wondering how much is my fault.

[Anonymous]

This thread is scaring the $&!t out of me. Signed, mother of an adorably well-behaved 5 yo

[Anonymous]

22:08, thanks for your insights. It definitely helps to try and find the positives in the situation. I'm glad your DD is doing so well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I'm going to say that I really sympathize with everyone who's struggling with the challenges of parenting a teen or young adult. We have been lucky -- our kids, ages 18-24, have been relatively easy -- minor, but chronic snarkiness in the early to mid-teens, and some drinking by each of them in high school, but overall, we're lucky. It's definitely not because we were perfect parents -- we made plenty of mistakes, but we just got lucky.

So, in this spirit, recognizing that we all try our best and even then we don't always get it right, I'm going to make a suggestion about dealing with abusive language from your kids. This, I'm familiar with. All 3 of ours -- honors students, varsity athletes, church-goers (yes -- even at college) -- have at one time or another said "FU, Dad" or "you're a bitch, mom". Here's what we finally figured out: walk away. We just would say "I know you're upset and I want to discuss this issue with you, but I can't talk to you when you're abusive in your language. When you're ready to talk, I'll be downstairs/in the backyard/on the porch (the point is to get away from them until they cool down)."

In our experience, this worked amazingly well. When they calmed down and were ready to resume the conversation, we would not lecture them about the language, but would just say "Sometimes we all feel like telling somebody to fuck off -- I have felt like telling your dad that, I have felt like telling your aunts that, I have felt like telling your grandparents that and, yes, I've even felt like telling you that, but, we all have to learn that it's hurtful and unproductive and we just have to stop ourselves. So, now, let's talk about beach week."

Of course, this all hinges on our ability to restrain ourselves from screaming back at them in the first place, "You're telling me to fuck off! You have no idea what an asshole you are!!!" You want to say that, but you can't. And don't even start with the schmaltzy memories of their babyhood -- that's just going to make you feel lousy. They're not babies anymore, and your job now is to help them learn how to handle conflict without descending into verbal abuse. This is good training for marriage, parenting, work, or living in any type of community. You're not asking too much.

This is sage advice. Kudos!

[Anonymous]

My 16 yo has ADHD and struggles in school.

My 20 yo drinks too much in college and is prone to depression.

My 23 yo is in the midst of relationship issues with his girlfriend and is having some adjustment difficulties moving to a new city for work post-college.

I realize none of these things are earth shattering. They are part of normal life. I recall going through similar challenges at their ages. The difference is that now I'm the mom and I worry. It was easier when these were my problems and not someone else's. Lack of control and all that.

[Anonymous]

considering the amount of mental illness in my side of the family, I really do worry about the teen years and what may rear up...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wondering if DS is self-absorbed teenager or actually has clinical narcissistic personality disorder that will ruin his life. Wondering how much is my fault.

I wonder the same

[Anonymous]

Love this thread! Right now we have DD15 who is a great kid, good grades, loves drama, but.... is having major anxiety over social situation with peers and is refusing to go to school some days. DH and I are arguing over consequences for this!

DS14 doesn't do anything except go to school and hang out by himself (preferably in the dark) with his computer. I am constantly trying to make sure he gets some exercise and time away from the screen.

DS13 loves sports but is SN, autism spectrum, and has behavioral issues at times.

DD11 is also a great kid, but with hormones starting to kick in can act like a 5yo at times.

I'm wondering if I will feel good and happy about my family again.

[Anonymous]

As a grandparent, and once a parent of three teenage daughters my heart goes out to all of you who are struggling. Two of my daughters struggled with depression in high school. Their grades got very bad. One thing that really helped one was to attend the Edison Center, which is a vocational high school in MCPS. The difference was immediate. She loved being out in the real world and doing an internship, which was arranged by the program. She got herself together, graduated for high school, did well ion college and is now a super successful executive. Treatment is also very important, of course, but sometimes the high school environment is a bad match for a kid who is struggling. Home schooling is not the answer. Some kids need to be out in the real world and learn tangible skills rather than just academic skills. BTW, she also made amazing friends-- no snowflakes__ who came from very different backgrounds and I think it helped her realize how lucky she was to have parental support.

[Anonymous]

Mine has refused to study in his last semester before HS graduation. He will be getting Cs and Ds.

[Anonymous]

A good deal of our problems with our teen are really due to DH, who just can't seem to figure out how to communicate with DS--DH is always being snide or judgmental or treating DS in ways he would never treat anyone else, and DS flips his lid. Then DH gets angry. Then later they both complain to me that the other is being a jerk. I am becoming so disgusted with DH. It is so maddening and exhausting that some days I am tempted to tell him just to get out. And the sad part is, we really have a pretty good marriage. Or did.

[Anonymous]

Hello there- . My hugs to all parents.
The biggest issue we face with DD,15 is the grumpiness, anger, telling lies , choice of words... expectations from parents (I want my breakfast, i am hungry, right now even though it is 1130am and it is close to lunch time).
The minor ones (which we are learning to manage) are make-up, clothing and browsing internet when there are tests due next day.
We thought it would get better in HS but think it actually got worse.

Any summer camps you folks recommend for HS girls to learn some fundamentals ?

[Anonymous]

We are well-respected in our community and from the outside people think we have a perfect life. We have an ASD son who smokes pot and speaks poorly to us. We have a 15 year old who was caught shoplifting and we will have to go to court. I have no one I can talk to. I feel so alone. Paying for a therapist for the 15 year old and I wish I had the time and money to pay for one for me but even now her needs take precedence. I avoid friendships and haven't even told my own parents what is going on.

[Anonymous]

One of the many PPs here. Hugs to all of you. You are good parents and are doing the best that you can.