Raising older teens is challenging
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
(Should clarify that I mean things *really* didn't work out. Not that your kid didn't get into Harvard, LOL.) |
Anonymous
Right. 
|
Anonymous
|
[quote=Anonymous]A good deal of our problems with our teen are really due to DH, who just can't seem to figure out how to communicate with DS--DH is always being snide or judgmental or treating DS in ways he would never treat anyone else, and DS flips his lid. Then DH gets angry. Then later they both complain to me that the other is being a jerk. I am becoming so disgusted with DH. It is so maddening and exhausting that some days I am tempted to tell him just to get out. And the sad part is, we really have a pretty good marriage. Or did.[/quote]
PP, this is my situation. Woke up Sunday morning to DH and 13-year-old arguing!! Horrible day. We had our first "family meeting" over dinner and seems to have helped, but I told the family I can't live this way, with the constant yelling. |
Anonymous
| Mom of pre-teens and so concerned about years ahead! Please excuse my naivety but serious question: Are any of these older teens involved with a church? Does that help in any way to provide support/ guidance? |
Anonymous
|
[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A good deal of our problems with our teen are really due to DH, who just can't seem to figure out how to communicate with DS--DH is always being snide or judgmental or treating DS in ways he would never treat anyone else, and DS flips his lid. Then DH gets angry. Then later they both complain to me that the other is being a jerk. I am becoming so disgusted with DH. It is so maddening and exhausting that some days I am tempted to tell him just to get out. And the sad part is, we really have a pretty good marriage. Or did.[/quote]
PP, this is my situation. Woke up Sunday morning to DH and 13-year-old arguing!! Horrible day. We had our first "family meeting" over dinner and seems to have helped, but I told the family I can't live this way, with the constant yelling. [/quote] I highly recommend taking the teen class from either PEP or Dr. Shapiro. (Even though his website is Raising your Challenging Child, it's appropriate for anyone: http://www.raisingyourchallengingchild.com/ - no teen classes listed right now, but sign up for the mailing list). I have done both and they are eye opening. 90% (if not more) of the tone of your relationship with your teen is set by you (and DH) and the way you communicate with him. If he can't/won't take a class, see if you can get him to read Yes Your Teen is Crazy by Michael Bradley. If you DS is 13 now, it's only going to get harder. (And he will get bigger. Eventually the yelling may turn physical once they are of equal size. You do not want to go there.) Good luck. |
Anonymous
For my challenging teen, no. We are very involved in our church, but his issues are rooted in ADHD, anxiety and depression. He's not a bad kid, but we have had some very bad years trying to diagnose, treat and recover from the fallout of those issues. |
Anonymous
I love this! Signed the mom who woke up to yelling and heard it again when DH came home this evening |
Anonymous
|
[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A good deal of our problems with our teen are really due to DH, who just can't seem to figure out how to communicate with DS--DH is always being snide or judgmental or treating DS in ways he would never treat anyone else, and DS flips his lid. Then DH gets angry. Then later they both complain to me that the other is being a jerk. I am becoming so disgusted with DH. It is so maddening and exhausting that some days I am tempted to tell him just to get out. And the sad part is, we really have a pretty good marriage. Or did.[/quote]
PP, this is my situation. Woke up Sunday morning to DH and 13-year-old arguing!! Horrible day. We had our first "family meeting" over dinner and seems to have helped, but I told the family I can't live this way, with the constant yelling. [/quote] I highly recommend taking the teen class from either PEP or Dr. Shapiro. (Even though his website is Raising your Challenging Child, it's appropriate for anyone: http://www.raisingyourchallengingchild.com/ - no teen classes listed right now, but sign up for the mailing list). I have done both and they are eye opening. 90% (if not more) of the tone of your relationship with your teen is set by you (and DH) and the way you communicate with him. If he can't/won't take a class, see if you can get him to read Yes Your Teen is Crazy by Michael Bradley. If you DS is 13 now, it's only going to get harder. (And he will get bigger. Eventually the yelling may turn physical once they are of equal size. You do not want to go there.) Good luck.[/quote] This is the pp you responded to. I've taken a course from Shapiro but it was "Raising your challenging child," not teen. Also have taken lots of PEP classes but haven't been in a few years, so I was looking at the latest mailing thinking it may be time to go back. Will check out the book! And to the other pp, one of the reasons Sunday was so bad is he refused to go to church. He's in a religious school and says he gets enough church there.  He went up till this year, and I hope to get him back, but I hate arguing about church. It also seems so minor when compared to everything else that could go wrong...They need to rebel about something, right? Others say he's a great kid - just not around us. It's like Jekyl and Hyde.
