Raising older teens is challenging

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love some of these recent threads. I've mentioned in threads before that my DD has excellent grades (straight A's highest level classes) but will call me names etc when she is angry. I have a great relationship with her generally speaking but whenever she does this I feel like a terrible mom. Usually when I post this, I am told that I am a horrible parent and that in other people's homes this isn't tolerated.

Saying you are a terrible mom is not tolerated in my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love some of these recent threads. I've mentioned in threads before that my DD has excellent grades (straight A's highest level classes) but will call me names etc when she is angry. I have a great relationship with her generally speaking but whenever she does this I feel like a terrible mom. Usually when I post this, I am told that I am a horrible parent and that in other people's homes this isn't tolerated.

PP above. I would love to find out how exactly these people think you can control a teen. I am sure their children must be 100% perfect! I suppose I could punish her but she really doesn't care what I take away from her. She hardly uses her phone or her laptop except for homework. She just wants to draw and read and play her instrument in her spare time. Once I told her she could not have her boyfriend come over to visit and she was perfectly happy because she wanted an excuse not to see him. I am glad to hear I am not the only one who has a good kid with a bad temper. Any advice on how to handle it would be appreciated.

First PP here. Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm convinced that there are many people who want everyone to think their home life is perfect and will go to great extents to cover things up. I know people like that IRL but it seems like there are more posters on DCURBANMOM that fit this profile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love some of these recent threads. I've mentioned in threads before that my DD has excellent grades (straight A's highest level classes) but will call me names etc when she is angry. I have a great relationship with her generally speaking but whenever she does this I feel like a terrible mom. Usually when I post this, I am told that I am a horrible parent and that in other people's homes this isn't tolerated.

Saying you are a terrible mom is not tolerated in my home.

we have a rule about not telling us how to parent. we have had this rule for a decade, and sometimes he tells me how to parent...

yes, these threads are great, and I am enjoying our humility (the smug ones seem to have departed//). thanks to all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 18 year old ds wants to live with his father after hs graduation. The father I divorced partly because HE acts like an 18 year old.

Step mom here. DSD wants the same thing. To live with dad. Except the 3 parents are all on the same page. DH and I explained the rules of living in our house to which she responded that's just like mom.

And now she's planning to move in with the BF. She'll be 18 in 2 weeks and graduates HS the last weekend in May. It has not been a good month.

[Anonymous]

So sorry to hear this.

My niece left with her boyfriend for a year to bum around the country. After a year of living day to day sleeping in a car or sketchy places and scrounging for food and showers, she'd had it, came home, and went off to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry to hear this.

My niece left with her boyfriend for a year to bum around the country. After a year of living day to day sleeping in a car or sketchy places and scrounging for food and showers, she'd had it, came home, and went off to college.

You make that sound so bad but I did the exact same thing at 18 with my boyfriend and it was wonderful! Why is it bad? It is great for kids to get some real life experience. Btw, I went on to college directly after that year and married the guy after college. We are still together 27 years later. At 18, you need to let them go their own way. The control is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry to hear this.

My niece left with her boyfriend for a year to bum around the country. After a year of living day to day sleeping in a car or sketchy places and scrounging for food and showers, she'd had it, came home, and went off to college.

You make that sound so bad but I did the exact same thing at 18 with my boyfriend and it was wonderful! Why is it bad? It is great for kids to get some real life experience. Btw, I went on to college directly after that year and married the guy after college. We are still together 27 years later. At 18, you need to let them go their own way. The control is over.

Jewel is that you?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry to hear this.

My niece left with her boyfriend for a year to bum around the country. After a year of living day to day sleeping in a car or sketchy places and scrounging for food and showers, she'd had it, came home, and went off to college.

You make that sound so bad but I did the exact same thing at 18 with my boyfriend and it was wonderful! Why is it bad? It is great for kids to get some real life experience. Btw, I went on to college directly after that year and married the guy after college. We are still together 27 years later. At 18, you need to let them go their own way. The control is over.

Well, didn't mean it to. She had the time of her life for the first months, but then the sheer grind of day to day survival got to her. Things kind of work out that way. She got some great life experience, a lot of fun (for a while), and came back way more appreciative of her parents and their bourgeois life and ready to seriously tackle and focus on college.

Her parents were completely appalled when it happened (and they were real parents of the late sixties, early seventies--father had a jail stint for simple marijuana possession), but ultimately it fell into the all's well that ends well category.

[Anonymous]

Mother of elementary kids...and I will absolutely not pass judgement or act superior. I'm learning a lot reading this about what to expect, and remembering to really appreciate this fleeting time with them. Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16 year-terrible grades, terrible (nonexistent?) study skills, blames everyone but himself for anything that goes wrong. Very oppositional!! Many tears (privately of course) have been shed over this boy. However, there has been some improvement in his attitude over the last few months.

I have this same issue with my mere 10 year old. He is the most challenging person I've ever dealt with and each day is packed with oppositional behavior. He's been like this since he was a toddler and as he's gotten older his "rage" and attitude get worse.

I worry about how he will turn out and what I'm going to do when he's a teenager. This is how I'm told the teenage years are, but if it's already like that now I don't know what it's going to be like when he is even more independent.

