How do I deal with this? SN son not invited to party but he thinks he is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never deliberately exclude a child from a party when the rest of the class, gender, etc is invited. If a child has disruptive behavioral issues, I would talk privately with the parents and ask that one of them stay for the duration of the party.

I understand small parties but I don't understand adults excluding a young child- there's just no excuse. The aunt with the party/American Girl experience-- be assured that those parents were raised by wolves. Awful.

OP- I'm in the camp that suggests planning something fun- even if it's a movie at home with a gentle explanation.

Sometimes that's not enough. The parent may come but may be so relieved to finally think their kid is part of the group they don't intervene. Or they're so used to their kid's awful behavior that they let things go that are unacceptable. We tried to include a horridly behaved boy once, because my DD has a sweet heart and said nobody had ever invited him to a party and she wanted to. He threw temper tantrums, he punched his fist through the cake, he screamed through the Happy Birthday song, he opened two presents before DH started taking them all away, and his mother did NOTHING. "He's just excited." No, he was making my daughter regret being kind and ruining her party. Oh, and then he also refused to leave our house. And his mom just kept drinking her coffee and not getting up - they were the last to leave. We never invited him again and I don't regret that decision.

What a POS you are. That is a child of God regardless of the mother's behavior and you treat others as you yourself would be treated.

She did invite the child. And based on HIS behavior, she won't invite him again. ITA with her. It's the right thing to invite a child once, but once they've behaved like that they don't get another invitation until the behavior problems are resolved.

+1
This mom did the right thing, both by giving the initial invite and withholding future ones. POS? Not even close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are receiving some terrible advice. DO NOT CALL OR EMAIL THE BIRTHDAY CHILD'S MOM. My kids don't have special needs, but each of them had this happen to them once or twice: the birthday child said they were invited, but we didn't have an invitation.

Don't cause an awkward situation by contacting the parent. The awkwardness with that family will extend far longer then the party if you contact the parent. Every kid has to deal with not being invited, many times in his/her life. Just do something fun that day with your son, and tell him not everyone is invited to everything.

But the child has been invited by the other child. The situation is already ackward. And it is in poor taste to invite most of the class and exclude a few. Either invite select friends, or all of one gender, or the entire class.

Amen. I don't think OP should *obligated* to do this if it makes her feel uncomfortable--I don't know that I would, for that reason--but why on earth should the other parents, having been beyond tacky and actually boorish, be spared "awkwardness"? For pete's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

SN with social issues not not necessarily mean poorly behaved. I am the PP of the child in 1st grade who was not invited to any birthday parties and was told he was by some of the other kids over the year. (Yet, everyone came to his birthday.) He did not behave poorly from a parent or a teacher perspective. He had trouble connecting with his peer group and a dynamic developed in the social order where he was at the bottom and it was horrible.

I continue to be appalled by the fact that parents think it's OK to let their young children accept birthday invitations that they have no intention of reciprocating. It' s pretty simple, folks. "Johnny, that's great that you want to go to Larlo's party at the bounce house, but keep in mind that if you go to his party, you need to invite him to yours." Full stop. This not not just about teaching your children empathy (god knows that's important, thought lots of people seem to cut corners where their own convenience or squeamishness or snobbishness or bias comes into play ); it's also teaching basic life skills, aka "how to get through the world without being perceived as a total jerk."

Not all families have parties. We cannot reciprocate as we have only done family only parties and up through this year choose our child's birthday to be our vacation vs. a party. We have too much family drama and its not worth dealing with them. Our child has never asked for a party so, for example for his 5th birthday, we went to Disney. I think there is an expectation to do parties but I'm not spending a few hundred dollars for a young child's party when he does not care.

Its ok not to invite a child to a party. There is a huge range of special needs, including our child. I am ok with my child not being invited due to his special needs (most parents don't realize it or care as he isn't a behavior problem) or they just don't like him or us. Not everyone is going to like everyone and its more uncomfortable going to a party where you or your child is not wanted vs. not being invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

SN with social issues not not necessarily mean poorly behaved. I am the PP of the child in 1st grade who was not invited to any birthday parties and was told he was by some of the other kids over the year. (Yet, everyone came to his birthday.) He did not behave poorly from a parent or a teacher perspective. He had trouble connecting with his peer group and a dynamic developed in the social order where he was at the bottom and it was horrible.

