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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thank you again for taking the time to provide your input. It is extremely helpful to me to have the forum as a sounding board. I have made an appointment with a therapist, individually, for Friday. I'm just trying to hold on between the board, talking to my husband, and managing my own thoughts until then.

I can understand how an LDR seems peculiar to some. It is definitely atypical. However, it was a very real relationship that built slowly, organically. We met on vacation, hit it off, and returned to our homes, across the country from one another. We spent one year getting to know each other over text, email, phone. The friendship deepened and a year after meeting, we had a first date. The romance deepened and we dated, cautiously planning our future for two years. Then we got engaged, relocated, lived together, got married. We've known each other for 5 years, and been dating/engaged/married for 4.

This is his second marriage, my first. He married young and has been divorced for ten years. He did not cheat on his first wife. I'm of course not sure if I can believe him anymore, but I am inclined to as there was a larger issue (a personal issue she had) that led to dissolution.

The OW who contacted me was I'm sure doing it out of spite and hurt. She felt wronged and wanted him or me or anyone, maybe, to feel pain too. Perhaps she was simply trying to "do the right thing." and honestly believed she would do some good. From comments here I know a lot of people feel if in these shoes they'd want to know. Others say they wouldn't want to know. I go back and forth. The news has potentially ruined my marriage and life. Is it better I know it or better if I never knew? I'm not sure. Mostly, because I am not sure what I want to do. For this woman, maybe she will grapple with her decision for some time. She may have regrets. I obviously can't waste my time thinking about her motives or emotional state. I have not and will not communicate with her. Both he and the she claimed they have not been in touch since he told her goodbye and that he wouldn't be in touch anymore, and relocated with me. I do believe this. As I had access to his email account, it's been fact checked.

He is remorseful and claims it is all in the past and moving here, living together and marrying me was him changing from an old life and person he disliked to the person he wants to be and the future he wants. He says he realizes he has a serious issue to deal with and he wants to deal with it and will do everything in his power to rebuild my trust and show me he is the person I once thought he was. I am not sure if I believe him or if he is saying these things because he doesn't want to lose me. I just don't know at this point.

However, to that end, we are scheduling marriage counseling. He is also scheduling individual counseling. Regardless of what happens in the end, we now both desperately need counseling, as a couple and as individuals. Although we of course had safe sex conversations during our relationship and have been checked, we are both re-testing for STIs this week. He will be contacting any exes he has had flirtations with over email or text to wish them well and establish no contact. He's closing his separate email account where he had had communications with old flames. He will be changing his cell phone number and importing only contacts who are family or friends. He will show evidence of all of this (BCC on emails, sitting together to import contacts) to me, and he will give me free reign access to his email or cell whenever I may request it. Not because I am trying to be a nosy mother, but because he realizes I have no reason to trust him right now and he needs and wants to show me he is sealing off this old life and trying to change. Whether this works out or not, I think these steps are good for him as an individual. If I remain in this marriage, I will need to see proof of his commitment to me. Sadly, this now includes complete transparency with things that typically are personal (emails, texts, shit you google). If I leave him, perhaps him going through these steps and winding up in this place will be a reminder not to be so cavalier with someone in the future.

I still don't know if I will stay and try to save the marriage or if I will leave him. I can't parse whether this is something you can recover from or if it is the writing on the wall and I'm a fool to stay. We're sleeping separately and I now dread having to go home to the house and husband I was so incredibly proud of. I'm thinking of going out of town alone this weekend because just can't imagine spending a weekend with him running errands and keeping plans we had. I'm traveling for business next week and am relieved to have time away. Selfishly, I want him to feel what it would be like if I left him and he was all alone. Mostly, I just feel very hurt and lost. I feel both repulsed by the thought of him holding my hand again and desperate for him to hold me. It is a completely bizarre feeling and an entirely fucked up situation. I am so, so sorry for anyone who has to go through this. I can't believe I went from being a PP giving advice to people who were cheated on to posting my own fucking cliché post.

As you know from the many threads about infidelity, remorse isn't always present, nor is a willingness to do whatever it takes to make things right and rebuild trust. So it's a good sign that he's at least ready and willing to do the work.

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