My younger son isn't like this at all nor are any of the other little boys I know.

Parents of teens, did your younger kids act this way too or did it only manifest in the preteen/teen years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love some of these recent threads. I've mentioned in threads before that my DD has excellent grades (straight A's highest level classes) but will call me names etc when she is angry. I have a great relationship with her generally speaking but whenever she does this I feel like a terrible mom. Usually when I post this, I am told that I am a horrible parent and that in other people's homes this isn't tolerated.

PP above. I would love to find out how exactly these people think you can control a teen. I am sure their children must be 100% perfect! I suppose I could punish her but she really doesn't care what I take away from her. She hardly uses her phone or her laptop except for homework. She just wants to draw and read and play her instrument in her spare time. Once I told her she could not have her boyfriend come over to visit and she was perfectly happy because she wanted an excuse not to see him. I am glad to hear I am not the only one who has a good kid with a bad temper. Any advice on how to handle it would be appreciated.

My 12 yr old will call me a bitch when she's mad. She's a good girl but can't always control her anger. I try to walk the line of demonstrating its unacceptable while not escalating her anger shen she's clearly out of control. I'm trying to get her to take a time out in her room when the family is irritating her rather than lashing out. We've made some progress. But I know we'll face more challenges in the future. This makes me think of the resources we used when the kids were younger . . . I wonder if "coaching" them into a more approriate release would be a good tactic. Of course, not if they dismiss everything you say (which mine doesn't just yet)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 year-terrible grades, terrible (nonexistent?) study skills, blames everyone but himself for anything that goes wrong. Very oppositional!! Many tears (privately of course) have been shed over this boy. However, there has been some improvement in his attitude over the last few months.

I have this same issue with my mere 10 year old. He is the most challenging person I've ever dealt with and each day is packed with oppositional behavior. He's been like this since he was a toddler and as he's gotten older his "rage" and attitude get worse.

I worry about how he will turn out and what I'm going to do when he's a teenager. This is how I'm told the teenage years are, but if it's already like that now I don't know what it's going to be like when he is even more independent.

My younger son isn't like this at all nor are any of the other little boys I know.

Parents of teens, did your younger kids act this way too or did it only manifest in the preteen/teen years?

I'd say your 10 year old is a pre-teen--hormone type things start happening around then.

But in the case of my teen, things were extremely smooth until 13. Then there some inklings something might lay ahead for us (there was a decline in school performance, but really nothing else). Age 14, some medical issue became evident. But things did not really erupt until age 16. I can pinpoint the date. Perhaps not so coincidentally, it was within a week of a more than mild concussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16 year-terrible grades, terrible (nonexistent?) study skills, blames everyone but himself for anything that goes wrong. Very oppositional!! Many tears (privately of course) have been shed over this boy. However, there has been some improvement in his attitude over the last few months.

I will join you in misery. I'm the OP of a recent thread about my DD failing school. Well, my plan to allow her to take personal responsibility backfired and she's going to repeat the 10th grade. She wants to fit in, won't do her work because she wants to look cool and won't ask for help when she's confused because she doesn't want to look dumb (so, in turn, she doesn't turn in work). I'm at my WIT'S END and thinking the only solution at this point is homeschooling. I've talked to her until I'm blue in the face about her low self-esteem but unless she wants to change, there's really nothing else I can do except remove her from the environment.

So, yeah....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 year-terrible grades, terrible (nonexistent?) study skills, blames everyone but himself for anything that goes wrong. Very oppositional!! Many tears (privately of course) have been shed over this boy. However, there has been some improvement in his attitude over the last few months.

I have this same issue with my mere 10 year old. He is the most challenging person I've ever dealt with and each day is packed with oppositional behavior. He's been like this since he was a toddler and as he's gotten older his "rage" and attitude get worse.

I worry about how he will turn out and what I'm going to do when he's a teenager. This is how I'm told the teenage years are, but if it's already like that now I don't know what it's going to be like when he is even more independent.

My younger son isn't like this at all nor are any of the other little boys I know.

Parents of teens, did your younger kids act this way too or did it only manifest in the preteen/teen years?

My DS (17) is actually much easier now then he was at 10, when he was absolutely awful--challenging, oppositional, etc. Every year since 10 has gotten a little bit better, and now he's actually pretty pleasant most of the time.

The Kazdin method helped us a lot when DS was your son's age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 year-terrible grades, terrible (nonexistent?) study skills, blames everyone but himself for anything that goes wrong. Very oppositional!! Many tears (privately of course) have been shed over this boy. However, there has been some improvement in his attitude over the last few months.

I will join you in misery. I'm the OP of a recent thread about my DD failing school. Well, my plan to allow her to take personal responsibility backfired and she's going to repeat the 10th grade. She wants to fit in, won't do her work because she wants to look cool and won't ask for help when she's confused because she doesn't want to look dumb (so, in turn, she doesn't turn in work). I'm at my WIT'S END and thinking the only solution at this point is homeschooling. I've talked to her until I'm blue in the face about her low self-esteem but unless she wants to change, there's really nothing else I can do except remove her from the environment.

So, yeah....

Homeschooling? When we had some medical problems with our kid, it looked likely to go that way. I think it might have killed us both. good luck to you.