I continue to be appalled by the fact that parents think it's OK to let their young children accept birthday invitations that they have no intention of reciprocating. It' s pretty simple, folks. "Johnny, that's great that you want to go to Larlo's party at the bounce house, but keep in mind that if you go to his party, you need to invite him to yours." Full stop. This not not just about teaching your children empathy (god knows that's important, thought lots of people seem to cut corners where their own convenience or squeamishness or snobbishness or bias comes into play ); it's also teaching basic life skills, aka "how to get through the world without being perceived as a total jerk."

Not all families have parties. We cannot reciprocate as we have only done family only parties and up through this year choose our child's birthday to be our vacation vs. a party. We have too much family drama and its not worth dealing with them. Our child has never asked for a party so, for example for his 5th birthday, we went to Disney. I think there is an expectation to do parties but I'm not spending a few hundred dollars for a young child's party when he does not care.

Its ok not to invite a child to a party. There is a huge range of special needs, including our child. I am ok with my child not being invited due to his special needs (most parents don't realize it or care as he isn't a behavior problem) or they just don't like him or us. Not everyone is going to like everyone and its more uncomfortable going to a party where you or your child is not wanted vs. not being invited.

PP here- to clarify, this obviously doesn't go for kids who aren't having a party with school friends. But if you're going to have a party with school friends, you'd darn well better invite the school friends' whose invitations YOUR kid accepted. You aren't required to invite everyone, but you should be such a jerk as to accept invitations from people you wouldn't deign to invite back. If you don't want to invite them to your party -- again, we're talking here about kids who are having their own parties with school friends -- please decline the invitation. It's very simple.

[Anonymous]

Fascinating thread, really an awkward problem. Here's where I come down.

1) OP's child was invited. Maybe not by the parents, maybe not intentionally, but the child was invited, and thus has the reasonable expectation of being able to attend.

2) Yeah, I get "minors don't get to make decisions without parental approval," but that's the hosting family's problem to work out, not OP's child's. For the same reasons that parents get to overrule a child, parents are also responsible if the invitation goes out anyway, and in this case it did.

3) I'm with those who say contact the parent and communicate that your child was invited to the party and very much wants to go. That may be awkward for the parents, but tough -- parents have to deal with awkward things. It does not necessarily create problems for the children for the adults to work this out. They should know their child issued an invitation and they can make a decision whether to honor it or not. If they feel they can't for whatever reason, so be it. But they might surprise you and feel an obligation to honor the invitation.

4) Like others, I advise OP to be prepared with an alternative fun activity for DC if the invitation is not maintained. But preparing that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to get the benefits of the invitation that was in fact extended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

SN with social issues not not necessarily mean poorly behaved. I am the PP of the child in 1st grade who was not invited to any birthday parties and was told he was by some of the other kids over the year. (Yet, everyone came to his birthday.) He did not behave poorly from a parent or a teacher perspective. He had trouble connecting with his peer group and a dynamic developed in the social order where he was at the bottom and it was horrible.

I continue to be appalled by the fact that parents think it's OK to let their young children accept birthday invitations that they have no intention of reciprocating. It' s pretty simple, folks. "Johnny, that's great that you want to go to Larlo's party at the bounce house, but keep in mind that if you go to his party, you need to invite him to yours." Full stop. This not not just about teaching your children empathy (god knows that's important, thought lots of people seem to cut corners where their own convenience or squeamishness or snobbishness or bias comes into play ); it's also teaching basic life skills, aka "how to get through the world without being perceived as a total jerk."

Not all families have parties. We cannot reciprocate as we have only done family only parties and up through this year choose our child's birthday to be our vacation vs. a party. We have too much family drama and its not worth dealing with them. Our child has never asked for a party so, for example for his 5th birthday, we went to Disney. I think there is an expectation to do parties but I'm not spending a few hundred dollars for a young child's party when he does not care.

