Raising older teens is challenging

[Anonymous]

13 and 16 yo
13 boy-crazy mood swings, explosive anger, bad hygiene, slipping grades, insane fixation on his hair, body image

16yo-relatively calm--but doing terribly in school. But were just so happy that he seems happy

14yo dd--has no IRL friends--lives online--los confidence--does well in school but does no outside activities--used to be a big reader--now with the phone not so much--doesn't do sports anymore--I worry that she is going to become depressed.

It is so. so. hard. But also wonderful!

[Anonymous]

My two oldest are 20 and 23. What I found challenging was teaching them they could tell me awful things their friends were doing without worrying I'd tell them to drop those friends. They saw things as very black or white on my behalf.

My oldest had a LOT of homesickness the first year of college. I seriously thought he was going to ask to move home rather than stay across the country. One of us visited every month, and he wound up staying.

[Anonymous]

17-year-old boy. Doesn't give us much to worry about. No signs of alcohol or drug use--since he rarely goes out with friends, he really has no opportunity--and he does well in school. But though he seems quite happy, I worry that he, well, rarely goes out with friends. And I am so very, very tired of his getting defensive/taking extreme offense every time his behavior is corrected. Yesterday he tracked wet footprints up the stairs after coming into the house. I called up, in what I thought was as perfectly pleasant voice, "Can you grab a towel and wipe up your footprints?" My god, the righteous indignation, you would have thought I'd accused him of murder. This happens approximately 17 times per weekend.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting this OP. Mine are 15 and 13 and I sometimes think I need anti anxiety meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17-year-old boy. Doesn't give us much to worry about. No signs of alcohol or drug use--since he rarely goes out with friends, he really has no opportunity--and he does well in school. But though he seems quite happy, I worry that he, well, rarely goes out with friends. And I am so very, very tired of his getting defensive/taking extreme offense every time his behavior is corrected. Yesterday he tracked wet footprints up the stairs after coming into the house. I called up, in what I thought was as perfectly pleasant voice, "Can you grab a towel and wipe up your footprints?" My god, the righteous indignation, you would have thought I'd accused him of murder. This happens approximately 17 times per weekend.

Make it a no-shoes house - problem solved.
Sounds like he's an introvert. As one myself, I did not understand it as a kid. I did not realize just how draining and stressful I found social interactions and just how relieved I was to be home. So when I'd come home and my mother would want to talk to me (about anything - she could have offered me a car and would have gotten the same reaction) I would basically get enraged. I just REALLY needed to be left alone. She saw my return home as "Oh good! Laura's home - now I have somebody to talk with!" Even just ten minutes of silence would have done wonders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17-year-old boy. Doesn't give us much to worry about. No signs of alcohol or drug use--since he rarely goes out with friends, he really has no opportunity--and he does well in school. But though he seems quite happy, I worry that he, well, rarely goes out with friends. And I am so very, very tired of his getting defensive/taking extreme offense every time his behavior is corrected. Yesterday he tracked wet footprints up the stairs after coming into the house. I called up, in what I thought was as perfectly pleasant voice, "Can you grab a towel and wipe up your footprints?" My god, the righteous indignation, you would have thought I'd accused him of murder. This happens approximately 17 times per weekend.

Make it a no-shoes house - problem solved.
Sounds like he's an introvert. As one myself, I did not understand it as a kid. I did not realize just how draining and stressful I found social interactions and just how relieved I was to be home. So when I'd come home and my mother would want to talk to me (about anything - she could have offered me a car and would have gotten the same reaction) I would basically get enraged. I just REALLY needed to be left alone. She saw my return home as "Oh good! Laura's home - now I have somebody to talk with!" Even just ten minutes of silence would have done wonders.

Thanks, but it's not the shoe thing that happens 17 times per weekend, it's the indignation about being corrected about anything, no matter how minor or how pleasantly. Just as an example, this weekend he also was outraged when I asked him please to not drop a pile of clean clothes on the floor but rather put them on the bed if he wasn't ready to put them away. Also outraged when I asked him (for the 95th time) to seal up the zip-locked packet of shredded cheese after he opened it so the cheese doesn't dry out. (His answer: "It was already open when I took it out of the fridge! Why are you blaming me?!?!?!?")