|
Anonymous
|
[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A good deal of our problems with our teen are really due to DH, who just can't seem to figure out how to communicate with DS--DH is always being snide or judgmental or treating DS in ways he would never treat anyone else, and DS flips his lid. Then DH gets angry. Then later they both complain to me that the other is being a jerk. I am becoming so disgusted with DH. It is so maddening and exhausting that some days I am tempted to tell him just to get out. And the sad part is, we really have a pretty good marriage. Or did.[/quote]
PP, this is my situation. Woke up Sunday morning to DH and 13-year-old arguing!! Horrible day. We had our first "family meeting" over dinner and seems to have helped, but I told the family I can't live this way, with the constant yelling. [/quote] I highly recommend taking the teen class from either PEP or Dr. Shapiro. (Even though his website is Raising your Challenging Child, it's appropriate for anyone: http://www.raisingyourchallengingchild.com/ - no teen classes listed right now, but sign up for the mailing list). I have done both and they are eye opening. 90% (if not more) of the tone of your relationship with your teen is set by you (and DH) and the way you communicate with him. If he can't/won't take a class, see if you can get him to read Yes Your Teen is Crazy by Michael Bradley. If you DS is 13 now, it's only going to get harder. (And he will get bigger. Eventually the yelling may turn physical once they are of equal size. You do not want to go there.) Good luck.[/quote This is the pp you responded to. I've taken a course from Shapiro but it was "Raising your challenging child," not teen. Also have taken lots of PEP classes but haven't been in a few years, so I was looking at the latest mailing thinking it may be time to go back. Will check out the book! And to the other pp, one of the reasons Sunday was so bad is he refused to go to church. He's in a religious school and says he gets enough church there. He went up till this year, and I hope to get him back, but I hate arguing about church. It also seems so minor when compared to everything else that could go wrong...They need to rebel about something, right? Others say he's a great kid - just not around us. It's like Jekyl and Hyde. [/quote]
My kid is also Jekyl and Hyde. Model student and other parents think he is mature and respectful. At home he can be rude, abrasive, swear at us, etc. and it's awful. Therapist says that his anxiety keeps him in line outside of the house, but he lets is blow when he is home. We try not to take it personally, but it is extremely hard when he says FU or something like that. Hardest thing I've ever done actually. |
Anonymous
|
[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A good deal of our problems with our teen are really due to DH, who just can't seem to figure out how to communicate with DS--DH is always being snide or judgmental or treating DS in ways he would never treat anyone else, and DS flips his lid. Then DH gets angry. Then later they both complain to me that the other is being a jerk. I am becoming so disgusted with DH. It is so maddening and exhausting that some days I am tempted to tell him just to get out. And the sad part is, we really have a pretty good marriage. Or did.[/quote]
PP, this is my situation. Woke up Sunday morning to DH and 13-year-old arguing!! Horrible day. We had our first "family meeting" over dinner and seems to have helped, but I told the family I can't live this way, with the constant yelling. [/quote] I highly recommend taking the teen class from either PEP or Dr. Shapiro. (Even though his website is Raising your Challenging Child, it's appropriate for anyone: http://www.raisingyourchallengingchild.com/ - no teen classes listed right now, but sign up for the mailing list). I have done both and they are eye opening. 90% (if not more) of the tone of your relationship with your teen is set by you (and DH) and the way you communicate with him. If he can't/won't take a class, see if you can get him to read Yes Your Teen is Crazy by Michael Bradley. If you DS is 13 now, it's only going to get harder. (And he will get bigger. Eventually the yelling may turn physical once they are of equal size. You do not want to go there.) Good luck.[/quote This is the pp you responded to. I've taken a course from Shapiro but it was "Raising your challenging child," not teen. Also have taken lots of PEP classes but haven't been in a few years, so I was looking at the latest mailing thinking it may be time to go back. Will check out the book! And to the other pp, one of the reasons Sunday was so bad is he refused to go to church. He's in a religious school and says he gets enough church there. He went up till this year, and I hope to get him back, but I hate arguing about church. It also seems so minor when compared to everything else that could go wrong...They need to rebel about something, right? Others say he's a great kid - just not around us. It's like Jekyl and Hyde. [/quote]
My kid is also Jekyl and Hyde. Model student and other parents think he is mature and respectful. At home he can be rude, abrasive, swear at us, etc. and it's awful. Therapist says that his anxiety keeps him in line outside of the house, but he lets is blow when he is home. We try not to take it personally, but it is extremely hard when he says FU or something like that. Hardest thing I've ever done actually. [/quote] Thanks for sharing that, pp. I'm curious: what does your therapist advise you do when he says FU etc? Do you walk away like someone else posted upstream, or do you observe like a new species as someone else posted, do you say something like that's not appropriate language and Expect him to apologize later? How do you handle? |
Anonymous
| Talking about the FU in the moment of the FU will never be effective. But in a calm moment when the storm has passed, you can try to establish some ground rules for conflict. (And your DC gets to suggest ground rules for you too.) |
Anonymous
| Regarding FU moments, I tell DS that we don't speak abusively in our home or anywhere for that matter and that I'll be ready to talk when he is calm. I don't expect an apology, although it would be nice, and may raise the challenging moment later when things are calm. For the most part, I think me saying anything in these situations just makes me feel like I'm doing something. In reality, he knows that his words are hurtful and so me telling him probably does little. |
Anonymous
I think it helps my teen because he is accepted and part of a group at church in ways that have nothing to do with performance (academic, athletic, etc.). Inclusiveness and kindness are core values. And it helps give him a sense of identity and belonging. And then there is the faith component, of course. But for my teen the above is what really makes a difference, I think. |
Anonymous
|
It's horrifying and sort of a relief to read these posts from parents struggling with teens. I am struggling too with the snyde remarks, the expletives, the irrational behavior, yelling for no reason, etc. etc. that make daily life a living hell at times. We have Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde behavior daily!! My DC is sweet as pie, cute, funny, happy one minute and a total maniac monster the next.
I like the Q tip idea a PP posted above. I'll put a box in my kitchen (where most of the confrontations occur). It really is hell, though. And now we're going to be moving into college application season, Oh. My. God. I'm going to need to be checked into a mental hospital!! How do parents get through this??? And for you parents of younger kids: My insane teenager was the smartest, cutest, most loving, adorable kid all the way through 6th grade, when things started to unravel. In high school we had moments of calm, but now, junior year, that perfect little kid is a monster!! No ADHD, no LD, nothing apparently wrong aside from being a teenager!! I pray God will deliver me and my teenager from this period!! Parents tell me their kids become nicer during college. I hope it's true! |
Anonymous
This class is excellent, super-helpful for me. http://pepparent.org/classes-programs/parenting-teens/thriving-with-teens/ |