Its ok not to invite a child to a party. There is a huge range of special needs, including our child. I am ok with my child not being invited due to his special needs (most parents don't realize it or care as he isn't a behavior problem) or they just don't like him or us. Not everyone is going to like everyone and its more uncomfortable going to a party where you or your child is not wanted vs. not being invited.

Good perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fascinating thread, really an awkward problem. Here's where I come down.

1) OP's child was invited. Maybe not by the parents, maybe not intentionally, but the child was invited, and thus has the reasonable expectation of being able to attend.

2) Yeah, I get "minors don't get to make decisions without parental approval," but that's the hosting family's problem to work out, not OP's child's. For the same reasons that parents get to overrule a child, parents are also responsible if the invitation goes out anyway, and in this case it did.

3) I'm with those who say contact the parent and communicate that your child was invited to the party and very much wants to go. That may be awkward for the parents, but tough -- parents have to deal with awkward things. It does not necessarily create problems for the children for the adults to work this out. They should know their child issued an invitation and they can make a decision whether to honor it or not. If they feel they can't for whatever reason, so be it. But they might surprise you and feel an obligation to honor the invitation.

4) Like others, I advise OP to be prepared with an alternative fun activity for DC if the invitation is not maintained. But preparing that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to get the benefits of the invitation that was in fact extended.

Disagree. Parents ultimately determine the invites. Parental invites are the official ones, not the random, pressured, verbal invites made by minor children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never deliberately exclude a child from a party when the rest of the class, gender, etc is invited. If a child has disruptive behavioral issues, I would talk privately with the parents and ask that one of them stay for the duration of the party.

I understand small parties but I don't understand adults excluding a young child- there's just no excuse. The aunt with the party/American Girl experience-- be assured that those parents were raised by wolves. Awful.

OP- I'm in the camp that suggests planning something fun- even if it's a movie at home with a gentle explanation.

Sometimes that's not enough. The parent may come but may be so relieved to finally think their kid is part of the group they don't intervene. Or they're so used to their kid's awful behavior that they let things go that are unacceptable. We tried to include a horridly behaved boy once, because my DD has a sweet heart and said nobody had ever invited him to a party and she wanted to. He threw temper tantrums, he punched his fist through the cake, he screamed through the Happy Birthday song, he opened two presents before DH started taking them all away, and his mother did NOTHING. "He's just excited." No, he was making my daughter regret being kind and ruining her party. Oh, and then he also refused to leave our house. And his mom just kept drinking her coffee and not getting up - they were the last to leave. We never invited him again and I don't regret that decision.

What's your point, pp? Op already stated that her child isn't out of control like the one you dealt with. Your post doesn't really contribute much to this conversation imo. It seems like you are trying to shame SN parents/children and brag about your "sweet heart" dd. I'm sorry your DD's party got ruined, but you actually seem very rude.

+1. OP posted about a child who received a verbal invite but not an "official" party invite from another child. Your story is about a child you invited to party, who had behavior problems at your party. Your story is no more relevant to the OP than my grocery list. I can't fathom why you posted it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fascinating thread, really an awkward problem. Here's where I come down.

1) OP's child was invited. Maybe not by the parents, maybe not intentionally, but the child was invited, and thus has the reasonable expectation of being able to attend.

2) Yeah, I get "minors don't get to make decisions without parental approval," but that's the hosting family's problem to work out, not OP's child's. For the same reasons that parents get to overrule a child, parents are also responsible if the invitation goes out anyway, and in this case it did.

3) I'm with those who say contact the parent and communicate that your child was invited to the party and very much wants to go. That may be awkward for the parents, but tough -- parents have to deal with awkward things. It does not necessarily create problems for the children for the adults to work this out. They should know their child issued an invitation and they can make a decision whether to honor it or not. If they feel they can't for whatever reason, so be it. But they might surprise you and feel an obligation to honor the invitation.