Also, imposing a no shoe policy would just be another thing for me to remind him about and him to be righteously indignant about. I try to pick my battles, and shoes in the house isn't one of them (for me). Wet tracks on the wood floors? Worth a battle (for me). But really, I don't want a battle. I just want you to wipe up the footprints you made. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS17- safe driving, college visits, peers who drink and smoke weed, sexually active?

DD14- very moody, currently in an angry phase and non-verbal with me for days at a time.

The fact that you indicate PEERS who drink, smoke weed, and are sexually active indicates that you are more than a little blind. Not mine says PP

[Anonymous]

I felt so alone until I read this post

[Anonymous]

I felt so alone until I read this post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS17- safe driving, college visits, peers who drink and smoke weed, sexually active?

DD14- very moody, currently in an angry phase and non-verbal with me for days at a time.

The fact that you indicate PEERS who drink, smoke weed, and are sexually active indicates that you are more than a little blind. Not mine says PP

quoted PP- that's entirely possible. However, we have very active, regular conversations with our son, daughter, and son's gf about drinking and drug use. One of my son's best friends growing up has been going to bars with his parents since 14. Son went to a football camp last summer, carpooled with 3 other kids, on the way home, they stopped at a restaurant, got soft drinks, and 2 passengers poured vodka into the cups. In 8th grade, a peer (whom I coached at the time) was expelled for selling pot. He's in Florida now but posts pictures on Instagram. (and for him to be selling pot- there had to be kids buying pot, amirite?) My son said he knows 3 kids taking steroids. So while these are PEERS, they're not friends. I mean, he hangs with some of them at school and he's in sports with several- but we live in a very small town so its impossible for him to avoid these kids entirely, not with a graduating class of 60. But he also doesn't go on "ice fishing" trips with them which consists of sitting around and drinking beer all day.

As far as sexually active- he and his girlfriend have been dating seriously for a while. We've talked about sex, I've told him where to buy condoms. He has a car, they go on dates, and she has limited parental involvement- she's at our house quite a bit. In fact, her older sister got pregnant at 17. But she has NO interest in kids, the amount of time babysitting her sister's kids has acted as a bit of birth control. But we do have fairly explicit conversations with our son and his girlfriend.

Now, I know- they may be completely bullshitting us. But I think we have very open communication with our daughter, son, and his girlfriend. The kids they identify as friends don't drink or use drugs. But in a small town, you can't avoid interacting with the kids who do. That's what makes it so complicated.

[Anonymous]

DS 16: Depression, terrible grades, drugs.

So hard. I hate when posters will elem and middle school kids post re: teens. As if they know how their kids will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS 16: Depression, terrible grades, drugs.

So hard. I hate when posters will elem and middle school kids post re: teens. As if they know how their kids will be.

Hugs, PP.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I don't have any of these issues with my kids. I'm grateful I don't. Their friends are nice kids, no drugs or much drinking (that I know of), all do well in school.

Really sorry y'all are dealing with these things.

OTOH, I get a lot of sh*tty behavior -- eye rolling, yelling at me when I ask my teenagers to do something they're supposed to do, like practice, take out the trash, set the table, etc. It's not like they are that much fun to be around.

The parents of their friends are all in agreement about drinking/drugs, so I don't worry too much (trust but verify) about drinking/drugs so far. No boyfriends or girlfriends yet. Maybe my kids are just late bloomers? Thank God for that!

[Anonymous]

Thread very refreshing change from my very responsible teen blah blah blah studying too hard trying to limit to just three AP classes per semester blah blah blah.

I never ask people how their kids are doing because I don't want to be asked about mine. Have gotten very good at deflecting.

God gave me children so everyone else can feel better about theirs.

[Anonymous]

I just plain miss the sweet guy who used to tell me everything.