4) Like others, I advise OP to be prepared with an alternative fun activity for DC if the invitation is not maintained. But preparing that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to get the benefits of the invitation that was in fact extended.

Disagree. Parents ultimately determine the invites. Parental invites are the official ones, not the random, pressured, verbal invites made by minor children.

But that's your perspective, not some iron clad etiquette rule. My children have issued verbal invites to other children for playdates, sleepovers, etc. Verbal party invites used to be the normal way to invite people over for parties in the 80s when I was in elementary school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fascinating thread, really an awkward problem. Here's where I come down.

1) OP's child was invited. Maybe not by the parents, maybe not intentionally, but the child was invited, and thus has the reasonable expectation of being able to attend.

2) Yeah, I get "minors don't get to make decisions without parental approval," but that's the hosting family's problem to work out, not OP's child's. For the same reasons that parents get to overrule a child, parents are also responsible if the invitation goes out anyway, and in this case it did.

3) I'm with those who say contact the parent and communicate that your child was invited to the party and very much wants to go. That may be awkward for the parents, but tough -- parents have to deal with awkward things. It does not necessarily create problems for the children for the adults to work this out. They should know their child issued an invitation and they can make a decision whether to honor it or not. If they feel they can't for whatever reason, so be it. But they might surprise you and feel an obligation to honor the invitation.

4) Like others, I advise OP to be prepared with an alternative fun activity for DC if the invitation is not maintained. But preparing that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to get the benefits of the invitation that was in fact extended.

Disagree. Parents ultimately determine the invites. Parental invites are the official ones, not the random, pressured, verbal invites made by minor children.

But that's your perspective, not some iron clad etiquette rule. My children have issued verbal invites to other children for playdates, sleepovers, etc. Verbal party invites used to be the normal way to invite people over for parties in the 80s when I was in elementary school.

Kids always talk - at my son's school the kids always talk about going to each others houses and walk up and ask me. But, you need to teach your child not to invite kids, especially to parties you have no intention of inviting them too. My son has a few friends who always ask to do stuff or come over. The kids are nice kids and always welcome. Usually its the parents and coordinating that is the issue.

[Anonymous]

OP - Hard place to be, but if other children are not invited then, you need to accept that Larla is a young girl who is excited and has been talking about her party to probably your son and others not included. It is too bad that Larla's parents did not realize the impact of a big party can have on classmates who are not invited especially using an Evite with all the names out there, but that is the way it is as a young child talks. You know, too, you could do this and have your son attend and find he was completely out of place with a very large group including some unknown kids, little structure, and a lot of noise etc. Why take a chance on a possible negative reaction not only from Larla on her special day, but with a lot of classmates around, too. If you had experience with your son attending smalller parties already with his peers, it might be a bit different, but you did not mention this.

I would offer another thing to consider in that if you skip any chance of an awkward moment for Larla's and with her Mom now, could you in a couple of weeks call and very positively praise her daughter for her thoughtfulness to your son and invite her over for a play date with you son which you might make special with say a pizza lunch or some such thing. Even if no reciprocity which might happen, if even the friendship in school could continue that would be worth so much more than one party invite. Think, too, that if your son has a birthday, this is one student who most likely would enjoy coming. And if you do plan a party for your son, you might ask the teacher what kids hang with him the most and keep it small and invite by phone directly maybe before even telling him so you could gauge what might be done by response. Then send paper invitation by mail to followup. I would not call, consider an overnight trip somewhere and take a chance on the future.

[Anonymous]

I would feel so wrong having a party for my kid and not inviting other classmates who had invited him to their parties. That just seems tacky. Who does that?

[Anonymous]

I think forgetting about the party and planning a fun playdate with Larla (cupcakes? a birthday candle?) is the best idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would feel so wrong having a party for my kid and not inviting other classmates who had invited him to their parties. That just seems tacky. Who does that?

Yes and on top of it apparently doesn't teach their kid not to go blab to everyone about the non-inclusive party!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'd call the mom and say, "Larla has invited my son to her party, but we haven't gotten the details yet."

Yes, I would do it.